I am sad!

I never regretted anything but now i am regretting something abt myself.

My mom has been kind and loving and she is a mom so i can expect that from her.

But i cant expect everyone to be so around me especially those who havent known and loved me so much.

My anger fits when they happen make me say wat ever i feel like. and when its over all i know is ashes of a once beautiful thing...

But no... i never get angry on the right thing... Its wrong i cannot handle... Its wrong i cannot tolerate, its when u cross limits that i am asked to leave mine and meet u halfway to give u my peice of mind...

And it doenst matter that whether i was wrong in blowing up or not... things break up, things are said, feelings are hurt and sins are multiplied.

and i regret even though i feel i was right.

I then try to understand the mechanism by which i live my life. the theory the philosophy and i wonder how i never get to have one close friend who i cud say is my soulmate. when i see freinds being so close and loving to each other... unable to do without each other, always wanting the other to guide them , to hear them and other so very interested in so... i wonder why i never cud enjoy all that...

why i had to always purse my lips when i had something to share, why i feared no one can understand me or wud care for wat i care... and why i felt no one and wat tey cared for meant anything to me...

So when sometimes i dont feel like wishing someone a happy b'day cuz i feel she wudnt care wherther i greet them or not... cuz they hardly greet me...i know i am being small hearted or sometimes even not doing it when i feel they can survive without my greetings...

but the fact that i always am ready to help ppl with troubles that are menaingful to me and diys for those that are not worthy of my time... i regret this but i am still unable to change myself...into a more of a simple and less limited girl

Decisions i made myself

take admission in BA Eco/
do it for 1 yr and then the distance and traveling and stupid tim lags between classes causing me depression...

so take admission in BCS did it for 3 yrs the last yr severe depression... yet cleared it... somehow... went to give papers while dying inside...

was interning for 2 yrs all the way to my bcs... the place was nice

got a job as sales coordinator... earning 7000 did it for a yr... when i got bored wityh the same work that was quotation making.... no more learning i felt and started to crave for different stuff...

started MBA tried handling both the job and MBA but my grades told me to not take a risk and i left the job, and the fact i had lost interest in the work,

did mba for two yrs... it was good... and bad... nithing is perfect...

wasnt that strong or confident abt getting a job it seemed like a big thing... i had very low confidence.. and mba didnt rise it that much..

once i am in i do great but to enter i usually cannot show my best cards ever

i feared gettinga good job and when no call came... for a month... i aksed a fried to keep me with him ... he had started his business recently and so he cudnt pay me more... i said i dont care i neeed to be working... so he agreed... and the salary was 4000 only... yes...

but before i cud start there i got a call from a company... and i got myself a post as asst manager sales for 12000 (tripple the amount i was agreeing to take...

my mom had felt really bad when my friend only proposed 4000 knowing i was an mba... i told her one thing mom ur girl will be jobless... wud u like that more then she is atleast working i can tell ppl i am earning more, dont worry... and she was so happy when i got a better offer... or may be it was her prayers which i never knew anything abt:D

i started the job and stayed there finally earning 40000 Rs. and that too with a kind of job security that wud let me make trips to USA for 4 months and i cud come and join back something no other work place wud ever offer...i didnt had to take leaves for muharram... since my boss was a bohri too...and so it was ideal in every way except

i didnt feel i was doing something worthy... i was earning, i was influencial, i was manager, but i felt like a slave of someones money and time...

all i wanted was to be in aplace i cud walk dance sit as i like... and i cudnt do anything... all of my day went without any nice exciting stuff... got boring like hell and he wasnt getting wat he wanted either... i was nasty, arguesome, sudenly and i felt i wasnt doing justcie to the amount i was being paid...

finally one day i resigned saying i dont feel i deserve this or even can do this anymore...

and i left breathing lighter, feeling better more alive...

that was the best decision i made... and all i feel i lost was 40000 rs... yes it is a lot... but its not worthy then me... and my happiness and stress free life...

i havent gained the courage or attitude to join back workplace... any other ... wen i left that place i made a commitment to never come back again... that the good bye was final. and i may do any other job but never go back...i bow only can wish God somehow lands me a better work and place and folks... that improve me as human... in every possible way...who are asubstance beyond substance.

OK

i met you 3 yrs back and i am still not given up on u...but i have given up on almost everything in life...

i few month back got an offer to volunteer and i took it... but i was going to leave it soon when i spotted Gulab, a kid in KG 2 a 7 yr old, that took my heart away with his innocence and smile.

if it wasnt for him i wudnt have been able to stay in that school. there were other kids too... but i didnt feel so strongly abt anyone... but the fact i cudnt be in his class or see him everyday make me wonder if i shud continue as he was the only reason why i wnated to be there... i know stupid of me... but that how i am...

and the fact i have left it more time then i have joined it... i feel i shudnt go unless i make somekind of a pact to atleast be with them for a yr or 6 month... but i cant since i dont know wat will happen tomorrow with me...

without commitment i dont feel like taking up anything and making commitment is a hard thing...

now if u all look at my situation and decisions... when my mom asks me to make a decision abt choosing a life mate and starting a life with him... i wonder how can it be so easy for me to meet a guy love him, and when he leaves i forget all abt him and marry another...

when they ask for a decsion i remember my commitment that i amde when i was talking to him that i will love him for ever and even after i die...

and with that commitment made... i dont think there seems to be any room for another man in my life... but the fact i made this commitment without even knowing wat he wants... and his no support in this regard makes me wonder wat to do...

shud i break the commitment i made with so much love and faith and passion. or be true to it and see it working its majic into my life...

the fact that with passing time and his oblivion to my needs and wishes my anger and ego tells me to hate him forget him, dump him, leave him... and sometimes they make so much sense... but still i cant seem to make myself do it...

and if i ever turn else where the only person i find better of my commitment and love is Salman Khan...

why? Cuz if it wasnt him, it wud have been killing for me to bear wat i was asked to bear. he owes me a lot after u!

and yes i do regret the fact i wasnt able to stop loving u, but i have really stopped acting and behaving like u wud have liked me to... that my respect for u, has gone lower then i wanted , and my trust has gone out too...

i am sorry but i am angry, until u make me feel better abt u... but why wud u do anything its not u who committed to love me it was only i who made that commitment and wants to be true to it!

how do i go anywhere from here!