Monday, February 28, 2011

What a sweet face... you can keep watching it forever:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tuWQgq5pUI&feature=related

Dunya ki aisi ki taisi... nahi? bilkul aisay waisey:) maar goli jee lay apni zindagi bindaas



Superb Song:) Guys i am with u...

But i have one thing which makes me... free... and a little out of ur league... reason... this world was meant to be a prison... not a place to find eternal peace... so... take wat u can and leave for the next world... the eternal one...:) until then yeh to chalta rehey ga:)

Need to leave now!

I am in fix...i love you too much to hurt you...but i must leave and start a life... somewhere else... walk the path i am destined to walk...:) a journey i long awaited all my life...i know ull miss me terribly but i must leave now...i need to make a life too like u did... but i hurt too for ur pain and loss...having me around is such a treat... but my life is calling me.. and i cant stay around anymore...but illl always be in touch... and ill visit as often as i can...will that be ok! can i say dont miss me much...find joy somewhere else mom... i am so sorry for leaving u:( i wudnt if i didnt need to...and i need to now...i need it like life...i wish i was a man...who cud take u along... keep u close... but i am a woman... and i have to make someplace else my home...my home... is where my heart is... and it left with him... he took it with him... and i cudnt stop and do anything... i went after him like a child goes after his mom... and now he is my home the only home i can call my own:)

Every one tells me you will be fine without me... Every mother deals with it and every mother is ready for it... but i never felt u were ready... may be if i had left early before i had opened up to u and made u listen to all my stories and have a say in almost every part of ur life... and strengthened this bond to sucha level it wud have been easy but now... i am scared to leave u... especially when i feel u cudnt do without me for even a week... going for good can take so much time... Oh God juts when i feel u need us the most... i have to go... pls go to either Alis, or Tahirs, the kids will take my place... and give u a reason to look forward every day...

and please try to develop the same bond we had with bhabi... she is a daughter too... better then me... i only made u do every thing... they will need help and will be helping too..:) the love u juts like i wud... and they wont yell at you sometimes or lecture you like i used to... they wont even ask u to do wat u are not good at... mom... i am hoping to make his home full of life... full of love and full of joys... i am alreayd in love with his parrents... i feel they need me more then u do... well i can be wrong... but with their daughters gone... i can try to be their fdaughter... and will make sure... they always have a smile when they sleep in the night..:) ill take away all their cares...and give them grand children too... who will call then dada and dadi..:) and i alreayd feel at home...

He needs love... and he is an angry yound man... but i know with a loving touch his anger will vanish away... besides who can stay angry and mad with me... its impossible...

Hugs - Dont underestimate the power of a Hug

whenever in doubt hug the one closest to you... when ever in fear hug the one closest to you... and the devil will be gone like it never was there:) we need to hug each other more often.... its such a wonder drug for almost any ailment:) to those brothers/ hubbies... who have a problem hugging their sis/wives in public... hug when no ones watching:P but pls hug and as often as u can...costs nothing and feels like a rare diamond:) and ti melts away differences in no time...:)

your hug was the only best thing abt u...:) and thats i beleive the only thing which i will forgive u for... juts to have one more of those passionate hugs... u offered... when ever i needed u...:) i love u for them... my sweet love...my doubting love...my crazy love... my angry love... my scared love...:)get well soon:) and come back to me... for i need no one but u in my life...

Shitt i need to get married...:) shitt i want it so bad... to get my life in one place...

But my reactions as i look on the guys i can think to be my potential mates... other than u... i feel i kind of a stoppage... which wud not let me move... unless i am asked to close my eyes and let them have me...

so why do i freak out? what is my problem? i thought i was waiting for you... but now you are gone... sort of? and though i thought i will never want to be with anyone else...i still want all those good things happening to me...and i am going to let my guard and fears not rule me... but my displeasure is the worst to handle and get out of my way to try something like a marriage...

With you my fear and incapabilities stood out like red signals... with others my displeasure and disgust stops me from giving them a thought... let alone deciding them as my partner for life...

i dont know how will u marry? and what was in me that stopped u in your tracks from marrying me...i am sure it was something to do with my kiddish attitude and my not so giving in or may be ur own insecurities... which i never gave much thought too... i felt its going to get fine...

i am so lost with myself now... yes i was worried abt getting married... cuz i ddnt like the guys... those i liked i never cud get ... i dont know how this will end... wat i need to do to like a man, one man... so much better that i never doubt or run away again... and i get kids and dont fear i wont do

went on one of the portals.... spotted some sweet faces... but i am one... and i need but one.. tum apnay thay... i thot... now u r not...thanx so much...

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The most important person in my life...My Aqa My Maula



I still remember my first Qadam bosi when i was 16... scared as i didnt knew wat to expect or do... and as i fell on his feet kissing his feets... so soft and tender... tears started falling and i said with crying eyes maula shifa aapo... and i cried heartily at his feet looking up at him and he gave me such a tender smile as telling me... its ok... u are good... u r perfect and u need not worry abt a thing... and i felt so much at peace watching his smile...thinking i am good... i am ok... and my bad thoughts mean nothing...:)

and from that day onward... i asked him to come for my rescue... to get me out of my worst of my depressions... to answer me to sooth me... and he wud ... come and rescue me and became my angel... he is my angel... and today he is 100 years old... almost... and i know for once... i need him so much in my life... and i dont want him to die... cuz i cant let him go. He is the only person who has the answers to my questions all of them... and i need him so much i need him more then life... i love him and i wish him to live forever... and ever ...

and if i die... i want him to be by my side telling me child its ok... i am alwayys going to be here with u and u need not worry abt a thing...because he is the only face i trust...totaly completely with eyes closed.:)

My country My Pride

Imran Khan



Ustaad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan



Rahat Fateh Ali Khan



Aatif Aslam





Adnan Sami Khan



Mustafa Zahid



this songs bring ur memories back... so i know i need to never listen to this..:)

Madam Noorjehan


Amanat Ali
&
Sanam Marvi




Bushra ansari


Umer Sharif

Nazia and Zohaib Hasan



Junaid Jamshed



Mekaal Hasan Band



and the young blood has so much more to offer...

Distrust -

i am angry at drama man... he makes me angry with his stuoid remarks and totally selfish approach... though i wudnt ahve cared much if he had been a little soft cuz wat he wants is wat i will never give him... and yet he thinks he can get it somehow and that makes me even more angry...

i dont know if ignoring him is equivalent to breaking ties... and ditching... but if it is then may be i need to leave him out until he wins the trust back or my favors...

i dont sort of leave out giving him credit for he being there... and listening to me and making me think of him like a good friend, but with his changing attitude and intentions over the time... i cudnt keep myself to feel comfortable around him... i am interesting exciting... a subject for him... but i never intend to be around ppl who think of me like that... someone whose mind they can benefit from... or control... he knows he can never control me... never... but his trying his dirty tricks... i feel like cursing him... but i know showing anger will only make my weaker side show and him to be mroe powerful which i dont wnat... i want him to surrender his tricks and leave me alone... forever... if he doesnt learn how to be around me and how to make me feel comfortable around him once again...

anger manegement video.. hoping to learn to control my anger



the example he gave makes sense... but if someone else had slightly bumped in me... my reaction wud be of immediate anger... conditioned by the thought that some men try to touch u... and get the fun out of it... and the anger is on them for doping that to youi...

how ever if iu wud have seen a genuine person who wud say sorry my nager wud vanish... and if on the other hand... the man was a sleezy one who i cud think cud have the motive to touch me intentionally... i wud stare angrluiy at him and then tell him to back off... and then make sure... he didnt do it again...

now i dont think or seem to feel i can let him get away with it... unless i am scared or weak...

but the part that we are walking on glasses sometimes... is true too... we dont want anything which we cant handle and if we will be given that... with a certain mind set occupying us anger is the sure result.

i have an anger problem...its in me cuz of the anger i had been getting all my life... and not realisin g how integral it had become... the only thing i feel to control it is to keep listening to songs, dance and keep away from real conversations... cuz they are bound to hit my button... and i am sick of screaming and being mad... around ppl...who find me something to iritate even the kids...

at times in my anger it almost looks if i love them or not... at times its hard for me to feel love too... anger is surely a bad thing...

if it can make u doubt u love those you are nagry at... then surely its hell of a bad thing... and a killer of love...

hmmm... wlll that help me control it next time... with ppl i surely care for... yes... but then their reactions always make it easy for me to take them granted...

i guess... i never care who leaves me...when i have most ppl stick to me for life...

at times i feel i wont care much if they leave me too... as i know they love me... and i love them too... but when they make me angry... i feel its better we see less of each other so we can find nothing to be angry at...:) bad strategy for solving anger... escapism... is always easy...

Anger fits

I wonder why i cant stop and watch my harsh tone when talking to mom teaching her soemthing

I am sorry for talking angily to my mom... forgive me god as i know u might be angry with me... she is hurt and she forgives instantly... yet i need to stop doing that... i wodner wat happens to me and why i cant stop, even the fact that she tolds me to talk nicely, i still cant calm down... even the fact that i wud have not liked if she wud have talked to me like that when she wanted me to learn soemthing....

i then remember how often i do the same thing which i told the other not to...

though i am able to correct others, i always need someone else to correct me...someone who will correct me then and there and make sure i dont do it again...not even in my wildest dream....

we need forgiveness.. but it should come with our willingness to learn and be better then before and stop doing wats wrong...

controling your anger surely is the biggest most toughest challenge i have ever faced and i am still doing bad.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Tanha hoon main

tanha hoon main aaj kyun

i never thought lonleiness was wat i wanted a companion for... i never have been lonely nor beleive i ever will be... i wanted to wait for him... the one who would come and make me his...give me a home i could call my own... when u came... i felt i found a home, but someone else was already living in it.. and even though u said u were lonely and needed someone... i cud feel i cud never be the one... as u never invited me...specifically... and then i thought i wasnt meant for it... still i cud never feel the loneliness... not even when u left me for her... i felt an emptiness... with u gone... but i still was not lonely... as i knew so much of me was going to stay with me... neither u cud know nor u cid feel or beleive the way i do... and then even around u i cud feel lonely, so i didnt feel u were wat i needed... though at times when u came to me witha heavy heart and asked me to hug u i felt may be we were meant to... that may be we could make it togetehr... but then ur running away on the name of commitment... made me think if we cvould ever be one soul two bodies... like its supposed to be... now you have left me once again... this time when i was abt to die with pain...i was ditched, hurt broken... but is till didnt feel lonely... with Gods love, with my family like a shade of cool breeze , i still didnt feel i was lonely, but today when i listend to my favorite song, or wanted to hear your cheer for the match won... listening to ur passionate quotes, and these endless moments going without your laughter, smile , curse and sound... i dont know if wat i am feeling is loneliness... but why is it so that when i am with you i dont feel like i need anything...that i have everything and when u go away i feel lost in u...walking around the home like a ghost... singing to herself, crying to herself, laughting to herself, smiling to herself, and feeling all the feelings, herself...

i am not lonely but i still need love... your being there... to share some moments or may be a lifetime... who knows wat love is... who knows wat a girl and boy supposed to do, or say or feel... i feel something ... and i feel it for u... i dont know wat it is... i assumed it was love... i even said it to you... but now with u gone and not even a promise to return... i am lost... stuck... in my own promise that i will wait for u... as i cant love someone if i loved u...yet i feel i am obliged to marry and have a family... something which i wud have loved to have with u.... but with you gone... i feel i will be asked to have it with someone... all i need to do is replace your name with someone elses... and its done... but who... and if anyone cud have done... why i kept saying no to all until u came..... and i cud not say no to any of it... it was a yes... my heart still feels you will come... i know its impossible... for u to come and for me to take u back... but my heart just wants to keep the commitment... which was i will only be yours...

today i am alone... cuz u will not come and i wont let anyone else fill that space... and though i love my company... we laugh sing and cry and flutter, and glitter and cheer and feel exactly without needing to say a word.. something which can never happen with you around... with you i know i will have to say good bye to meeting salman khan, to travel the world, to sing with no care in the world... to live like i do... as then i will be asked to please you and who knows wat pleases u... and wat doesnt...if i had pleased u wud u ahve left me like that... after telling me you loved me... so i know i cant...but i will wait for u... to tell u... i am faithful even when u cudnt be...may be this is the price i pay for loving someone with my whol;e heart... from trusting you without even testing you once...:) but i loved u so...i cudnt test u...i only wanted to help u... to please... u to make u happy... to see u laugh... and smile and happy...

may be i am lonely, but with ur memories and so much love... i never feel it until i am made to beleive... i am... then i feel may be i am or one day i will be...
few words, few phrases, few songs will never fail to remind me of the times we had... and...

twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are

twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are...:) not a kid wondering... but me actually... kids only memorize them and try to impress parrents and family that they know this by heart and get a peck on cheek / a clap or a star... and thats like the biggest treasure in the world... which they graciously take sometimes smiling shyly and hiding behind mom... sometimes... running away when done with the request.

Songs i practice to dance like madhuri..:) i hope to by my brothers wedding





Salman khan a singer:)

I sing with him everytime i hear this... he is such a sweet heart..:) wish him so much love... the kind he always wanted...

Would like to go for a nose pin and tattoo someday

Few things i would like to try... a nosepin, temporary tatoo that can be taken out when needed.... small wishes...

Friday, February 25, 2011

i assure you as a rule i will not reconsider the decision once made...even if i have to go on streets...and sleep on empty stomach...word given cannot be taken back...
its beautiful when i am like this...:) ... for once i am happy ... for not having words to phrase...like a million dollar idea hits you and you cant wait to act on it...no wonder wealth of a man is in his/her mind...so proud of having one like me...unfortunate not to find one who i can share it with...

No excuses

a 21 yr old , unemployed, makes to american idol to provide for his 2 yr old kid and wife... now thats wat i call a real man... someone who was beaten up as a kid, laughed at made fun of ... and suffered from autism... at times cant even afford nappies for his child... crying as he recalled his life's struggle, but a believer in himself. God wud be truly proud of this kid.may he make a crazy fortune:)

suddeny i realised i needed more to learn from this then anyone...i may have been feeded and breeding on wrong ideas.... but i have examples... which i need to take in account..

Diamond for love

Felt so sad when i heard abt a man giving her GF who had been with hjer for 5 mnonths... and broke up0 cuz of his selfish nature... and he then realiseing wat she meant and wat he lost tried to win her back by a dimaond necklace.,,,, i wodner u never cud afford a call... juts to let me know u cared... and that my tears and feelinsg mattered...and i was ready to give my life to u to help u support u love u... marrying u cant be a good idea... though loving u never harmed...and i was there for u... for 2.5 years taking all of wat u give... lovinhg u fro one momet of smile u gave me... wat were my expectations... juts that u promise to hug me forever... never asked for diamonds... for u were the gem and never care for the world if it was offered in exchange of parting from u... and u cud never find the time or money to give me a cal in return to that... yet i know u are lost and need for love more then i cud ever need...and this soft corner never lets me hate you... never let you forget you or be a rock and feelingless for u, not even for a tear that u cry or a pain that u have... why? why am i doing this for u... why do i think u deserve it... juts cud u gave me wat i needed the most... a hug when ever i needed... yes... a hug and the feeling that iwwas home when u hugged me... so much more then a diamond necklace cud mean... but how cud it make me feel so good when u didnt even love me...

For the love of video and selction of images:) lovely

Who knows where this time leads me... :)

Travel is wat i was born for... i must have been a bird in my previous life:) free as the wind, seeking none other then the loving hand that created me... for the reason i know not completely... His awe must have been the only thing that moved me, broke my heart so it cud be healed and strengthened for His love, made me smile, made me cry, made me die and bring back to life:)time and again . and love and find those scattered souls who loved Him juts like me:)

Teh sound of the waves, emerges out in me, passion, rage, hurt, pain and love enormous love and feelings i felt in my life... bringing tears, peace, hope, wonder, excitement.and everything i felt as a blessing.:)

Talked to childhood friend Samina. We grew up with difference of mind and thoughts, but as we grew up the differences kept dying out. Now she is a mother of two and is genuinely happy to hear from me which is all i always care for.

With various priorities around i feel she is doing a good job, keeping, her work, social and home life in a perfect balance, a symbol of a complete women, which we all strive for. Yet for me somehow social life will always be syumboled with a burden which i cant afford, nor can much care for.

But talking to her made me realise ppl from far look very different, out of our league or we out of theirs , on close inspection they are not much different then you are. especially those who have a good heart.:)

She suggested i start a worskhop with kids again. I would only do it when i can do it with a excitement and commitment.

wats say taking aup a practice session as pearl for a month... Shud not be difficult if i made myt mind... why not use it ... 1 month should not be difficult for me.

Life once again seems pleasant and easy... thinking a lot of times is not so good.

But for one thing i am never and never will be short of opportunities. With a willing attitude and love and a little truts i feel for ppl... i can create opportunities from anywhere...only if they dont hold me responsible for leaving it in the middle and dont keep a grudge. but that can be easily taken care of by telling them in advance i wont be here for long. My destiny is calling me, and i may be asked to tread to different places. i need that freedom, as i can never lose sight of my ultimate destiny.

love you all and feeling in control once again...

Yasir Wali and Jawad - A new voice



There was a sweet song coming and it captured me in a moment with the sweet pushto voice...and melody..

I wanted to share it with others which could be moved with the same...Its wonderful to share with others moments and glimpses that stuck u in your path and moved you.

I was watching 360 Channel of fashion... and realized if i could wear the same kind of dresses i cud be a model too. I never for once doubted if i cud go for it i wud do a great job. i have the face the body and with makeup and dressing and the way to carry myself... i will be a million dollar face... as sean said... bu thinking where will it leave me with my dream to find myself a home and family... i wud never do a thing which wud sacrifice that ... i wud love to dress well but go with whom there is no one to take me to parties and places, nor someone to feel good when i am dressed like that and enjoy the sight. someone who i wud love to dress up like that...and i know when i will have him life will be so drastically different that my dream to dress up will be no more a possibility, who knows wat he wud love and like. will we have enuf money to afford that sort of stuff... will i have time to give myself that luxury.

With no will to work and earn, to have a dream to dress up is a stupid impractical one. yet i wud love to see myself dream...

I often dream to work in one of the movies like a lead actress... dressed in beautiful, nonrevealaing yet elegant and sensual dresses showing my feminineness without exposing anything... capturing hearts but not enuf to develop lust, impossible may be... women cannot get away flaunting themselves without raising eyes of not just the one you want but of those you dont. Even though the need to flaunt was just to feel good abt herself.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

and then even though people will be honest enuf to leave their responses. ten will say its great ten will say its pathetic... who woll i then listen to... ofcourse those who think its great... :) wats the point then knowing...
At times i want to read my posts and want to feel exactly how someone else feels about it... exactly the way i feel it or differently... its tough isnt it... then why people ask us to be in someone elses shoes why? i dont buy its necessary or even healthy...if i am asked to think like drunkard where will it leave me, or as a man who lost his wife... who he loved or he may never even cared for... why will i be int heir shoes to know wat they wud want me to say or do... i will do as i please... if anyone likes it good if not good.

Dedicated to the man i truly loved:)








































He once again... Such a treat

I can go on and on and on... Yet no one understands...and if he will know he will be mad too:) yet i know something...

Yet another! I know you are not interested... You dont have to bge... Its me and for me only:)

Theres something abt him haina:)



Salman Khan with Komal Mehta

Finally

I open this blog after a year or so... or even longer... but it feels like a lost friend found.

Hope to update it more often. Love and wishes

Its hard to lose someone you love, buts its always nice to have their love be with like a warm blanket wrapping you in cold nights, telling you once again... we are here for you when u need us the most.