How Do you get Married?

Dont get me wrong, but i always wondered, how ppl get to wed

Like how u make someone propose to you or make urself accept the proposal...

For me it was like, when i liked him as a person and admired him, he was attracted to me, which i hated.

And when i found him easy to talk out my troubles with and found him a great help, he was getting to fantasize abt me, ... and the thought just disgusted me

And when he proposed me on that air flight suddenly, ... the only thing i cud really think to say which i thot was cool... was, no way, i am not marring in ur family. and the feeling was, i never can see u in that role yess, no matter how great u r...u annoyed me... and i dont like ppl who annoy me...

Or when you took me to that walk on the beach and tried protecting me from the bad guys, i was actually more scared for u, since u were coming from abraod and more like a guest then a Boy i wanted to marry...

And that when i finally got this urge to get engaged, to you without even seeing u... in real, and we had that skype session the first time and i was a 360 degree turn, i dont likeyou...

and then i got scared of this whole thing...

Oh yes and how to forget that accomplished, heart surgeon, i talked on ph in the USA, divorced though...but i felt for the first time there is someone who atleast is firm, a man and not a kid...someone who surely will impress me... and i was wondering if i will be able to impress him...

anyways we meet and all my day dreams, come to an end when the imagination meets the reality...

Noooo, and oh how i hated myself, how i cursed myself... how i even cried... wats wrong with me... why cant i just say that damn yes....

so i tried making ammends...but gladly u were man enuf to stop the girly me to not even try...and how i felt bad... that how helpless and useless i am...

and may be ill die alone... since i surely have a problem with every guy who comes and wants to marry me, like as soon as he propose them, my normal eyes get switched with a new one...that only can see one thing Danger! Red Zone...No!!!!

If anyone can exactly see wat i see... i know even they wud freak out... but why?

What makes me think like this...

But i still felt may be they all really werent for me, meant for me and i shudnt bash myself for things which i surely didnt do purposely


Still there was this part of me, who thought i was guilty of a sin, i was not ready to accept and make ammends for...

That may be just may be, i am such a perfectionist, and critical and self obsessed person, who cant see beyond her, or a lazy, good for nothing, who wants everything ready for her to dig in...

that she really has no real human qualities to deserve someones true love, for she herself isnt really a girl who knows anything abt loving and being there herself, who may be thinks she is loyal, supportive, loving person, but actually truth cannot be far from it...

And then one day, i get a call from you out of the blue...and i know no one wud really beleive... but when i first heard and talk to you my heart was hooked on to you, from that very moment... i still remember every word of that conversation... It was so natural, so relaxed, so like breathing... i wasnt putting up a face, i wasnt caring abt whether its a paper i cannot dare to fail...

on the other side i found a man, who was really hurt and lost, real and worthy... and no you think i wont screw the perfect chance, ofcourse i wud... since i wanst born for anything perfect in my life, so i did screw...

but i was hooked on to you then, and i am hooked on to you now... like that last hope that i know i will always be hooked on to... for i dont have the guts to let you go... even though i feel its only an empty fist...

at the end of life if we really see... we all will either have a empty fist or a full heart... i wud want the later, even if its pain with disappointsments, pain, scratchs, tears, i know between those i wont be short of having those moments, of love, joy, ectasy, which may have not lasted for ever, did give me its taste ...

I have loved u well, though not as i shud have, nor u loved me like u shud have... but i know u did... even when u doubted it... i know u did... cuz when someone loves u... its not they who feel it... its u, :)

But yes... i am still totally unsure... even when we fell in love, deeply, truly madly, how we end up getting married, and stay in it forever? and how can i really say wat i feel was worth lasting and for anyone to think and take seriously!

good luck and my best wishes for all those who finally made it there... and luck to those who are still struggling to get there... let the struggle on... Dont give up on love...

Love