Tuesday, August 30, 2011

He Emailed back:)

But i have to tread like really carefully...:)


Oh why cudnt i and his egos were out of the picture and we only had love to guide us... but nahi... Ego ke hotey huey love ki chal sekti hai...:)

And can we ever let our egos down... even for our loved ones... nope... so then enjoy the pains, and sufferings, and name callings, and blames, and i hate u, and u dont deserve me... and bla blas...

Cuz u asked for them more then the haapy sweet ones... no matter wat u do, since i dont have anyother home or place... nor want one... i will stick by u... and keep loving u... whether i make u happy or not... cuz its not been easy for me either...:)

yes!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Talking of Personal Fav:)

We all have them...But how awkward it really wud be if u say u were in a group of friends and then be asked who is ur fav and u somehow have to tell the truth, yet it cud be so awful when u somehow leave out the name of one... who u r personal fav of...:)

That cud be heart breaking, and imagine that person... wudnt say a thing, just feel it a lot and then give u a sheepish smile... knowing so bad, tat she just wants to go and be anywhere but there...

and be around those who have her as the personal fav...

But sometimes, we dont have to really leave those who we love, just cuz they cant love us back like we do...we dont have to leave them, unless they start getting bitchy...for there is never a harm in being honest and having preferences...:)atleast i beleive that...


So i am trying to undertsand myself here... the battle always really is abt was i right or wrong... was i good or bad... will i regret it later or not... will it harm me or not... is it worthy or not... do i really need this or not... is this really necessary or not...

and if i was right, good, havent done something that i will regret, its really not something that will harm me, its really worthy, and needed and necessary...

i will be at peace and happy inside and outside really!


So here are my personal favs... and u can hate me for it or love me, talk behind my back or just keep it to u ... think hours on, on sideline without a single thought

Speaking of wat they were

when i was born to now...i will try to remember.... and write

when i was 12- 18
God: Allah, he is the only god i really am concerned abt... want to learn abt, want to hear abt, and want to love with all my heart and soul and anything else if there is...:)

Love: As in the topic and my fascination... i wanted to know everything abt it... and experience it...

USA/ Europe: the place i wanted to visit

Time of the Day : Night

Movies:

dil
Dil Hai ke manta nahi
Meney pyar kiya
Tezab
Khalnayak
Ram Lakhan
Prem Rog


there are more but these movies i can have anytime... anywhere... even in the mid of crying and surely i will be forgetting crying or wont remember the cause for it...:P
unless i am crying for love...then may be ill cry along with them... and they will be like my best friend...

songs... if i can exactly remmember the ones i used to hum

sad
happy
romantic

and as many as there are stars in the universe...:)

People

Mom

Maula: I was introduced to Maula... It was love at first sight...:) i cried heartily and he smiled at me giving me that warmth that cud make me forget wat heaven is really abt...it was heaven indeed...

My crush/ Love (T - name i will not disclose for the reasons of my pride and his)... Those days i wud never care if anyone wud say it was just a crush... i was dead crying and all u can say i have a crush on him... you fiend... go to ... and dont ever talk to me again... i know wat this is really abt... since u never cud find love u dont want me to beleive in it... but i dont need ur approvals of definition... its love i know it and he is the one for me... (only that i never ever added to this phrase) for ever...

so with these three entities and movies and songs and dreams of living in a place, with him... having not to deal with any crap... i was in a paradise almost...which was threatened when i saw one of the people leaving away... and mostly my car wud get deflated when i was asked to doubt, i may not get and that punctured tire seemed like a very bad thing... all i cared was for that tire to always be in place... how? is no more a big question:) i am now over that insecure, easily scared period of my life...:) Mahsa Allah

18- 27

Oh god, pls dont get scared if u see how old i really am... (Not as old as God, and if he can still be ur friend and ur moms, so can i be... i am just cool and age is for me the number of years i have been on this earth and nothing more)

Personal Fav...

wat i loved back then is still the same...

Movies: still are my personal fav
Songs : still are my personal fav
Women: Madhuri the actress / Anuradha the singer
Maula : still is my personal fav and now we are bonded in an unbreakable tie... its not marriage, for marriages can be broken with the word "divorce"... we are bonded in a bond that will stick along for eternity... it was a hard time on me... Loving him was easy, but enemies made sure, i dont keep on it... they failed terribly... just that i suffered, he did too, but he was stronger then me, so i am sure that made it all possible... i am glad though its over... even if it took away so many days and hours of my lifei dont regret it one bit... i know now that even if that period had extended to the whole of this life... i wudnt have regretted it one bit... so touch wood... i succeeded in being with him... and having him forever..:)

you will be wanting to know wat happened to the fourth tire... well:(

I still dont beleive them who said its just a crush and love, cuz i did wanted him and wud have loved him if we had gotten together... and i made efforts, that i cud think of at that time... but after a year ... i realised it wasnt really needed... and so i ended beleiving in him to be that tire. But to my very good luck... before i got that deflated tyre out of my life... i was already presneted by another...

My second crush/ Love... who all i want to name is the most beautiful moment and memory offerer, who didnt let me cry a single tear and filled that abt to become emoty space with him, to get my car back to move...

His name is D: (I am not going to name him, for his pride and presence)

somehow i ruined it or it got ruined cuz of my mistake... i was naive... and totally phuwar when it comes to knowing an ABC of relationships... and being someones friend, all my life the only relations i kept working hard for was my bond with God and Maula... I was so filled up with them and working on them, that i didnt know i was lacking out in other areas... and that he may have needed something which i didnt undertsand giving him... I apologized for my weakness and incapability, but he already had moved on... and so i let it go...

We havent spoken after that... i dont regret, it didnt work out ... but that i cud never really become his friend... or be close to him... or be wat he may have liked... in his time of need is something i will regret... always... but i was so naive... but hey... he is got a great buddy... who makes sure gives him all he needed... and i can just not worry abt him...

i always wanted to hug him, like really hug him and tell him... i care for u... u r still my best man!:)

but i think its not needed... someone is there to tell him that and i think he likes to hear it from her more then he wud have ever liked to hear from me... so i wud never regret ...

i never will know what usually made us have those barriers... whenever he tried being there i hurted him... and when ever i did... he hurted me!

but i didnt know then He was going to happen to me... but even before that...before i crossed way to AB (My crush/ love (or may be i am wrong to use the term love)

so talking abt now

My Perosnal favs are:

Allah
Maula
Imam Husain (well he is by default, i was born with him in my heart:D)
Man: Salman Khan (I have no idea where he landed here)
My Crush / Love/ soulmate/ Future husband to be, if all goes well and i dont mess up this time too: AB
More categories


if ur name is not here... its cuz i havent really met u in person and u havent hit my heart like a bullet like they have...:)

when u will there wont be missing out on u... no ways...

PPl i adore just they are adorable and i might end up loving them for always, or atleast praying and remembering them with a happy smile:)

are

HBL
Ateeq
Amir Khan
artists whose work capture my heart, like Dane cook, but even better then him was this guy in inidas got talent who made this brilliantpaiting while he danced to the beat in merely 3 mins...

the rest of u i still need to know u better, to remember you forever...:)

but dont worry... i am here for u always ... in case u think i can be of any assistance ever... i will try helping u to the best of my capacity...

Wish you all love

its starnge why i end up having a heart talk that was between me and God and letting ppl in suddenly as if i am actually talking to them... but actually i was...

i was trying to tell u ppl who i am and how i feel and why, and know if i am really eventually, right, good and fine...

I guess i am... cant be too sure...:)






I was simply on the lookout for a Guy, and i ended up meeting God instead!:)

Conversation to a random Guy or Gal

Me: I am on the look out for God.:) Have you seen Him?

She/ He: Looking me up and down. (I am pretty looking, but a little consious)

Me: Repeat again: I am hoping for someone to help me get to God.

She/ He: Sorry, Wat did u just say, you are on the look out for what?
are you alright...:)

Me: Sorry. I think i asked the wrong person...

She/ He: Did u just saw that girl... I tell u there are crazy ppl ... did u just see what she was wearing...i cant beleive ppl walk around in that... Her BF actually checking out..:) hoping he cud find more then he already have:P

Me: Sorry. I think i asked the wrong person...

She/ He: No wait, Are you ok! I am sorry, but it just came out as a very different kind of a question... But its hell ok!

I am sorry, But i have no clue... I have heard abt him, never seen him... Why are you wanting to meet him.

Me: cuz i have a question, only he can answer... and i am really desperate... So rather then wait for him, i felt it wud be better to start finding him.

She/He: What is the question...

Me: Are you God?

She/ He: No...

Me: Then sorry i cant tell you... Its only him i want to ask..

She/ he: But you may never get to meet him, its actually wiser to ask humans.

Me: I have, but they didnt know...

She: What is it?

Me: I wanted to ask if i am doing ok? Was i right when i took that stand, or was he really unhappy.


She / They: What did u do?

Me: I cudnt marry as my mom said. Cuz i thought i cant love them. Then i met a guy, who i was ready to love, but who ended up being very difficult. I tried leaving him, but everytime i did... My heart broke... and i simply cudnt break myself away from him. Then one day... he did something terrible... That time... i was shattered... and cudnt really take it anymore... So i cried and never ever turned to him again...

But it has been so many days... i feel like i am being punished for something. so i want to ask God, what did i do so wrong. and how can i make it all right for me for him, for us.

She/ He: I am sorry, but i know someone who can help you.

Me: Who...

She/He: ummm (silence)

(who is that someone you can advise me to go to, to get help if its not God i shud consult, and if its really God, where can i meet him?)

No i want someone to answer me in person... for the one who used to send me things in heart is confusing me these days... there are two voices... one says this and the other says that!

One i am hearing is making it hard, the other, makes it even harder!

who said love, made everything easy...finding this answer hasnt really been easy.


They say if you have to hide it, never get in that relationship

My Parrents, know it, My brothers know it, My God knows it My Maula knows it...and but i will never have the heart to tell u this...

I was heart broken when we stopped talking, and i asked you to delete me from FB:(

but as soon as i said it i knew u wud... and i wont be able to see u again... i downloaded all of ur pic, to give me peace in ur absence... as u never knew this but ur face just gave me peace...always...:D

You dont know that... may be u dont deserve to know how much i did love u then,

I am always going to be with u, even if u arenot, for i draw my strnegth from being there for u

i made this movie that day...having all the adorable pics of u:)
hopefull to be able to say those prayers for u and me when i see them... with u laughing and smiling in them... bringing back those happy times, and taking away the sadness and loneliness away...how these moments can be even more perfect then they were when we were together...someone and something was always there to spoil it...

I love u...and will always do... i know u r just in reach of my hand... yet its not the physical distances i am concerned abt.. Its the distance of hearts... which is not in my hand to close...not until u make efforts too...

I know if u cud see them... u wud laugh me off or may be give one of ur beary hugs... or may be just tease me endlessly until i ask u to stop embarrassing me..:)or may be it wud mean nothing at all. Make no difference at all... Doesn't matter... Its all i have of u... and i am not going to give it up for the world

:))))



Can't believe what we all just need is a good laugh!

So much for the sickening feeling that gets me into a pit of hopelessness in me and my life then in u...

and helplessness to be able to get myself out of it...

So i closed myself to everything that was adding on the my miserable feeling... including my MOM...

I know how bad i am as a person to close her mother out, but i do it... when i know her face only brings the devil in me out... and causes me and her Bus Pain..

So i went in this room, i love ... and starting singing

Aaashayein... i even recorded it and made a short movie, having some positive movie pics...

All she might be thinking i am doing is feeling sour when actually i was having a time of my life...

and then avpiding her i went in the drawing room... and lie down... thinking, hoping, trying to find a solution to the problem... a lot of things came out like that scene... when in the movie Dil chahta hai... prety takes amir to this play and ask her to in the end close his eyes and see wat comes to his mind... and how his mind goes around to all the loving beautiful ppl part of his life... yet they all dont make as much of the starking difference... then that figure and white...

i know who that figure in white is for me... He is just as stark as this vision... but to reach that vision and to never after having it let my mind wander further is still a quest i am on...:D

But no worries... Quest can go on... and if people like this are there to cheer us up when we are down, we cudnt be grateful....

My mom failed to cheer me up... but dane cook didnt...

That doesnt mean i dont love my Mom... i just wish she cud learn some jokes from her so that atleast i cud be happy when she was giving it out like him...:)

I love u Mom!

But sometimes i cant make out, i hurt u more or love u...and then i realise i am hurting u more...and somehow cant help doing it...:(

So i will stay out of ur way, until all i can give u is love and happiness... loads of it... and can get the same from u...


for u all you cant really miss this from Dane Cook...Hillarioussssssss!





Be Good to your loved ones... but more importantly teach them how to make u smile so that u cannot deem to ever run away from them...:)

Sunday, August 28, 2011

would you judge me!!!!

Would you judge me, if i said i love you and then dont feel it anymore

Would you judge me when i say i will be there for u, but somehow cant be there

Would you judge me when i wanted to adopt you, but then i realise i am not good for the job and never went ahead

Would you judge me when i take up a project, for betterment, but then i got to leave for USA and never keep on it and then simply never returned to it

Would you judge me when i say i need you but then realise its not you its some one like you.. which happens to be on the next table...

Would you judge me if i say i cant do wat u need for i am really enjoying wat i am doing right now

Would you judge me when i say i love to fly high, but if itws going to kill me i will never do it...

Would you judge me when u might be hurting like hell and i wont be able to do a thing, but cry with u, and it will be someone else who will finally heal you... wud u just leave me cuz it wasnt i who helped!

I have done almost all to my loved ones once in a while... but they never learned how to hate me or leave me, so they never left... nor judged me... they simply kept loving me, exactly like themselves, sometimes they were happy sometimes unhappy...

But i am sure you will judge me cuz u are not the one who loves me that well!

So dont ask me to beleive you when u say u truly care... for it will may be, be a lie... may be, not a sure thing but can be...


Just realized some rules are awesome that is like following them actually gets u more luck then u cud ever get in ur life breaking them...:D

Don't

Dont choose it if you cant love it,
Dont have it, if you cant love it
Dont bear it, if you cant love it
Dont wear it, if you cant love it

Dont care for it, if you cant love it,
Dont beleive it if you cant love it
Dont heed it if you cant love it
Dont breed it, if you cant love it

Dont speak it, if you cant love it
Dont read it, if you cant love it
Dont even try to heal it if you cant love it

For you will be doing the biggest injustice to everyone for doing something u don't love



I Love you...

I Love you i say

when i am really meaning to say is

i am glad you are here

i am happy u happened to me

i know how u feel and want to make it right

i am dying to be with you

i am breaking inside without your love

all i want is you

all i will ever need is you

i have disappointed you, i want to be better

i am sorry i cant do a thing to help, i am clueless, but i wish ur pain to go

u just made one of my dream come true...

i cant breathe again without u in my life

i know no matter wat u do, how long u take, i know i can cry, scream, hate,hit, but i will not and cannot stop loving you

you just stole my heart with wat u did,

I just died now... i almost did with joy

Please don't go, please be with me

yes thats precisely the many things that cross my mind, but all can really manage to say is

I love you!

so imagine what exactly i ahve been missing out on every day and second you have been away

OK! i did something, that now is giving me fear attacks...

It always happen, when i act on my most pressing impulse, without thinking the after math... and as soon as i am done with it... and await my destiny to unfold... i feel like i am abt to have the worst or best times of my life and its scary like hell...

so in case its the worst... i wud like u all to guard me... :( and strnegthen me to take it ...


So here it is wat i did...

instead of mailing his Ex... which was way harder and complicative... i emailed him instead... to find a cure for myself...:)

i tried being as matter of fact and possibly agreeable as i cud... but i see he actually saying something really nasty... but i can take it... really ... but i so wish he doesnt... that he says something so nice and warm that all my fear trickle away... and i am able to breathe happily again...:)

but wishes wat wud others care for wat i wish... and He... when its his wish he is more concerned abt then anyone elses...

but heres wat i emailed... Guys i need someone to sheild me ...from the coming reaction...


i need your help... i think i can use some help...i will email u telling u the problem i am facing... and u will give me the answer based on wat u think is the best for me to do. but you wont give me a suggestion, you will have to give me an order. that i will have to do and no ifs and buts...so like when it is to stop doing something i will stop no ifs and buts...and when it is to do something i will do it period... Can u do it ? just dont be cruel, for example if ull ask me to work for the company i left, ill tell u meiney qasam khayi thi... ke mein merjaoongi magar wapas nahi jaaongi... to pls... dont ask me to... i wont... lekin haan if i will find a better employer i will gladly do watever it takes...or atleast i think so...but ill try to do it...

this is wat i emailed him...

i dont know his reply wud be... but he can be pretty nasty at times... and totally adorable at others... i dont know ever wat to expect...:) this time... i am just not hoping its a mad angry lion...who doesn't give a damn



A 90 yr old or round about or a 60 yr old will do too!

do you know a 90 yr old female, happy and grateful for the moment she is having in her life? and one who is not happy with her life... i want to meet them both and know wat led them each to be where they are and avoid the same mistakes:) well those i know they are both happy and unhappy so its really hard to act on their advises! its very tricky...

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Advises needed

Here it goes!

So by now u know i am in love (or watever that feeling is) with this human, who i was lucky to one fine day connect with...

And from then on i am hooked and stuck in a place rotting for no real reason, but hoping somehow i will be guided out of this rot and get on and do wat ever i am supposed to do and fast...

So my mind is in constant state of trying to find that one clue into the future and that action which is feasable possible and workable...

and so today i dropped by some information which kindled in me an idea... which now i am dying to act on...

But its risky as in it may get me in trouble like big time...

but here it is...


See there is a twist in this tale... when i came across this person, he had recently got out of a 18 yr long relation with his Ex... sorry 16 yes...

they had an affair for a long long time, then they got engaged then they got married and in 20 days they were divorced...

i got to know abt it later and in episodes... dont blame him for that... yet blame him...

but thats not the thing we are over that phase... i am now way maturer and sensibler then i was 3 yrs back... thats precisely the time we have been together on and off...

this girl is who i have no bad feelings for... since its not she or him who are the cause of my pain... its either me myself or something in me...

Now the situation is... she wants him back, but on her terms, she wants her back but on his terms... and i want to be married to the man i love... whoever that is...

Till now i am beleiving he is the one for me... why dont ask me... pls... its my faith... and i wont give up on it just cuz its complicated...

but she can have him or he can be with her...


Wat i really wud like is for us to talk to each other like grown up and sort it out... but all she will think of me is one who wants to make it hard for her to have him...

see isnt it stupid of me to die to be with a man who is in love with someone else right... so i wont have him until he loves me... and if thats not happening i am happy without him...

Anyways, i am not going to lie that i wasnt jealous of this girl... but not that i will ever want to be her... no... i am too happy and proud being myself...for a guy i wont give it all up.

but i just thought of not feeling bad abt her instead trying to heal and love her... so that she cud somehow get healed and cud try healing the both of them... and once they both are healed... they can get together like happily and may be i can feel good...finally... for as long as they stay hurt i will remain hurt...

see these ppl who i have no idea of 3 yrs back came into my life, and build a kind of storm, which no one had ever created before...

it cudnt just have happened for no reason... Gods trying to help me learn soemthing here, understand something here, do something here... and my inability to do something makes me feel less and less unhappy and unprofductive and useless and destructive...

So in order to help myself i need to help these hurt souls... and help them find peace and myself too...

But the trouble is in order to connect with her i will need her email id...

the only person i can ask for it...is one...

That guy himself, who i cant approach

a mutual friend, who i dont trust will keep things to herself, and may for the heck of getting a great gossip might spill it around...

there is this one more person... i just remember... who is an artist and a married women, who seems to be very close to this girl..

So do u guys think its a good idea for me to approach her and ask her for her email id...

she may decline it to me, but do u think i shud take a chance...

See i know this girl... His Ex... is a very rude girl, like she has called me an ass kisser and other things... so i know its not easy for me to let her hear me... and understand that i only mean good and not really am here to harm her...

but do u think i shud do this or shud just stay out of it...

wat ever the majorty will say i shall stick on it... until i go and meet the Amil... who i know i will seek the answers from... as my own intelligence can be pretty naive at times:)

Take care u all

and i miss ur comments and presence so dont be too long!

Love

Can you ask this question to that one man who u admire the most!

And write back their answers here for me thank u!


ask Him this?

which school he went and how much does he think the school has a part on his upbringing? and if it was not for his father and mothers proper attention wud he have been capable of having a strong personality like he has or not? how much of this personality can be credited to the school he went... and if he was ever to have a kid in future... where wud he get him educated to ensure he follows his fathers footstep on the areas of helping humanity at large and living life to the fullest, and is not a dumb, weak, or easily fooled, or defeatable kind of a man... this answer will surely help me out with my kids. thank u! i hardly know someone who is happy and strong and courageous, and right all at once... its a rare combination and who ever has it... is someone i can learn from.

and post me back wat they said...

you can email me them when ever u have them here on farida.nizam@gmail.com

:)

Take care

and i will really appreciate this, really really really!

Love!

Loveeeeeeeee, I love you!


Its amazing how when we are running after love is the same moment when we are running away from it, and when we stop running after it is when we stop running away from it and we have it...

In that moment it wud be best to be calm, quiet, grateful and hopeful, or we may run the risk of losing it once again, when we try protecting it, controlling it or simply fearing and doubting it... for then we will again be running after it and actually away from it!

Makes Sense, it wont... until u learn wat i am talking abt:)

This thought hit me today during one of our conversations:)






Heres a peak for u all of my singing skills:)

Since i dont have any others to talk on, may be just may be i can impress you with my singing ones!


I am not the only one, who has secrets..

I am getting to know so many ppl having them like me...:)

I have realised all our life all we need is one o share ourselves totally with... so that there is nothing that is remaining that is not out there...

When I sing... i am being the best of me... and so for me to be able to sing is a dream... to come out, not for the sake of fame, or even popularity, or acceptance, or approvals, or getting liked and known...

noo

thats not wat i need...

Its like i sing to show others who i am... i want to be do that with that someone and those many who i want to come out to...

and never fear again of showing my true self...

I have never really sang in front of others, but once... on a picnic, i got msyelf into a stutaion, where it was hard for me to get out and not sing... looking back i thank God , for not giving me a way out of it or else i wud have never known the joy i now can cherish as a beautiful memory...a treasure i cud have so easily missed, by decling and backing out...:)

but half of the time, my eyes were close... finally when i opened it... the audience and their listening intently, amused and serene looks made me keep them open for the rest of the performance... i won the context... yess...:)

it was the first bar i had crossed on coming out and doing something i feared like anything...:) and to win so many hearts... was like the best feeling:)

that day will never leave my memories... everything abt it was majical...


anyways i no more going into the whole scene and bore u all...

the point is... i want to share my voice to more ppl and finally get their feedback, sincere one...:) so when i sing to my family, they dont take it for granted:) and help me use it for better things!

cuz it was a dream to sing like Celine and Elka, or one of those ppl who come in contest like , X Factor, or Indian Idol...

and ur encouragements will make me feel better that to kya i cant sing in front of the world, i still can have a little audience of my own:)...

and also if u guys liked it wud like to hear me sing more songs... if so pls share ur choices... and i will gift them to u...as a token of my love for u all...:)

and this song, has some problems, like when i am eating some words... i dont know why i did that... may be i got distracted or forgot the lyrics.. sorry for that





Love!


P.S. Now when u ask me, what the hell did u do with ur life ... i was busy trying to sing like them!

:P


Friday, August 26, 2011

Pakistan, For those Who dont Know!

Went to a trip last yr, to the northern Areas
A Short one, but with memories enuf to last life time...:)

The Places we went were Naran, and Shugran
these are not all but my fav ones...:)

Hpe you guys enjoy !























And heres the video Compiled...



I realised, Music makes us take more from the picture then we wud otherwise... The song, surely isnt the best to go with it, but was the only one that went better...

:D

Cheers!

How Do you get Married?

Dont get me wrong, but i always wondered, how ppl get to wed

Like how u make someone propose to you or make urself accept the proposal...

For me it was like, when i liked him as a person and admired him, he was attracted to me, which i hated.

And when i found him easy to talk out my troubles with and found him a great help, he was getting to fantasize abt me, ... and the thought just disgusted me

And when he proposed me on that air flight suddenly, ... the only thing i cud really think to say which i thot was cool... was, no way, i am not marring in ur family. and the feeling was, i never can see u in that role yess, no matter how great u r...u annoyed me... and i dont like ppl who annoy me...

Or when you took me to that walk on the beach and tried protecting me from the bad guys, i was actually more scared for u, since u were coming from abraod and more like a guest then a Boy i wanted to marry...

And that when i finally got this urge to get engaged, to you without even seeing u... in real, and we had that skype session the first time and i was a 360 degree turn, i dont likeyou...

and then i got scared of this whole thing...

Oh yes and how to forget that accomplished, heart surgeon, i talked on ph in the USA, divorced though...but i felt for the first time there is someone who atleast is firm, a man and not a kid...someone who surely will impress me... and i was wondering if i will be able to impress him...

anyways we meet and all my day dreams, come to an end when the imagination meets the reality...

Noooo, and oh how i hated myself, how i cursed myself... how i even cried... wats wrong with me... why cant i just say that damn yes....

so i tried making ammends...but gladly u were man enuf to stop the girly me to not even try...and how i felt bad... that how helpless and useless i am...

and may be ill die alone... since i surely have a problem with every guy who comes and wants to marry me, like as soon as he propose them, my normal eyes get switched with a new one...that only can see one thing Danger! Red Zone...No!!!!

If anyone can exactly see wat i see... i know even they wud freak out... but why?

What makes me think like this...

But i still felt may be they all really werent for me, meant for me and i shudnt bash myself for things which i surely didnt do purposely


Still there was this part of me, who thought i was guilty of a sin, i was not ready to accept and make ammends for...

That may be just may be, i am such a perfectionist, and critical and self obsessed person, who cant see beyond her, or a lazy, good for nothing, who wants everything ready for her to dig in...

that she really has no real human qualities to deserve someones true love, for she herself isnt really a girl who knows anything abt loving and being there herself, who may be thinks she is loyal, supportive, loving person, but actually truth cannot be far from it...

And then one day, i get a call from you out of the blue...and i know no one wud really beleive... but when i first heard and talk to you my heart was hooked on to you, from that very moment... i still remember every word of that conversation... It was so natural, so relaxed, so like breathing... i wasnt putting up a face, i wasnt caring abt whether its a paper i cannot dare to fail...

on the other side i found a man, who was really hurt and lost, real and worthy... and no you think i wont screw the perfect chance, ofcourse i wud... since i wanst born for anything perfect in my life, so i did screw...

but i was hooked on to you then, and i am hooked on to you now... like that last hope that i know i will always be hooked on to... for i dont have the guts to let you go... even though i feel its only an empty fist...

at the end of life if we really see... we all will either have a empty fist or a full heart... i wud want the later, even if its pain with disappointsments, pain, scratchs, tears, i know between those i wont be short of having those moments, of love, joy, ectasy, which may have not lasted for ever, did give me its taste ...

I have loved u well, though not as i shud have, nor u loved me like u shud have... but i know u did... even when u doubted it... i know u did... cuz when someone loves u... its not they who feel it... its u, :)

But yes... i am still totally unsure... even when we fell in love, deeply, truly madly, how we end up getting married, and stay in it forever? and how can i really say wat i feel was worth lasting and for anyone to think and take seriously!

good luck and my best wishes for all those who finally made it there... and luck to those who are still struggling to get there... let the struggle on... Dont give up on love...

Love

Tu Na Janey Aas Paas hai Khuda!


Thought of sharing this lovely heart warming and truth filled songs for you all...

May this song fill us all with a never ending hope that as long as God is there, a ray of hope will always be there for us to keep finding our ways even in the bleakest of Nights..


Tu Na Janey Aas Paas Hai Khuda (You Dont know God is around here somewhere near):D

Heres is a clip and below are the lyrics translate for u all those who cannot undertsand Urdu!:)



When its hard to glance in the future and the destiny seems blurred and unclear,

just stop and look down for a while

for where we low our head is where we find God's Way

Your destiny you Change,

Have Some courage get on keep movin

next to ur steps are mine!

you dont know but God is around here very near

you dont know but God is around here very near

you dont know but God is around here very near

you dont know but God is around here very near


Give yourself a look, defeated by the situatiuons, where exactly u think u going

the lines of your palm, you bend you have that strnegth,

fill up ur world with the color of ur dreams,
since i am walking along with you wat does it matter if the sun is starting to set

When it will be dark, youll find my door, and on that door you will have ur dawn again...

you dont know but God is around here very near

you dont know but God is around here very near

you dont know but God is around here very near

you dont know but God is around here very near


Everyones mark are deleted, but only his marks never gets faded, one who accepts that every hardship is a will of Me (God)

when you have no one to land a hand to you, where ever you will be i will be there (Says God)

Not ever from you i am away even for a sec...:)


you dont know but God is around here very near
you dont know but God is around here very near
you dont know but God is around here very near

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The conversation! thats going on in my mind for someways...

The Amil (TA): You came back
Me: Yes:)
TA: I saw u in the Jamat Khana, u seemed to be hiding away!
Me: embarassingly Yes, i am sorry, I cudnt meet you then, i was waiting for Ramadan to end, so i cud have ur proper attention... i knew i cudnt talk abt it to u then
TA: Its ok!
TA: so wats the news, u went to india
Me: Yes and i met the Muqasir Maula (MM)
TA: and,
Me: He Got the Faal from the Quran, here it is
TA: Reads it, and smiles back... Great... U got it!
Me: Yes, I feel like i have been guaranteed the world and beyond! It really makes me feel happy, but
It doesnt say anything more...I have no clue of wat to do next
TA: So talk to him
Me: Say wat, that i got a Faal out and it says, i am supposed to marry you... You think that will convince him...He doesnt beleive in all this...he will probably smack at me and tell me to get off
TA: no not like that!
Me: then what shud i say, that i love u and lets get married, i dont even know wat love is now, since its so easy for u and everyone to tell me marry someone else... like its a job, if u dont get at MCB try at Bank Habib
He knows i care for him, and i love him, that wasnt enuf for him to make the commitment... I know he is single, and not totally happy but i dont know wats in his mind,...Only God knows that... and there is no way i will ever know wats in his heart or mind...
TA: then wat can we do
Me: I want Maula to see my case, and show me step by step a path that finally gets me married, either to him or to anyone Maula thinks appropriate, till then, i will be in this agitated and unhappy position...and if you cant help me that guide me to someone who can...I can take Mufaddal Maulas word too since he is now the new in line...
TA: How can i do that, no one can tell u who to marry,
Me: Well Rasulallah Cud tell who to marry, there was this Girl who came to rasulallah and she told her the next person who comes in front of u is your husband you tell him that....
TA: That was Rasulallah,
Me: Yes and This is his true representative, in place... i dont doubt, he cannot do that... even though i do doubt i dont have that strong faith like that woman or that man...
TA: It doesnt work this way...
Me: Then if u can tell me why did i get into this...Why was i brought to him... if he is really not in love with me, how did i ended up getting involved with him, and if he was really not in my fate, wat does this faal means? why didnt it just came a no!
TA: silently listens
Me: See tell me one thing... r u the right one who know or u r just as ignorant abt it as i am... for then i will not bother u...
TA: not beleiving how a girl half his age can talk to her like that..but he keeps his calm
Me: I know i am going way beyond my position and status, but Maula's love and faith has made me do this... All our life we are asked to take every one of his word literally...and when it comes a time to really ask him to do miracles, i wont listen anyone tell me he wont... i want him to solve this problem... for its costing me my everything!

I want my voice to reach him, i want my questions to reach him, if its u who will take it fine, if anyone else, fine, and if he is listening to me right now which i believe he is then i want him to answer me. even if i am the biggest sinner.


(I wish i can say all this... in my next meeting)


(Guys i am sorry i am sharing this with u... for the rasulallah part... my apologies, if u cannot agree or find sinful, may allah, but according to our faith Maula is the actual representative of Rasulallah!) and hence his word is as authentic to us as from Quran aur sunnah!:)


i actually want to have this conversation with our Amil, but i just dont know if i can, if its ok! and so i cant get the guts...



Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Pray for Him! Pray for me!



This is a picture of my Maula, our spiritual leader, for me he is my lifeline, my savior, my protector and provider!

And kissing him is, his son, who has been pronounced as his successor recently.

Maula isnha Allah will be Going to Kerbala, just after Eid, and i want to be there to have the grace of see him, meet him once again...

Please pray that i get this wish true...

Also please pray that he gets better and healthier, for i know he is going to live yet...

We celebrated his 100 birthday this yr, and i hope to celebrate many more, since he is my lifeline, and i want him to be alive for me and for all thsoe crazy bunch of ppl who cannot think to have this world empty of him...

He thinks since he has left a successor he can die at peace, but little he knows, we are still not over with him, for i still want him, need him, will only ask from him, and wud only listen to him...I love Him:(

Please say, Masha Allah!, and that any evil keeps away from him... and may his all pains get transferred to me instead... all of them...

you know wats the best thing in this world for me... when he smiles :)... and wats the saddest, most painful thing, when i see him cry...:( and wat i fear the most, that i will be asked to part with him one day! or that i or anyone do something that will hurt him... and wat i imagined all my life doing, since i was a kid is, protecting him from anyone who wud come to harm him, I am his knight:) and he is my!

Love you Maula to death!



Men I have liked on Screen ( Toppers)


Gerard Butler (PS I love you and the Ugly truth)




Shane West (A Walk to Remember)




Hugh Jackman (Someone Like You)




Bronson Pinchot (Perfect Strangers)




Colin Ferral (Recruit)



Dermot Mulroney ( My Best Friend Movie )




Cheers,

Love

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I am talking sense... But its so damn hard to act!

We are not living in bad times, it was always a bad time somewhere while we were partying hard... its like now they are knocking our doors and its getting a bit harder to ignore, but we still are somehow succeeding for at least i have a great habit of forgetfullness and oh have better things to worry abt, besides when was it that i didnt knew "death is certain!" and arent they just dying... so wat they are being killed. who cares how u die after u are dead! we cudnt care to raise a voice when mughees and mujeeb were being killed in front of us... and we think we are ready to die for these beheaders running around the city... no we are not... even if they killl our own brothers or sisters the max we will do is mourn for a day or two... and move on... even if it kills us... we are ok... may be a mother will fear parting from her kid, but hey i just feel it may actually releive her for does she think her kid had a betyter future in this part of the land...

Wont it be just better for her to think her son is away from evil lying in a place where no terrorist or murderers can harm him... That he is finally at peace, which she herself even for trying hard for yrs cudnt guarantee him/ her...

So i am not really afraid... ofcourse i will freak out ... but once the bullet does its work or wat ever tool... i will then be completely at peace... having only one thing to deal with ...

God...

who will not be concerned abt how i died... nope he knows that... nor he wud really be concerned abt who did that awful thing to me... he knows that too...

or he will ever ask me is... how i lived, wat i did... how many sins... how man good deeds... wats the balance...

and where i will land...Heaven or Hell

so if u ask me... for me its just that...am i going to heaven or am i going to hell

and if i am going to hell then why fear this...

and if i am going to heaven... then shudnt i be like wanting this to end anyways...


I know i wish for heaven, hate hell... but sometimes the temptations make me forget it all...

and i say who cares for it when we have this life to really worry abt...

but this world is not the only place we are ever going to be... its just one moment to earn something for the rest of the eternity...

and no money wont go with us, nor any other worldly possession... only our good deeds... and love and faith, and wishes and desires... and intentions... and wat ever that we have given in the way of God... for the love of Him

so lets try gathering that... rather then fearing those men... or thinking we need to go out and kill them... how many precisely u think u r going to fight...

they are uncountable...

I tell u man... only good deeds are countable and in our control and reachable range to do something abt ... not fight the evil and kill it...

You think if it was possible for us to end it without getting a scar, Rasulallah and ali and Husain wud have to die in such pain and mysery...

You think this is some kind of a joke or movie where only they get to pay and we get to wsing songs of how wonderful they were while we party and do all that possibly keeps us away from remebering God and remembering where we came from wat we came for...

Dont blame on Zerdari... for God wont ask you wat wrong he did...god will only ask him that and take care of it... you Me... will only have to answer for me and you...
period...




There are times!

When i hear something or have something i wish i cud share with u and then i remember Oh we are not talking anymore....

And then i feel sad... yes for a tiny moment... until something comes up and takes my mind away...

i wonder if u feel that way... but i guess u dont... u were way too placid, always in control of ur feelings and thoughts... more in power to keep ur cool, to hold urself...

It was a triumph to get u to call and open up and tell wats on ur mind... and sometimes u did...

those moments where we laughed, or hifived, or smiled, or when u scolded me and i made a bad face which made u realise u were hard on me and then u saying something sweet to make me come around ....

and the times when i cud so easily cry in front of u... and how it took a minute for u to make me smile, wat ever u said was like a remedy, like a drug, that my soul needed... u knew how to make it all right for me... and i blv thats precisely wat made me know only u r the one for me... cuz u always knew how to make it right... somehow no matter wat the trouble... it vanished in the air, when i presented it to u...

and now...its been i dont know how many months...

now i dont know if ill ever feel the same way... so comfortable like i was talking to someone i was born to be with....

sometimes i still talk to u... when i am presented with a question or problem which i know i wud want to talk to u abt... and i have that conversation... exactly saying wat i know u most probably will say...

I have never been in a relationship with a guy... wat ever we had was the first time and evertime u confirmed to me its the last time i will have it with anyone i knew it was the last one i wud have... so ... yes it is for me...

until u find a way back or i find a way back... which seems only possible for God to make happen, not for me or even u.

The first time it was easy to approach u... the second time it was sensible... the third time it was an uncontrollable desire... but this time... it is a painful realzation and submission to something grander then a desire, to not do it

Its matter of honour, of right, of love, of faith...

My feelings havent changed for u...you are still that person i wish to marry... to help to support, to love unconditionally, to look after, to bear pains for... but whether u r ready yet to honour me to behold the responsibilities that come with the vows and to fulfill ur part of the commitment that is needed to keep this love alive, is something i am not sure ... i know u are a kind man, a loving man, a caring man, but are u a committed man... i dont know... u never cud keep any of ur promises... and its not something i can overlook...if i was going to be a friend i cud live with it, if i was ur mother or father i cud live with it, if i was ur employee or colleague i cud live with it... but as a wife to live with it... no i simply can't ...No marriage can happen without a lasting commitment... and no future for me and u together without marriage...

till then...the part of me which doesnt care abt tomorrow, the rules, the laws, wats right must bear with me...for even though i hate to grow up... i am bound to... and if i can honour my responsibilities and place them above my head and eyes... it will make life way more sacred, serene and divine, then if i renounce them and look at them as a burden...

For every thing that a man or woman in faith do becomes an act of worship to Allah:) and marriage for me is a divine act:)

I am glad for coming across u! for you are the only one who make me want to do it!



As i was cleaning my desktop and personal folder!

I spotted the movie KhalNayak....

Oh i Love this movie... every song, ever word, every expression, every, move, every gsture...

I love this movie... and its very close to my heart...

All my teens, i sang all the songs to my hearts content, with the expressions... how many hours went by... i dont know... but i know they were the only ones i truly lived and felt i was alive...

Watching her dance with gaiety and emotions, is majical....

She is one and only! Brings a kind of life to every of her performance...













and not to forget Sanjays Brilliant performance in the title song:D



It was indeed a very gripping and touching story...


Monday, August 22, 2011

Pls Pls Pls Pls Pls PlsPls PlsPls PlsPls PlsPls PlsPls Pls!!!!!!!!

http://improveverywhere.com/2011/08/22/say-something-nice/


Tell me we will do it tooo! here in Karachi.... plsssssss!

Plssss give me the peldge....


Plsssss!!!!!


I wont ask anything more.....

:D

Lets learn how to be oursleves again... Love again, make mistakes and forgive, and give in and live

Lets be Kids again!


Wats on my status on FB today!


It says: I want to wed the English Way once for sure:D

and i know this little wish he wont deny me... so yesh... u can all propose me the dresses:D and the rings and the veils... and noooo i wont do it in a church i am a muslim... a die hard muslim...

so we will do it out in the open... yes... somewhere like in the movie runaway bride... cuz i have the same delimma as her... crowd freaks me so when i say my "I do" all i want to hold in my gaze is him... and yes u all will be invited,.. but u can see it from the hedges... and keep ur dresses pinned to u... for u might distract me and kill that majical moment with ur nuisance presence:P (just kidding , well anything that makes me think and be consious in that perfect moment is nuisance and i wud rather get it all out of my way)

okk!


and then the best part wud be to recite those vows... with all my heart in them... and hear them from him...:DD

the rest can go as our hearts direct it... but thats pretty much it...

simple and beautiful...and memorable...


And yes when ill propose him i wud say this...:D


Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.


this is precisely wat i will say to him...

and i so hope he undertsand and reciprocates!:D



Sunday, August 21, 2011

The night is on! and i have to go for the remaining set of Prayers:D

Its lailatul Qadr

We spend the whole night at the mosque... every one of us...

Its beautiful to see every one dressed nice, wearing their best pair of kurta shalwar topi and ridas... the dress we have to wear in the mosque...

its beautiful to see the kids who are wearing the same things small versions... and i had this cute kid next to me with his mom... and he is so cute... i cudnt help playing with him between prayers...

the mosque was all decorated... and the best part was to hear Him...


it was unexpected... i knew we wud hear him but not that early...

Its awesome how we all stop,... our worlds stop as soon as we hear him call us... we drop everything we are doing...

everything... pin drop silence... and the words were powerful His voice full of strength... i cud hear passion, pain, love and warning all at oncee

Love that he feels for us all...
warning: you better hear me, and get alert... become attentive...
pain...for tinoght he had a lot to share with us... tonight he was all remembering those souls... who he owes his every moment , his life, his strength, his healthy, his everything to...

Rasulallah, Ali, Fatima Hasan and Husain

And today he was going to pray to Allah on behalf of us... to grant us our wishes and forgive us our sins...

We knew as he prayed we prayed, as he bowed we bowed... and he was preparing us to be more like him, know how to refer to Allah, teaching us wat to say how to stand how to bow... everything...

We cried with him, we prayed for him, and as we prayed for him, we knew we have prayed everything...

For as long as he is with us... we are safe, we are happy, we are guarded... he takes us all in his saaya... when ever a calamaty falls... nothing touches us before it has to deal with him... All we do is call him... and he is there...

So he is our Guardian Angel... who is now 100 yrs of age...

his weak profile ... makes me cry... for i know even he ends up living more... he cannot be the same young man he was... he does suffer, he is ill... he is old... but he dsoesnt give up... cuz we cant see him or take it... I cant even think abt it...

cant let him go... He is too precious to part with...

He is the only one i know i need, for this life... other then Allah...

I love you my Maula

more then anything... take it all just be with me... forever...

this is all i ask! tonight, everynight...:D


Saturday, August 20, 2011

Awards Time!

When i started Blog, every person that i came across opened a sea of other ppl and there were days when i was overwhelmed with people to read and add...

i remember, in order to not lose anyone imp... i wud keep clicking them... and my tabs wud fill up as i had around 20 - 30 blogs and profiles clicked... tempted to add them all...

So i actually now have quite a pool of cool bloggers! I love them all...

But there are some who i have lost track of and this award is for those who i cannot keep on top of my mind, but who i so want to read whenever they update as well as those who are always on my mind and i look forward to read them:)

No numbering since i feel they all are equal for me... if u made me happy once you did me a good which i always will cherish and be grateful for ...

There are two kinds of awards, so make sure you know when the next start...

Soooooooo the "You make me Happy" Award Goes to

Teenage Mutiny - For his brilliance and excellence and humour and wit, and cuteness and sweetness and everything wonderful!

ALWAYS JUMPED FROM THE WRONG TRAIN.. ALWAYS - For his seriousness, for his romanticism, for his thoughts, for his wishes, for his manliness yup (he is huggable)

Pablo's Angel - for her creativity, for her love of things and stuff, and cute pics and captions and ideas and wishes and colors and optimism, and dreams and fantasies... they make me color my world with them...

The many Colours of Happiness - Same as above....

The other side of me - for the grace and the beauty of her

HR7 - This kid is at a phase in life where he has faced a lot... and he is coming out strong... i just want to know how he keeps us... i hope he writes more... keeps writing...

Color me Katie - My Encyclopedia for cool and doable ideas that can bring a smile on anyones face:D She is the most creative hardworking and fun person out here... theres nothing cool she hasnt done and lived so i envy her but in a very kind sort of way... i love her legs and the way she faunts them... makes me want to do that...:D

Cogito, ergo sum - Wat can i say he is a genius when it comes to ...you know... but no matter how cheap he gets... i still dont find him cheap... i have this huge respect for him... i dont know wat makes me have it... i blv cuz he comes out the way he is and says it in the most hillarious, humrous and fun way... its always pleasure to read him...

Chattering of a Drunk Butterfly - The title speaks for itself... love her for her cuteness, beautiful words, sweet outpourings... hope they keep coming ....

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


And now

Comes the

"You make me jealous by being soooo cool and awesome" Awards

Boredom Butcher - He likes me and so do i:)

Amith - Me Being Me - right now i am listening to the music that comes on as soon as u open his page how cool is that... i like the attitude the writing the music selection and everything...



Its always great to hear from you all and wat a morning it wud be to have a word from each of you... a new one, a fresh one...

No matter how much you have already said... its always great to hear the next part...:D

Its like those serials you get addicted to and dont want to ever end...

So keep writing the movie of your life...

Take care


Karachi My city, My ppl, Wats going on?

Ok,

I am adamant when i say i am not going to watch any of that on the television anymore...

simply cuz i cannot stop any of it...

But news do get a way to my ears somehow...FB of course and then the fact that i have all karachi and zerdari related groups added and pages liked... i get news abt wats happening...

In this holy month of Ramadan, where every muslim shud be busy with prayers and fasting... we have men, who have the audacity to kill in the name of peace and religion or safety of Pakistan... Wat Bull is that...

And no i am not going to make prayers of a miracle, by which God kills Zerdari and all those evil ppl... cuz if God really wanted to do that he wud have way back...

God is on top of everything we know that, but not that he is going to make all the efforts that we need to make...

for example, understanding that when Zerdari comes to reign... we cannot expect something better then this... and then knowing it giving him this place is an act of stupidty which all of us have a hand in... so pls dont cry as if u didnt knew wat u were going for...

If you marry a rapist, and then cry for being raped... it doesnt make sense right...
exactly...

so wats the solution....

thats the big question...

but before kicking someone out, we need to know that one person's leaving will make any difference or not...

If you ask me i will say a Big No

Zerdari kya, tum Imran Khan ko bithado, aur dekho woh kya kerta hai...

see, its not one mans show that this evil game is to be blamed on... its many underground forces, which we have no clue abt...

and they are, who knows, possibly US led, India led, or taliban Led, or even jews led, or the so called pious mulsims led... yes

Muslims, are one who recite the kalima and salawat and say they are beleivers and followrers of Allah and Muhammad...

The ones who fought Imam Husain in Kerbala, were not indians, or jews, or Christiants, they actually prayed behind the imam and were very much muslims of a kind... Which kind only the wise will be able to tell...

So anyone who is against right, even if he claims he is Muslim, cant be so... i dont beleive him, and I know My Allah doesnt approve of him...

He will be as much going in the hell as jews or may be he may have a even worse ending...

As for the innocents... all i know is whether its earthquake, Tsunami, or wars... innocents dont have to fear a thing, they may have been deprived of the life here, but their eternal life is saved... and that's wat as Muslims we are taught to beleive, that this life is not eternal, that life is, where we all are bound to go sooner or later...

so dont worry, my native brothers and sisters, know that God will not give u any pain beyond our capability, and our sins are the only thing we need to fear, and not some stupid devil led men, who have been kept on lose for a certain period...



Fi amanillah!

(Pray and ask for Allahs help, for only he is the best helper there is or ever will be)

Friday, August 19, 2011

He Accepted!

I think he is the cutest man i have seen on FB(and i have had a pleasure to exchange a smile with him at the T2F)... so i acted on the impulse when it presented itself instantly added him, pledging that it shall finally put an end to my fill for cool looking ppl and will stop me from ever wanting to add anyone again...

And today he finally accepted me, making me feel welcome, and now he is in my list of Freinds in FB... yey! now i can say i have the most handsomest man in my freinds list dont u dare call me i am not good enuf:P meant for that critical part of me, and to put an end to its stupid fault finding...

also I finally put an end to the temptation to keep adding ppl i find intriguing but dont really know, with millions of them,there is really no way to stop ur better seeking and finding and want more mind... so no more of them... from now on i will add only those i know well... wat ever that means:)

wierd! may be... but we all have those tendencies which only we can reason and put an end to by making solid and workable rules...

Now everytime i will see a guy i will feel tempted to nudge or be curious abt... i am going to look at his pic and remember my vow and get the courage to adhere to the benefiting rule i have made...

with temptations ruling loud...the only thing u will get urself into is Trouble... yes u hear me right so try limiting them as much as possible...

:)

God bless u and give u courage to fight wrong temptations which may lead u to a lonely and painful path eventually...:)

Guess who he is?



Wasnt he adorable...:D Well i am sure i see way more adorable kids around my city... but still theres something abt him... Why?



Cuz he is none other , the one and only ♥♥♥♥♥♥Salman Khan♥♥♥♥♥♥

He makes me so happy!

and it was never the case when i saw him with madhuri


or Bhagea shree



or even aishveriya...



but somehow seeing him with katrina



Kareena



and yes Asin (Get your hands off Would you?


makes me jealous... i wonder why?

May be cuz they are single, or way too beautiful and hot for him to handle or may be cuz it was recently that this thought was introduced to my naive mind :S

so wat i wasnt really intending to marry him... right?
No (with an unsure lost, trying to make sense look)

then why do i care who he does wat with

Yes ( still unsure)

Wat is the problem then?

I am not sure... Besides havent i already made vows abt who i want to marry... in front of God...

Yes... and arent i like going to be true to that vow till eternity... Yessss!

then why do i care Abt salman khan and who he is with or isnt with?

I dont knowwwwww.... okkkk! i know its wierd... i knowwwww.... but its just that i cant stop thinking who he will end up with, or if he is not being off limits... and to just be there.... i mean i dont know.....seriously...

all i know is that one day i had this strange wish in me and it so happens when i wish sincerely it has to come true and sort of my life adjusts around that wish... so if there were some plans made, the wish will fail them and new plans will get into place... i wud feel angry for the plans that fail, but when i see my wishes come true ... i realise those were not as imp or worthy as wat i just Got...

and u know who led me to pay this unusual kind of attention to Salman Khan...

You, My beloved who left me crying and yet wants me to stay happy...

Sometimes even i think if only i had not made that vow... i surely wud have convinced myself you are a mirage for anything happy... but the truth is the happiness i felt when u were there is wat i never felt after that...

I know it scares me to be so dependant on u for that Me... who only comes out when u r there....but the truth i crave to see that ME... the beautiful lovely, and wonderful ME and it makes me want to have you stay forever:)

And the fact that even Salman Khan cannot make me the happy that you make me... i beleive will give u enuf reason to believe when i say I love you...the way i love no one!

Not even those i loved before you...who God hadnt intented for me... and who are happy with their beautiful wives, and family...one of them is a friend i always will cherish ...

But its not like i desire them... no way... not even for a second...:D Its you and only You...I am not even sure why, other then for the reason that one day i made this vow when i was abt to lose u that i wud keep loving u no matter wat! no matter where life leads us both, who you want to be with in the end!

For my love isnt changeable... even if the rest of everything in me is!







I love to follow, but its great to be followed back!


17:DDDD

just when i felt sad for being so lame with the use of colors, pics, cool gadgets and organization, like the rest of them...and the fact that most of them are coolest ppl on the face of earth... i cant help feeling awesome :D



Thank u so much for all of ur love and following . it sure gives me happiness to see your beautiful comments...



Love u all cool people out there...

Happy Blogging

Thursday, August 18, 2011

to imagine something beautiful and throw it in the air with a hope to see it happening one day, expecting it to happen someday here or in the eternity...

:D

is indeed necessary part of being a healthy, blissed , and positive human...

Sharing this with you all



When i starting blogging...it was meant to be a space for me, where i cud write it all out which was impossible and even unhealthy to share with anyone else... not even the closest chums...

I have realized it after denying and beleiving that its not really true... but somethings are meant only for u to know alone and share with no one but ur own soul... not even your soulmate... for there is a world in him/her which will remain unaccessible to u... the only one who can view it... is God... who needs no visa or passport to enter there...:D

I didnt know then that i shall be followed by humans here and i will actually feel good abt letting them in... to the most secretive part of me... which can open me like a book... and lead to judgements of others... not necessarily harmless or useful...

But just like i felt great being in someone elses space and knowing their souls through their blogs their intimate thoughts... i cudnt deny others mine... yes i do have a filter that i can use if i want... and may be i do use it...

but wat i really enjoy abt blogging is...is the fact that one day... may be... before leaving this world i will tell my kids and those who matter and to whom i matter to have a read of this...

the fact that this blog might be here for others to read even when i wont be here is very satisfying and exciting... as if i feel i will be alive and vry much part of the life of anyone who reads me through this blog...

just like when i read someones blog entry... and without even knowing him feel instantly connected to him/ her in that moment... so will someone else feel abt me...

they might even try to imagine my being through this... envisage me picture me...

and my kids or husband may come to know me in a different light when reading this... cuz wat i am here i know i may never be there...

this is that space or part of that space which is private... even for them...

i remember there were times when my mom used to tell me abt her life... her childhood...

anytime she told me something which was unjust done to her... by even the closest of her family my protective side wud get angry and agitated... i wud live her pain and i wud question them how dare they did that to her...

and then she used to tell me how she played gilli danda on her terrace, or tennis in her one room home... and i cud see a girl... doing that... but cudnt really think that girl was my mom... in that moment it was that girl... who i never wud get to know in real... as mom isnt really a girl or is she...:)

she is mom, one who can never be a girl for me...i can never see her having thoughts like me... needs like me... for she is mom... a sacrificing mom... who only has eyes for us four, life for us for, thoughts for us four, needs for us for... and nothing else...

but i am glad when she does end up showing her needs for her own girl and make us know she isnt just a mom... she is a woman a girl who needs almost the same things like we do...

so as i write in here my fears, my dreams... my moments, my thoughts and happenings and passions and desires... i feel i am getting into an eternal being... which will atleast exist here for as long as even one soul accesses this page and thinks abt me...in the hearts of those who love me and hold on to me i of course will stay for as long as their hearts keep beating with me in it...

This space still is meant for me...but its ok if you want to gain strength from it, love from it, happiness from it and faith from it...

i will feel God approves of me if i was able to render that...

everything else forgive me...for i am but human...

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

That boy who had all the sea to himself!





I wonder wat his future holds for him...

He cud be so many things yet wat he will end up having anc choosing for himself cud be way different from wat anyone can wish for him...

But wasnt he created by God almighty for a certain purpose and reason... and whether he beleives it or not or accepts it or not, or relishes in it or not...he will be that...

At times this one thot can be very welcoming and warming and soothing...

as i see him sailing in his sack billions of thoughts gliding in the universe of his brain... i know he is free, unless he starts trusting someone more ... and giving up his reigns to that someone...

most of the times we are not lucky to find the right master... but right now he is free in his soul in his body, in his heart and his spirit...

He is happy! and Educated!

P.S Picture courtesy Mehlum sadri (copy right)

Of love and Fate!

Nothing i did was enuf for u... but anything u did or didnt do was fine with me....now there is hardly anthing u can do that will make up for it... and watever i ever will do will be enuf but i am lost for words and actions towards you! change of tables...

We dont stretch good luck to a level where it breaks down and gives up... cuz when it does we are done! Guess wat we still do...

But i am that good luck of urs which will always be with u even if this far...ybut you will never know! and may be that's ur badluck one that u got urself into by ur own very decision:)

God is watching and knowing my and your actions and motives and deciding and manifesting your and my destiny based on them... every going second! i may be unaware of urs, u may be unaware of mine but He isnt... Who needs spies! I dont!



Quotes!!!!!!

one of my fav thing to do is to open profiles, and go to the quotes section... check them out and copy paste in my book of quotes:D i can do this for ever and never get tired:D and everytime i do that a voice in me says to me" how come u never find them... and they do:( they are so much more informed and open! i am a devouring machine for well spoken thoughts...that voice is a part of me that never approves of me and is impressed by every one who seems to have a better collection of quotes....

The willing Man!

Its the will power in ur heart that makes God make things possible for u... He wont grant u anything without ur own willingness and hearty desire for it... these two sometimes go beyond u even deserving them...they eventually make u deserving

Sunday, August 14, 2011

We all Die in the end!

Those who sing their songs and those who don't...

so many songs i cud have sung but didnt... they hammer inside me... and then give up... like that tide that breaks down after hitting the shore...it knows it cant go further then that and then finally calms down... doesnt fight...

We enjoy them both... the calmly flowing back and the passionately roaring and hitting the shores...

You may think... its failure, but it isn't... its understanding, its knowing, its beleiving and its surrendering to a higher source... and everytime u do that , u arent a failure... no matter wat they say!

But there is a moment to passionately act and a moment to patiently surrender... done by the same heart...

but phir bhi kabhi kabhi merey dil mein khayal aata hai...

1- to sing
2- To fly and float in the air
3- Laugh with u and hold u and do as u please
4- Do something fearless
5- Go splash in the water fall
6- Dance
7- Be Fearless
8- Lie down on the seashore and watch the heaven above...
10 live in a cottage near a river bank... in a green valley...surrounded by mountains...
11- Travel, experience, feel, and reach and keep reaching, until i am no more!
12- Take lots of pics...

and do any and all of this every single day...

But i am a coward, somewhere a big coward, and doubting human...relying on prayers and taking time for granted, life for granted, chances for granted!

That girl in me... i beleive will never let me settle for anything less than that! she is shy, she is meek, but she is adamant, non accepting even if she doesn't demand!

That girl is Me!

I Loveee Doing this... and i can go on and on and on... Keep asking me and i will come out!

OKKK Here i Go.

Make a list of 5 things that are in reach.
Laptop, cell ph, mom, FB and God

B. What is your favourite holiday?
hmmm!i am on vacations...long and indefinite one, but otherwise they are ona rainy day like today!

C. What is your fashion style?
anything that catches my eyes, that i can think to wear without having a lot of eye raises and that makes me feel wonderful... i want to try every dress once...

D. What’s your occupation?
hmmm falling in love!:P does that count, it surely doesnt pay money wise

E. What do you hear right now?
the fan, the birds chirping, typing sound, my heart beating

F. Who was the last person you hugged?
myself!

G. What random song just popped in your head now?
today i was practicing... Bejaan dil ko terey ishq ne zinda kiya ... salman khan loves this song and so do i...:(

H. What did you do today?
ummm... tried my moms wedding saari... am wearing it on my bros wedding... and FB and singing and praying and loving! and getting irritated!

I. What was the last text message you received?

got a membership confirmation message

J. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
FB, Gmail, Blogger.com, youtube and google, yes linked in and hotmail for a certain thing thats pretty much it... sometimes yahoo answers and random stuff too

K. What is your next big planned purchase?
Many actually... Mic wud be first...

L. If you could afford to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
everywhere, switzserland is foremost

M. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
although it will be a surprise... i wud like to see myself happily married... and somewhere awesome and breath taking

N. Where’s your tattoo/Where would you like a tattoo?
on my arm and on one of the shoulder or in the back below neck...

O. What are you doing this weekend?
masjid, and may be an after iftar get together with a childhood friend visiting... boring i know... hopefully if AQ yoga calls me in... may join him for the classes ... he is just too good

P. If you could play any musical instrument, which one would you play?
Guitar

Q. What’s the one thing you need the most now?
to be with him! Somehow

R. Are you a creeper?
When you are part of my destiny


S. What is your dream job?
Sing, and work in a movie of my choice


T. What’s the last good movie you saw?
Zindagi na milaygi dobara


U. What’s your favourite quote?
They talk of my drinking never of my thirst

V. What is your favourite colour?

it cant be one... black

W. Give us three styling tips that always work for you:
braids in hair, kajal, and nice pair of slippers

X. Coffee or tea?
tea always

Y. What do you love to do when it is drizzling?
go on the terrace, think and watch and feel the rain, and the smell and walk for hours singing songs... go on a ride... and take the hand and face out to feel the wind and rain... and close my eyes and drift away... and have samosas pakoras...




Z. What inspires you?

Kids, fearless ppl with a golden heart, mauj masti, songs, music, nature, wind, rain, some sacred rare ppl, kids, movies, art, artist, writers, thinkers, bloggers, like HBL, furree kat, katie and there are so many... infact all those who have a creative spark and come out and share it are heroes and they all inspire me ...At times even i inspire myself...:D


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Happy Independence PAKISTAAAAN!!!!!

We have so many memories together, and you know the best is when i travel around the globe and end up saying no place beats the depth of wat i feel in my country ... and no greens are better then wat our naran kalam and shugran offers:)

I may be wrong... but well i know i miss the pathans, the narans, the shugrans, the kaghans, the farans, the herans the pereshans... the khans the lawns...:D

YAA AND THE PAANS, AND THE RAANS,

that you my dear Country offer...

So God bless You and when i go out and see youngsters riding with your flag around, with u in their hearts i know we are safe and so are u...

God Bless you

Pakistan Zindabad!!!!


Friday, August 12, 2011

Tum!

Kub Tek jiyoon akeley
tum Aake Saath dejao na!

:D Some days when having u cud come handy:(

Aah i can never have another like u ... and that's wat makes me so stuck!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Samosaaaaaaaaa!


samosas my love for u is never ending!:D just to think of u makes me soooo happy... wat a treat u r to my tongue... it never stops thanking and desiring more of ur crispy , crunchy salty, spicy yummy feel.... :D


and Salman you come next






Can anyone give me the lyrics!

i want the lyrics of rhema singing hurt!:( i have looked all the pages in google:( any one who gets me this will get a chance to hear me sing this lovely song live:P its frustrating how i open every sight hoping to get hold on it:((((( or if anyone can tell me the words just by hearing it...

I want to master this song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yvr6KULsso

i have scribbled wat i cud understand



Seems like it was yesterday when the .....
that you told me how proud you were of .....

if oly i knew wat u did

ooooooo


i wud hold you in my arms i wud take the pain away
thank you for all youve done forgive for your mistakes

theres nothing i wudnt do to hear your voice again

sometimes i want to call you, but i know you wont be there

oooo

i am sorry for ...... you, for everything i just cudnt do

and i hurt myself by hurting you

somedays i feel cold inside ......, sometimes i just want to hide ........

its so hard to say good bye,

when it comes to this

ooooo

wud u tell me i was wrong,
wud u help me understand,

are you looking down upon me,
are you proud of who i am

theres nothing i wudnt do to have this one more chance

to look into your eyes and see you looking back

ohhhooo

i am sorry for ...... you for everthing i just cudnt do

and i hurt myself ohhhhhooo

if i had just one more day

i want to tell how much i have missed you since you have been away

ooooo

its dangerous

...........
to try ........


ohhh

I am sorry for ..... you

for everything i just cudnt do

and i hurt myself

by hurting you