Desires, wishes, or God knows what!

I was born normal, shy simple, happy, cheerful, thoughtful, and sensitive but happy

i ended up being wat i am now of 32 yrs

i am having ready for doing things which were not even allowed to be considered or even thought abt suddenly, that were a total no no...

And the worst part is... people i rely on helping me not indulge in things which may get me in trouble are ok and totally backed off on making me listen to their logics...(basically there isnt a logic u see which they can convince themself or me...) but they cant even think of one to make me stop in my track... and i am so worried how far will i do in this...and where will it lead me... yes my heart which i was so proud of .

1- Dying to meet Salman and not letting him die or me die without doing this...
2- Wanted to do a concert with micheal jackson,(May his soul rest in peace) that didnt happen, its ok...
3- Watch Celine Live
4- Madhuri (Never mind) i can drop it... the urge has left me... it was an impulse(see how i take things and drop them)
5- Get Married to him, (and bringing him to Maula) yet knowing something is not completely roght abt it or is just not that possible... still not letting go.. fearing him and needing him, pushing him away and then waiting patiently for him...
6- RJ (dropped the idea) i simply cant be a positive lively RJ..so no(the fact that i am not using one asset to make a dfference do give me chills sometimes:( but its ok
7- Act in a movie (Amir or Salman's production) do a small powerful part, that is graceful and cheerful
8- Die for Imam Husain, and Maula (I owe my life to them and God ofcourse)
9- Wear all the dresses that i havent been able to as of now... (I was hoping i will marry some chill guy who will not have a prob and i cud just be my real self with him) and get away sinless:D
10-Find true love, one i dreamed and wished for
11- Have two sons definitely and make them heroes(not movie ones but the real dudes...:) Insha Allah
12- Watch everything breath taking that God made and Experience heaven, below the real one...in this world (How totally vague this is for God to ever make it happen)Its just that i dont want to miss out on anything... anything that i will regret i didnt do while i was here...
13- Have a Caravan and live life with no direction or regulations...move aorund travel and explore
14- Live in USA/ Canada/ on an island, somewhere in a small wooden hut with my man, who is a strong man...and worship him:D
15- Visit Switzerland for sure before Husain Comes back from Germany... else it will be more costlier and less fun
16- Go to fairy meadows and Nanga parbata and skurdu for treking with Ali Khamoosi and get my photo shoot there...:D
17- Go to UAE and spend time with Tahir, seeing him like a grownup, man he has become and yes go skiing, go to burjalarab, watch all the best Dubai has to offer...
18- Try being elegant and less messy, without losing the focus on why i am down here...
19- Die Young or Be young even in my 100s, somehow i feel i am going to have a long life, one i dont wish for, but one God intends for me... so i need to make sure i dont end up being a grumpy old woman who hates her life or who makes everyone want to stay out of her but that who has goals and real stuff lined up to be done till her last breath...
20- Write a book that doesnt misguide but only make ppl beleive in Love, Miracles, god, Faith, Following ur heart, being human, being genuine, living a life full of fun... while outlining my life story for giving it a more realistic then fictious view. Reality makes u believe, fiction only makes u wish...

Go up to heaven with a smile, and know that i am forgiven for all the wrongs i cudnt help doing or was to weak to avoid or not doing as much good as i possibly cud have, had not been i so pleasure oriented... and am loved for trying to make my life best for me and those around me... even if i did fail terribly.