There are times!

When i hear something or have something i wish i cud share with u and then i remember Oh we are not talking anymore....

And then i feel sad... yes for a tiny moment... until something comes up and takes my mind away...

i wonder if u feel that way... but i guess u dont... u were way too placid, always in control of ur feelings and thoughts... more in power to keep ur cool, to hold urself...

It was a triumph to get u to call and open up and tell wats on ur mind... and sometimes u did...

those moments where we laughed, or hifived, or smiled, or when u scolded me and i made a bad face which made u realise u were hard on me and then u saying something sweet to make me come around ....

and the times when i cud so easily cry in front of u... and how it took a minute for u to make me smile, wat ever u said was like a remedy, like a drug, that my soul needed... u knew how to make it all right for me... and i blv thats precisely wat made me know only u r the one for me... cuz u always knew how to make it right... somehow no matter wat the trouble... it vanished in the air, when i presented it to u...

and now...its been i dont know how many months...

now i dont know if ill ever feel the same way... so comfortable like i was talking to someone i was born to be with....

sometimes i still talk to u... when i am presented with a question or problem which i know i wud want to talk to u abt... and i have that conversation... exactly saying wat i know u most probably will say...

I have never been in a relationship with a guy... wat ever we had was the first time and evertime u confirmed to me its the last time i will have it with anyone i knew it was the last one i wud have... so ... yes it is for me...

until u find a way back or i find a way back... which seems only possible for God to make happen, not for me or even u.

The first time it was easy to approach u... the second time it was sensible... the third time it was an uncontrollable desire... but this time... it is a painful realzation and submission to something grander then a desire, to not do it

Its matter of honour, of right, of love, of faith...

My feelings havent changed for u...you are still that person i wish to marry... to help to support, to love unconditionally, to look after, to bear pains for... but whether u r ready yet to honour me to behold the responsibilities that come with the vows and to fulfill ur part of the commitment that is needed to keep this love alive, is something i am not sure ... i know u are a kind man, a loving man, a caring man, but are u a committed man... i dont know... u never cud keep any of ur promises... and its not something i can overlook...if i was going to be a friend i cud live with it, if i was ur mother or father i cud live with it, if i was ur employee or colleague i cud live with it... but as a wife to live with it... no i simply can't ...No marriage can happen without a lasting commitment... and no future for me and u together without marriage...

till then...the part of me which doesnt care abt tomorrow, the rules, the laws, wats right must bear with me...for even though i hate to grow up... i am bound to... and if i can honour my responsibilities and place them above my head and eyes... it will make life way more sacred, serene and divine, then if i renounce them and look at them as a burden...

For every thing that a man or woman in faith do becomes an act of worship to Allah:) and marriage for me is a divine act:)

I am glad for coming across u! for you are the only one who make me want to do it!