Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Still Remember The Day!

We were at the mall...i with my pregnant sister and law my 2 yr old niece zahabiya after the shop we thought to eat and to let her play in the play area.... we took a seat where we cud keep an eye on her... and i felt it was very safe... as she wud never venture out...but my sister an law kept watching every second... non stopped... i told her to relax and nothing will happen...and so she relaxed and we started talking... and then after 2 mins we like got back attentive and her eyes went to see her daughter... but she cudnt see her... she stood up to have a complete view... she wanst there... she panicked and went there to see and i started behind her too not really believing she cud go anywhere in a matter of a minute or two... she must be there... but we cudnt locate her... and then we both got panicked... real fear set in... she started running around in the whole large space... with multiple malls connected making ti extremely difficult if she went beyond the the eating area... wityh so many shops and people and kids... i started to walk a little fatser and then she started running with tears in her eyes as she started calling out her name and speaking my baby where is my baby... as i looked her i got more worried she was preganant and running like that cud be really ahrmful... so i asked her to stop and wait ill go around and see... i recited praying in mye heart... telling god this cant happen we cant lose her... with bad thoughts coming wat if someone took her, she is sucha lovely kid, wat if someone took her off... thinking if she wud realise she cant see her mom, she wud gets so scared and all those thoughts made me cry... is tarted hysterically askinga ll the passer bys if they had seen a 2 yr old wearing a red shirt and blue pants... black curly hair... they said... no ... i kept running now... and then i went to the inf desk ... pleading to the two officers sitting there telling them abt it.. and asking them to help... when they got into a little relaxing attitude i started screaming at them... and left in anger running wildly trying to locate her... along with her mom... who and then i returned and went on one corridor... and as i kept on all the emotions and thoughts played havoc... but i knew i had to find her... there was no way... i cud not find her... i saw her in my head imagined her looking up trying to find her mom... scared and i started crying... and then i crossed then outside one of the shop i saw her... and she saw me and she came running to me and hugged me with all her might... and i felt like i got my life back...:) never to let her out of my sight again....

my little baby...:( it scared the hell out of me and her mom...:( and the daddy when he heard abt it...


Sad... You might cry...

Friday, March 11, 2011


I wish for u a cottage in the valley...
where flowers are as far as u see
when u wake up in the morning
the lovely breeze greets u...

I wish for u a life which is trouble free and calm
full of laughters cheers and happy songs...
full of youth and smiles of us all
kind words, and teases which never leave u

I wish for u treasures of the world
those that u give away as u made our life easy
angels from heaven to air u...like u did when lights went off and u did throughout the night:(

How can i forget... those morsels u snatched from ur mouth to feed us four:)
those errands u ran holding us in ur arms
those doctors, those schools, those walking for hours
those crying on street when one of us was amiss

Mom i wish for u all the things u left behind
all the dreams u let go
all the smiles u traded for the pain we gave
all the love we denied in anger and vain

Mom i have been selfish
Mom i have been harsh
mom i have been stupid
mom i have been unheeding

of ur pain of ur needs of ur hopes of ur dreams
of ur wishes of ur cravings, of ur pain, of ur fears

All i can now desire for u is the world...
i wish i cud give u myself and give all of me
but i dont know if i will ever do that
and whether i will ever feel happy

Mom i am sorry for being such a bad daughter
i cudnt give u any peace... nor happiness
i thought it was ok to live as i desire
but today i feel if i hurt u... then nothing is worthwhile

I worry to leave u... i know u will be broken
i feel its ok if i never have to
cuz if i give a smile and company...
then nothing is more imp to acheive in this world

i love u mom...and i wish i never grow up and be a person who can do without you... ever

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Imam Husain --- meney maang liya aapse:)

i prayed for you today:) unsuredly as if not knowing was it right... though with imam husain to hear me out... i know nothing can go wrong:) so i know... its already mine.:) when he is there wats the worry:) no pain is grander then his... no test, than his, not love than his, not prayers than his, not tears than his, no faithfullness then his, no innocence then his no strength than his... no lessons than his, no life than his, no death than his, no family than his, no credibility than his, no reliance than his, no truth than his, no smile than his, no warmth than his, no shadow than his... no blessing than his...no promise then his, no promise keeping than his...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Tribute to Cricket Lovers - Video from Pakistan Lahore

Nothing can keep my heart for long but you

Since i was a child i always felt out of place almost every where...there was an urge to withdraw myself back to my own sphere back... and though at times i feared this tendency of mine, now i have accepted and start respecting this as a very integral quality of me, and my need to feel at home with someone and find a home is eternal...:)

When i was growing up, doing errands reluctantly sometimes... i felt a voice in my head telling me... soon you shall be in your own home. yes a home of my own... and not my moms... i was 15 may be... but then another voice wud make me feel guilty for not feeling at home and involved in the place i was, my parrents... but the need to be in my home still haunted and tempted me, a husband to love me and a friend to understand and talk to me things my parrents , brothers and sisters cudnt.

so my first crush... but it wasnt emant to be my home... and one day when i did get the guts to talk with him i realised he didnt feel like home too... i was not at home .... i felt disappointed... how cud i not feel home with him...and yet i knew he wansnt the one... and then i found someone again... someone more sweeter, more close... and though i loved being around him... i still cudnt really feel at home...nor invited...

and then i finally was after a conversation totally sure he wasnt my home either...

then i luckily one day got a ph call from you... and as i talked and listend i felt something stir in me... and i felt a need to know u better to get more close... and then we came really close so close that we hugged and kissed and cuddled... and guess wat...as u hugged me... i felt i was at home... my home... i cudnt me more happier... but even u still didnt invite me to your own home... u did allow me in ur heart... but still not in your life... and i didnt mind cuz wat i really wanted was to be home... and i realised ur heart was my home...as i felt filled up with u... i knew you were my home... now i am torn once again from you... though i know i am there to stay in ur heart for ever...i cant stop wondering wat if even being with you i still dont feel at home.. though i know as long as i am in ur heart and u in mine... i am home... i still dont know if thats wat my real home is and then i see a lot of couples busy in life having everything they wanted , yet one day sitting alone i spot them thinking as if they are still searching ... for wat... a home... a place where their heart is and will stay forever... and then i realise... wat that real home is... its in the rememberance of you my lord... its in remeberence of u... a place where i take refuge when i feel lost, unsure... incomplete, scared, hurt... and even wasted... i rememeber u and in an isntant i feel home... and so i know... no matter how many refuges we find in this world... our heart still will get wearied after a while and will want to be home... and thats what your embrace is...

God you are my home... to return to you is where i will finally be home... no matter how many homes i change... how many hearts i live... yours is the one i will surely want to be back... and so i shall be homeless until i die..:)

but other then that eternal home, wat i really miss is a home which is in my beloveds arms... so let me have that home now... as i feel i need a refuge once again..:)

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Live Life through this... and you shall never leave with a regret

Chalti Chakki Dekh Kar, Diya Kabira Roye
Dui Paatan Ke Beech Mein,Sabit Bacha Na
[Looking at the grinding stones, Kabir laments
In the duel of wheels, nothing stays intact.]
Bura Jo Dekhan Main Chala, Bura Naa Milya Koye
Jo Munn Khoja Apnaa, To Mujhse Bura Naa Koye
[I searched for the crooked man, met not a single one
Then searched myself, "I" found the crooked one]
Kaal Kare So Aaj Kar, Aaj Kare So Ub
Pal Mein Pralaya Hoyegi, Bahuri Karoge Kub
[Tomorrow's work do today, today's work now
if the moment is lost, the work be done how]
Aisee Vani Boliye, Mun Ka Aapa Khoye
Apna Tan Sheetal Kare, Auran Ko Sukh Hoye
[Speak such words, sans ego's ploy
Body remains composed, giving the listener joy]
Dheere Dheere Re Mana, Dheere Sub Kutch Hoye
Mali Seenche So Ghara, Ritu Aaye Phal Hoye
[Slowly slowly O mind, everything in own pace happens
The gardiner may water with a hundred buckets, fruit arrives only in its season]
Sayeen Itna Deejiye, Ja Mein Kutumb Samaye
Main Bhi Bhookha Na Rahun, Sadhu Na Bhookha Jaye
[Give so much, O God, suffice to envelop my clan
I should not suffer cravings, nor the visitor go unfed]
Bada Hua To Kya Hua, Jaise Ped Khajoor
Panthi Ko Chaya Nahin, Phal Laage Atidoor
[In vain is the eminence, just like a date tree
No shade for travelers, fruit is hard to reach]
Jaise Til Mein Tel Hai, Jyon Chakmak Mein Aag
Tera Sayeen Tujh Mein Hai, Tu Jaag Sake To Jaag
[Just as seed contains the oil, fire's in flint stone
Your temple seats the Divine, realize if you can]
Kabira Khara Bazaar Mein, Mange Sabki Khair
Na Kahu Se Dosti, Na Kahu Se Bair
[Kabira in the market place, wishes welfare of all
Neither friendship nor enmity with anyone at all]
Pothi Padh Padh Kar Jag Mua, Pandit Bhayo Na Koye
Dhai Aakhar Prem Ke, Jo Padhe so Pandit Hoye
[Reading books where everyone died, none became anymore wise
One who reads the word of Love, only becomes wise]
Dukh Mein Simran Sab Kare, Sukh Mein Kare Na Koye
Jo Sukh Mein Simran Kare, Tau Dukh Kahe Ko Hoye
[In anguish everyone prays to Him, in joy does none
To One who prays in happiness, how sorrow can come]

Ghani Khan Pushto Poet

Was missing you yesterday night and today... Gladly i got things done... yet i wanted to run away to my own heaven. I love my folks... but i cant be around them all the time.

I wonder if this need for privacy will leave me once i get married. and then i hope i will be more involved with wat family is concerned abt.

Lubaina is here... and she is understanding... or atleast she knows wat to expoect from me.... and when u are family u have no choice but to bear each other...and know wats to be expected and still find that love to always be there... i like to talk i love company... but i feel overwhelmed when shopping is being discussed. With me off work, and in no real need to resume it... my apetite to buy things has gone down...

Dont get me wrong i love stufff.. from beautiful dresses to accessroies, to shoes, to eating out at nice places...to decorting homes and buying stuff which ease ur pain and make u feel blessed... i love them... but i am bad with money and i am bad with pressured buying. I am impulsive buyer and my sensibility leaves me when i go to get soemthing... either i become too sensible to not spend a penny or to kiddish to think like money grows on trees... i know nothing of wat is called calculated buying...

No matter how many budgets i make as to how i will invest my income... i end up either saving most... or spending without even feeling if the money did me good... as i hardly remember the taste and feel of wat i just did with that much money...

so i dont know but when it comes to going shopping the only thing i feel i am capable of is for someone else to take me to places... i pick the dresses and someone else to pay the price... and if thats not possible let me stay at home... and blog or listen to my videos. watch movies, think and dream and do wat ever creative and fun i can do with the least amnt of money i have... with no hassle or tantrums from anyone...

I wonder if i will ever get my mind clear abt wat money is , why its imp... how i need to use it... and what the perfect amount like... for a comfortable life... and whicg will not give me a feeling... i am misusing it. I like places that give me fun without asking for a lot...

so most of my pleasures are money less... those with money they give me a place to impress and show off... and yes it does give me a good feeling and confidence and esteem, but true happiness nah... that comes from... very cute stuff which mostly dont need money...:) My crazy imagination, my dreams... my thoughts and so many of the othger ppl thought which i come across... the conversations which lukcily i have... and those musle moving... whether i dance sing, or do anything creative...

before i talk more stupid... let me end it here...

i know this blog is clueless of wat it wants to acheive... but i know this was a day which i am not very fond of... reason... i had to go out... and be away from PC for half of the day... and now i am totally mad.. and irritated...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Who says you are not mine:)

From the first hand shake to the last hug we had... i knew u were mine... and you will always be mine:) Love u loads:) and hate u the most

Some faces You cant get over:)

Love Love Love:(

My family... My PPL dont ever let me go...:)

I said, Life is hectic
He asked, is it?

I said, I have no time
He asked, Not even for me?

I said, I have to study
He asked, Cant you come and meet me once?

I said, I really find it hard but I'll try
He asked, How come you have no time for me?

I said, Life has changed.
He asked, Have you stopped loving me?

I said, No No Not that way
He asked, Then why don't you come to meet me?

I said, Okay I'll come.
He asked, What took you so long?

I said, My Work
He asked, Will you play with me?

I said, Yes I'll but tomorrow
He asked, Sure no?

I asked, Where are you?
He said, I'm gone. you are late sis, but I'll be with you.... today tomorrow and forever.

PS: Always give the highest priority to your family and ones who love you. You may never get a chance to even bid a Bye.
PSS: Will always love you bro!

excerpts from someones post
I am glad i have my family with me...sahi salamat:)

My dear Family, dont forgive me if i dont be there when u need me the most...:( i wud wnat to be with u eternally:) love u my sweet folks... dont ever stop to pester me, annoy me, hurt me, kid me, stop me, hold me, scold me, even hit me... in short dont ever let go of me and dont ever give up on me...:) even though i say i can do without u... i know i wont be able to... ik din to boht hai... ik pal bhi nahi...:) jehan aap wehan main...:) bus thori independance once in a while... thora solitude one in a while... thori privacy once in a while... thori man maani once in a while , thora anger once in a while, and then i need u back...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A Letter i never posted to you:( its too personal...ad he wud kill me, but well those are my feelings..

feel a sinking feeling as i find my love for u... not needed...
u seem to be lost in soemone elses thoughts unheeded

i feel an emptiness inside me when i see ur eyes filled with dreams of her
while i see my heart beats written ur name on them

how do i survive the thought that u arent mine
when i beloeng to noone but u

i will not let myself love another dont force me please
i wud rather stay loving u in ur memories and feelings

but my dreams are bleeded by the pictures of the two of u making it
while i sigh hoping u wud look at my side and acknowledge me... for being there always

waiting to take u in my arms when she leaves u... in anger or hate or distrust...
but i neither can hate u nor can be angry with u nor distrust u....

cuz i love u... more then i love a thing... else

i need to touch the warmth of u... the heat of u the passion of u the lips and to be given a life back...

u stole my heart my soul my dreams... now i am left with nothing but a hope to be with u someday to have to never let u go .

but if ur eyes keep searching her... how my heart will bear that pain...
how cud u not be with me when all i have is u...

so please never come back if i am not what u want...

please never call me or speak to me with those tender words... that make my world go round and my heart skip beats...

dont hug me dont kiss me dont seduce me for i live on those things and feel my self going weak...

pls dont... if u cant with all ur heart... pls dont....

pls dont give me a moment if thats not what u wud want to spend with me...

pls dont give me that smile which u never intented for me

pls dont give me that hope which u never want me to hold on to

pls dont give me that love which u never held for me

u kill me with ur coldness and distant...

u kill me with ur hurt and pain as u crave to be with her

u kill me with that loveless eyes and feelingless expressions and gestures

u kill me with that coolness and aloofness

u kill me when u say i leave u and marry someone esle
u kill me when u say its ur life and i am no part of it

u kill me when u ask me to keep out of ppl who u are connected with

and u leave my world so empty after coming for a while filling it up every nook and corner and then leaving one day cuz u never meant to stay...

and making me bleed for ever...

and i had to make a happy face to keep u from seeing the pain i go through...juts cuz she was there before me...

Why I am here? trying to understand wat i already know in bits and pieces

While making rotis... today a thought made me smile...:)

" May be god must have got angry , cuz i was watching Tv when he called me and i said no i cant come this is so interesting .,..and he asked me again... and then i said wait god i cant come... and he asked me angrily to come and i said... do wat ever u wnat i am not coming... and then he did wat he cud do...

He asked me to leave heaven immediately... and i wud say but God ... and he wud say... u told me to do wat i can i am doing... i am expelling u out of my house... But god... i was busy watching... i wud have answered u juts after it wud have finished... and god said... and wat if it continued forever... u wud not listen to me forever...

i thought for a sec and ... before i cud plead he said... now go... and i started crying... and i said i promise iu wud listen to you... pls dont make me leave this heaven... and you... god please... and then he wud have after seeing me so guilty and truly said on leaving him...

Ok u will have to leave thats decided... but i promise if u will behave urself down there... i will take u up in my arms again...

and i thanked him so much... i promise you god... thank you so much for this cance... and mind u this is last chance... if u tookl it for granted u will never be allowed to enter... and i must have gladly said yes promise... as i was so happy to get one mroe chance... but in my happiness and little thought i didnt know wat i will be facing... and wat kind of ordeal i will be asked to face... and how i will be tempted to do wat god wud be angry at...

And u know wat happened then i was born in this wonderful world... and all was going great until i was asked to enter school... i went in but i faced the first hardship... and i cried the first time... hating my life... then i faced the second challenge... Muharram... and i got my first depression attack... and i wanted to end my life... (which was equivalent to asking god to take m,e back... before i had paid the price of not listening to him, and then but before i cud do something drastic... i was remineded god will not take u back if u do cheating... which is end the sentence before it was time... and so i struggled with the first time ... and wow... after five tough years which seemed endless.. i was again loving my life... like it never happened... and as i started to love life i amost forgot wat i ahd come in this life for...to return to my heaven....:) but thank god... the bad times wud always come and i wud cry my ehart out to god to take me back... and then i got strong... cuz i met my maula... and he introduced me to Imam husain... and with thsoe two wonderful ppl... my trials got less... as evertime i faced a trouble rather then crying to god to take me back end my lfie or heed other weak souls... is trenegthened myself... telling all my problems to them and waiting on them to coem fdor rescue and as promised they wud come to my aid... sometimes soon sometimes late... but they did...a nd then i got used to the phrase called patience... i was then able to step and deny a short fix which was more like a stupid idea and short term , weak solution... and i started to rely heavily on long term fixes which were dependable... and wudnt need changing every now and then...

I am still not sure when this term here will end... but with these excetional lessos learned and tools available... i have nothing to worry abt... and i cant thank god for giving me thsoe cusions... to keep myself warm in cold, protected in hazardous times, strong in difficult times, happy and contented in not so great times... and excited and in love with life in the best most beautiful times... which are so much mroe in comparision to the rest... i am meeting other souls like me... and as i meet them i find a kind of a courage to keep going... and dont mind if meeting god is extended... how else will i ensure... dont miss the good parts of this world...

Hope we meet soon... God... and i learn my lessons so i never forget them again... even if the whole world and that damn satan tempts me with any of his gadgets...:)

So i feel its the same with you... i know if ull come to me cuz u are just to fed up with life and lost... and usnure and want to end it sooner then it shud... u will be still not ready for the forgiveness u deserve... but when ull come after the true penance paid for ur mistakes... and u hurting me and leaving... in such a bad time... may be i will be mroe then happy to receive u and cud ensure... we never be apart again and u never have to leave the peaceful side of me... or me of u...:)

Hope we meet soon... my love... and u learn ur lessons so u never forget them again... even if the whole world tempts you.

How People forget

She is someone who never liked me. and i didnt mind:) cuz i didnt much either... and then she one day asked me a favor... she asked for money 5000 i thought i read ... and i said sure and then she asked if i cud transfer and i said i cant but u can pic from home. and she agreed. and she came...but it turned out she asked for 50, 000 not 5, 000 and i was at a fix... i didnt know if i cud arrange that money or even my parrents wud agree me to give... as for trusting ehr with money , i cud... as even if she didnt like me much i dont think she wud never return it. i felt bad... abt ehr coming all the way and i telling ehr no... even though i swear i read it 5000 else i wud have not even agreed... but she was there...a nd she needed that money badly.. it was her passport to get her dream met... she was applying for uni and wanting that money. i cud deny her... but realising... its never nice to turn down someone who u cud help... and so i fought with my parrents gave them the trust that she will return the money and ill make sure she does... though i knew deep down i am not going to run around for it... i beleiev she is good enuf to realise she owes it back and gives as soon as she gets the thing done... she needed them to get her bank statement ready as an earnest money. Dont think i am too generous cuz i am not especially with no job and the mon ey saved my only way to support my days and dreams... i cudnt part with money...

and so i with a prayer that allah help her get her dream with the money so i feel my money came to use i gave it to her...

and luckily she got it... she got it all ... but i didnt hear abt her returrning my money... so i reminded her as i needed that money...

so i told her its ok i can collect it from her place if she can arrange she said fine... u can come on sat.

but then i cudnt and so i asked her is it possible for her to send it to me... in cash ... to which she said...

oh...but i will have to come all the way especially to give it to you ... to which i angrily replied... u came all the way to especially take it from me remember so why is it such a hard thing to do to come and deliver it personally... You think u dont have time to return while u had all the time to ask and take...good going

i am never this straight forward with ppl... i feel people ca realise on their own what their responsibility is... and though its ok to not return a 100 rs. not... 45000 Rs is not small amount...and although i dont really care much abt money... and know god has given them to me so its no big deal if i pass it around... i do need ppl to remember their duties with other ppl's money...

i dont know was it bad of me to keep my heart in that money... but its just that i know my parrents saved penny to raise us... for her losing 500 rs meant something.. there was a time when she wud spent hours on hemming a lace , for which she lost her eyesight and got glasses and got rs. 2 in return... i know very naive of her... but i dont know how she must ahve felt at that time to do such a thing... but thats how bad it had been for her... and all i had to do is throw money... i know its not a big amount for a lot of ppl... but for my mom... they mean a lot... and she wants me to know how she had struggled with money all her life... how she had never spent a penny on her... and this girl... she has been such a lavish money thrower... that i dont want her to take my money for granted...its when i think twice to spend a 100 rs on something, she doenst think on 1000 rs.. where my mom wud have thot on 10 rs.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

sweet video to remind me...how lovely a mariage is.

If not you then salman khan... :) although i know i cant, but i feel i care for him... or do i... cant say... unless it happens in real...

anyone else... i was thinking and from i dunno where hasan got into my mind.. my brothers friend... probably four years younger. a sweet kid, atleast as long as i had no intention for marrying him.

why him u may ask? cuz i feel he is sick... his two kidneys are failed... and no i am not really sorry for him.... never but i do know ppl are so stupid that they will not agree to marry him cuz he is sick... its ok if ur husband dies after ur amrried but marryinga sick man is folly in our society... so i really think low of people with that mentality. for me i know god has written his life... and he may end up living more and with much mroe health then me... so i am not sorry . but wat i feel makes me comfortable is the fact that he will more wise and close to the reality of this life and himself then so many of the others wud be... and i know for sure he is the sweetes guy i will ever see.. so yes... he is a thrid choice... but even talking loud abt this thought alone will make my family want me to see a doctor...:( they so dont undertsand... and i think its cuz they dont have the same faith as i have in god and in what he approves and what he is capable of doing.

ofcourse i know i am thinking its not that i am decided... but i know for sure if he will agree i will try to stick to my word for life...but i wonder if that is soemthing i shud go for... with you gone... i need to find myself a better person... better then u... cuz i deserve it,.. dont i?

Dont Why Marriage

Marry for the pleasure like no other, blessing like no other, and love like no other...:)

who to marry?

Watching may parrents, and their arguments... over the time and their not seeing each other in eye... i started to fear marriage from a very early age. Also with my not so happy childhood, my inability to mix with ppl and enjoy myself and express myself... made me fear intamacy with others to considerable level... Every time i opened my mouth i was either asked to shut up, was ignored or neglected. and i realised there was no point saying, or i had to think so much before speaking for the fear of being laughed at or not understood, i was always queit, but my inability to enjoy others and thier viewpoints made me feel i wasnt made for social life. and my only favorite passtime and time of happiness was when i was left to myself, to enjoy my peaceful yet contradicting thoughts where i was never shunned.

I started writing from a very early age. But i kept my toughts too myself for the fear of being called bad or feel ashamed or embarassed.

But i was lucky to fell in love three times. one for eight years secretly admiring a person... who i later found out was ina relationship and not my type... i know for eight years... u cudnt say iuf he was... actually i cared for him... but we were not compatible and he had no interest in me... nor i in what he had to say or like...

later i liked another person and i loved once more hoping he may feel the same way... but to no avail.

this third time was more dramatic... and i am not sure if we will be together which i doubt now... but the fact that i doubt ever falling in love again with anyone else even more i feel i need to keep hope we will get together somehow... and i do feel i want to be there for him...if that makes sense...

but he was the only person i tried being myself to and enjoy. But i do feel he still thinks he can get someone better... and though he may... he doesnt realise he will still not get it a perfect marriage and sacrificing is part of marriage... unless u simply choose not to see it that way...

I never wanted to why marriage, though i hated arranged marriage, marriage with someone u dont seem to love a lot but u give in juts cuz u r too afraid of staying single and regretting it later... and then u live ur life trying to mould that person into someone u can like... and luckiily u get kids and absorb urself in them so u dont feel as bad as u otherwise felt... and no matter how my mom regrets the part where she shared her displeasure with me... i know she cant take that back... and she cant convince me that wasnt how it was. and i hate to follow the same by marrying someone i dont love with all my heart and soul, something i thought wudnt be such a difficult thing... but something which i feel has taken more time then it should. I am 32 and though i feel i can wait longer i am just wondering... if this really will happen:) God please make it happen for me... let me be ready and prepared...

Am I real or they are?

baby you the whole package plus you pay your taxes
and you keep it real while them other stay plastic4

i always thought i was genuine...but i am not... and its scary...when u know u are living a lie... its scary... cuz u are too scared to change and you are to worried for the consequences.

Suddenly i feel i am not being healthy and sensible and good. As a kid i was too sensible for my age. or may be just scared and too caught up in my own thoughts and self.

Too caught up in myself. thats new i never thought like that... though when i meet someone out there too caught up in himself i feel not so good around them... while i tend to be the same...

its a vicious cycle... and more thoughts will not get me out of it. action is wat i need. but if getting a job and marriage should do it.

I am twisted. i know i am...how can i change that... i want to try acting a role for three years...and if i wont commit to it for life i know i wont take it seriously or will always find the negativities of it to speak large abt how unnecessary it is.

I am so tired speaking to myself, having no one to take this up and guide me through the way.

if there was one person i could rely with myself... i swear i wud give it all up and listen to him.

Today in masjid i heard Janab telling us, we are on a journey as soon as we are born we are moving towards our death bed. from where we will be starting our etenral journey and this world we need to gte the material we need for the next life. the good deeds and intentions.

I truly beleive it and want it to guide me. But with it also comes my need to experience life and world, and take as much of it to enjoy this journey, to gain enought postivity and health and beauty to help me take the tyough things and energy and courage to bear the hard times.

What are the hard times? Living without money, living without family and friends, living without love, living without necessities, or living without someone to take u to dance?

Its hard to know wat hard time is ... the lack of necessities, or the lac of luxuries:) for me i love luxuries and may be they guide me, but i am more concerned abt getting my necessities met and i am content. and if every one around me can be content too it cud be better. But i ahve dreams and they compel me sometimes...to move beyond the circle i am in.

I dont know where it strike me, but i felt like having a talk with my brothers abt, contributing a percentage of their income for parrents. and send them so .. they need not worry abt asking them. Mom doesnt like asking them for money.

I do understand i ned to either feed myself or find a man who can do that. but i dont want to find a person juts to feed me. if that was the only thing. i can earn to feed myself. then do... u must think. cuz my parrents are taking care of me. and when it will be finalised that i am not their responsibility , i will be doing it, and may be then i will be able to take it up, as a survival strategy.

You R So BeaUtiFul:)

i dont know but every time i see a pretty lady... i find this song coming into my memory...i wish someone wud truly want to say that t me...:) just a wish

not juts for the sake of it... but truly looking deep in my eyes... and saying it with his heart:) looking deeply and wanting to hold me to him forever..:)

oh i wish it so much:)

Take my hand... we will make it i swear:) over my life...

When will we unite as a nation?

15 days...wow egypt mein hosekta hai... to pakistan mein kyun nahi? no, why, cuz we are not all pakistanis... we are either muhajirs, we are pro musharraf, we are pro zerdaris, we are pro imran, or we are sindhis, we are balochis, and if not that then we are shias, we are sunnis, we are bohris,... we fight in groups... we are divided as nation we are not united on anything. not even in the name of GOD. and secondly we dont care.