Friday, June 10, 2011

trying to make sense and failing terribly:)

I dont know why i get this urge to find solution for my problem in every communication i have with anyone

for me every step that i take is toward helping me in someway... it has to be beneficial, it has to be interesting, and it has to be comfortable and supportive of me and the other person...

is it the case with you all.

I know this has been the case with me since i was 5 yrs old...

i had never been with ppl just to pass time... i was there for a reason... when i was 12 and fell in love ... my talks were to secure this person and finally marry him... yes i was ready to think marriage from that age... for i beleive if u can fell in love then u can marry... and come to think of it its not a bad thought... if i had liked the person and he was caring for me... and i was caring for him... we wud somehow do everything to make life easy and happy for both of us...

but for 8 yrs i waited on him... and sulking, went to school, passed my inter, got by bachelors... and got a job... waiting for him all that long, crying sometimes and feeling happy other times... not to forget having those absolutely lovely times... trips... and so many other exciting stuff... but one problem was there... i wasnt yet married to him... and i was getting older by day...:)

today i am 32... and the problem remains i am not married... i have got so manhy of my dreams met including going to europe, USAAAAAAa:) i dreamed abt it when i was 12 ... to be in usa and then a voice in my head used to say... it doesnt happen to girls like u... u dont have a mole beneathe ur foot...:) i was that pessimistic... but i still dreamed... and one day it happened... dont ask how... but it did... so it will be understatement if i say my dreams dont come true... just that i dont feeellll thaaaaat happppppyyyy when they happen... i am like thisss happy... :) but dreams come true...

so my brother asked me to go look out for guys... "u dont need to shut ur doors if u need to finally get settled... and wat i see is u have closed ur doors and thats not how problems get solved"... and i was like ill try... and wat do u think my best bet was ... (FB) u bet... cuz i am not going to those rishta wali aunties... they bring guys of their choice... and then they are extra angry when u reject them... and think they are doing a favor bringing them on ur doorstep... i know i am bad... i know i dont deserve to see more men... but i dont do it on purpose... it doesnt happen... and yes this is true too that YOU came through one of those aunties too and YOU i i fell in love isntantly... but that was juts one case out of those 50 unsuccesful ones, and if thats the ratio ... then it means i will have to see 50 other men to find one yes man... which means 50 more angry ppl:( but is it my fault... how can i say why i chose, wat i chose and dont, wat i dont... how can i say...i juts feel its my way... my life my fate... and most of the time i enjoy my decisions and i never regret... but then sometimes when meeting the right person takes so long...i start doubting myself... theres some problem... something terribly wrong... and u r bot trying to work on it...:(

anyways... so in order to finally give myself the shot to atleast look ...i started typing names... (bohri names... i am a bohri and thats who i can marry... no thats one thing which i and my family amde the rule...i am ok with it i love it and i want it ) but i didnt like wat i see... so then i decided to think if i knew someone from before... and then i remember this guy i came across a month back... 'YB'... he seemed interesting, nice, and his wall had some interesting videos... quality videos... but i felt he was younger then me and may be not someone who wud appreciate me... so now i was in a fix again... wat if he is younger then wats the point... ... kya kerein... finally after a bit of thinking i messaged him... hi how r u doing... and it went pretty smooth from there... but he is 26 and i am 32 so thats out of question... but acha nahi legta... yeh kehna " suney we dont match in age... i am looking for guy to marry... and since u wont be ever interested in soemone older then u... wats the point..."

so i didnt ... instead iw ent with my and his flow... i am not expecting anything to happen ... we may be not a perfect match for two reasons... my age, and my ways... even though i am interesting, i am resepctful, i am fun and i am honest...

so our last conversation was this... and i dont know how i sounded to him and wat impression i made, cuz i cannot think abt my impressions... i have to say and do wat comes in my mind in the i dont know... but i have done it... aur dunya mein agar merey paas yeh option keror baar bhi ayey... to mein yehi keroongi jo meney kiya... and this defines me...

Me: more then places i have distinct ppl to meet
but i will be in mumbai
and will be going on a ziarat tour

He: yep....people is the most important
who do u have in mumbai

Me: not family
u will find this very silly

He: its ok...give it a shot

Me: i am specifically going to meet Maula... and Salman Khan

He: haha...Maula isn't in Mumbai currently right?

Me: he will be hopefully
else i wud have gone to london
but my passports are with the faiz
i have to meet him
i ahve got an arzi to make

He: and did u confirm the schedule with salman

Me: oh man
dont ask
but if i set my mind to something
nothing stops me
nothing stops me
so milna to hai
kesey miltay hain thats a mystery

Me: so where do u belong to in india

He: i am from mumbai

Me: oh... thats nice
have u ever been into bolly wood... interested in that all (stupidist question, but it was already out)

He: no...u mean studios?

Me: i mean having favorite actors (cudnt know how to change the track of conversation to something better, hence)

He: i used to watch movies....long time since good movies came out
well...i like aamir khan...
and katrina for her beauty,...sux at acting though

Me: yes i like him too
he is outstanding in his work

He: i do like kajol ...but again no movies recently

Me:after jub we met...
i kind of started liking her acting skills too
my moms a fan of her

He: thats kareena

Me: oh ok
she doenst know how to act

He:Kareena is acceptable...but thats one of the only few movies
jab we met was really good

Me: yes... beautiful movie

He:it gives me a nostalgic feeling...since i watched it with my family

Me: how mnay are u

He:i have a younger sis
and i am really close with my maternal cousins and masis

Me: just one sis


Me: nice (lame phrase, cudnt think of anything better)
i hope i am not interrupting ur work
u r free to let me know... min faarigh hoon

He:its long as u dont mind me replying late

Me: not at all
but i dont want to effect ur performance...
work comes first

He: its ok

Me: hows the job market there in USA (i think its a smart question... i wanted to know his views)

He: improving i have heard...
i dont have that much knowledge but so far i haven't had any trouble...

Me: how abt settling in with spouse... do u need to have a working spouse to meet the ends meet

He: yes...otherwise, it could get pretty tough...also, here there is not so much a wife can do without working
she will be bored

Me: but u need some kind of aqualification to take up a job that really pays u good

He: yeah...thats true...or experience

Me: hmmm (i suck at jobs... i shudnt ever look for a spouse in USA, wat if i cant find a job)

He: some ppl do somehow get good jobs without qualifications...but then there is the visa trouble too

Me: yes
last time i came there...
ofcourse i was on the visit visa
so didnt bother

He: what have uu studied?

Me: but when i think abt taking a job... there... u can find it not exactly wat u wud like
but u cud get soemthing
and BCS
although i dont remeber anything abt my BCS
i had been working in marketing ehre for more then 5 yrs

He: is good enough to get the visa and job

Me: (contnuing talking without hearing him:P bad habbit )but then i got allergic to the role
so i thot i wont go for marketing again...
so i am thinking now to take soem courses
but havent been able to decide wat to do

He: courses in pakistan or USA?

MeL pakistan... they are way cheaper here
in usa if i get a good one
that gets me a good job in the desired field
i am more into
welnness studies
i was thinking of having my own wellness centre at home... but then i am not sure if i am going to stay here and future is so
hazy i dont want to invest nor i am able to make a mind

He: yeah...thats the case with most people at our stage

Me: (spilling non stop, did i need to, wat was the point i did anyways, i always do, every one needs to know everything abt me )also i applied for
canadian immigration
in 2006
that time they told me u will be gettinga call around after 2 -3 yrs
now when i chekc it its 6 yrs
so i am not sure
if its going to happen soon
sometimes i plan to go look for work in another city in pakistan
to be on my own
and experience that
but then pakistan is not safe
for girls alone... and i have been always with my family
i kind of get scared thinking abt it (bla bloa bla)

He:: yeah...i have also heard these things...try US or should be better

Me: i am thinking of a place that has easy visa requirements and a safe place... scenic, asd even if i dont have someone i can enjoy the nature there... and then a job that i enjoy even if it doenst pay me a lot
but then karachi seems good too
its home and u can get a nice place to work
that doenst pay u well but u r close to family (there is not a stop button in me... may be it tells soemthing bt my mental state...)

He:that is always the dream...but u can't really get all those attributes at one place (giving up this dreamer, isn't a real person, i am better off without her or she will drive me crazy)

Me: (continuing without thinking wat he thinks)i ahve never been career oriented or ambitious
for money
or role
i juts wnated to enjoy myself and be happy
with little wat ever

He: gtg for lunch...ttyl (totally turned off)

Me: sure bye

He: bye


Wat do u guys think... and i know wat ull say... may be i am all that... but then its me...and i know i suck at findinga guy... cuz this is how i do it... everytime... i dont know a better way... but if god has someone in made for me... he will be able to see beyond this and find the courage and willingness to have me... wont he:)

leave ur comments on wat u think abt me in the conversation mode...

No comments:

Post a Comment