Her face tortures me, disturbs me in ways no one ever did... for she is his Ex, someone who held his world when i was non existing...strange but he and her, they didnt had a need to ever enter my world or ever cross my paths had they been two placid souls... in love with each other as they both claimed they had been for so many years... had they never took love for granted, or thought one to be as easily replaceable as they thought it was...
If i someday, without knowing her for who she was, had came across her, would she still had made the same dent or impression on me... as she did when one day out of the blue i got her email in my mail box introducing me to who she was, and calling me names and things i never thought anyone cud use for me, shaking my being...though for so many months, even wanting to meet her myself and constantly asking him to show me her, and his refusal, she entered and took away the peace i had got myself as i tried building my world around him, learning to finally let go of my guard, letting him inside, showing him my world and my inner most privelledges spaces that i had reserved for someone i wud one day call my husband, my soulmate, my everything...
But her face casts a shadow on me , as i cannot really makeup who is more unjust in this situation... me for ever thinking to have a future with him or she for coming back rocking my world, leaving it dented...
Soo far my life was completely a fairy tale... He is not my first love... i had been sincerely, if not passionately in love with two men previously... and to be very honest had they reciprocated those feelings, i wud have gladly stayed with them till eternity, for love for me is unreplaceable...
Foor me , snatching someone, pinning someone to myself is never a natural need... for i beleive we all belong to God... and to ever claim someone is all ours is only denying the truth...... and so... the need to be possessive never corsses me... i never knew how to be posessive abt any one... for me from my brothers to my mom, to my nani... to my room, to my clothes every thing had been sharable... But i knew for one thing i wont be ever be able to share my love my husband with another... to have to share him was a nightmare i cud never think i cud live, i wud live single all my life, never be loved, but that i had to share him with another woman, never, not in my life. I would gladly give up my love had he ever shown feelings for anyone, but if he felt for me and i felt for him, there was no way i wud let anyone enter my world and ruin my peace of mind and home. But i dont think God ever intented for me someone who was not meant for just me alone...
If he is hers then he cant be mine... and if he is mine then i dont need to ever fear him to ever be someone elses...
But something abt wat we had, makes me wonder, who he truly belongs with... me or her... and this answer doesnt seem to have a clear picture...
But her face makes me want to befriend her to know... what exactly was the reason for their parting, where exactly is the devil lying that makes them both incapable to stay happy together... and wat exactly is the reason that doesnt let them even part without feeling like life is unjust...
For the decision to come together was theirs, the decision to part was theirs too... then why fate is the culprit, God the decider... when they themselves are making these decisions... why are they reluctant to take the responsibilty of their own actions.
And why everytime i see her remeniscing in her past, make me feel he hasnt told me the whole trth... that there is more to it then wat he has shared... that somewhere wat she has become isnt completely her fault... that somewhere in her ruin, he has been a complete contriubutor... and somewhere in his ruin she has been a contributor too...
But as i wait for their stories to unwind further and i to find a path for myself... i simply cannot say what i really feel for that woman... She is strong, she is independant, she is beautiful and she is assured of herself, yet she draws from him a strength which she cannot get from anywhere else... and that is wat she misses when ever she feels he will be taken away from her...
yet for him... all i know is... he is trapped in the past, which he cannot undo or rectify... she is a part of his life which he simply cannot erase, and until then he cannot really do away with...
But everytime i see her face, i feel my heart cringe ... and my beautiful day losing its color... as if i had been smacked with acid... and this feeling i know needs to be healed... for i need to know how a kid, turns into an acid... and if she isnt totally responsible for it... why blame her for the harm...when she touches anyones life... for she wasnt born acid... she turned into one... didnt she and when u try to understand wat led it happen... the story will hold him somewhere in the very centre of that story...culprit or not... thats something i need to know...
as for him... he has hurt me, broken my heart and trust in ways... yet something abt him tugs to my heart like a kid which u cannot unlove no matter how many msitakes he makes... or may be its my weakness, once loved, i cannot learn to unlove someone... and i took a fairly long and concrete way to get him there... for the journey... had been a very painful, yet miraculous one...
if he has been the reason for my most painful times... he is also the reason for my most beautiful and comforting times...
But she...do i and her have a reason too? is she here to teach me something tell me something or is it just something i shudnt bother myself with?
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