Monday, December 31, 2012

Monday, December 3, 2012

thinking to adopt a child, now that marriage is not really in my cards!

Self-Assessment Adoption Quiz

he goal of this quiz is to help you (and your spouse) identify, clarify and discuss your feelings and goals about adoption. If you have a spouse or partner, complete the assessment separately, then compare and discuss your answers.
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  1. Why do you want to adopt? to have someone to love, and feel lifes worthiness and aim
  2. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how badly do 8
  3. Who is the driver of wanting this adoption? Will this cause conflict? you want to adopt?Me (definitely)
    • Me (a little bit more than my spouse)
    • My spouse/partner (definitely)
    • My spouse/partner (a little bit more)
    • Both want to adopt about the same
  4. Will this driver/driven dynamic cause conflict in your relationship? i am single
  5. What age child would you prefer to adopt? (Underline the preferred age, and circle all ages you would be willing to consider.)
    • Newborn (under six months)
    • Infant (newborn to 2)
    • Preschooler (3 to 5)
    • Primary school (6 to 10)
    • Middle school (11 to 14)
    • High school (15 to 18)
  6. How firm are you on the age selected above?  firm
  7. Which of the following disabilities would you be willing to consider in an adoptive child? (Select all that you would consider)
    • Drug exposed (occasional)
    • Deafness
    • Mild or medically correctable condition
    • No drugs or alcohol considered
    • Non-correctable (cerebral palsy, retardation etc.)
    • Alcohol exposed (occasional)
    • Alcohol exposed (frequent)
    • Smoking exposed
    • Emotional/mental disorders in family
    • Emotional/mental disorders in child
    • Premature birth
    • Multiple birth
    • Club foot
    • Cleft pallet or lip
    • Downs Syndrome
    • Epilepsy in child
    • Epilepsy in family
    • Blindness
    • Diabetes in child
    • Diabetes in family
    • Conceived through rape
    • Conceived through incest
    • Nothing known about father
    • Nothing known about mother
    • Sibling group
  8. Which of the following racial heritages would you be willing to consider in an adoptive child? (Select all that apply)
    • Any Child
    • Arab/Middle Eastern
    • Asian
    • African American
    • Caucasian
    • Caucasian/Asian
    • Caucasian/African American
    • European
    • Caucasian/Hispanic
    • Caucasian/Native American
    • Eastern European/Slavic/Russian
    • Hispanic or South/Central American
    • Mediterranean
    • Middle Eastern
    • Multi-Racial
    • Native American (American Indian)
    • Pacific Islander
  9. Which gender would you prefer in your child?
    • Girl
    • Boy
    • Either
  10. Would you consider twins?
    • Yes
    • No
  11. Do you feel you are stable in your relationship as a couple without having children? yes
  12. Which friends and family members would you want to tell about your adoption plans? Which would be supportive and which would not?  i will be able to make them all get alone with my decision
  13. What level of openness are you willing to consider with birthparents?
    • Completely open adoption
    • Open adoption with reasonable boundaries
    • Exchanging letters and photos only
    • Completely confidential adoption
  14. Would you be willing to comply with specific birth family requests regarding child rearing (such as religious instruction, name or schooling)?
    • Yes
    • No
  15. 15. Where would you be willing to go to adopt? (Select all that apply)
    • Only in our state
    • Neighboring states
    • Anywhere in US
    • International
  16. How much time will you take off work during and after the adoption? as much as i can... i will work for it, so that i can give a him a good life.
  17. How much money would you be willing to spend on an adoption?  not much... minimal fees if possible. ki wud rather spend more on the kid then on the adoption services. which i beleive shud be a not so expensive service
  18. How much economic hardship would that cause?
  19. When and how do you feel children should be told they're adopted?
    • As early as possible / preschool
    • Mid- to late-childhood
    • As adults
    • Only when they ask
    • Only when they find out
    • Never
    • Not sure
  20. Would you support/assist your child if he/she wanted to find, contact or have a relationship with his/her birthparents?
    • Yes
    • No
    • Don't know
  21. Many adoptive parents have 'dry runs' before they actually adopt. How would you handle an adoption that matched with you but did not end up placing? dont get it
  22. 22. Will you or your spouse (partner) change your workload outside the home after the adoption?
    • Yes, I will stay at home with the child
    • Yes, my spouse will stay at home with the child
    • I will reduce my work load to part time
    • My spouse will reduce his/her work load to part time
    • Will remain the same
    • Already stay-at-home
  23. What do you feel you could contribute to a child? love affection and good life
  24. What aspects of childrearing are so important to you that you would find it difficult to compromise (such as disciplinereligion, schooling, stay-at-home parenting, etc.)? loving and providing for its basic needs as well as socal need for him/ her to be a good and positve human being
  25. Are you ready to love an adopted child as much as one you gave birth to biologically?
    • Yes
    • No
    • I think so
    • I don't know
  26. Would you prefer to continue with infertility treatment before seriously pursuing adoption? If so, why? No
  27. Deep down do you feel like you are being forced to adopt if you want to have children, adoption as a means to build a family is "second best," or that adoption is your "last resort" if you want to be able to have children?  No
    (If you answered yes to any of these points, there is a very good chance that you have some significant unresolved issues relating to infertility that you might find beneficial to address and resolve prior to adopting.)
  28. What is the ideal adoption situation for you? none
  29. Ideally, how many children would you like? 2
  30. How long are you willing to wait to adopt?
    • Up to six months
    • Six months to 1 year
    • 1 year to 2 years
    • 2 to 3 years
    • However long it takes

I am done Loving!

He is the only one i love but i cant be with him. Its a shame.

I am asked to look out for new love but i tell every one.. i am done loving... and i am glad i got a chance to  have loved fully. i gave him all that i had... and now i have nothing to left in me... an emppty hollow heart... and a soul that is full of him

so i might marry another , . but it wont be for love, it wud be for duty..

.i never believed in marriage without love... i never believed in  loving one and marryig other... i dont believe in having a wandering and longing heart while i am with someone on my side... 

believe in loving once and giving my everything to it. and i did... 

Aren't men supposed to know the womans heart... and whats in it when they seek to marry... or are they just bothered about having their  needs met... need for sex... need for food and need for support.

or do men really do care for a woman like a woman care for a man? to know them inside out

May be he tried teaching me this  lesson. when needs are at stake... man cant think.

but all i know is i have loved for this life... and may be i failed... but even if my heart bleeds and my soul cries,   i do smile and laugh and sing and dance, when i come across something mesmerizing. This world is so beautiful with so many beautiful people... including all those heart throbs, my mind tries temoting me with... and i do think men make this planet beautiful, just like man think woman make this world beautiful... 

but for me he stands out... like a sun among stars... like a  kind among people... like a love among infatuations...  and a longing among needs. needs that can be easily fulfilled and replaced... he on the other hand is   longing that tugs at my heart and keeps it bleeding through my eyes.

I may have losthim... but i didnt lose my will to love him.  its still there and my hearthsnt stop bating on his name. 

 i sinserely wish those who love me cud know how i feel and let me be and forgive me for not being like them...not thinking like them... not behaving like them. not existing like them.

I was born to be myself... love my way... live my way, dress my way, eat my way... exist my way  and finally die my way!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Girls this one is for us!!!! Are we beautiful of what!!!:)

Would you dance
If I asked you to dance?
Would you run
And never look back?
Would you cry
If you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble
If I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die 
For the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight. 

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I would stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear
That you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie? 
Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care 
You're here tonight. 

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I would stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you.
Am I in too deep? 
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care
You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain. 
I will stand by your forever.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

Enrique's Hero

Get ready to be shattered!:)  (youtube Video)

Monday, November 19, 2012

Can't Beleive what the world is coming to...

some pictures in Gaza violence made me realise its not in some movie the massacre is happening... Its the real world and real people... real chldren...

and the murderers use the name of righteousness to justify their doings.

Is there really a justification of harming a kid? i dont think so... and no one in their true mind would.

Then how can our leaders make us beleive its alright... its ok.... how can we let unreasonable people rule our lands and make decisions for us...

someone rightly said...

you want to know who rules you... just know who that someone is who you are not allowed to criticize.

Imam husain, left behind for his beleiver a legacy to stand against the evil the unjust, even if it costs you your life your family life... because when you fight for just, you fight for the Lord... and why be frugal with your life... when it is indeed a thing given by Lord himself, one he can take from you any moment.. Isnt it better to hand it over to him in some courageoud times... then make him take it... from you while you cry in despair... or fear.


but who am i telling this to... my readers who are ppl like me astonished in the face of this terrorism...

Well as i beat my heart out remembering imam husain... i now definitely am going to pray for those ppl in gaza and anywhere in the world terribly being robbed of their peace of mind and life...

May God help the innocent and come to their aids!

To see a happy, world is a myth... if it had not been... Rasulallah had not beein in pain, Ali had not been in pain... husain had not died in vain... but they did... and its foolish for us to beleive... things wud change for ppl like us...

they wont... and we will take back out truths to our lord... all we will have is not what happened to the world... while we resided there... but what we did, and what we didnt do. Period!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Stillness Speaks by Ekhart Tolle

ch 1 silence and stillness

when u lose touch with your inner stillness
u lose touch with urself

when u lose touch with urself
u lose urself in the world

ur innermost sense of self of who u r is inseperable from stillness

it is the i am, which is deeper then name and form

stillness is ur essential nature.

what is stillness
an inner ence or awareness in which these words are being perceived and become thoughts

without that awareness there wud be no perception....... no thoughts....... no world.

u r that awareness disguised as a person

the equivalent of external noise is the inner noise of thinking

the equvalent of external silence is inner stillness

whenever there is some silence around u...... listen to it.     that means just notice it, pay attention to it

listening to silence awakens the dimention of stillness within urself

because it is only thrugh stillness that u can be aware of silence

see that in the moment of noticing the silence around u u r not thinking... u r aware but not thinking

when u become aware of silence immediately that enacts inner sence of alertness. u r present. you have stepped out of thousand of years of collective human conditioning

look at a tree, a flower, a plant.
let ur awareness rest upon it

how still they are how deeply rooted in being

allow nature to teach u stillness

when u lok at a tree and perceive it stillness, u become still urself

u connect with it at a very deep level

u feel a oneness in what ever u perceive in an through stillness

feelings of oneness of urself with all things is love

silence is helpful but u dont need it in order to find stillness. even if there is noise u can be aware of stillness underneathe tht noise of space n which the nise arises

that is the inner space of awareness.. consiousness itself

u can become aware of awareness as the background of all ur sense perceptions or ur thinking

becoming aware of awareness is he ariving of stillness

any disturbing noise can be as helpful as silence.


by dropping ur inner resitance to noise.. by allowing it to be as it is. this acceptance also takes u in the round of inner peace that is stillness

whenever u deeply accept this moment as it is, no matter hwat form it takes u r still. u r at peace.

pay attention to the gap. the gap b/w tw thoughts. the breif silence space between words in a conversation

b/w the nodes of the piano or flute.. between the inbreaths and ut breaths.

when u pay attention to those gaps, the awareness of something becomes just awareness

true intelligence operates silently

n silence cretaivty and solutions to problems are found.

is stillness just absense of noise and content. no! its the intelligence itself.
the underlying form of consiousness thoorugh which every form is born

and how cud that be seperate from who u r

the form u think u r came out of that and is being sustained by it.

itsis th essense of all galaxies and blads of grass. of all flowers trees birds and all other forms

stillness is the only thing in this world which has no form, but then it is really not a thing and it is not of this world

when u look at a tree or human being in stillness who is looking
something deeper then ther person, consiousness is looking at its creation

do u need more knowledge... is more information going t save the world or faster comuters

is it not wisdome that humanity needs most at this time

but what is wisdom and where is it to be found?

wisdom comes with the ability to be still

just look and just listen. no more is needed

to be still look and listen activates the non conceptual intelligence within u

let stillness direct ur words and actions.

ch 2

beyond the thinking mind

most ppl spend their whole lives in the confines of their own thoughts

they never go beyond the narrowminded sense of self that is conditioned by past.

in each of us there is a dimention of consiousness that is far deeper then thought and that is the eswssence of who we r

we may call it presnece, awareness, the unconditioned consiousness. fnding that consiousness frees u and the world from the sufferings u inflict on urself and others

love joy creative expansion and lasting inner peace cannot come into ur life except through that unconditioned dimension consiousness.

if u can recognize even occasionallly, the thots tat go thorugh ur mind as just thoughts. if u can witness urself ur own mental emotional reactive patterns as they happen. then that dimension is already emerging in u as awareness in whi ch

thoughts and emotions happen

th consious inner sace in which the content of ur ife unfolds..

the stream of thinking has an enormous momentum that cud drag u along with it..

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Life of Two Polar Bears James and Donna

James: How crazy our life is.... sitting and waiting... waiting for food... wonder if ill get it today...

well i know i will... and also how pathetic i will feel after killing and eating... how pathetic...

i cant make out the sense of this existence...

If it was not for Donna , life would have been such a meaningless thing.

well i should not be so negative...i should better get up...hmmm (starts walking)

where is Donna... atleast  time goes faster, playing kissing hugging and if nothing simply teasing her...

look at all this snow... the grass is pretty scarce ...

i am feelings sleepy... so much for having such a boring monotonus life... i seriously envy these humans... how exciting their job is. So stupid though video taping me for almost a day now....ask my wife she doesnt even think i am worth spending an hr with....

Donna! finally! ... ok now dont fight with me... i just came for a nice chat...

woman... wat... cant i have moment of peace  with u... haan

ok thats enuf ... i am trying to.. ok come here now give me a kiss... thats my girl... wat now? not follow u... wat else is there to do... now come on... hey

alright fine... if you would only understand  hey... that sun looks beautiful... have a look Donna... such a beauty... majestic...

Donna: hmmm yeah wat ever...

James: wat r u looking for...

havent eaen a thing... its almost dark.... can i have something to eat today.. god i hate being here... i wish i had known this before marriage... wat i life i put up myself for.

Jame: (discouraged) hmmm... you will find something dont worry...

donna: yeah... looking away in the distance with nothing in the sight but the white snow

i think i need to get pregnant. Having kids will be good for me...

(the moon glares back at them ) the night approaches!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

You cant Imagine how happy i was!

It dsplayed on my yahoo email like a medal. it was purely magical. And i had not expected it in the least. A question like that seemed desperate. and to expect an answer from the man himself, an impossibility. But there it was glaring at me telling me to believe it... but like previous time... i wasn't jumping up and down. I was very poised. Like i was getting used to my tiny tear drop successes.:) He greeted me using my name... and answered me oh so well. That i am finally registering to him as a person, though one of her fan, but one who was doing more then wat others were doing to get his attention. Even if it was for mere fraction of the day, even if it was just to be polite and return the gesture of unconditional love. Well unconditional love is all i feel for him. Other wise who he is, just an actor, who happens to resemble you or more so you resembles him. Is that the reason why i started noticing him suddenly and getting all interested. Well what ever is the reason, i don't want to get into the core of it. All i know is that i got a reply from RAHUL BOSE, one of the finest, actors i have come across and one of the finest human being too and i am very very excited. I am planning to get it framed, like one of the trophy, not one that stands there in the corner of a table collecting dust but rather a frame that would adorn my bedroom wall, or reside by my bed, making me feel happy waking every morning, alone. for i know if ill ever get married... this picture will have to go somewhere else.. or may be i will finally grow up to dump it. (that wouldn't be so fair)but just imagine.. a 50 yr old women, keeping this reply framed by her bedside... doesn't make a dime of sense... unless i am warded in a mental institution, cuz of my not growing out of my teens even at the age 50:)so you see Rahul i do have a point, and you shouldn't feel sad when i get rid of this message. Those who haven't felt this way about something in life... have really missed something very beautiful in their life and i have my condolences to offer those deprived souls... those who exactly know wat i am feeling and talking abt... here's to us all crazy aatmas... Cheers

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Define your Problems as Goals

Your problems are those undesired things in your life which you want to get rid off as soon as possible. Its like those stones that keep coming in your path and try to knock u down, make u feel sad, pained and uncomfortable. Thinking about them makes you grow serious glum, annoyed, irritated, frustrated, angered unhappy, or thoughtful. Your mind either is focused on how difficult your life is with this problem and how by anyway possible you can get it done. Some of these problems already have a solution. You know the solution but u r too lazy and unwilling, or incapable of taking those actions. Sometimes how ever you cannot solve it on your own and need outside help. Whether or not your solution is clear to you, you are always clear about one thing. What you want? What needs to be done? where you want to see yourself past that problem? And that beautiful happy, secure realization is called the GOAL. The end result. And to get there you must be willing to do all that is required, and that part is called the Acheivement. Problems can be visible. Anyone can see them.. they are as clear as the day. Problems can be invisible. No body other then you know about them. No one can even guess what eating you from inside... but none the less there is a serious problem, which you have been trying to fight / living with since the day it was conceived. But what ever those problems or hurdles are, its much easier to tackle them and get around them when you list them in terms of a goal. So if your problem is He doesn’t want to marry me... Your focus should be on how to convince him to marry you. “Convince him to marry you” then becomes your goal and “How” is the way you and solutions and options and possibilities you will need to work on in order to reach that Goal. My acne is so bad. Its a huge problem Even though its a true observation... it does little to get you to solve it. So your focus should be on How can I get rid of it; where “How “would be the WAY and “Get rid of Acne” would be your GOAL and the more you could focus on the two... the less your acne will remain a problem for u. Use this trick to all your problems, and problems will not be a problem any more.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Movie Time: Love Comes Softly

Best Pieces clark to Marty : The truth of Gods love is not that he allows bad things to happen.. Its his promise to help you there with it. Missy: i am tired of trying, its too hard , besides i don't need to read anyhow... Marty: ok fine... Missy : you dont care if i dont do it Marty: no, not if u dont like adventures Missy : what do u mean no adventures Marty: Once you can read you can have every adventure you ever dreamed of. and those pages there is no limit to where you can go or what u can be! Missy: (motivated) I dont think it wud hurt if i try a bit more:D
Clark: Dear Lord you couldn't have brought more to my life i don't always understand your plans but i ask you, please share it with me this time.. please help me accept it. Old Lady: We are just lucky to leave this god forsaken part of the country Marty: i wouldn't call it God forsaken Old Lady:Horrible snow storms Marty: Beautiful sunsets Old Lady: A woman has to be crazy to stay or in love Clark: Why a man comes after a woman, its that simple. Marty:: I need a good reason to stay.. Clark: stay cuz i love you. Marty: well i will stay cuz i love you... Clark:yeh thats a good reason!:)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Learning new things everyday!:D

I was feeling bored, waiting for my online friends... but they were all busy...

Today is a day i fear the most, when nothing interesting is there... that i look forward to... not even the Drama or a movie i can watch to fill the empty hours.

People ask me to start teaching, but i think its boring for me... and i think i save kids some sanity, which an insane person like me can never bring to them...

So as i refreshedf my FB page the tenth time in a row... a quote got my attention.

"Education is not about boring classrooms, rote learning and tedious schedules, its about getting to know new things, understand them and enjoy the experience.
So according to you, what are the ways that you can make education interesting?"

its about getting to know new things, understand them and enjoy the experience.

i am sure as soon as you all will read this sentence, your motivation and curiosity and interest will rise... you will feel blood rushing back into ur face and heart...thats exactly wat happened...

and then i thot to myself when was it that i tried or learned something new... and recalling my school days... was i really being taught something new... and exciting...was i really experiencing something new...

and wat i felt was... even though may be i was... some of the teachers and their motivation level, made me feel every day was same... dull boring and full of punishments... on lessons not being turned up or something always being not as expoected by her... no matter how much the teacher failed to be as we expected her to be...

Her disappointments led us to punsihments... wat abt our disappointment... oh... yeah... we were not allowed to be disaapointed... it wasnt our place to have any expectations... but to meet expectations of our parrents and teachers..and most of the time... failing them...

though my parrents were linent... and loved us regardless... my over intelligent and sensitive self... cud read it in their eyes... and in the eyes of those countless people i met every day... and i so wished i was in a place where i was ok and good and admired just the way i was...

But not pondering more on... all that...

i Got this nice learn something new every day... read abt it, experiment with it and then summarize it all here on the matter how little it is...

so wat can be the things that wud be new to me...

making a wrong call and doing wat those guys do... harass someone...:) juts for fun... i have never dared doing that...

reading abt a phenomenon...

learning a skill or craft

making a concept of an ad... (it can be creative)

trying a new recipe...

i know these are very easy ones... one i can do in the cacoon of my home...

and wat wud really make me feel happy is going out of this cocoon and trying soemthing extremely daring...

like skydiving

scuba diving

going to india and following salman khan. making him spend a day with me...

ask madhuri to teach me ik do teen dance

drive a plane

be an airhostess for one day

act in a movie (bolly wood)

learn belly dance, salsa, ice skating

do all these crazy things before i hit my 40s

and try as many ideas as cross my mind...

and then when i am done with all these controversial things ... get married to someone who loves me just as much as i love him... and give all i can to my family...

The end!:D

Saturday, March 10, 2012


you give me a responsibility i wasnt born for... but since u asked i took it with all my heart but i am not able to do much... though unlike ... those who expect me to perform... my underperformance in this case only gets a bit of scolding from u... and then realisation and doing somethng sweet to replenish my lost faith in this! the truth is this fated coincidence is giving me that reason which i had lost for past 1 year, all i need is that we both come out fine from this momentary bad phase we both are going through with flying colors:) as we support and strengthen each other:)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Book Dedication!

I am writing a book dedication to Salman Khan...:)

Its half way through!

i plan to write 6-8 chapters.

i am on the 4th one...

This book wont have copies... just one copy which i shall post to him.

But if he likes it and wud agree to send out more copies may be you all will be lucky to read it too:)

But if this works i have one more dedication to make...

to my favorite lady... Madhuri!


Hope all is well with you all!

Have a lovely day, night:)



I love you!

I dream of you on some night, but in all of them you seem far away, unacheivable, i am this close to u... but the gulf between us seems endless...

in my day dreams how ever i get u as close as i want...

in reality... u r out there... far far away from me...

were we both meant to live alone... never to have anyone other then each other by our sides yet not having the strength and courage to be there for each other!:)

I used to feel sad abt it now... i can smile abt it...

its been a long time since i cried over losing u... being away from u... now i am getting used to it... all now i feel is love for u... and distrust of coming close and being asked to leave once again... the pain of which i cant bear... so i will never come that close again.

But love will always be here!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

To the woman i Love, with Love!


I know this may interest none of u... but i still wanted to dedicate this one post to my love, my only love when it comes to a woman....:)

Madhuri Dixit...

I was mere a teenage when i fell in love with her... She was a goddess for me... i idolised her, i almost worshipped her.No wonder when u keep such high standards for urself... u r not to get impressed with anything less... and yes, i wont lie if i say... i havent met a woman that cud surpass her... not even my MOM!

and my mom knows it... and it hurts me when she feels hurt...But being an honest person... even to keep her heart i cudnt say it.... and my Mom had no other option but to except this bitter truth... that for her daughter in woman category she will always be number 2.:)

What i can tell abt this lady... whether its Tezaab, Khal Nayak, Sajan, or Hum apke hain kon... this woman rules my heart and wud keep doing so till the day i die...

I have studied her, followed her, and i ahve wanted to be like her... i secretly wish to be born in her household next time...:) and i remember... when i was younger... and feared a lot to die... my fear of death only was heightened by the fac... i wont be able to ever watch her movies...:( to never see her dance and act and show me the love... i dont see anywhere in the world but in her movies...

So Madhuri Dixit/ Nene....I am blessed to have known u, watched u... and seen in u something i never saw anywhere else... you are a creation i cant ever have enuf of...:)

You are the ultimate woman...and if all woman were like u... this world had been surely been the most gorgeous place to be...:)

And its my deepest desire to spend a moment with u... i know it wud be like... when u watch an airplane in the air... the awe it creates in u... is never the same when u sit in one...

for me to be that close to u... wud mean something like that... so i wud like to be this far and keep revering u...:)

Love u for being u...

May the sunshine of ur smile never fades, the beauty and ur grace enhance with time... and may u keep giving me an example of how i shud be as i keep growing...:)

your greatest FAN ever!

Friday, February 24, 2012

You are my Only Song!

you are the only song i listen to subah shaam... . the feelings u get into me are too good to let go and not feel every going day...u r my heavenly mood drifting happiness generating soothing partying, bringing a wide smile on my face song... and i love u more then anything else right now... but hear u until i can be all that without u! which is next to impossible!:) so i am sorry for playing u like crazy and for all those who think they have had enuf of u... word! u bear me... u bear all that i love period!:)

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Joyful Pakistan

its a joyful experience to buys things from good looking principled, respectful, shy smiled non bargaining pathans...:) if they like u they offer to drop the stuff to ur car happily.. if they are pissed at u... they will be as rude as they can get. if after a five minute pursuation they only let go of ten Rs... i think... i will stop bargaining... to save myself extra energy lost... i so hate bargaining... mehengai hai... but i know they dont keep to themselves as much as the high end consumer shops do... when we give those luteras the price... who are we to question and manipulate these masoom pathans who are happy as a lark... even in the mid of the heat and having only enuf to get by!:) Jiyey Pathan bhai... Jiyey Pakistan!

Is this love?

i want to see you every day of my life every moment of the day and night!:) every sec of every minute i breathe:) and i know i will never be bored! like a mother who never grows bored of her kids like a hunger that never grows bored of the food... like a thirst that never grows bored of the drink... like a child that never grows old of the fun and games and laughters:)

Strange Call

So i was watching my favorite movie Dil Starring Madhuri and Amir Khan when i got a call from a number... i didnt recognize...

i picked it up... and there on the other line was a sweet sophisticated voice of a young man, and before he cud say more i realized it was 11: 25 pm...

i cut the call... focusing on the words and the sound of the voice...

he messaged me... saying he is the same person... who was messaging me 4=5 months back... and all he wants is to talk like a friend... and he is not interested in me... but wants some advise on a relationship problem...

and i like a girl who wanted to help someone... agreed to message back... and then he called... telling me the whole story and a detailed snapshot of the 5 yrs story with a Girl who was 15 when they met and now is 20 ... and this boy is off mere age 23.

I listened... because he resembled someone i had known with similar problem... and i cud sense the same tones and things...

I dont know why?

But i felt as if God wanted me to know something here...

A person who has closed herself to everyone... who would never indulge with ppl... picks an unknown call from a person who only sounded nice on the ph... makes me realise how easy it is for me to lend an ear to someone... and talk to someone... care for someone and then get hooked on to someone...

And all this while waiting for the man i cud eventually marry and have a beautiful blessed family life with...

All come except him... and i wonder why?

This person is struggling with himself for breaking up with a Girl who he loves but cant trust or be happy with... he needs that guard which will stop him from reaching out and doing wats not right...

We all at times... want this kind of support where we need someone to pull us back when we are going in the wrong direction...which allures us tempts us... and excites us... but is totally wrong for us

And although i find it hard... i am glad for an opportunity to help a young guy to find his sanity back.. but...

a woman who herself is insane in love... how can she offer sanity to a falling man...

Only a sane and strong woman can support a falling man... and only a strong and steady man can support a falling woman.:)

and that too if they are committed to the job an unfailing commitment it takes!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Love Me Tight and Never Let Go

Life is beautiful when u love someone but its 100 times better if the person u love loves u back, needs u in their life and holds u in their world just like u hold him/her in urs!:) not at a distance but closer then breath!

Of Ribs and Cages!

they say a woman is made from her mans rib... but if she married more then one man in her life... does that means she is born from the ribs of more then one man? like when she gets divorced or her husband dies... or is it since a man can have more then one rib... i mean woman... a woman can also have more then one ribcage... i mean man? and those who never marry... her man never existed or she refused to be in a cage!

Its a new Day!

Today i start my life as a new born baby... with nothing engraved on her heart! its a clean sheet which i will fill with what i love the most... not what i was told i must love in order to win in this life and here after!

Friday, February 17, 2012


I know he is one! And wat ever name u give him... its the same we are referring to...

If this is one world... then he is the Creator... who whether we bow to or not... He will be the creator

If we will bow and love and worship and place our trusts in Him... He will reward us with a life of his beloved creation and if we dont... he will disgrace and make life a hell.

I know that much...i beleive it... and cannot deny it...

He is just! But he is not just the way we want him to be just.

I wanted to ask him, why he choses not to answer the plea of a your girl being raped, or abducted without her will?

I wanted to ask him, why he chose not to grant the mother with a kid when she pleads to give birth

I wanted to ask why he doesnt send a decent men or a men the women can say yes to and fine the reason to live her life then feel unloved and lose hope and vigor to move on

i wanted to ask why he chose to have the innocent killed and the evil hands to rule the world and make decisions that effect lives of those who have no say...

I wanted to ask why he never gives wat we want when we need it the most and when the need for it is no more we are granted it

i wanted to ask why he stretches us to a limit where we fail and give up on wat ever little faith we were able to have

I wanted to ask why he makes us choose the paths which are not to work out for us... and never ever tells us wat he wants so that we dont ever deem to think for ourselves and to the thing he wants from the very beginning

I wanted to ask what he wants from me and why he gave me this life... if all he wanted to see me was to be disgraced and lose every tiny bit of desire to live and breathe...

why does he hate me so much as to make me

Why was it not enuf that he wud have not made one soul who is lost who doesnt even have a desire to be found... who just wants to lose herself in the nothingness vanish in the air... like it was never there... to neither hate nor love... to neither need nor have... neither lose nor care... neither feel hunger nor cry to be fed... neither feel thirsty and die of thirst every day before she dies... who neither is born to die...

was it just to let us all know who to bow and live under... i know it was to just make urself known...

Dont u ever forgive me... cuz i dont love u! i only need you... cuz i have needs which need to be fulfilled... once i wont have needs i wont care for u... will i?

Monday, February 13, 2012

A Heart For You!

To all the lovers in the world...

A very Happy Valentines Day to you...



Sunday, February 12, 2012

Will This Do?


Posting a song (just a little bit) sung in my voice...

Await feedbacks... and if you know someone who can use this voice... keep me in mind...:)

waiting to hear your kind feedbacks:)

here you go

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Whitney Houstong Dies:(((

A sweet pang is there to know this... and to understand its mysery as i dig in to remember the moments and songs she gave us... the time i spend in my teen years singing her songs... being in awe of her beautiful voice and words...

and songs i will cherish for years to come...

She was a beautiful women with extraordinary voice... which cud wake u from dead!

If you dont know who she is the songs below will give u her intro. If you havent watched her movie Body Guard, starring ehrself and Kevin costner i recommend u all see that!

I wish her peace and love:)

God bless her Soul

Two of my favorite numbers of hers

Friday, February 10, 2012

Psyc Help

So finally i go see the Psychiatrist...

And he is a good looking well composed nice to talk to individual...

He listened and inquired and asked question to made me think...and i felt can i have a crush on him...

Actually i can...but he has a cute manager... so i am confused...:)

I told him my desire to meet Salman Khan... to which he said u think its possible... and i said yes... its highly possible... i am not surprised ur reactions not being one inch different then my parrents except u r more relaxed and calmed... and poised in stating ur concerns... they are a little u know... how parrents and siblings can be...


over all not a bad meeting... but yes...while i was talking... suddenly i started paying attention to my hands movement which was pretty awkward... and i forgot wat i was talking so... i just mumbled words... in order for him to know i know wat i am talking... but seriously i had completely forgotten wat i was talking abt... and then i just came to a halt...

so yes it happens... when u start looking at urself and wat u are doing that is amusing...

like my hands seem to have a mind of their own... infact everything in me has a mind of its own...

i am not disclosing names here of the psychiatrist.... he has asked me to join psychotherapy... where he will help me find wat i really want from my life... and how to go abt it...:)

since killing myself isnt that great idea...

i told him if i cud just get to be around salman khan more often... i wud never think of dying... and if he can help me with that... my money will be well used...

may be in the next session i will try bribe him... wats the point of making a new agenda when u already have one...


I dont think marriage is in my cards... for marriage u need to be in love with one guy... i kind of like every cute guy i come across... and i dont beleive in being judgemental... if i am happy to see u... u have the potential to have my attention and matter if u r in thousands and millions...

u all deserve to be with me...

so in the equation of marriage... this clause is not possible... i need to discuss this with him too...

if he is strong enuf to not go mad... and become one who needs psychiatric help...:)

hope u all are doing better then me...

at times i dont see my being in this world... i mean... merey hissay ka khana pani... hawa... care kisi aur ke kaam bhi to asekti hai...iitney keroron logo mein ik mein na hoti... to kisi ka kya jata...

makes sense no?

Peta nahi when will he understand... and stop making pieces like me even for fun...its not funny anymore...may be ill be a good subject for future movie makers... a girl who cudnt understand her reason to be alive and never ever lived... before she died:)

God (the one i am mad with) bless u all... for he just has a problem with me... and i have a major problem with him... and fight it is which i know i will lose... but then... i dont care wat happens to me... i need answers... justifications...and he has to give them to me... face to face before i will accept any thing.

take care folks...i wish u happiness and love... loads of it!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

You know i will die one day!

What Happened to my dreams?

I just came burrying the last one... with tearful eyes... that never wanted to lose its sight... but such is death... it doesnt listen to ur pleas or watches ur tears...

But so much as i wanted to bury myself beside them... it wasn't allowed.

And so i screamed, i begged, i cried, i yelled, i blamed, i cursed as my loved ones pulled me, in the moment knowing nothing but this... she will survive it just like we all did...she will grow out of this pain... and one day she will be back to her smiling cheerful self... like nothing happened...

But they were wrong...

Its been a year now... and i continue my lifeless existence...hopless, dreamless, with no will to live beyond today... but life knows how to keep me dragging... there are probably years of pain i need to suffer before i will be eligible to the death bed... no matter if my bones, and will and strength gives up...

Now there are just few colors of life that make me smile before the wound catches my attention once again...

And i realise if it were not for these few companions that understood me so well... the words and symphonies that hold me as i hear them and lose myself in their softness, sweetness and wisdom...survival would have been impossible, painful and treacherous...

I dont beleive anymore in anything...Not God, Not love, Not family, not freinds, not my voice and wat it cud bring to me and not my heart or mind of soul...

All i beleive in is destruction, which is the destiny of this world...of the hopes, of the dreams, of the plans, of the homes, of the faith...

As i move in this faithless, smileless state ... i only bring out words that rob more of u out there of wat they want to hold on to...

I still know wat wud bring me a smile... His coming back, and embracing me in his loving arms... or seeing his smile or hearing his laugh... or even his scoldings... i so know it will bring it all back..,

But i then in that instant realise... this voice scolding me... You are happy seeing one man... and you are not happy with God... the creator... you are oblivion of God and wat he can do or does... and yopu are so mesmerised by just one of his creations...

and i answer yes...

Even if you are God... i am not that happy having just you...I am happy only with some of ur creation... and if that makes u angry... then be angry... for i cant lie to u... i cant even care for u... or wat u think...

If u think i am not worth it... then take my life from me... just like u have taken the reason away... or you wud like to see me suffer... to show me u are the one mighty and without ur command nothing happens... then fine... i am ready to suffer...

You are God, and i have no wish to prove i am stronger then u... i am not... i am just a girl who likes wat she likes... and who cannot like wat she doesnt... no matter how imp it is for her life and survival...

But if you ever loved me... or are capable of loving me... kill me before i make u angrier then i already have...

Take me away to where u have burried my dreams... take me where u have taken my life... and let me be with them... for wat i wud want to do with eternity with nothing worth loving!