I am not lonely i choose to be this way! i like it my way or no way!

I never intend to be a loner but this is wat makes me back down and shy away from reaching out to men and others for fun and good times!

Guys who may want to date me rather then think of me as a sis...

friend once who now think of me as a p[potential mate making me run miles away and wishing i was a guy


Guys who i meet who i fear will somehow become one of the above... , unless u already have a GF and u love her to death

Guys who are single and looking i become a prey to their undecided minds... and to ensure they dont get ideas i have to keep myself scant..

now those who can really be great, and they might not have an idea for me, or even desire... they flirt and i cannot understand wat they are meaning(my mind and its stupid thinkiing sometimes make up storties when there arent any)... like i know they dont mean anything but then why cant they just act normal or help me act normal like i am a sister and i work and we work and then we log off and incase we have free time... there is this awkward silence and then the conversations go from one topic to another and ultimately one word is uttered which makes me move back... and start thinking like where is he leading wat does he mean by that..

so i cant dress nicely, girly way... cuz i dont want anyone get ideas i am a girl... yes the only person i want to look like a girl is the one i want to marry to everyone else... i am a friend, a colleague, one who pulls ur leg, one who will argue with u... so that u will want to run away... but sorry cant be a girl with u...cuz i sreiously cannot handle men attention... for me its a signal of danger! run for life !!!!!:)

and when i am not being a girl... i am being bad... really bad pathetic...

those who i know have GF and think of me like a sis... and ensure me 120 times that they have no desires wat so ever other then exchange words and gain wisdom from me have some time pass. and get some ideas, work on some projects... help each other
they are going rare...

and the fact that those who are married, sometimes talk with such carelessness makes me nervous too... i wonder why men think any woman who isnt married or is talking to u is soemone u can wipe ur hands on:( i mean surely i can give u a punch but the fact that u were once a great friend and i owe u a lot... i wudnt dare want to do it... and all i can do is be as rare as possible... become extinct... and then if i cannot avoid u... treat u like an elder brother or uncle so ur bad side never get a chance to come out ...

guys my age are either married or needing a mate... hi time ... and i have to avoid them cuz i am not looking...:) i am simply wanting to kill time so i can keep my sanity while u arent there


All i am left with are these trusted men

brothers they are away and have a life of their own...

cousins they are busy have a life and friends crcle of their own

that leaves u ... my potential mate and life time friend... but then u dont want to move on and commit... and i cant deal with so much distance... i want someone who is real who i can touch and grab.... go for a walk with, have a fight with share my fears and concern, play with run with ... wat ever...

now i have nothing against women... except that they bore me...

the reason men always had a major place in every part of my life... i am used to men... their companies, their talks, their topics, i have 3 bros... 12 male cousins who i used to be with and enjoy more then my GFs who sucked... or may be i sucked for them... may be the later... but i wanst to marry them so who cares or cared... but the fact ... no woman other then madhuri gives me a reason to want to have as a comapnion... makes me wonder where do i get myself madhuri... even my sweet friend Hina, who was the only reason i was able to survive the 1.5 yrs of KU, i cant even bear her company for more then a phone call once a week... and the fact that i keep posponing our get togathers for i can precisely know how it will go... she is single too...

we will go somewhere talk something (that will range on the fact we are not married and how sad that is) it is why cuz i want to marry and so does she... imagine u were hingry and food was scarce... wud u be talking abt MJ nahi na... so its natural)... eat some and back home... talk is something we can do on the ph... eating can be done seperately... places we choose are definitely something i can miss all my life and never regret... movies yes can happen , but when i am ready she is not and when she is in mood i am having a heart break...

so i end up blogging in my room, listening to my fav songs, dancing, doing watever comes in my heart and missing u or someone like u... who wud come and save me from ruining my life like this...

why is it so hard for u...or for God?

so sometimes i get this urge to to runaway to far off places like naran, living in a valley in a small house raising chickesn:P or living on mount everest, and luckily find a passer by marry him and live there happily ever after, or take a flight come to ur place and ask u to let me live with u...:) as a paying guest... how fascinating that wud be:P or live in islamabad , but that kind of feels depressing working and coming to an empty home... wats bad in my home here... atleast i have my family but i want to be around cool ppl who are not in mood to marry even if they are my age and guys... may be i shud find some gays... they will surely make my life less complicated... and i can wait for u while having a great time with those men... who wont make me feel insecure and unsafe with them... wat say:D unless they have another kind of a trait that i cannot live with!


I owe this to you... please before i go insane... please ill do anything u will say just save me from this part of my life...

Its me and only i am to be blamed!