what if they cant!

I am feeling sad!

so much for the fun walk with mom... laughters, smiles and back to my den feeling lonely... knowing so well this loneliness may be a companion for a life time and its hitime i start making friends with it and not treat it like the devil...

but i havent and nor i have a will to... sorry for those who are ok being on their own and alone... i need ppl and the best i can get... and i will not give up... and that too on my terms...

so when i emailed you speaking my heart and mind... hoping u wud understand but knowing deep down well u wont know how to reply or wat to... i know i have got u thinking, wondering... but i havent given u an easy path back to me...and for all i know... life for u shud be easy or u r better off without it... right...

But i had been understanding of u too remember... even if it tore my heart i tried standing by you...and although u made it all so so hard that i wud stop being there and run away... i am not doing this to make u run away... i am trying to only make u know wat staying for me means... and wat it takes and are u willing cuz if u r not... then may be we are better off...

even though i know i will never be better off... but atleast u can be... and i am ok with that... your happiness is not wat i will ever deny you.

So i anxiously wait to hear back from you... and i know it will be just the same wait i had when i wanted to hear my cell rung and i running to get it hoping it was from you for 6 months... every ring and if it was ten times that ph rang it was ten times i thot it was u...

but u didnt ... and ppl may think i am stupid but i still sometimes think its u calling... and wish its u:) to hear u once again.

or its ur message ...

but i am not sorry... for being this way...

do hell with everyone who think i shud be... you havent been through wat i have and even if u have... you may choose to discard it thinking its peice of cake... for me it wasnt and it never will be...

And i wont ever say it to u... or let you know but the fact that its written all over me... and asking for justice... i cannot ignore it...

i am waiting for justice and i know i wioll get it one day from you...

i want to hear it all i want you to share all the truth every bit of it so that nothing is left in you which is not said out... that ur heart is as open to me as mine has been to you and what only God knows now, i get to know too.

My intensity scares me...it scares me

Its strange how i can laugh sometimes and smile over things... feel so totally healed as there is nothing ever a matter to me and suddenly i am so down and in a pit of anger, pain and hurt that i am blinded suddenly if i ever be alrite...

this up and down of me is so deceiving so unexpected and so shortlived that i cannot even try to solve it... or know wat it is...

does it happen with any one of u... like u are absolutely thrilled rocking fun filled and happy and suddenly u r so down that u cannot deal with it or want anything anymore...

This scares me sometimes when i know i can handle it cuz i have to live with me forever... but wat if you cannot handle it... and i wont be able to handle that u arent able to handle me and i am not able to handle you.

we have to be able to do that... or else wats the point?

They say dont let the pain get to a point where it gets u lose ur senses, instead get help as soon as u see it coming... ad that they is me...

:D

Wish u all love and lots of it!

i am sharing this in words... cuz it will always be in words... and in case u were not listening imagine who was...:)

the lord the creator...he does listen and he answers too! dont forget...but the fact he sometimes want us to share this with ppl rather then only him...makes me wonder can all take this and handle this... wat if they cant?