Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Am I real or they are?

baby you the whole package plus you pay your taxes
and you keep it real while them other stay plastic4

i always thought i was genuine...but i am not... and its scary...when u know u are living a lie... its scary... cuz u are too scared to change and you are to worried for the consequences.

Suddenly i feel i am not being healthy and sensible and good. As a kid i was too sensible for my age. or may be just scared and too caught up in my own thoughts and self.

Too caught up in myself. thats new i never thought like that... though when i meet someone out there too caught up in himself i feel not so good around them... while i tend to be the same...

its a vicious cycle... and more thoughts will not get me out of it. action is wat i need. but if getting a job and marriage should do it.

I am twisted. i know i am...how can i change that... i want to try acting a role for three years...and if i wont commit to it for life i know i wont take it seriously or will always find the negativities of it to speak large abt how unnecessary it is.

I am so tired speaking to myself, having no one to take this up and guide me through the way.

if there was one person i could rely with myself... i swear i wud give it all up and listen to him.

Today in masjid i heard Janab telling us, we are on a journey as soon as we are born we are moving towards our death bed. from where we will be starting our etenral journey and this world we need to gte the material we need for the next life. the good deeds and intentions.

I truly beleive it and want it to guide me. But with it also comes my need to experience life and world, and take as much of it to enjoy this journey, to gain enought postivity and health and beauty to help me take the tyough things and energy and courage to bear the hard times.

What are the hard times? Living without money, living without family and friends, living without love, living without necessities, or living without someone to take u to dance?

Its hard to know wat hard time is ... the lack of necessities, or the lac of luxuries:) for me i love luxuries and may be they guide me, but i am more concerned abt getting my necessities met and i am content. and if every one around me can be content too it cud be better. But i ahve dreams and they compel me sometimes...to move beyond the circle i am in.

I dont know where it strike me, but i felt like having a talk with my brothers abt, contributing a percentage of their income for parrents. and send them so .. they need not worry abt asking them. Mom doesnt like asking them for money.

I do understand i ned to either feed myself or find a man who can do that. but i dont want to find a person juts to feed me. if that was the only thing. i can earn to feed myself. then do... u must think. cuz my parrents are taking care of me. and when it will be finalised that i am not their responsibility , i will be doing it, and may be then i will be able to take it up, as a survival strategy.

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