jiyey Pathan!

they are drilling on my head... but its ok... they are doing something constructive and they have all the right to cause me head ache... on the contrary it feels like music, a sense of life . and wat they are doing is no jokes! its a serious effort that wud go lifelong! god bless u all and may give u a fair reward for ur honest dedicated work!:) wish i cud be like u all... contented and doing one thing all my life and still having no frown on my head!


I so wish!

i want to work work my ass off and feel great in me... have a sense of happiness that's never ending... i want to work...

please God help me... secure a job i wont feel like quiiting ever

Love i bow to!

Khamosh rehna mushkil hai
tum se door rehna mushkil hai

:D

Kya keroon, insaan hoon machine nahi!

it takes strength and will

Strrength to ley aai... magar will kehan se laoon!

No i cant ever will to leave u and forget u... no matter how much pain this wud bring me.

So when my folks and family scold me i can see my self smiling... the fact that they think i am doing the biggest blunder of my life makes me feel i am alive and they love me enuf to ask me to stop and think and are there to make me do soemthing which i may not like but which they think is best for me.

Their love i bow to...but my will i cannot kill and bury... Its my life they are talking about.

Efforts! you have to make them and you will!

you may know that your fate will itself come to ur doorstep... but if u are not willing to make efforts for the fate you desire... you truly dont deserve it... even if u by chance get it!:) and until u prove urself worthy u wont be able to hold on to it for long!:)

have you ever felt

hi every one!

hope you are all doing great ...

i am fine, a moment feeling awesome and the other feeling out of place unsure dioreinted and a mess...

now i know its hard to pin down wat i am most of the time for my ownself rest alone the ppl around me and especially those who i are thinking to chose me to be their partners for life... it can be an ordeal, for i dont give them reasons that will simplify anything for them and to let them know wat to expect with me. but i have a bit of it written here to give them an idea

I am a person who is an idealist. I am a rational idealist. i beleive its possible but i need to be patient and work deligently abt it in order to get it.

I have a lot of time with myself. If i am expected to live till 60. i have precisely 28 more years which is a lot of time almost as much time as i have been here.

and trust me it has been a perfectly timed life.

now if i write down my goals and see if this much time will be enuf to get them all then i wud say... the actual time i will need to get them all done is...

Switzerland (20 days)

Meeting with Salman (1 Day to meet, i day for travelling, a yr to follow up and trace and pursue and get an appointment)

Aqa Maula ( 1 day for registration a month to get the result a month to spend with him and a day to be able to be in his presence and do the arzi.. if i mean to do that 10 times it will be multiplied by ten the same time

Meeting with Him (My secod halF)...

well depending on his willingness to make my life easy... it can take from a week to 5 yrs or more... its indefinite...

now

if i keep 28 yrs in my mind and these goasl... i am not sure which to go for and when

ok... now those things which were not mandatory but wud not be something u will regret

are


a trip to usa... and s many trips as i plan
A trip to uae one min but i am not willing to make many there... one wud be enuf...

now two things i might want to experience for the heck of it and sideline them later cross them as expeirenced and not to mention again

skydiving.. since i have seen him do that

and snorkling... yup it wud be good

it wont take more then a month to complete them all...


now wats remaining to be done...

raise kids if i have them...
make love if i ever have him say yes and we be married
wat else...

no clue... not a bit of clue...

do everything that comes my way... i guess... meet ppl and enrich my epxeriences...

can u based on these activities advise me a plan...

now i know life cant be a straigh path u walk... but it necessarily doesnt have to be a crooked too... where u go sytraight and then reverse back to the starting point and then go left and then reverse back and then take a right in the middle and then wander somewhere and then one time get urself in the middle of nowhere... and ur time is up....


for me reaching there... is imp... and other then following this one person who i know knows the way.... i only can find these goals which can define my life path...

does that define me well for u to understand me perfectly! this is all there is to me. really!

I am cuz He is!

once i asked him, why he isnt teaching me wat the whole world is learning... he kept silent like always and i ran after wat world was learning... now i understand why he never felt the need!:) and i am back to him to learn wat he is teaching me... this time though the world runs around while i sit with him and watch them do that! sometimes i watch him smile:) sometimes i watch him sad and i reach out to take all his sadness away! but never i have been so relaxed and at home! never!

Thoughts! they can become ur destiny... choose them well!

hi frnds!

how r u all doing?

hope all is good. i wish so... things are great around here!

my bones how ever are not doing so well due to my inaction these days and having nothing to do...


my bones speak to me " farida we need ur care, and special attention... in case u want us to stay with u for the rest of ur life" else who knows we might leave u before time... i say i dont trust the docs with u, i am taking calcium tabs and olive oil... its true u r not being used properly as i am not having much work around for u, and i worry if ill exert u a lot u may just get killed faster anyways... Drs i dont trust! they will take money and still end up being as helpless as i am! and ill find a solution dont u worry, my freinds! i have got this killer of a mind that can find solutions of any stature... but u gotto trust me and beleive in me!


rest all is well...

but this wierd yet exciting yet positive yet solution oriented thought came in my mind... that is to adopt a child... to whyich my bro gladly says adopt me instead:D

and i told him i dont want grownups i need kids who cant take care for themselves so that they can make me feel responsible around them... u guys can do wonders without me anyways...

my mom agreed... i reasoned with her... and she loves me and my reasons so she gave in... her fear ofcourse which she didnt even bother listening was how she will react to the thousand question posers around the cuntry and globe... but i know being my mom has strengthened her to a great extent... she knows she can listen to me or to the world... and she knows when i come in context... everyone is out...

but i am rethinking this... as usual....

say i will first need to talk to my area amil sb... and his looks and gestures can take the life out of me... for he isnt going to be as sweet as my mom!

and he is going to make me want to bury myself in the soil to save his embarassing remarks... or just angry ones...

so thats a big block i have to face...

once he is convinced and does the raza to Maula... whose word is the most imp force that can stop me or push me, his approval will mean the rest of the world can now go on the side!

my first place to look for the child is edhi foudation.. as i wud like to take a kid a boy whose both parrents are not there...

and who is below the age of 1... 3- 6 months ideal

if i find one ill take him... if i dont... which wont be the case for i know its not a big criteria like the one i have for the man i marry thats impossible to acheive!:D

so with that kid... i know for sure my life will have a purpose for another 20 yrs... and wont it be interesting when he wud call me mom and rely on me... for every small thing... and wont it be fun to help him learn things discuss abt things with him... talk to him know his preferences try to understand and make him undertsand things...

answering his first questions... and for once stop being a child myself to be able to act like a mother or someone imp...:D

anyways

i am not thinking beyond it!

Fates!

dont come after me... for where i go only i can go!

be strong enuf to find ur own path!

i dont change anything abt me for others and i dont wish u to change anything for me.

u will meet me there if we are reaching out for the same thing if not, we shall never meet!

When you have had enuf!

let the tears come and fall... they wont do as much bad as the screams and shouts and rants! when both are to make things come to u faster its always better to let some tears fall then some remarks hurled around! God loves tears more then anger filled rants to say the same thing!

its never assured that these tears will be lessened for the future... but nor it is promised that the need to be angry will be minimized either!

one saves the damage one causes it further!

Doubting you!

Its when i see ur smile my heart says... thats the person i loved! and still want to love

and when i see u in pain my heart says thats the person i loved, and i wish to make feel better, can i, for i must be by his side...

but its when i see u in a mindset to conquer something and walk the path not meant for me... i start doubting can u be the person i am bound to love

and my heart doubts along... not enuf to walk away from you... but enuf to not take that step and close the distances between us.

My Head!

my head is complicated specy...it wants to make every easy thing complicated and then has its moments and fun sorting it out.... thus helps me utilize my endless time on this earth feeling wonderful thinking dreaming, planning, analysing, experimenting, discussing, asking, questioning every tom dick and harry:) investigating,wondering reflecting learning understanding and sighing aha now i get it, and feeling like its some kind of a detective here on a mission impossible!:)

but it wont ever go to the person who has the answers... as it thinks he will kill the fun telling me wat it is and taking out the suspense making life like a movie u already know the end... and then u hardly ever watch it with interest nor find any twists which can make u use ur head!

and i dont want to grow old that fast!

Know!

My emptiness may lead me to u but its when i am full and i come to u when u should feel good abt urself, for then u r the reason why i am there not my emptiness!

we may get a chance to fill ourselves with anything that is around... but when we say no to them while say yes to u... u are then in demand!

but as soon as u will get a competition u may lose attention... unless you are solid and dont lose ur grounds for when u do... there is only one thing u may have -

a great fall down!

Egypt... wud u let me in... cuz i want to come! pls!

so i come to read some good stuff, stuff that wud do the thing... but nope i dont find any good ones!

none of the topics or captions catch me...

and i say so wat if u cant find something wat u want to read u can write something that u want to read


and so i do as my mind suggests

i write wat i may like reading with awe bringing me up catching my attention drawing me to itself and then bringing on my lips a smile , twinkle in my eyes, make my heart beat a little faster, make me feel beautiful, make life filled with excitement, colors, entusiasm and passion which is lacking....


so i write wat i wud like to do or want right now...


i would like to vist ur place...and inform ur friend armand i am here and want to meet him... and then when he comes to get me...

i share with him my plan....and ask him to let me stay at his place while i do the most craziest ideas...

this is one thing

second... i do as i am hoping to do...

go vist misr (egypt cairo) right now i cant because i havent got the raza letter needed.

but i still go without it and enter the city... and go for ziarat of imam husain... and go to faiz and tell them i am here now... and without raza but u see i waited so long and didnt come... now u cant let me be all alone in this strange land... and consider my case especially and dont be mean or angry instead be understanding and let me live with u all... and enroll me in....

my bros though show me a different picture they say... u will reach there... they wont let u enter without that letter you will then be stranded on the airport...

i say fine... they will give me food and water... who knows after a day they look at my innocent face and stop being cruel and let me in... to which he says wat if they give u a bad treatment... and tried scaring me wat if the cab driver takes u to the wrong place... and who will then be there u cud call for help...

i said i will call my cousin who is already there... he can atleast let me reach a safe place... and he says... wat if he doesnt come... or u cant get in touch with him or wat if he turns his face... since he is already having enuf room for himself... to which i said... if he ever turns his face on me... he will then see wat i do with him...

so anyways... they tried making me a pussy as much as they cud... and now i am still not sure whether going without the raza letter is a wise thing or not... definitely not the wisest thing but u need to be clever sometimes when the ghee doesnt come out with the right finger... and then may be if i go there... imam husain wont just let me face all the trouble alone... i know he will surely come for my rescue... and then maula is there too!

i will call them and they will come like super man to save me... if i get in trouble... which i hope i never get...

at most wat they will do is wont let me enter the city and ask me to go back to pakistan.... since i wont have the return ticket for that day...they will have to fugure out themselves....

besides i will be reciting salawat all the time... reciting all thsoe great prayers that take away all the trouble ... nothing will happen....

but if i reall look deep in my heart... it wants me to do the dare ... only that its not the truth and dare wali dare... and thinking i am the same girl who used to even fear those dares and thus always chose truth.... makes me wonder am i ready for taking such a dare...

and what if maula dont come to rescue saying... if u do stupid things dont ask me to come to rescue... i told u not to come without raza now deal with it urself...

:(

but even though i know he can say that... i do know in my hearts of heart... he will slap me later but he will come to rescue...cuz i am stupid he is not:D

and he is there to help stupids like me to be safe! rather then teach a lesson!

Right maula?

atleast thats how i feel!

but i know if my brothers know this... they will not agree! even though in thier hearts of hearts they wud like this to be true! cuz they are scared beings!

Neele Neel Amber Per

if u wish to date me:) and want it to be a hit for life...

make sure i listen to this song while i am with u! and yes we must be alone and i shud feel safe!

who knows it may increase ur chances to win my heart!

a secret i am sharing with all those who may be interested, except him... who already has my heart:D


Neele Neele Amber Per (On the dark blue sky when the moon comes out)




oh yes, this is not the only criteria... but this will win u way more favors then those who wudnt!

you can try with girls u wish to mate... incase they are made of the same fibre as i am this may get u lucky

:D

How Far

how far you would go to find urself! thats precisely what i will be traveling to find u!:) how long wud u wait to unite with urself! thats precisely how long i will wait to be with u!

for finding u is finding me! the more i will keep myself away from u... the more i will suffer!

i may have learned to live pain! and it may have grown lesser with time, i will never let it die for with it the need for me for myself will die!

My life is to serve!

1- God and his apostles and his devotees who work for him. that is precisely Maula for now! His word is as Good as Gods word for me.

2- My parents and kin who have been there for me every sec of their lives

3- My man and my future family, who aren't here yet but who shall get my full support when ever they make their entry

4- Salman Khan and his foundation!

5- and all those who i feel are deserving of my services as and when they need them!

What do i get in return... treasures that cant be explained in words! for having these folks who don't fail to please my heart is the greatest boon for me.

Salman fever is gone, Salman's message must be lived!

Salman Khan talks about his trust Being Human, his inspiration and his plan for the foundation.Salman tells, “My trust, the Being Human Foundation, is an inspiration from my parents. It works to help people who need aid. Currently, we have not asked for monetary help from anyone. I only take money frommy close friends and family and meet all the other funding requirements on my own. I am in the process of setting up a website for the trust and the idea is to make money for charity from the website. We’ll be selling things like bracelets signed by me, my paintings, sketches, clothes I’ve worn in my films. We’ll put it all for sale and the proceeds will go towards the charity. It’s a good feeling to see a child smile soon after being close to not living. I have been blessed by God who has given me so much, I don’t just want to lend my face to a cause; I want to be there and support it in as many ways I can. I want to teach people that the biggest gift in the world you can give to anyone is to be human.

if we all strive being like him, the world surely will become the liveliest place there is!

Rebel in the family!

i fear my younger bro:) one look from him and i know i am in trouble!:) actually all three can throw those glaring looks once a while and i smile sheepily... they wanting to hit me bad! i am the rebel! one person they can never be sure of... with her mind she is a total nut for them to alwyas worry abt:) but after the heat is over and the screaming is down... we are laughing on each other herkats or dil chahta hai songs along!:) our similar taste in music and jokes is the line drawer between us:D

My ideas btw are 360 degree opposite to theirs... u can imagine the kind of ordeal i have to face getting them to be calm around me:)

People!

who am i faithful to? those who think i am faithful will be able to tell this ...

who do i love? those who think i love them will be able to tell u this

Who do i care for? a lot of ppl at lot of times

who do i adore? a lot

who do i cherish? a lot

who do i go for help to? mom, bros, maula, God and some more family members

who do i need? Him probably

Who do i want? him probably

who do i look up to? Maula,

who do i listen to? Maula

who do i idolise? no one completely

who do i trust? Maula

Who i will obey unconditionally? Maula

Who do i run to!

I wnat to run from ppl, who scare me to death, when they try stealing my dreams, i have cherished and protected more then my life...

they dont 3want me to win, not want my love to be realised... all they care is to break my will and loosen my strength that i give in to their demands and give up...

and i so want to run to someone for protection but they all open their arms waiting to devour me... and i run no more... only close my doors and pant and wait for this nightmare to end...

and i dont know how long will i remain closed to the world scared from everyone wanting to harm me, by taking away from me the sweetest reason why i want to be here in the first place...

cant live without that! I just cant!

Salman Fever! Is it on the downfall!

What he does for the world will always be applauded... what he has done for the pained souls and his clean intentions... he will never lose his respect in my eye.... but for a few traits that can make him low... he will lose some of it if not all... and if he continues on the path... gaining more height in the negative front... he may lose more with time...

But the fact i only approve him for the goodness never for the bad... on the bad part i am more understanding of him...which happens when u cant forsake a person for the wrong disregarding the good he is doing... we all are partly good and partly bad... some are bad more then good some are good more then good... some dont care for good, some only care for good...

I have faith in him! but whether he knows how to keep faith and remain faithful, thats his part of the equation...

My feelings are for a certain reason...And they would end with that reason being no more...

So if i adore you today... and dont tomorrow... its something in me and u changing that did it... and its possible...

My adoration for u... if makes u happy today... will make u unhappy tomorrow... so dont rely much on it...

Rely instead on ur own truth... and protect it... for once lost you will be be deprived of that base without which u are like a broken kite, whose destiny is amongst the bushes torn and forsaken!

But as long as you hold hard to that truth... no matter wat winds come and go... u will keep that way thriving and glorified!\

I am lonely without you.

Nothing scares me more then losing possibility to get in touch with u... to know the ways to reach you are not being narrowed down for me... and extinct... even if i hardly make contact, nor u listen, nor u pay attention, nor u reply...

for as long as i can see ur face, and know a few things... i feel my breath comes good, for a little fear of losing u for good makes them come short....


was it like that for you too... i think yes... not for me but the one you loved.

So if i am not really interested in marrying you, dont even trust you to be the right guy for me, dont even think i can forgive u and forget the past events...cant even know if i will treat u with the same awe and love and respect like i did, why i cant let you go and forget all abt you...

Its really kiddish of me to hold on to you for some desire to never be empty of u...

may be this stupid kiddishness will cost me my future and life...

Is it worth it... when u are all past me... to hang on to your thoughts your name, your hope, your desire ... when u are so out of reach, not even worth the chase...

I have no idea where is this leading me and why?

i wish i cud ask Maula now to erase you and everything of u from my mind heart and soul cleanse me like i never knew you, like u never happened...

i know if he helps me... it can happen.... and clean this mirror for another face, one that is bound to stay there for ever...

for i dont blv in short term, bound to end things

Not permanent!

Dont say i am a gem! Dont be impressed by my personality and looks! Dont look up to me now...Dont take me as final... my journey isnt over... it has but started... dont take me for my word i havent proved my worth yet... wat i say i am on i may never get there... wat i make u blv abt me now may not be true...i am not yet tested with the worst times to show u my reality... i am still unexposed and when i get fully expose u may not blv wat u see... so dont bother trusting me... cuz i dont as yet! if there is one u must trust... its who i trust with closed eyes! and open heart... and he is but one!i guarantee u he will never fail u even if u will a thousand times!

Every time you say i am a gem, you make me happy...i feel good in myself...but be ready to be disappointed for i am not unchangeable yet! i am not permanent!

Tell me God! Allah the exalted!

Tell me God what you have in store for me...

Lead me to what you think i deserve ... whats meant for me

dont let me be the judge of my life and chooser of my destiny

You be the judge and decide wats best for me...

Lead me to the place where i can be in one piece

lead me to my real self, the self i was seperated from when i made that sin

you didnt just took my home from me... you also took away the vision and sight to be able to recognize it ...

and that i beleive has been my greatest punishement ever to be unable to see and acknowledge and recognize wat was my own once my keepsake, my everything!

What was the last thing u sent my way, for me

did i bow down to u in gratefullness and took it to my heart and placed it in my heart with the utmodt dedication and devotion or did i ruled it out, ignored and dumped it saying thats not worthy of me....

Did i took it to my soul and united it with me in a bond of eternal love and obedience or did i casted it out, looking down on it, running away from its reach

Would u not then stop sending your blessings to me, if i have disappointed you...for i dont want you to favor me, if i have not been true to u, true to my word and promise to u...to my birth and my existence...

I know not God my need to exist, they say i was born to obey you to serve you to praise you and to devote my self to you...

I beleive it or may be i dont... if i do its cuz it makes sense to me... if i dont may be cuz it doesnt... and i now clearly know how men and what men makes sense of something...

What ever he thinks he wants desire or feel akin to becomes understood, wat ever he cannot take or feel good abt he misunderstands and rreject and doubts...

arent we clever God.... but can we ever be able to fool our hearts, souls and minds and You...


So i on this truth and understanding place myself out in open to not just you but all those ppl... who have me in their lives, who rely on me, depend on me, need me, have me,so that they can know what i am...

If you are the ultimte judge for me... the decider of my fate... then why shud i worry abt any one else...

So do as you wish with me... make me as u wish goes right for me...for my mind can think and find u... everything else its you who needs to show to me.....

Show me the right way to continue this long journey... all i care is for the path to lead me to you... to win your favor and approval... everything else i dont care, if u dont wish it for me...dont destine for me...

i can share forever with u and still it wudnt be enuf!

hi

are you mad at me for being disrespectful or saying wat i did... well actually u can be... cuz i am mad for all u did wrong... for the right things i still have a warm spot for u and faith that one day it will surpass and outlive the wrong ... but its a long way to go...:) and u r not alone... we all are on the same journey... i may not be as wrong as u... but i am still wrong... with some ppl... and if they had not been so deadly in love with me and forgiving ... i wud have been doomed by now...

i wish u well in life ... like i always did... and i guess you are doing fine... i am fine too... not perfectly fine... which i never was nor ever will be... and even if i end up being so in a moment... it wont remain so forever...


i met this person from india who is an outstanding person and writer... and imaginative...it has been truly a wonderful expeirence coming across him. and i realise i miss being friends with u...but if u were not a guy or someone i cant be with other then for marriage reasons... i wud have gladly been your friend and not let my limitations become expectaitions....

but i guess God has other plans for me and i am totally cool with wat ever they are...


its when they choice part comes and he gives me reign to be the decision maker i kind of panic and do both good and bad things...but with no right mind... but never a bad heart!

why is it this way, why God created so many restrictions to be with u... that i can only be with u if i marry u and care for u... and am cared by you and be faithfull to u and be loved back by u with earnestness and sincerity...

if i had not wanted this for myself... and if i cud be with u... like those indians guys and gals who find it so easy to say their heart out and still keep in a limit... and know they will not ever go beyond it... with u i never cud form those limits and wasnt it this fear i wud have never feared being with u... even for once... and i guess neither wud have u...

God i wish i can find a way out of this...

:(

Priyanshu Chatterjee and my analyzations!

I know you guys don't care abt my love affairs... :D

But i care and this blog represents wat i care for not you... so no donuts for u if u came looking for them:)

i deeply care abt everyone of them... with my heart and soul... for when you touch me, i mean my heart:) for that's precisely where u need to hit me hard, if you ever want to be anywhere around me...

Now i fell in love with his character, or the fact that it was he who played it... and since i dont have a chance to ever know if anyone cud have ever been there in his place to really win the same place in my mind or heart i call it...

I cant say, as the movie wont be coming out again, with somone else in it... so call it fate or luck or coincidence, or wat ever...he is someone i ...........


fill in the blank with what ever word you can think for it doesnt matter, whether u get wat i am trying to say, cuz you never can truly get wat i will be saying....

so i have a thing for him... juts like i have a thing for salman khan, and the person i was wishing to get married to, and the previous two... before him... who i had same ideas for...
i have a precise thing for each one of them... but none of them matches the other... and thats a thing too...:D

haina kehani mein twist...

Admiration, fascination, love, attraction, likeness, interest, affection, devotion, ishq(dont know its English word for it...:) probably English ppl are devoid of experiencing such feeling and state to be able to invent a word for it... but please be comfortable sharing your knowledge and wisdom with me... both of which differ in meaning.) adroation, need, desire, want, wish, faith, hope, wonder, enthusiasm, ectasy yes i have felt that too! but no pls dont think its same for all of us...

What if i told u that the color u see when u say red is green when i say it... how cud u test, if green means green and not red...:P

like wat looks like green to you is actually looking red to me but i use the same name for it that is green.. but what u see in green is red for me...:P

lol!

enuf of confusing you all... i like doing that to myself and i never reach to the right conculsion... not that it matters to my health to ever reach a conclusion in these cases anyways...


But these are the feelings i have felt in my life...:D so a big cheers for me :)


So now i will share something with you all

I feel ....... for (That guy in my life) and he will always be there for as long as i live here and beyond... i am bonded to him for life long for my part... dont know abt him...

I feel ...... for Salman Khan... (why? some of it is clear some of it not)

I feel ...... for rhitik .... (bendey mein depth hai)

I feel ..... for priyanshu ....( the fact that he resemble Dawood so much...:D someone i cared for a lotttttttt! and it got complicated... cuz my expressions of that care fell short of showing anything great ever:( but well what we had is engraved in my heart, and wat we didnt have was a bliss in its own way... and i am glad it is that way... oh so may be priyanshu wud have not made so much of the mark on me... if he didnt resemble dodi so much...

I feel nothing for Dodi (Dawood) but wish him the best. we are through in the friends way... but thats the best thing in its own way... its best for him and thats all that matters to me cuz it cant be bad for me, if its best for him... and i shall ensure that remains so for the rest of our lives...God bless him... and i dont know if he wants a kid bad... but i wish if he does, God grant him the wish and make him a father soon ameen!:)he has been married now for quite some time:) i hope he is crazy happy in his life.. i so wish!

My endless respects for the following always

Amir Khan

and well that is all coming to my mind...


Have you realised by now that those who continue to strive and stay in the scene, are never really forgotten... cuz their presence becomes hard to ignore...

so blame me not if i havent named anyone who is a Pakistani and alive...

consistency is the name of the game...integrity is the name of the game, striving to keep to the stands you feel closely too is the name of the game...

and i beleive those i admire or those who have left either a deep or positive mark on me on every countenance of mine get this limelight spot in my heart....

your absence wont matter to me... or will make me forget you if your presence hasnt failed to wow me or plastered something strong one me.... and thats true for everyone of those who hit me hard... most of them happen to be men... so yes yay to the man folks...you surely rock my ship and keep my life here pleasant most! and youa re indeed a boon of God for me...


anyways thats it for tonite probably, these are some of the ppl i admire, but i wanst born with... those i am born with are a class apart!:)

doomed with them forever:P

P.S

What if i was told all these ppl i am being fascinated by are actually going to be closely related to me in the after life... like may be they all end up being my family members:D asuming this only!

OK!

I came across a person who has it all

the sensitivity , the expressions, the looks, the attitude, the coolness the hautiness, and all the ingredients one can wish in a guy, one cud befriend to feel something real after a long long wait...

but he is an indian and he is probably friends with girls of all kinds, and when u look closely, you can see a lot of other things which make it a not so possible person to connect and have a bond with wat so ever...

so what u do, is you tell urself, you probably are a flirt, cuz its now a tenth time you think u have come across a real dude...

and i ask myself why not?

even if i am married with one real guy, the possibilty there are thousands of real guys around the globe and i come across them is not a sin....

but arent u contented with the one you have that you find urself, desiring knowing more of them...and i say... the one i shud have been contented with is probably not contented with me... and i cant be a fool to not let my heart meet and be happy in presence of other and acknowledge soemthing beautiful, rather then hating myself for being pleased...

but the fact this very thing may not be taken as positively by me if my partner was having such feelings for his female friends and fans...

which makes me wonder, why human heart cannot make a choice and stick to it without being pleased by others....

if u can ask me to close myself to everone but the one i am marrying or giving my reigns to...i shud be able to do it... given the man i marry, must not have anyone other then me to please himself... which is not true for men who are allowed to have as many as 4 women at a time...

now all i ask... is it a sin to be attracted by more then one man at a time...or admiring them, or being fascinated by them

hmmm?

God will surely answer me in time... for he is the answerer, but dont give me this one word, its from God, so must not be questioned... for it looks fake to me...

i am not questioning God i am trying to undertsanding why this is right for man wrong for woman?

Last Resort or First

when nothing works, last resort is to ask God to do it! but i now reach to God as soon as something doesn't work or i face a problem and i am not sure wat to do and don't want to wander a lot! it feels great to reach out and know he is there, but is that right to do to ask help so often from God? cuz i do know he listens even if he ignores sometimes based on the kind of thing i am asking for help!:) at times i can be pretty stupid with the kind of questions i ask!

i know he wud sometimes hold his head in his hands listening to my bla blas...

well i am stupid i know.... but how else am i going to learn.... besides he is not like humans to tell me off when wat i am asking is not wat they want to talk abt, or he doesnt have an answer for my high level asnswers, he never tells me off... i can go to him as often as i like and he still wont be tired of my questioning and stupidity, nor will be short of the answers i require... cuz he knows me and wat i am capable of ever asking... remember all i have is God gifted yes including that brain and heart and soul i so lavishly shove around! and yes my looks too... he cud have created me an ugly hag and i cud cry all day long but gladly and thankfully he created me in the best shape possible for a person like me, so i cant be grateful enuf for all the bounties i so lavishly use...

But how God ends up being there for me is something i cant expect from anyone out here, not even my bros, not that they wud mind having super powers to make my world perfect, but still its not possible for them to have them! so i often think then why wud i need any of u except that life will be pretty frightening without u all, even though i know its God who sends help for me, you ppl ensure i dont get in a place of danger alone in the first place !

the fact that i am looking for someone who wud listen to me, undertsand me, answer me, and explain it so well to me... is may be a need i shud let go... for wat if u cant fulfill this criteria ever...

does that mean u are incapable of getting my approval and love...

the fact i need God, more then anyone still remains true... but the fact that i need to say yes to a man and move on with him on the path to God, take his hand and start to build a world i possibly cant make alone even if Gods there with me every second of my life...is something i shud always remember, but my incapability get married lies in the fact that i cant understand wat is right enuf to expect from a man... and who that man shud be?

who is going to tell me that if not my heart, if not God? and if not you Maula?

My mom and dad, my bros, my friends, or those countless ppl who think they know wats right for me more then i ever can know cuz they are more experienced and lived more yrs here then me...

duh!

See i know who can help me... god, myself and Maula...

anyone else... first pls get help for urself then come to help me ok!

I am not indestructible... but i am definitely not a fool to not know who is my right aide and source of knowledge and wisdom in this world:)

Jub se tum aayey nazar mein!

Khoya Khoya rehta hai dil

Dherkeno see aaj yeh kya chupke chuke kehta hai dil:)


Why these mysteries!

Fiction, who me?

"Why read fiction when you got a life like mine!:) since you have happened, my life has twists and turns that make every fiction boring!


So my bro asks me " why not give what you have to the world, you can make a difference in so many lives, why not do soemthing...

and i said... let me make a difference in mine and then surely i shall do it to others!

i had promised once to make a difference in urs and Gulabs!

i want this

i shall have this

let God make his own way for me to follow and acheive myt objectives...

but before that i need to clear myself on wat they are and be sure they are worth giving it all!

Can anyone recommend me a person who inspires you a lot and who u think i can learn a lot from and must work with! please!

i am not looking for a job, i am looking for a man i can work for!

Bad girl!:(

not happy with myself again!:( if i am the only person in my way !i still cant kill myself, nor convince or motivate myself to step out... nor can fool it into distracting nor force it and shove it to the side... nor pursuade it , nor influence it, nor argue with it and win over... not even order or request, nor get others to help, so i wud rather wait for something out of the blue to do the due one fine day!

Don't Teach me!

i am not disrespectful, i have knowledge! and i only let u know that in my own natural way. sorry if that hurt ur feelings, to hurt anyone is not my intention... but if u come in my way... u will get hurt! that much i know!

yesterday night was EPIC!

I Want to remember what happened!:)

i started with my eldest bro wanted to have a word and then the rest of my bros joined in... and we spend the whole night on the bed 4 of us... oblivion of every thing and everyone else... trying to understand each other and making the other understand... and i was the base reason for the whole discussion...

and although i listened seriously to all of them... and i counterstrike all their questions doubts and worried... i still know wat i was happy abt was that we all were able to bring it all out in the open... our feelings, our concerns and our love for each other...

as we grow up and leave home making lives for ourselves... we at times cannot keep the same flame of friendship and love alive... it gets fading over time... if we dont tend it very closely....

nothing makes me more happy but the fact that all my brothers are knitted together in a strong bond... thats unbreakable here and beyond...

the fact that we can scream at each other feel bad abt the comments made, and things said and yet laugh crazily helping us know this one fact nothing can be as big as wat we have between us... nothing can come between us...

and yes i know why they all did it... cuz they want the best for me... want to see me happy settled in life and since they all think they are males and more able to give a better solution then me myself... cuz i am girl... i for once was able to make them know its never abt the gender but the soul...

i have a heart and mind... and yes i am weak... but not that i am helpless and cannot help myself without anyone .... i need you guys but not that i can hear u all without using my own brain and seeing if wat u r suggesting is good for me or not and i have a SAY... I have a RIGHT to this SAY and i have a RIGHT to CHOOSE!

:)

What also i was able to see and which made me feel glad and comforted was that where i was and wnated my bros to be they all were coming on their own paces... we were united on the most basic level and atleast if we were all not there... we were on the same path....

we all were headed for the same place... and thus... i can know this discussion and night was indeed one that was lucky, and benefitting to all of us...


What we had is a night long discussion that was finally called off ayt 5: 30 am in the morning... when we heart the morning Azan....

and then it was surely time to sleep

we were all together this way after a gap of 6 yrs... it was definiutely a feeling of reliving our childhood when we were living in the same home... and used to have discussion every day

now with all out there...this is indeed a great thing...

The only Reason why i said yes!

To you was cuz i was not able to say it to anyone else... no seriously thats the only reason

but for every other reason under the sun... it has been a no, a big Fat loud, NOooooooo!

and i do think abt wat u say... when u ask why u love me?...

i have no crazy idea, other then u r the only one i was able to say yes to... and stick on it for this long but for every other reason that i search and find, its a big NOooooo...

I am not sorry for any thing... not for the yes or for the numerous nos... but once my cousin brother (a married man) said something to me, when i was feeling sad regretting saying no to a guy who wanted to marry me...

He said
Girl, there are thousand reasons to say a no, but only one reason to say a yes...:)

i guess he was right... cuz there is but only one good reason... and that reason is strong enuf to deal with all the nos that i keep coming at, convincing me to stop and forget, and throw u away... and that reason still keeps winning!

Shit you Got me! Can i play this round again... ? and why i feel i still wud want it to be u!


i know one more round or thousand more rounds... i have this feeling i will only say yes to u!

Dont ask me ppl... may be i am nuts, may be i lost my sense or something strange happened with me that day... it was enuf to make me lose my senses to understand , analyse, realize think, calculate, and i made this pact keeping God the witness.... and now i have this whole life and eternity to know the reason why?... Don't I

and no dont think i love u... i am mad at u! and i wish i cud confront u and do everything that i wish wud clear my heart and soul of u! i am.... (the word for this has not been discovered)


I am going through this... but i know i wrote every bit of this fate for myself...through my thinking and deeds!

So pls dont sympathize with me.... i am still the creator and writer of my life, so wat i cant write more then ur name yet and not a solution for the problem we are facing!

Letter to Amir Khan!

Read it but dont judge dont care, dont think and dont remember

For this alone never defines me, but a phase and a moment i was in... broken and believing all at once


amir... if this is the real u... please i wud like to work with you on one of ur films... i can come to india...

kids make me laugh juts like ur interviews... but as soon as they are over the smile vanishes.... i know among so many ppl.... u dont really need to give me a chance cuz a thousands deserve it more than me... but i need it... juts once my family though donot deserve to go through my pain .they want quick fixes and i never believe in them... i beleive in fighting for something till my last breath...cuz i know and believe... even when everyone else dont...

u live my dreams by making movies like tare zameeen per, and following ur heart... and never quitting in what u truly beleive in ur heart... u give me that faith that life isnt always abt getting and results but abt living ur best bet and not regretting. so here i am asking u to give me a chance to work side by side... i am a good singer... i can dance... though i cannot come in movies but i wud like to have a dance with u and madhuri and salman and shahrukh :) its my wish to meet u, shahrukh, salman khan and madhuri... i love the rest as much but u ppl have a special place...and it will be like a big dream come true... god bless u...
may u always keep beleiving in the power of love, allah and keep bringing smiles and hopes in the heart of many ... i do belive life has no guarantee... and though i still feel there are years to live... i may not stay as young and vibrant as i am now... so i wnat this to happen sooner then later...

love and best wishes... Love



u know... i have lost my only dream... and with it the will to survive... but i know i cant die... cuz a lot of ppl life is dependant on me... may be if i work with you i get another spark to make me move through a few more days in peace ad happiness and vigor and enthusiasm... i ahve always been a very happy kid. but with him gone as if all my smiles and laughter and cheerfullness went away... i know its where he is... and they will return back with him... which i beleive he will he has to... in this life or next cuz i know deep down... i love him... but while he is away which can be may be forever... i wud like to give my mom, and nani my smiles... cuz they deserve it... they hate to see me lost... but i cant seem to find anything worth being happy abt and its hard to pretend around them...
his thoughts make me smile and cry and sometimes i feel i am going crazy... but i dont wnat to give up just now and lose this battle... cuz i know... allah is near to me he ;loves me and i am in this world to let ppl know he exists and he is more powerful and love is more powerful then anything..:)
.. and i want to make this for him... infact everything in my life is for him... he is lost too... and has lost faith ... i want to return it to him... cuz until he doesnt rest i cant...

ooooo i love this... now wont u guys scream along with me!

yESSSSSS! I am loving itttttt!:D


Yo!

cool boys where are u hidin?

OK Gals, if u r cool get on board! be Cool!

its ok to get a bit heavy once in a while... but then its time to chillll!!!!!

I can do without your love! but can't do without love!

But i cannot, will not, must not, hell not do without you!:)

thats the conclusion of today and a realization i wont be easily subsiding... why else u think i can deal with all that u have put me through!


.....

.....

....

side A ends here
Change side, stance thought!


Me: oh wait! stay here! dont go out!

He: why?

Me: you dont know but there are ppl to get u... and u must be protected...

He: oh really!

Me: yes ... dont ask all the questions now... just wait for a little time... pls...

you dont know how much u mean to this world... the more good u do ehre the more tough the going gets for u...and the more u r bound to be asked to leave the path of good... and the more u resist the more pain will come ur way... and the more pain u get will weaken ur resolve...

its rare that u can stand all that pain and still be as great and wonderful as u r...

now dont be too scared....

as long as u dont think too much of wats being said and feel its real u are still good.

He: then why did u tell me this...

Me: actually u r rite... i shudnt have... but then how will u know i care for u!:) and its ok to come to me when time is hard!

forget even this...

just know u r not alone! even if u r asked to think u r... dont heed that thought... as long as i am with u... u r not alone!:)

He: and how long are u going to be there...


Me: if i will ever leave i will leave a lot of prayers for u... that will keep u safe... and give u companion for ur loneliness...but for that to work... u will ahve to promise me or well not promise me... just know u shud always be doing the right thing...

my effectiveness will weaken as u will do and keep doing wrong!

as long as u do it with a good heart and honest self... u will eb able to find me ... or someone like me always!

now

i think its ok for u to go out...


smiles


He: hey wats ur name?
Me: Farida! they call me Farida!
He: nice meeting you Farida!

she with a smile keeping back those tears telling him dont forget me... for you are one of the best things that happened around here for me and i wud like to see more of every going day!

He not undertsanding that gesture... looks a bit at me... smiles harder and disappears in the crowd, in the life that awaits him!

She is on her own again!:) wondering wat to do next?

The meeting with our TNC

A lil background!

I am a dawoodi bohra. We like to keep to our community for various reasons including the preservance of our faith! We are muslims and we are bohras.

So we have a system TNC which is a committe that works internationally helping bohras meet bohras for matrimonial reasons... we hold meetings where potential, ready to marry guys and gals meet... and have chat... counselors are there to undertsand ur preferences so they cud help u find the right match based on ur preference...

this is one of such meeting where a guy is telling his preference in the mate he wants to settle down with... and i find it hilarious to undertsanding... cuz i beleive i have preferences and we all have a right to have them...whether we end up finding someone based on them is totally a luck...

so i am not sure if this guy will be lucky until he fails a lot and finally gives up on his ideals:D

sharing for a flavor... :)


Diary of the Dawoodi Bohra Romeo | Monday 12th
“So, I understand you have been having some…difficulties?” says my new Taiseer-un-Nikah Committee (TNC) counsellor as she sips a cup of masala chai. She asks the question with arched eyebrows and a knowing look and I suspect she has heard the rumours that I am a “problem” case. This is my first meeting with her but not my first TNC counsellor - unfortunately I had to let the first one go due to poor performance and a bad attitude and the second one said she had to let me go for the same reasons!!! But anyway, seeing as it is my first time with her I want to get off to a good start and make a positive impression - after all, she could be the key to my future happiness!

We had started filling the bio-data form earlier in the evening and it had gone relatively smoothly. I have a good education, good job, my own flat, and am from a large and well-established family with a green chitti – all ticks there!

She seemed like a nice Aunty, although we didn't have the same sense of humour because when I mentioned that the dadi in my passport photo made me look like a young Che Guevara and that I would sell well in the Cuban Bohra market (Che che? hahah), she didn't even come close to cracking a smile - she just gave me a strange look and asked what my watan was and whether I had any bad habits!

Me: Watan is East African and I prefer the same and no Aunty, I don’t have any bad habits, although I don't mind celebrating with the occasional Cuban...

Aunty: (snapping): Stop this Cuban nonsense - we don’t have any girls there OK. I can speak to someone about the Miami jamaat.

Me: No I meant….oh never mind…

Aunty: What age do you want?

Me: Well I need to meet someone who is 24-26. That way I can get them knocked up and they can have the first kid before they are 30. Here’s the maths – it will take me a year to get to know them, a year to arrange a wedding, and I want to be married for 2 years before I have a kid. Plus the younger, the more malleable, it’s too hard to teach a 29-30 year old to treat me like God, believe me I’ve tried!

Aunty (outraged): Astaghfirullah! You are not God, who do you think you are!

Me (backtracking): Sorry, bad choice of words...

**There is a pause for a while as Aunty gives me a severe glare and takes a deep breath**

Aunty: What height are you looking for?

Me: OK, I can go as low as 5’3 but prefer taller. But let’s talk about looks. No mingers please. No darkies, no big noses, no bad teeth, no overweight girls, no lazy eyes, no skin conditions, no..

Aunty (interrupting): Why don’t you go to Bollywood and marry Bipashu Basu?

Me: Yes, well that’s not really the feedback I’m looking for....Anyway, Bipashu is actually a lot darker than she looks in the movies, she uses Fair and Lov..

Aunty (interrupting again): Oh so you are too good for Bipashu now…who do you think you are, Casanova?

Me: Well, these girls could do a lot worse! I’ve seen the quality of guys out there!! Anyway, let’s get back to location. I think it’s important to live in the same city as a girl to get to know them properly so I only want London girls! And please no freshies', they’re just on a totally different level, you know?

Aunty (indignant): No I don’t know. Look, in our culture you get to know the girl properly after marriage.

Me: Hmm, interesting, but I prefer before…

**At this point Aunty is just shaking her head and muttering something I can’t hear under her breath**

Aunty: What about her education?

Me: Ah yes, I need a university educated girl with a good professional career like a pharmacist, optician, dentist, or GP...no bankers or lawyers because they work long hours and I need my wife to be home early to make dinner for me and the bambino’s!. Oh yeah, she has to be a good cook.

Aunty: OK….and what about deen?

Me: Always good… in moderation, but no ridha’s please, they're an acquired taste.
So, I think I’ve given you a pretty good idea of what our starting point should be - what do you think?

Aunty (referring to notes): So, you want a tall, beautiful, fair, liberal, 25 year old girl from an East African family who lives in London, is a pharmacist and who can cook?

Me (happy): Exactly, we're on the same page!

Aunty (dispirited): OK, don’t call me I’ll call you....

Excellent! I think we made a lot of progress and can’t wait to hear back. Between her and all the new girls that have signed up on www.findabohra.com (“FAB”), I’m sure I can find someone I like - feeling positive!!!


:D

Afternoon blues!

All asleep but me... its great to watch them oblivion of any care lost in a peaceful place... and i dont care if they like to stay there for as long as they want...:D and me here like a bat in the after noon! i hate to sleep in the afternoons... unless i am already sleeping... but when i wake up its a bad feeling! a guilt and loser kind feeling!:D

afternoons have always been the most unbearable time of my life... at work yes i never had any afternoons they were part of the morning only! why were afternoons created... may be if u can watch a good movie in that slot or listen to something great... or may be have a yoga class u can really make the best of that time... but otherwise its the most pathetic time of the day for me....

afternoon blues!

i am a girl and i like guys a lot!:D

its the truth that except for my brothers who i am pretty close to and never recognize as another gender!

i actually admire men more then woman i meet regularly...

from my best freinds, to ppl i can converse for hours and not get bored... its man who has the charm for me...

men who have made me who i am... and man who i owe a lot to... men who make me laugh and smile and men who make me cry and bang my head on walls, men who make me secure and protected and man who make me want to run and hide from...

those men who i avoid and dont wnat anything to do with are the ones.. who actually make men a bad thing! the rest all make me feel like the best thing happened around here


i know guys you might think the same abt the girls u have met... i know we need to understand we blend the best with each other and gays and lesbians are liars or worriers for no reason....

nothing against them but they are those who limit life... u cant give birth if u marry...

anyways men i was talking abt

from thos ecute hunks u cant take ur eyes off... to those mysterious serious head down ones... who give one look at u and ur world stirs and u have to make it stable again by... looking away and making them less powerful then they are...

hahaha! recalling one such incidence... and wondering where those feelings come from...

and then u see those creative ppl, from actors to singer, to directors, to entertainers, to poets, to , musicians, to dancers to politicians...

i mean u have them in thousands and millions,

so many faces and smiles and eyes capture ur mind...everyone interesting and exciting in thier own ways...having their own tune...

each different from other yet similar in so many ways...

from rhitik, to amir to salman, to amitabh, to imran khan, to imran khan, to quaide azam,to brothers,

some i have spend hours with some a wink with...

yet they all had been good in thier ways....


Man make my world go round! and the fact there are endless... and each better and different then other... gives me a hard time deciding... kon beneyga mera pati!:)

hehe!

Cuz its when i am given that question i cannot decide who i shud give the honour and who i beleive can give me the honour... with no desire for rethinking!

aah... does it matter if i cant decide and the made decision isnt giving me wat it shud have!

i dont think so!

let God settle that for me... i will be fine with His choice which will be the ultimate!

I am sad!

I never regretted anything but now i am regretting something abt myself.

My mom has been kind and loving and she is a mom so i can expect that from her.

But i cant expect everyone to be so around me especially those who havent known and loved me so much.

My anger fits when they happen make me say wat ever i feel like. and when its over all i know is ashes of a once beautiful thing...

But no... i never get angry on the right thing... Its wrong i cannot handle... Its wrong i cannot tolerate, its when u cross limits that i am asked to leave mine and meet u halfway to give u my peice of mind...

And it doenst matter that whether i was wrong in blowing up or not... things break up, things are said, feelings are hurt and sins are multiplied.

and i regret even though i feel i was right.

I then try to understand the mechanism by which i live my life. the theory the philosophy and i wonder how i never get to have one close friend who i cud say is my soulmate. when i see freinds being so close and loving to each other... unable to do without each other, always wanting the other to guide them , to hear them and other so very interested in so... i wonder why i never cud enjoy all that...

why i had to always purse my lips when i had something to share, why i feared no one can understand me or wud care for wat i care... and why i felt no one and wat tey cared for meant anything to me...

So when sometimes i dont feel like wishing someone a happy b'day cuz i feel she wudnt care wherther i greet them or not... cuz they hardly greet me...i know i am being small hearted or sometimes even not doing it when i feel they can survive without my greetings...

but the fact that i always am ready to help ppl with troubles that are menaingful to me and diys for those that are not worthy of my time... i regret this but i am still unable to change myself...into a more of a simple and less limited girl

Decisions i made myself

take admission in BA Eco/
do it for 1 yr and then the distance and traveling and stupid tim lags between classes causing me depression...

so take admission in BCS did it for 3 yrs the last yr severe depression... yet cleared it... somehow... went to give papers while dying inside...

was interning for 2 yrs all the way to my bcs... the place was nice

got a job as sales coordinator... earning 7000 did it for a yr... when i got bored wityh the same work that was quotation making.... no more learning i felt and started to crave for different stuff...

started MBA tried handling both the job and MBA but my grades told me to not take a risk and i left the job, and the fact i had lost interest in the work,

did mba for two yrs... it was good... and bad... nithing is perfect...

wasnt that strong or confident abt getting a job it seemed like a big thing... i had very low confidence.. and mba didnt rise it that much..

once i am in i do great but to enter i usually cannot show my best cards ever

i feared gettinga good job and when no call came... for a month... i aksed a fried to keep me with him ... he had started his business recently and so he cudnt pay me more... i said i dont care i neeed to be working... so he agreed... and the salary was 4000 only... yes...

but before i cud start there i got a call from a company... and i got myself a post as asst manager sales for 12000 (tripple the amount i was agreeing to take...

my mom had felt really bad when my friend only proposed 4000 knowing i was an mba... i told her one thing mom ur girl will be jobless... wud u like that more then she is atleast working i can tell ppl i am earning more, dont worry... and she was so happy when i got a better offer... or may be it was her prayers which i never knew anything abt:D

i started the job and stayed there finally earning 40000 Rs. and that too with a kind of job security that wud let me make trips to USA for 4 months and i cud come and join back something no other work place wud ever offer...i didnt had to take leaves for muharram... since my boss was a bohri too...and so it was ideal in every way except

i didnt feel i was doing something worthy... i was earning, i was influencial, i was manager, but i felt like a slave of someones money and time...

all i wanted was to be in aplace i cud walk dance sit as i like... and i cudnt do anything... all of my day went without any nice exciting stuff... got boring like hell and he wasnt getting wat he wanted either... i was nasty, arguesome, sudenly and i felt i wasnt doing justcie to the amount i was being paid...

finally one day i resigned saying i dont feel i deserve this or even can do this anymore...

and i left breathing lighter, feeling better more alive...

that was the best decision i made... and all i feel i lost was 40000 rs... yes it is a lot... but its not worthy then me... and my happiness and stress free life...

i havent gained the courage or attitude to join back workplace... any other ... wen i left that place i made a commitment to never come back again... that the good bye was final. and i may do any other job but never go back...i bow only can wish God somehow lands me a better work and place and folks... that improve me as human... in every possible way...who are asubstance beyond substance.

OK

i met you 3 yrs back and i am still not given up on u...but i have given up on almost everything in life...

i few month back got an offer to volunteer and i took it... but i was going to leave it soon when i spotted Gulab, a kid in KG 2 a 7 yr old, that took my heart away with his innocence and smile.

if it wasnt for him i wudnt have been able to stay in that school. there were other kids too... but i didnt feel so strongly abt anyone... but the fact i cudnt be in his class or see him everyday make me wonder if i shud continue as he was the only reason why i wnated to be there... i know stupid of me... but that how i am...

and the fact i have left it more time then i have joined it... i feel i shudnt go unless i make somekind of a pact to atleast be with them for a yr or 6 month... but i cant since i dont know wat will happen tomorrow with me...

without commitment i dont feel like taking up anything and making commitment is a hard thing...

now if u all look at my situation and decisions... when my mom asks me to make a decision abt choosing a life mate and starting a life with him... i wonder how can it be so easy for me to meet a guy love him, and when he leaves i forget all abt him and marry another...

when they ask for a decsion i remember my commitment that i amde when i was talking to him that i will love him for ever and even after i die...

and with that commitment made... i dont think there seems to be any room for another man in my life... but the fact i made this commitment without even knowing wat he wants... and his no support in this regard makes me wonder wat to do...

shud i break the commitment i made with so much love and faith and passion. or be true to it and see it working its majic into my life...

the fact that with passing time and his oblivion to my needs and wishes my anger and ego tells me to hate him forget him, dump him, leave him... and sometimes they make so much sense... but still i cant seem to make myself do it...

and if i ever turn else where the only person i find better of my commitment and love is Salman Khan...

why? Cuz if it wasnt him, it wud have been killing for me to bear wat i was asked to bear. he owes me a lot after u!

and yes i do regret the fact i wasnt able to stop loving u, but i have really stopped acting and behaving like u wud have liked me to... that my respect for u, has gone lower then i wanted , and my trust has gone out too...

i am sorry but i am angry, until u make me feel better abt u... but why wud u do anything its not u who committed to love me it was only i who made that commitment and wants to be true to it!

how do i go anywhere from here!

Want to develop a school course!

I have been thinking a lot, on those lines and created a concept of Youngsters upliftment program but couldn't work on that since alone i am always prone to led astray...

I would like to start again with a hope to be focused and take small and consistent steps to ultimately create a school course that can be taught in the schools in Karachi ensuring my kids and kids of others, get the best of education, to turn them into capable, worthy strong and confident humans, that know how to create better life for them and others.

YUP - needs my commitment if it ever wud like to breathe and have a life, and for this commitment i need my friends and all to support me to keep to it. and not led astray and get distracted by anything...

My goal is not to take it as a business and make it a money making machine, my aim is to develop it into a well established entity that creates passion into me every going day and gives me a motive to work on and keep myself active and productive in a worth while cause...

your suggestions and words will be of great value to me... and for motivation, and knowing i am on right track and must keep on it i wud need all the support i can get...


http://love-youngstersupliftmentprogramyup.blogspot.com/

Spouse is a part of ur soul! and must be so!

When a freind shares his problem better with you then his spouse to be... i feel sad and bad..:(


Its like u can share everything with others and not one part of ur heart...

wat is the point of relations then ...when u cant share and expect the best of the support from them, when telling them a thing and hoping them to make u feel good is not possible...


kya yaar!

and then even i am victim of this mentality and behavior...


Kuch garbar hai, kehin kuch galat hogaya hai, and we need to change it...

atleast i want to for my life and sake...

who cares for others ... you have ur mind to think for urself...

i surely will find my life gets the support and love i need...

love and wishes

P.S when u cant share ur self with ur spouse... u r in the wrong place... change the reality or get out from there...

This song

when i was a kid some 1-10 yrs old and used to think marriages gtake u away from your loved ones...

watching this song made me cry a lot... yet i loved it just as much...

An eastern bride, being married against her wish... scary i know...

but all she has in her say is these silent tears and a wish if she can die...

But the beauty of this simple girl is filled with vows, to protect her family, values, and traditions her immense love and devotion to her family...

Can you imagine... there were times when marrying was like u are abt to die... the man you are choosing will be holding ur reigns and you can only hope he is a just and loving man who will never harm you in anyways....

But that if you dont like wat u get, you should leave and run away... it was just as terrible as running away from a jail, when u have been fined for a crime...

and women... still believe that ...

and then there are some men who know how to treat a woman and some woman who know how to ensure their man know how to do that!

her emotions and words make a difference



for my english viewers here is a bit of translation

Father, may these ppl dont take me away
I feel i am passing through some life threatening experience

i thought father, my life will be that of a free willed person
why you pinned me with these stangers (her husband and inlaws)


what kind of relation is this that puts me on fire abd pain
around your your garden it seems, everything is lifeless and empty
What kind of doli (the thing you take bride to bride grooms place) i see
i see your world getting burned

My heart is filled of greif and pain... instead of happiness


had to lose my fathers home, now when will i lose my hope too...
how long will i have to live siging like this, i wish my breaths end too
wat kind of my life is ... it seems like i am drinking poison...

leave these ppl for these are liars of ppl...


I know its sad... but this has been reality for many...

i am glad ppl are getting educated and gaining undertsanding in human nature, realising who is right and wat is right, and helping their states and life...



love!

Your story is written oh your face! Do you need to worry?

if you want to really know someone deeply... take a sad impactful song and put it on in full volume... then take up the interview of that person... and mute it... so that u r watching the man speaking but u dont hear wat he is saying the song is on... and then try to see his expressions and his eyes and know him... you will be able to see his deep down self... u will know how insecure he is, or not, how much of a thug he is... or not...:D

the song i had one

Janey to ya janey na song was on... and i put on Salman khans interview...

sicne wat he was talking wasnt of interest to me... i muted him... and now i was listening to the sound int he back ground and watching him speak in mute...

the results were eye opening...

when i saw Salman i saw different streaks

when i saw rhitik i saw different...

but i saw soemthing clear... their souls!

:)

Dont beleive me... try this

and havent u heard...

words only make for 7% of the communication the rest is all in the gestures and bodymovement and eyes and smiles...

so if u want to know the soul of person... see his eyes and feel him in the silence...

:D

you will be amazed...

Dane Cook Vs. saad Haroon

OK!


I beleive wat i like and wat can capture my interests and attention and resonates with my tastes.

So when i watch Dane cook and am on the ground laughing vs.... watching Saad Haroon, a comedican from Pakistan... trying to make sense of his jokes...

which i beleive wud be getting lots of audience... I feel soemthing is missing

And then i come across this question... who will i support... and if we dont support our ppl how can we ensure they top it.

I thought for a second and i realised...

I would love to buy a ticket and watch and support but at the end of the performance if i feel it wasnt worth it... i wud never do it again

i cannot support anything that i feel lacks quality and excellence...

So what supporting our ppl means... and do we really need to do that...

Why i would crave more for salman and meeting him then Shan?

is it cuz i feel ghar ki murgi daal beraber...

no i dont think so...

The reason why Salman Khan tops it and hits there is not just the fact that he is a star and that he is an actor... and that too a brilliant one... its a human quality that makes him poular and want us to support and reach out and touch and stand with...And it comes with a lot of hardwork , sincere efforts and desire to excel, irrespective of whether u get something or not ...

So if u arent trying to be that on ur own... no one will be there to support u and make u reach that place....

So its lmao when i or anyone i know blames me for being a wannabe, or not caring for my country or taking pride...

If zerdari is wat we have as a leader, who doesnt desire to do a thing... then i cant be expected to be rpoud of our leradership...

If Pakistan ppl are not strong enuf to think seriously and act seriously abt thei future and their country future then i cant feel proud of them...

If amanat ali sings in isolation, never strives for more then being on FB... nor creating a destiny for himself , then i cant be proud of the accomplishments... which cud be similar to that of sonu nigham... shud he try and keep exceling in wat he knows best and does best...

For focus and exceling and putting total commitment to wat u chose to be and wish to stand is wat gets u... not how many ppl are on ur back or arent...

So if anyone ever tells u... you are a Pakistani, ourt ppl arent as supportive or our govt isnt as supportive or our family isnt as supportive that we can too have the success international stars gain...

all i wud ask u is to please take this crap out of ur mind...

Those who only want to rely on others for their success are ones who say that... not those who beleive in themselves and their dreams... and no wat it takes and are willing to do it...

So when i see Dane cook and saad haroon...

what i like abt Dane is the work and effort he puts to ensure the result that will make him feel great at the end of the performace

and if all pakistanis, resort to that kind of quality in wat they are best at... trust me... we cannot be anyless than the nations around...

till then... stay with the lazy, doubting, blaming, helpless, hopeless, cowardly, noncreative and untalented self as 90% of us are...

Boring i call each and every one of them... Boring and serey huey as hell:P

:D

what comes to rescue!

When i am down, when i am hyper, when i am sad, when i am happy, when i am unable to sleep and when i am too tired for anything...


He surely is there to pick me in any mood i may have and get me back on track...

So when i was unable to have a wink i resort to my savior once again...

i thought may be a sleeping music will put me to sleep... but nope nothing works

its my fault... i am not tired enuf in the day to sleep early...

the whole routine is distrupted... well i dont have one to speak of... so :P

but... the fact that discipline is imp for a successful life... becomes a flawed philosophy in my life...

I do accomplish a lot following a good well planned routine... but at the end a feeling i get is not of a success and happiness... i feel i am a machine...

and wat a stressing thought that can be... so in order to not have that feeling ever...

i quit my job, i quit volunttering, i quit... doing anything that can tell me i am on job...

I am free... thats wat i am... free to do wat ever i want...

But before i tell u to behave like me... every road has its own bumps... u better be ready to face them... cuz no road is bump free...:D

not even sitting idle doing wat u please....

Oh u might be thinking wat was that who comes to my rescue...

Who u think...

Dont know abt u... for me He is... My Maula my imam Imam Husain that holds the reign of my life and heart...

Its when i ensure my love for him is intact i have a sigh of releif... Lots of fun and dancing and masti... takes me away from remembering him, but when i see his name and my heart straigtens, my eyes pay homage and a sea of tears fall down...

He loves me i know... but do i love him and that i keep loving till my last breath wat i have to ensure... myself

i am getting sleepy now... listening to nohas and manqabat...

so the majic of the soothing words is working

Night every one... sleep well and rise well

Bros Wedding!:D

so i plan to dance on few songs on my brothers wedding... bhangra daloooo saare

:D


and i was thinking these songs willl really be nice...

for girls item





and with bwoyssss:D



Or



:)

Ghar ki shaaadi ki baat hi kuch aur hoti hai...

Its simmering Abhi!:)

Cooking something yummy... :D and the best part is when it smells great, looks great and is accomplished in few quick mins... and has all those easy never going to disappoint me ingredients... rhythmically adding it with my intution to guide the taste...






sometimes though it so happens when i put it on stove and forget all abt it like a dream:D and when i remember it... it has lost most of its lustre and wat stares back at me is something unhappy asking me why u always forget all abt me look wat u made of me, being away for so long:P all i can be is sorry then! sometimes we can do that to ppl as well:)

Questions (Part 1)

I have realised that the beauty of life is in the beauty of questions u get to ask :)

Hmm so let me ask u all these questions

1) Is there anyone in the world you love so much that you could give your life for them?

2)Do you have a role model - someone you want to emulate? Whom do you admire the most?

3) If you won a million dollars in a lottery, what would you do with it?

4) If you knew you had only a year to live, What would you do first most?

5) What movie would u like your life to be?

6) What you think of me? :P

7) The experience of life was?

8) One person you can spend your life with and not think u will ever get bored of?

9) Is there someone from the past you really miss and would like to locate?

10)What you would liek to do on your first date with your love?

11) Your most feared thing?

12) If you were to live alone for a year? where would u choose to be ?

13) A topic that you cannot miss to comment and hear about?

14)- Do you like to Dance? would you like to dance with me? alone and with every and anyone?

15) What rain means to you?


:)

Serenity of Life!

The rain falling outside as u watch through clear glass window draped with the lace curtains giving out the hazy view of the wet greens outside sitting on ur hard oak colored round table and sipping a warm cup of tea .... the dampness and coolness in the air finds a way through the open door... and all u do is watch in amaze and wonder... in that moment life is beautiful! and when they hit back as memories on a scorching hot day as u drive in the insane noise heat.. u were glad u were able to immerse urself completely in the serenity of life to deal with the unwanted parts. :D You can recall these moments in ur memories and make life happy again.

Der lagi lekin!

Took me long but i finally learned how to live:D

Up to something!

So when he told me you write really well but u write a lot... and it gets confusing...

i realised he has a point...

Yes Ateequay! i acknowledge this comment of u...

love u bro!:D

Acha i will try... but no its not possible... u dont know how it is for me... i dont have ur soul ur mind and ur heart in me... so its really not easy for me to work as u or anyone of u want me to work...

this heart this soul and this brain that i am stuck with has a tune of its own... a destiny of its own... and its exilerating to boring to dangerous.
And only i can bear all that... and if u cant... i totally understand and am cool with it...

I will try being how u want to be... but i know its going to take some yrs probably an eternity who knows... and if we are going to stuck for that long u may end up seeing some good changes..:P

With that i am going to tell u wat i did...

you guys are my chums one i can tell a secret and know i can survive without having to deal with nasty repurcussions...

I imagine if i tell the same things to:

1- Hasan a friend who is lost and unsure... he loves me... or desires me i dont know... but wat ever he does makes me feel he is creepy... like u know u need to keep ur mouth shut... so yesterday when i was sad and at the verge to talk and may be get help... i pinged him... and he came up with the question wats on ur mind ... that question got me on red alert... he wanst to get inside my ehad and mess with my already messed head... and i told him are u using some mind techniques on me... and he was like no... it was a simple question and i told... it doesnt seem like that... and i was zipped didnt utter a word... as to wat i would have liked to discuss... and as much as it hurts me to be so secretive it hurts me to know i have no choice but to keep to myself... and deal with it all alone... cuz ppl are so stupid... or dangerous!

2- Murtu - he is someone i met online... who again wanted to marry me... or atleast that was all he wanted me to succumb to... and then luckily he got married... and i was thank God... i am saved... and he still wants me to get hooked ofcourse... they all are concerned... but it was sad when i asked i am not sure who and he proposed himself... wat thats the crapiest thing u can say... i so wish he was joking ... but the silence makes me have doubts... but why? u are married now dude... and i wish u were not allowed to talk to girls, but ur wife... but that cant be the case i know... so atleast learn to know wat marriage means... it doesnt mean u can back off... once the decision is made...so to get help from him... is like getting urself bitten by a snake... ok i forgive him... but i know if this continues... i will say soemthing so horrible that he will start to hate himself... and me ofcourse...

3- Mom and Dad... if i tell them wat i am thinking... Dad will be angry and then quiet... mom wud try to be understanding on the outside and worrying like hell on the inside... fearing and calling one of her aids to come for the rescue... meri bachi ka kuch kero...:D

4- Bros... elder bro never mind... i wud rather not even think of something like that around him... younger one... will get worried... middle one... will worry on the inside or probably want to thrash me around so that i stop thinking on these lines on the top he will be go ahead... i have no issue upto u... u know i love u... yes i know sweets... thats the trouble i wish i wasnt loved so much... that it hurts me and u...:)

5- Hina my only female friend... kya ... dimagh kheraab hai... klya scohcti ho... hain na... i know... dimagh hona hi nahi chahiye... :)

6- Reh gayey kon... Blogger... Possible reactions...:D Silence... go ahead... understanding, positive... supportive... not as worrisome as my family and freinds... right?

So wat i am abt to do is... i had this absolutely beautiful diary which i got from india... for myself...:D and i thought i wud like some heart prayers in it... to help me in my moments... and so i started writing... just wrote one page and then it was lying there...

now i am thinking to meet Salman khan since a few months now... and i feel until i wont... mujhey chain nahi aayega... so i was thinking wat cud be the way...

i thought may be ill write him letters... and rather then writing just one letter i will write hi a chain of letters so he doesnt forget or can push me aside...

but that never happen... i did wrote them but didnt know if they were worth sending out...

but suddenly i got this urge to do soemthing... and so i wrote one more... trying to be as precise and to the point and sensible as i cud... and i was happy with the out come... i wrote it in notepad... and then i thought may be i shud use that diary and write it on that... this way... he may like it better... and the fact i am really not going to invest on him more... and dont even know a better letter wrting technique it made sense so now the diary with the written letter is ready...

and i am desiring to post it... i have his address but dont know if its the right one...

i fear if it wud reach him or not... if he will get it or his PA and wat if he simply throws it out ...

and the fact i may never know abt it... whether he got it and ignored or never got it... makes me wonder how to ensure he gets it... i am going to tCS it... and ask them how can they ensure if a letter gets to the recipient and that whether it is he who gets it and not some tom dick and harry..

second... i dont know where the nearest TCS is... and the fact i cant take any of my family with me... as they will get to know wat i am upto and i dont want questioning eyes... and looks... and objections... i want to do it... wiothout anyone who is a threat to this to know abt this...:)

I am 32 yrs old... do i sound like that... may be not... but may be cuz i acted 80 yrs old when i was 16 so i have a right to act 16 yrs when i am 32...

I don't have a problem

What happens when u do wat u feel right and it comes out wrong!

So today i have been thinking, after i did something right... but that looks a bit wrong... infact its just as wrong as its right...

but the fact it may be wrong and shudnt have happened makes me wonder why the urge was so bad to do it... and when its all done... this thinking... when it can make no real difference...

I am writing this here so that it can help me understand wat happened today and wat i beleive may happen ample of more times in future...what it takes away from me and what it grants me...

I have always heard good things abt me from people who love me. I know they may be just being sweet and dont want to hurt me... so they may not speak the whole truth.

But my heart and conscience is always on the job... sometimes early sometimes late, sometimes when they dont need to say anything they blame me too criticize nag and make me hate myself so at times i really want these voices to leave me alone ...

So wat i did today and yesterday and i beleive i will keep doing until i dont get a clear signal saying "enough".... and then i will get even more uneasy...

(Speaking my mind and someone stopping me from doing it makes me do that)

Like seriously i have an issue i need to get help with and the fact its not as simple as having a physical problem... when u have a spiritual or deep mental problem... there are no real solutions...

Like do u know a pill for controlling anger. Or getting tears back into the eyes and be replaced by a smile. OR do u have a medication for turning bad thoughts into good ones... or hatred for someone into love or love for someone into indifference...or a pill to forget an incident that happened in your past... just that incident keeping everything else intact... Or a pill to know instantly wats the right thing to do that will get u the right result, that will get u wat u desire... and the wrong thing that will only get u and trouble so u can choose well...

I know some pills available, one are to relax you and make u sleep. it does something to your mind, it lightens u and drugs u so u dont have any intense thoughts that make keep u awake... basically it kills ur mind just as alcohol wud... making ur forget ur guilts and regrets too along with things that make u worry ... and drs call them medication.... a medication that makes u forget u killed a man and u need to worry or regret it... instead get u a drug that gets u help forget it... so that u may sleep well in the night and be fresh for work the next day...

So the natural process of one feeling guilty is killed... ur conscience is killed and u feel better...

i wud definitely like a pill that wud stop you from doing a sin... why rely heavily on God forgiveness, why not do something that wud stop us from doing sins only so we dont have to worry if God will forgive us or not... and what if he doesnt?

Like a wall between us and the sin so that we may be all good.

But since that's not a possibility... we have to live with the way things are...

Wit no pill for anger... and no vent out that takes it out without hurting us or anyone so wat happens is... we get angry and we hurt... ourselves and others... its a never ending chain... cuz when someone is hurt he is bound to be angry too... i used to think i am good... i dont react and say bad things to anyone... they think i have forgiven them forgotten it... let go... Have i.....


Noooooooooooooo!!!!!! :)

I didnt say anything but that doesnt mean i am ok with it...

so what i have to do... sometimes pile it up, sometimes get it out on myself... hating myself or my life... and everyone... taking it out on God... well that was OK... cuz i know he has a big heart and he can deal with it without getting angry or hurt... but sometimes its hard to keep it to God... it comes out o ppl... like ur chums and ur parrents or anyone u can get hands on...who is someone who is there to listen

or

crying terribly alone... and then wat... the dent is made ... and it will move with us... grow with us... cuz its not healed yet... why not... cuz we never tried healing it... all we did was push it down ... down down ... and its out of memory... cuz its pretty deep and lost... almost like those clothes we push into the attic since we cant use them... or do anything abt them... and wat happens... one day we accidently get knocked down by them... and they come tumbling up... creating havoc...making us uneasy and just as angry as we were when it happened...

So whats the solution...

And worse is when u know... the person who its related to... everytime u will see his face those angers will come up...and all u wud wnat is keep avoiding them... but how will u learn to be in relations when so much anger and pain and hurt is part of it...

I know... i understand... but he makes me so angry... and if i dont speak the truth wont it just be a cowardly thing... i need to speak my mind with him/ her she / he must know wat it feels like...

yes... sure... u must let know wat wrong they did to u... so that they never do it again... never even think... yes

and then u say it all out... and there u hear the cracking just after its said ... relationships are cracked hearts are cracked... and that night tears fall from eyes... and i wnat to know are they meaningless tears or they are honest, sincere... helpless tears, that cant change a thing ... and make it beautiful loving and worth living...

why was i to ever be in this situation... to be in love and yet have so much anger in me... and when it comes to chose one and leave the other i cant leave any ... cant stop loiving ... cant stop being angry ... cant forgive cant forget ...

how long can i be in this like this... why cant i just delete it... out of my memory and heart... and breathe normally...

why is it such a hard thing... wats making it such a hard thing... that one promise

and wat i will keep saying will only sound this ... i Hate you and dont want to see ur face again... when all i need u to hear is... i wish u were mine... i wish we were together and i wish there wasnt anything in u that i wud ever hate ... and that i wish u cud know all i mean is for me and u to have the most beautiful life... and i wish that life starts as soon as it can... and i wish i never dount u or take u for granted... nor u do that...


so wat it really is like now is u are not mine, we are not together, theres a lot in u that i cannot stand and i hate, and me and u are not having a beautiful life and its not seeming to start soon either... and u doubt me and take me for granted and so do i....

and yet i am not able to let it go... let you go...i cant let you go... but i must now forget u...must change my focus from you to where?


have u ever considered changing ur qibla from kaaba to somewhere else... wat if u were asked to, and u werent told where the new location is... wud it be easy for u to pray in all direction anticipating may be one of those directions will be the intented one, imagine how difficult that wud be... it seems everyone is asking me to do just that ... even u... and it feels cruel

wudnt u then rather keep praying to the qibla until the location was confirmed...thats wat i am doing... but i am already wavered in my mind...:(

tell me atleast where to and i will and if u cant atleast let me do this for as long as i live.


Allow me... and ensure me i am on the right track!

God i am talking to you!:( i dont think there is anyone else who ever knew the answers anyways!