So i did it!

and i dont know wat it will bring... i still know i had to!

we need to tell ppl wat we think and how we feel and even though ppl wont take us positively always... we need to still do it our way...or the way we know...

i have slapped ppl in my life... once i slapped an older colleague...i was eating with him and i felt he touched my hand and i cudnt hold myself i slapped him right in face... and then realised wat i had done... he was off for that... two days... it was impulsive yet necessary... to let him know never again... he must do it...

then i slapped once my bro for pushing me off balance and it came straight... in that moment the anger gets best of me... and ofcourse he was pissed... but then i said sorry or may be i didnt... but i was sweeter to him after that... i love my bro until he teases me in times i am not in mood to take...

and i have virtually slapped u today for all the wrong u did... i know may be it puts the biggest end to everything to ur ever coming back, but it was necessary...

forgiving u without giving u a piece of mind wud be an impossible thing... i am not moving on ... no i dont think i can love anyone like i loved u... and i dont think i will feel good with someone who i dont love like that... but putting words to my feelings is imp...

i never wanted to do that... to hit u... it was one thing i never wanted to ever experience... taht i hoped u will be that one person i can bow too but never raise a hanfd...i had thought u will always be good to me... i will never need to use it with u... no matter how much u tease me hurt me... i will always get along... i will always forgive... but that u will treat me like this... that u will hurt me like this... i never thot u cud... and now that u did... how can i not let u know its not ok... how can this be ok... something u let go and move on...

i slapped u to remind u... it was someones heart u played with... one who treated u like the most imp person... who cared for u, like her own flesh and soul, who cried with u, laughed with u... when u were scared to open up to ur own ppl... who has made a pact to never leave ur side... u played with that one person you so conveniently said u loved and cared for... and one u find so easy to replace... or try to replace... but i know u never can...for i am one piece... someone who has seen u that close and still dared to love u and have faith in u

But why my heart still doesnt beleive... its over... why it still feels hope that one day i will be laughing again... with u... over ur silly bragging and u making fun of me for being so silly... why... i feel one day... i will be there in the kitchen making food for u...and u will be watching me with that cheezy smile... saying something stupid... and make me mess it all up and run to kick u...:) that u will still say something stupid and make me laugh on all this... why i still feel u arent be that bad... u cant be that bad...

My Brother loved it!!!!!

so i have been singing since i was young... comments i have got :

tumhari awaz mein boht dard hai...:) Shireen
u have got an RJ voice... My mentor and van friends...:)
sweet voice of aptech... the student counselor Aptech... and the fact that i won a thousand Rs price... winning a compettion that had 9 men and me... we had three rounds and well the seconf finalist sang nusrat fateh ali khans song... and he had an awesome voice...so i felt great...especially the thing i loved was i wasnt able to produce a high sound... i cant sing on high tones... so the guys actually had to sit really close to hear me... and i shut my eyes as i feared the crowd will make me nervous... but when i opened the serentity and sincerity in everyone around me listening with love ... made me keep them open for the rest of the song...:)
once i was singing a song from ghalib poetry... and my cousin in the other room asked... were u listening to ghalib just now... not beleiving it was me...:P hehe i never quite told her...
well it does run in my family... my abbu loves to sing and my mom recites mersiyah her mom did that too...
we sometimes sing duet me and my bro... rare but we did...

and finally never doing it explicitly... i know i am damn shy... and well i cant dance or sing in front of anyone... or if i will it will be done consiously... not in the free spirit i do when no ones watching or hearing... but once recorded its easier to let them in...

and my brother loved my clip... he wants me to sing one on her wedding... a pretty timy wish from a bro to his sis... i wud give him a world if he asks and if i can afford...:) so yessh

and now i shared with another of my lady friend... lets see wat she says... but i feel i want to impress sonu nigham and make it once to for him to hear me and rate me... and soend one day trying to teach me... free of cost haan!:) and Sk too:) oh i wud be a happy person...

Happy Singing!

Yeh dor, Kabhi na tootey!

na tootti hai na sulajhti hai:) yeh dor bus chubhti hai! kabhi hansati hai kabhi rulati hai... apney honey ka ahsaas dilati hai... yeh dor meri hasti hai...na tootti hai na sulajhti hai!na ho ker bhi saath nibhati hai... ik dost ki yaad dilati hai! na tootti hai na sulajhti hai! k merey khwab reza reza na ho... inhey apney mein somoti peroti hai! yeh dor meri apni hai! na totti hai na sulajhti hai! raahon mein agar kantey ho to apney pero pe uthati hai... khushiyon mein bhool jaoon to, phir saamney ajati hai! na tootti hai na sulajhti hai... yeh dor bus chubhti hai!

Unresolved stuff!

Sometimes answers dont come and questions keep hammering at u hard ... making u doubt ur sanity, nagging at u, tugging at u pulling at u like a stubborn kid and u are silently taking it all in, waiting for God to guide u to it, to help u form words, thoughts, paths and actions... so u can finally sooth away and stop these questions from harassing u... sometimes u want to be left alone with everything that only soothes:) i even see these questions framed on others faces when the inner voice has taken a toll on me... oohhh can u ever escape this devil of unresolved phases in ur life...

Though when resolved u create more problems to solve so u can feel theres something left to be done...

I miss this!!!!!:( but i am glad i had it once...

He: agar tumhara koi dushman ho usey tumharey saath kamrey mein rekh dena chahiye... woh pagal hojayega aur tum us kay dimagh ka dahi kerdogi...

me: hihihiiiii!:P

He: u know tumhari ik achi baat hai.... k tum aisi baton per hans deti ho.... is sey do batein hoti hai mera gussa thanda hojata hai aur tum hans bhi leti ho... but i fear u will change after marriage...
Me: kesi hojaoongi, (evil death ki terah.... cheekhoongi,kya keroongi....)
He: Silence...

a hurt man can be like that...:( fearful and doubting of love of happiness... for nothing can be owned or preserved...but that u let it go of fear u will lose it one day... wats a point in that?

but then i guess if its in our fate we cant really miss it can we...

Have you tried singing?

I sing, like a free bird, like a free soul... i sing... i used to write urdu songs... sher when i was in my teens... i do them still... they speak my feelings like the rest of my words... but they are more closer in expressing the poetic and artistic side of me... there was a time when i used to hide wat i wrote for i know it was raw stuff... a girl wasnt supposed to feel or write... a taboo... u can say but i cudnt hold my words and feelings juts like i cudnt hold my breath...:) they are my lifelines...

i have lost so many... as i never thought they wud ever be sung to anyone... i was scared of being judged or misinterpreted... The sweetness and warmth and purity of soul... cud easily be degraded by one small unclean thought... and for me my words were precious, my feelings matter... even if they didnt get me anything other then that moment in its richness...

some are way too open and revealing... i wont ever put them here... For God and my hubby are two souls who will ever learn that part of me... every one else is an outsider, allowed only to watch a part of me i choose to show...

We all keep secrets inside... they are precious, they are amanat.... when we put them on display we degrade ourselves and that secret... we are tempted or well i can say those are... who dont get from it the blessing and bliss which it gives when u protect it... like u protect ur honour, ur faith, ur truth, ur loved ones - ur most treasured and cherished belongings... you protect them over ur life...

So tender so warm yet so cold at times
I talk of this man, a boy , friend of mine

When I first heard him my heart hammered deep
When I laid my eyes on him his manliness intrigued me

But finally when I met him the emotions were loud and clear
Though nothing of a man I assumed I felt quite at home without fear

He listened oh so well like a gentle man from a british novel
But the sterneness in his face made me think of him as a villain

As I kept on talking clueless of what he thought or felt
I was choked on few strong words spelt

One was love, One was kiss one was our names pronounced together
Locking me to him by some unintentional grasp yet one that was there forever

Never I had thought I wud have to hear what I heard
As he spoke of his views so rigid so strong and from mine differed

I felt my fear getting better of me
Reviewing him once again this time with scrutiny

But felt at ease yet again as I heard him laugh like a baby
Oh he has a heart I felt a warm one and something I wud love to see

For an hour we kept exploring talking knowing
Finally on third call we were broken from the spell we were going

As he moved to the door his sister asked…
If we knew each other from the past

I answered we had talked once
But the time was not so good I deduce

And a blow of laughter sprung in the air
Calling it a happy end to a blissfull affair

As he took my hand so unexpectedly
I cudnt but feel something go of with him of me

Was it my heart my soul or just a dream
Something stirred deep in me

I walked him down and shut door on him
Realizing after wards if I had closed my self to him

He took my number but never called me
For 2 weeks I thought but then got busy

And then suddenly one fine day while making dough
As my mind wandered why life was rough

And I thot if there were something more I cud do
To make this life a little better to view

And a thought sprung from nowhere but deep
A call of an action and leap

To nudge this person why he never came back
What was in me that didn’t match

So I finally emailed him on FB
And from there started a bitter sweet love story

lol! can such a sweet thing be anything harsh or evil? was my heart giving me wrong signals or was it a way to know life will keep throwing these stones at u... and u need to keep walking straight with the conviction... that never dies...

i still care for u... with all my heart i do and something in me says i always will beyond this world in the next and beyond... u r in my heart, which will be empty and hollow without u....

MOM!

mom! she is a sea, a mountain, a river, a desert, a sky, a never ending bounty a soul born in this world to love me and rest of her heart pieces that beat abt her... and she beats with them... so many parts scattered here and there... i am glad she has so many of them... so that if one is hurting the other heals... if one is missing other keeps her company...:) i wish she is never lonely! and the pieces keep adding and adding...:)and her love keeps flowing like it knows no end

Cheers to the Mistakes

making this mistake was fate and no matter how i think i cud have easily not made it i know it wud be a false statement. it happened for a brilliant reason:) no matter how wise sensible or principled v r ... mistakes occur and make us know... we need loopholes for life to seep in... and seep out for we are humans and that's how we are made to function...cheers to us! for making these silly and not so silly mistakes and laugh and cry on them...all along:)

My Angel Nephew Hamza

Inna paala becha kisi ka hosekta hai:) phuppi cant wait to swweep him in her arms and kisssshhh him hard. He is my delicious baby!

I remember when he was ver small... 8 months or so... and i was there always carrying him... and he loved it outside... all day he wud keep wining and then outside he wud chatter like a sparrow in his cukkooo voice...that only he understood... and i remember i used to get this urge to bite him...:) and so i did it as mightly as i cud... but one day... something bad happened... and he cried... and i realised this time i had literally done it worse.. and that day i swear never even try no matter how much the urge:)... but i got so scared and wished there was no scar of a love bite or his mom and dad wud kill me:( mera becha... i hope he doesnt remember that:) phuppi u bit me so hard when i was a little kid...:)

i dunno how it will be when he will be all grownup and i getting old...:P when he will be a handsome young chap and i will be an old aunt...:) will we get along well and wud he still smile at me and come lovingly to me ... like he does now...but wat ever happens... i know i will be always so happy to see him and he will be my favorite nephew... or well one of the favorites... for i know i will love them all... and i wonder how many ill end up having nieces and nephews...:)

they both are growing up so fast:)

Thats how i am

If u cant take my answers dont ask me questions:) 1....if u cant help with my problems u r surely not someone ill take advise of or talk abt them 2. My Goal in life is to solve all my problems and the only ones i feel can solve them is who i trust are good at the job... and i decide that based on my judgement and its bound to change:) and i like to do things which please me or which are close to my heart 3. is that wrong, isnt this wat u do?... no!... well whats stopping u?:)

Dont discuss ur plans with anyone... unless u dont care if they happen...

Sometimes when people come up to you to talk and ask, its like they want to know ur mind and wats inside of it...

and thats a scary thing... Not everyone is trust worthy , some just want to devise a plan in order to hamper u... and opening up to them means u reaching ur destiny later and coming across more barriers then u otherwise were too


watch Out folks...:) God is sometimes enuf to confide in :) unless u find someone more trustworthy...

Maula:)

As soon as my eyes fell on ur face... everything abt my life falls into perspective... in that moment my life is absolutely complete and stable... yet that moment keeps coming and going and probably that is life, i fell out of place once in a while to learn those lessons and have those experiences which are imp for my growth. But never ur face leaves in me a trace of doubt that life is anything beyond u or ever will be:)

Khudaya Ve...

Nothing can be captured ... thats the beauty of life...:) but songs have a way to to freeze the moment in ur mind with all its smells, sounds, sights, thoughts,and feelings...and whenever u hear that song u can relive that scene in ur mind a million times...a way to reconnect with ur most cherished heart tugging memories. Add music to every special time of ur life...

This song brings back memory of a romance, which was almost miraculous:)

Between Gushing River, snow topped mountains, lush green valleys a beautiful love story came to life...feelings were shared, fears were uttered, tears were tasted, smiles were slipped, dreams were watched, promises were made and two souls came together almost to be united, but a wave of unresolved past, and sins unforgiven washed away the castle of dreams which was only yet breathed its first few innocent breaths... and those broken dreams are still in my eyes... for they werent dreamt to be washed away by tears...they were dreamt to last forever...If i ever loved u truly even for a minute and so did u... i will ensure it doesn't go wasted.

Love stories don't have an end... only a beginning.

Real People

Worried real ppl vs fun real ppl vs honest real ppl vs lying real ppl... we all are real... and we all have a hard and easy time living ... No one is less real or more real... its only their own perception which i now find naive and vain of me. Who am i to declare tht abt anyone... The only thing is, we have ppl we resonate with and ones we dont... those we resonate become life savers... and even if its just one its really a blessing...:) so enjoy ur bunch of real ppl ...

We are getting our home painted, and wow... i love the feeling.... its new again... reminding me of how it felt when we moved upstairs 12 yrs back... and the last 12 yrs we had kind of stopped enjoying this heaven. so this perk up brings it back alive... giving us a feeling we truly are blessed to own such a lovely place... the smell is of the fresh paint...

i love red... it truly enhances the worth of any room... so we are going to have this distinct corner and a center wall painted drama red... in hopes this red will enliven our lounge and stair area.

its going to rock my bhabi and i think and even the painter boy thinks so...

He is a young good looking guy.. who tries hard to use one or two english wordS in every sentence he utters i admire his adherence to that...

He cud have been a charming young men if he had not been born in the circumstances and situation he is born... he went to school he says to mom... I never had a conversation other then related to the paint as we discussed having a textured wall... and commenting how fun it is to use roller to paint... Hhe is got a cousin sister who paints and wow how she paints, he said...

So anyways... my moms really happy and enjoyed exchanging talk with him... mom loves conversationalist...and since i have never really talked a lot with her other then the problems... our interests vary majorly...when she talks abt wat she likes... other then when she shares her chilhood experieces, school kids and their herkeretin...as soon as she starts talking abt that lady and that man... i cannot stand it... I GET TURNED OFF... come to think of turn offs, i have got so many its crazy...i find them every where in every conversations with everyone almost

So she is happy talking and so do i... but then... i try not to... and now i try even harder... i guess i have already said and spoken a lot... and for that which i havent to real ppl... i have got this blog...

So People.... i have been guilty of judging ppl. All those i admire real ppl, all those i cant stand no UNREAL...


and they were always a lot... some were in middle... and to wat i know will remain there for as long as i know... its hard to really know if they will ever change or be better in my eyes ever...

but then i fear if they do i will be so doomed for thinking like that abt them...

but such are my opinions...

my brothers have changed... but they still are the same for me... its strange when others look at them like heroes, like fans... hain... i say really... ur talking abt tahir.... really u think he is that good... ofcourse i love and yes he is good... but yes fine... he is a good lad... i am proud of him... but u think that of him... that....

acha... for me he is my brother... someone i once in a while have a fight with... and sometimes once in awhile kind words that erase any bad notions our last hurtful interaction may have left... we are washed and anew...

but these days i am having extra hard time with mom...

i dont know wat has happened... but i react on every small wrong word uttered from her mouth and she on me... i know our love for each other will never die... it simply cant... but this still isn't normal... i dont know how to improve... i am so bad with it... especially when she invokes my nerves like that... i simply end up reacting without thinking or being sensitive...

so if i used to think i am a sensitive person who feels how others feel may be its not right... i am sensitive to my feelings but definitely not to others... it takes me a while and a real kind of trouble to know ppl need my softnes... till then all u can get is cold and harsh and realistic and beneficial advise with no soft buttering...


But my mom is a real woman... just that i am a 180 degree opposite of her... wat it makes me i dont know... but i never mean to be her... or have her traits... cuz i feel it cud be really burdensome for me... and pretty draining... i am already pretty drained anyways...


we fight usually on how she worries abt those things which i never can care for...and how she is oblivion of things which mean a lot to me...

but she wants my best and i want hers... always...

still i dont know a way to make us two into one soul one heart one mind... such a difficult task...i hope she forgives me for being so blunt and honest and open with her always...and in turn God forgives me too...sometimes i hurt her bad... juts like may be u hurt me...

wat goes up comes down...:) wonder who hurts u that bad or hurted u... one i know but then u hurted her too didnt u... u r not an angel my dear, and neither am i... ab to bilkul bhi nahi...:) ask my mom!:)

Perceptions ... An exercise!

How human mind can twist a thing. its scary... beware of a filthy mind ...for it will fill u with filth... and there are plenty of such minds around us... and they are convincing, having great assurance and authority, and u r gone if u r naive... i have nothing against naive, but they are easy prays for dangerous minds...instead of fearing one master mind... one shud fear the million naives that work for him, without knowing...

i came across a picture...

i will show here of an airport..

see i know how perception works and how dangerous it is if ur not checking it right... or have not been fed with clean stuff in the beginning of ur life when u were a kid...


i once came up with this exercise in 7 Habbits of highly effective People... we were shown a pic and asked wat we see...

we all ended up coming to one conclusion... and that was when one of us spoke his thoughts first... it resembled a beautiful lovely woman...

and then when one said... we started seeing it more closely... with hoping to find the same thing as was mentioned by one of the person... and bingo we were happy to finally see it... and yell yes i can see it too... as if we made the best discovery and so proud that we are like normal ppl...

then on the other page... we say the same pic but this time... it was highlighted in such way to resemble a old visous ugly woman... and then when we saw the same pic of the lovely woman... we were not able to see it instead we were seeing that ugly hag and cud only see the beautiful woman when we made up our mind to see juts that...

as soon as our mind isntructed to see it in bad light we saw it in bad light and when our mind instructed to see it in a good light we saw it...


thats how perceptions are made...

now i will keep in front of u an image...


u can let me know wat u think... if u even in ur little curiosity let ur mind lose and want to look at it u will see wat ever u chose to see or are programmed to see...


why does anyone chose to let his/her mind lose... cuz they enjoy the humour or like to twist other ppls mind and degrade someone or something... some do it for their own limited minds when they are asked a question... hoping that it is really imp for them to know wat is being asked and make up even when they arent sure... cuz they dont want to lose that one game...

some however are very wise... and never indulge into going deep in places where they dont have a knowledge of and know their small opinion or idea may endanger someones beleif or faith...


so next time when u open ur mouth when asked something... be sure u r only stating facts not wat ur mind think or u beleive and when u cannot state facts... its not a bad idea to just be silent...

and praying God to grant u the wisdom to know the facts and guide u and ur kids...:)


imagine u come across a creature... u have no knowledge abt... and call it something of ur own... u enjoy it love it take pleasure from it and everything it brings...

but u never really try to make meaning of it...one day a friend comes and sees it... and gets curious... he starts to see it in a different light... closely inspecting and shows u thing abt it which u never ever noticed... wat wud u do? wud u ponder or let go... till then ur eyes never saw it... not u ever tried exploring beyond the needed... now u start doubting...u r in trouble even before it has hitted u... and may be it was never to hit u until u started to think it will...

and that can be pretty useless exercise getting harmful eventually...

I am obsessed with the idea of having a perfect wedded life:)

I dont know how i am as a sister, daughter or freind or even any role that i take... i never get a chance to know myself truly, cuz no one ever complains or tells me i am not good...

my parrents love me, making it hard for me to know if they love cuz i am their daughter or cuz i am good to them, i dont know if i add value to their life... cuz i never feel i go out of my way much to do things for them... i do wat naturally comes of me... and wat i deeply possibly feel for them...

same goes for everyone i meet... if i like u, if i dont like u, if i adore u, if i hate u, if i cant stand u... but if ull need me in bad times... i will do wat ever it takes...to get u out of it... but that doesnt mean i still like u... or will start falling for u... know when i decide i dont like u that fact remains, for it is based on soemthing u do or keep doing... and it will only change if u stop doing it... but i wont tell u... cuz then u can just try to act it out in case u want me to like u...

with all that thoughts and tendencies... all i can hope is that either i find someone i never feel mad at, or someone i love so damn well that i dont feel anything he does as a turn off... to get me thinking i am in a wrong deal because this thought is very dangerous... it makes me avoid u ignore u... be cold to u... and never care for u... until u do something to get me back ... which is a chance thing, as i dont beleive telling ppl how i want them to be... besides that it never works, its a proven fail strategy...

but as easy as i find myself liking and disliling girls and boys... the hard i find to be able to like someone consistently enuf to marry him and then consistently enuf to stick with him for the rest of my life... without having a bad face or miserable looks, like i am doing soemthing i wish i didnt had to do...

when i am married the only emotions i want to feel is i am happy, sad, hurt, hopeful, disappointed, unsure, scared, crazy, lively, cheerful, faltu, wise, freindly, supportive, understanding, clingy, optimistic, caring, responsible, ecstatic, but never miserable, feeling like being in a place i want to get out of... no never... cuz thats the only thing that makes me quit and move out... that is one place which is unbearable, impossible...

and that i feel he is one of my buddies i never care to call or talk cuz they dont have anything great to share... not are interested in wat i have to share...

i try to think of how to keep that interest and excitement and love and beauty in it no matter how long we are... and so its very natural of me to stop on any advise that is pertained on how to have a wonderful married life... and i got these beautiful advises which i cant wait to start living...

1- Write love letters to each other every day, telling the good things and bad things... and honest felt things, and questions, and likes and dislikes and appreciations...(you can have these letters as the romantic gifts to spice up ur everyday married life) (as a rule try to keep is as simple and small as possible and as meaning ful... I love u is better then a 2 page essay... and yes woman like to read more then men... so if u as a man will write a page or even 2 woman will love them... even if it tells us wat we do which u dont like... its helps us know how to be around u giving us a clear way to always be in ur heart...:)

2- try journaling with ur spouse
thats something of the same... but in this... u tell abt ur day and little things u noticed and want to bring to each others attention... small thinsg which one does which u feel abt like u were releived to find ur breakfast ready when u got up, so u didnt had to make it urself... or well other cute things which u do for each other...


3- sex is imp... and the more happy ur sex life is the more youthful, happy and exciting ur marriage will be... and for this to be good u need to be open to communication and be able to communicate in ways that improved it and not lessesns it... one fact which i will also agree on that we(woman) love be dominated by a right man... a man we trust and can give in to without fearing of being laughed or mocked or be taken for granted...

and for that woman need to perceive their man as someone supreme then her and rightly so... we arre able to trust and respect them and listen to them and obey them... and yet feel great abt that... when on the other hand we treat our guys with less respect, on the daily basis... and not treating them like God... we end up not being attracted to them... and lose the excitement and lust for them...
so its good to be comfortable and friendly with ur spoused and think of them as freinds... but its great to know when to switch into surrendering to them and let them please and be pleased by u...:)

if a girl loves a guy, she will be able to give him that for she knows how to get her man be the best one in the lot...she sees him in such high place that he juts becomes God... even when he is just a normal human... and its possible... of course by God i dont mean God... (i mean after God the most imp person) and he has to probve he is worthy of it... ifg he will be a loser and starts taking it ina wrong way a girl also knows how to get him down and never to let him rise again...:)

Later...

to love ur kids is one thing... to be beneficial for them is another...

Suddenly i realized i am not very safe for kids:) kids need to refrain interacting with me... or i need to refrain interacting with them... to communicate less and only where most necessary and in a way only beneficial is a skill i am going to have a hard time learning, but i need to before i think of bringing my kids in this world...:)

I found the love i wanted...

It was like majic, it was like dream come true... it was all i had dreamed over the years, every feeling i had thought i wud feel when i wud see him, hear him, touch him, think him...

and so only i know how it feels giving it up ...

its like u have been asked to tear ur heart out and give... it like u are asked to give ur world and what i dont like is you ppl dont ever let me cry... u tell me i am a stupid girl who is creating a scene... u tore my dreams, u killed my hopes, u snatched my floor off my feet and when i cried instead of holding me, hugging me, crying with me... all you had to say... you will find one again...

What if i tell u dont mourn ur son... here take my son... isnt he gorgeous... wat wud u do in that instant... wat wud u feel... if u were mocked like that on the death of ur most cherished, most desired dream... wudnt u scream back saying i wish u cud know this pain... i wish u wud have felt it once to really know how it is... and i wish u wud have to part with something so dear and i wud put a hold on ur tears, and pull ur lips on the side myself in a smile... and ask u to smile like this as if nothing happened...

Trust me u wud ask me to vanish or u wud hit me so hard...

My anger knows no bound... my pain will not go to waste... my tears will find justice... one day... i know... one day i and you will be standing at the feet of God... and i will ask him for justice... for the WHY, and will ask him to ask u why?

Jesus Christ Give me Water!

Today when aunty downstairs called me to get the pump on to see if water comes... i opened it and decided i will not recite durrod as i usually did but instead try Jesus christ...

so i said jesus christ please give me some water... and then i said jesus christ i know i am a muslim and u r isa... but think i am christian and i call u... so i am calling u like a christian who has faith in u calls... and there water came... gushing...

hence proved...whether u call Rasulallah, Jesus Chris, Isa As... or Imam Husain... sicne all are men of God... with the pact if u will call us with faith we shall come to ur aid... theres not a posiibility they wudnt... for allah ka aur allah ke bendon ka waada haq hai... aur beleivers ko kabhi is baat per shaq ho hi nahi sekta...:)

trying to make sense and failing terribly:)

I dont know why i get this urge to find solution for my problem in every communication i have with anyone

for me every step that i take is toward helping me in someway... it has to be beneficial, it has to be interesting, and it has to be comfortable and supportive of me and the other person...

is it the case with you all.

I know this has been the case with me since i was 5 yrs old...

i had never been with ppl just to pass time... i was there for a reason... when i was 12 and fell in love ... my talks were to secure this person and finally marry him... yes i was ready to think marriage from that age... for i beleive if u can fell in love then u can marry... and come to think of it its not a bad thought... if i had liked the person and he was caring for me... and i was caring for him... we wud somehow do everything to make life easy and happy for both of us...

but for 8 yrs i waited on him... and sulking, went to school, passed my inter, got by bachelors... and got a job... waiting for him all that long, crying sometimes and feeling happy other times... not to forget having those absolutely lovely times... trips... and so many other exciting stuff... but one problem was there... i wasnt yet married to him... and i was getting older by day...:)

today i am 32... and the problem remains i am not married... i have got so manhy of my dreams met including going to europe, USAAAAAAa:) i dreamed abt it when i was 12 ... to be in usa and then a voice in my head used to say... it doesnt happen to girls like u... u dont have a mole beneathe ur foot...:) i was that pessimistic... but i still dreamed... and one day it happened... dont ask how... but it did... so it will be understatement if i say my dreams dont come true... just that i dont feeellll thaaaaat happppppyyyy when they happen... i am like thisss happy... :) but dreams come true...

so my brother asked me to go look out for guys... "u dont need to shut ur doors if u need to finally get settled... and wat i see is u have closed ur doors and thats not how problems get solved"... and i was like ill try... and wat do u think my best bet was ... (FB) u bet... cuz i am not going to those rishta wali aunties... they bring guys of their choice... and then they are extra angry when u reject them... and think they are doing a favor bringing them on ur doorstep... i know i am bad... i know i dont deserve to see more men... but i dont do it on purpose... it doesnt happen... and yes this is true too that YOU came through one of those aunties too and YOU i i fell in love isntantly... but that was juts one case out of those 50 unsuccesful ones, and if thats the ratio ... then it means i will have to see 50 other men to find one yes man... which means 50 more angry ppl:( but is it my fault... how can i say why i chose, wat i chose and dont, wat i dont... how can i say...i juts feel its my way... my life my fate... and most of the time i enjoy my decisions and i never regret... but then sometimes when meeting the right person takes so long...i start doubting myself... theres some problem... something terribly wrong... and u r bot trying to work on it...:(


anyways... so in order to finally give myself the shot to atleast look ...i started typing names... (bohri names... i am a bohri and thats who i can marry... no thats one thing which i and my family amde the rule...i am ok with it i love it and i want it ) but i didnt like wat i see... so then i decided to think if i knew someone from before... and then i remember this guy i came across a month back... 'YB'... he seemed interesting, nice, and his wall had some interesting videos... quality videos... but i felt he was younger then me and may be not someone who wud appreciate me... so now i was in a fix again... wat if he is younger then wats the point... ... kya kerein... finally after a bit of thinking i messaged him... hi how r u doing... and it went pretty smooth from there... but he is 26 and i am 32 so thats out of question... but acha nahi legta... yeh kehna " suney we dont match in age... i am looking for guy to marry... and since u wont be ever interested in soemone older then u... wats the point..."

so i didnt ... instead iw ent with my and his flow... i am not expecting anything to happen ... we may be not a perfect match for two reasons... my age, and my ways... even though i am interesting, i am resepctful, i am fun and i am honest...

so our last conversation was this... and i dont know how i sounded to him and wat impression i made, cuz i cannot think abt my impressions... i have to say and do wat comes in my mind in the moment...so i dont know... but i have done it... aur dunya mein agar merey paas yeh option keror baar bhi ayey... to mein yehi keroongi jo meney kiya... and this defines me...


Me: more then places i have distinct ppl to meet
but i will be in mumbai
and will be going on a ziarat tour

He: yep....people is the most important
who do u have in mumbai

Me: not family
u will find this very silly

He: its ok...give it a shot

Me: i am specifically going to meet Maula... and Salman Khan


He: haha...Maula isn't in Mumbai currently right?

Me: he will be hopefully
else i wud have gone to london
but my passports are with the faiz
i have to meet him
i ahve got an arzi to make

He: and did u confirm the schedule with salman

Me: oh man
dont ask
but if i set my mind to something
nothing stops me
nothing stops me
so milna to hai
kesey miltay hain thats a mystery

Me: so where do u belong to in india

He: i am from mumbai

Me: oh... thats nice
have u ever been into bolly wood... interested in that all (stupidist question, but it was already out)

He: no...u mean studios?...no

Me: i mean having favorite actors (cudnt know how to change the track of conversation to something better, hence)

He: i used to watch movies....long time since good movies came out
well...i like aamir khan...
and katrina for her beauty,...sux at acting though

Me: yes i like him too
he is outstanding in his work

He: i do like kajol ...but again no movies recently

Me:after jub we met...
i kind of started liking her acting skills too
my moms a fan of her

He: thats kareena

Me: oh ok
katrina
yeh
she doenst know how to act

He:Kareena is acceptable...but thats one of the only few movies
jab we met was really good

Me: yes... beautiful movie

He:it gives me a nostalgic feeling...since i watched it with my family

Me: how mnay are u

He:i have a younger sis
and i am really close with my maternal cousins and masis

Me: just one sis

He:yeah

Me: nice (lame phrase, cudnt think of anything better)
i hope i am not interrupting ur work
u r free to let me know... min faarigh hoon

He:its ok...as long as u dont mind me replying late

Me: not at all
but i dont want to effect ur performance...
work comes first

He: its ok

Me: hows the job market there in USA (i think its a smart question... i wanted to know his views)


He: improving i have heard...
i dont have that much knowledge but so far i haven't had any trouble...

Me: how abt settling in with spouse... do u need to have a working spouse to meet the ends meet

He: yes...otherwise, it could get pretty tough...also, here there is not so much a wife can do without working
she will be bored

Me: but u need some kind of aqualification to take up a job that really pays u good

He: yeah...thats true...or experience

Me: hmmm (i suck at jobs... i shudnt ever look for a spouse in USA, wat if i cant find a job)

He: some ppl do somehow get good jobs without qualifications...but then there is the visa trouble too

Me: yes
last time i came there...
ofcourse i was on the visit visa
so didnt bother

He: what have uu studied?

Me: but when i think abt taking a job... there... u can find it not exactly wat u wud like
but u cud get soemthing
mba
and BCS
although i dont remeber anything abt my BCS
i had been working in marketing ehre for more then 5 yrs

He: ohh...mba is good enough to get the visa and job

Me: (contnuing talking without hearing him:P bad habbit )but then i got allergic to the role
so i thot i wont go for marketing again...
so i am thinking now to take soem courses
but havent been able to decide wat to do

He: courses in pakistan or USA?

MeL pakistan... they are way cheaper here
in usa if i get a good one
that gets me a good job in the desired field
i am more into
welnness studies
i was thinking of having my own wellness centre at home... but then i am not sure if i am going to stay here and future is so
hazy i dont want to invest nor i am able to make a mind

He: yeah...thats the case with most people at our stage

Me: (spilling non stop, did i need to, wat was the point i did anyways, i always do, every one needs to know everything abt me )also i applied for
canadian immigration
in 2006
that time they told me u will be gettinga call around after 2 -3 yrs
now when i chekc it its 6 yrs
so i am not sure
if its going to happen soon
sometimes i plan to go look for work in another city in pakistan
to be on my own
and experience that
but then pakistan is not safe
for girls alone... and i have been always with my family
i kind of get scared thinking abt it (bla bloa bla)

He:: yeah...i have also heard these things...try US or india...it should be better

Me: i am thinking of a place that has easy visa requirements and a safe place... scenic, asd even if i dont have someone i can enjoy the nature there... and then a job that i enjoy even if it doenst pay me a lot
but then karachi seems good too
its home and u can get a nice place to work
that doenst pay u well but u r close to family (there is not a stop button in me... may be it tells soemthing bt my mental state...)

He:that is always the dream...but u can't really get all those attributes at one place (giving up this dreamer, isn't a real person, i am better off without her or she will drive me crazy)

Me: (continuing without thinking wat he thinks)i ahve never been career oriented or ambitious
for money
or role
i juts wnated to enjoy myself and be happy
with little wat ever

He: gtg for lunch...ttyl (totally turned off)

Me: sure bye

He: bye



End


Wat do u guys think... and i know wat ull say... may be i am all that... but then its me...and i know i suck at findinga guy... cuz this is how i do it... everytime... i dont know a better way... but if god has someone in made for me... he will be able to see beyond this and find the courage and willingness to have me... wont he:)

leave ur comments on wat u think abt me in the conversation mode...

Punching u hard is all i think of:)

Talking to no one helps and its totally understandable(humans, including parents are bookish and serious and hopeless)... wat kind of crap i have got myself into, Gunah maaf thai gaya, or i wonder if i am being forgiven or this is adding to my sin :) and silence is adamant to take forever to grant me the solution:(...giving up never was, is or will be a possibility... Lerki u have got urself a wakhri fate:) as long as u r planning to get out a block buster... u have every rite to laugh abt this... but i do get this urge to some punch someone in the face...

Oh Khudaya.... maney itni beri galti kesey kerli.... i thot it was a childs play... yeh itna gruesome kesey hogaya...

But then i know i will never do it... yes punch u...nah... i am way to silly and stupid and respectful to do something like that... i am a neat girl and i will die being a neat girl...

i am lame... i am a loser... to love someone like u... there is no other way i wud have gotten myself into this hopless situation....God can u help me out... ok i give up... i thot i can handle this on my own... i am a big girl... but i guess i will never be big enuf to think i can think better of myself then u... so i kind of give u the reigns to handle this as u like... only make sure... u make it like really clear to me... so that my mind cannot confuse me into taking the wrong hint... clear signs one that i cannot unsee like the broad day... like make him ugly, scary , like a demon... dont make him goodlooking, charming, handsome... or sweet... make him like a villain... like a dinosaur, like a snake that u cannot find anything pleasing abt... stuff him with such bad stuff that as soon as i see him i like scream and run for my life... noooo not towards him away from him... like worlds away... to someone who really is who u wanted... so u know i can recognise him like my knight in the armour...God... i know i sound silly... and acting like this is a joke... but i wish it was i wish life wasnt serious... like bad ppl only were in movies and not in real world...and that u cud easily make out who is right for u and who isnt...i wish...:)

Small talk with my Brother...

B:Who gave u this?

Me:What... that

B: Yes

Me: Habiba apa

B: Reading the title of the book.. "if life is a game these are the rules"...Did she say its good

Me: no... she just thot i am into these kinds of stuff..

B:Read one sentence and then " who wud read this to solve their problems

Me: yeh then how do u solve ur problems...where do u get solution..

B: no one can give u solution to ur problems...

Me: yeh then where they come from... u urself create them without outside help...

B: yes from inside of me...the solution comes from the problem itself

Me: what?

B: yes if u see the situation from one perspective its a problem... if u see it from another its the solution... you have to move to another angle and see it and then it wont be a problem.

Me:really, from what angle?:) show me...

B: i cant teach u... u need to learn it urself ...

Me: then i will try... and he said... thats good and we shook hands...

Me thinking: he does have a point... may be he is trying to give me one thing which will end all my problems once and for all...
this problem i am in... is it juts a matter of seeing it... am i just not letting myself see it in a different light... i am so adamant ... so rigid... so non forgiving... and a voice deep down says yes...
Me: thinking hard...i hate u...i wish i can just be indifferent to u...

Love is a Mistake! But one worth Making!

i am happy abt it... making a mistake always makes me happy, for it opens me to the possibilities that i had locked on myself cuz of fearing it...

But like every mistake u make... u have to pay a small price... sometimes it comes with a broken leg, sometimes with a broken heart, sometimes with a broken trust, sometimes with a broken teeth:) and sometimes with a broken dream and hope...

I emailed him... i was asked by maula not to converse with him but i did it... after waiting and keeping myself away every time remembering Maula has asked me not to and getting that will to keep myself away from a trouble which was tempting... i cudnt... today... i wasnt meaning to send him this email... like an urge i had always i used to write it and then delete it... but this time... when i entered hoping to go on to the next line... something horrible happened... i was on FB messaging and there when u enter it means u send it... and so i was done... doomed done... now i wait for the reaction from u... which i hope is one which frees me from u... or blends me with u... sometimes as kids when we want to run into that very thing that is there to destroy us we are asked by our parrents to stay away from... they use anger, they use every kind of possible way to make us do which they know is best and... as kids we somehow finally get over it...cuz we havent yet learned abt being a rebel and how good it feels to be so... but as a kid i was never a rebel... anything that i cudnt tell my parrents abt was a no... it was wrong simple and farida wudnt do it... not juts that... u cudnt even tempt her to do it... the only way u cud make her do it was to get her drunk... and u wud have to be a devil to do that...

But as if i was blinded... or may be so much of failures in hooking up and being true to someone had made me a little flaky and unsure abt myself... so much as to blindly give in to ur unjust demands... just to make it happen... but everytime i made a wrong deal... i paid for it... and didnt know when i got myself into a sticky place, which wud only lead me to hopelessness, despair, dishonour and mess... nothing good could come out of this...and may be some goodness in me saved me from it... or may be someone loved me too well to help me in this time... and if he had not loved me so well i wud have not known what i had got myself into... this is how temptations work they blind u and turn u into a sinner... and u dont even know or recognize it... and then u juts get lucky if u are able to say no to it... and hold on to it... its juts a matter of luck that u created for urself being a good person in many places, making the right choices, doing the right thing... even if it hurted u...:) getting in trouble is no big deal... getting out of it is... and it seems one more time i got myself in trouble... but then i had been in trouble since the day u entered my world...if i come to think of it... if u r trouble then i wont be trouble free until u leave as silently as u come...

Bhabi! you complete us!

woh ronaq hai... meri perchai hai... meri umeed hai, mera releif hai, that she is there to take care of my family way better then i cud...releasing me, enabling me, supporting me, befriending me...and when i see her there... happy, peaceful, comepletely at home... much more at home then i ever cud be... i feel this is wat we need to understand... that a daughter feels best when she goes to her own home...

You give my hand to someone else now:)

You say he is going to love me exactly like you and u ask me to love him like i loved u. To love another like u... doesnt come naturally to me... loving u wasnt effortless either... it shattered me in ways from a very young age...even though u were spotless... my mind and heart werent...they were full of spots and as i tried getting closer to u..the spots got lightened... and finally when i felt my heart was spotless, u ask me to transfer this spotless love and faith to another...For you cannot stay here with us forever.

We all have been aware of this fact from the days we are born. And we understood how natural and necessary this transfer is... but still i need time enuf time to be able to give msyelf to Him. to be able to see and love him like i loved u... and promise me maula before i do, u will stay with me... protecting me, admonishing me, gripping me, stabling me. For i dont want to go through that trouble again... that depression, those dark fearful, scary nights, that blinding pain, that killing pain... that made it easier for me to die but life became a night mare... this time make it easy for me... easier then it has ever been... make me fall in love with him instantly so that i dont doubt him like i doubted u...for i wasted lot of my happy times cuz of that doubt... and i cannot care to lose more of those precious time.

Promise me

You wont judge me when i tell u my likes and dislikes
even if i do
you wont hate me when i mess up
even if i do
you wont leave me for someone else
even if i do
you wont look down on me
even if i do
you wont look at another girl
even if i do
you wont treat me like shit
even if i do
you wont make fun of me in front of ur friends
even if i do
you wont talk abt me behind my back
even if i do
you will not talk to anyone else or have fun without me
even if i do


Why?

just cuz you are better then me:)and i wudnt like u to change cuz of me:)

O' Maula!

o maula... wat do i do without you...:) wat do we do... for we are standing tall cuz u stand with us... we are comfortable cuz u cushion us... we are protected for u r our sky and home.. we are wealthy cuz u r our wealth... we have a reason to smile for u smile back...and give us life when we think we are abt to die and break down... and when we cant hold on... u raise a voice that makes us grip u tghter ..as long as we have u we are good, we are full.. u r the heaven for wat will be a place which wont have u in it...and wat will i do with a heaven that doesnt have u...:) for it lies in ur heart at ur feet in ur way in ur eyes...:)Love you with all my heart and soul

May you live long, healthy, blissed, blessed, safe and sound:)

hehehe Lol!

Somewhere behind a loser there is a big possibility of a winner existing...to all those losers... who i never give a second look...i hope one day u prove my judgement wrong for its juts a bloody judgement...one my limited mind makes on the very limited things u do, screening the vast possibility that exists in each one of us that we fail to remember just when we need to...:) and to all those winners it takes a moment to turn into a loser!


it was that rumbling that i feel makes me feel good abt myself...:) temporarily...

i sometimes wonder wat kind of a guy it will constitute, to pair with a person like me... i mean seriously my mind cannot conceive it... why else u think i wud be still single:P

But tonight i had a wonderful time... what i experienced was... cool karachi coastal air, long drive, happy serene family, creek in, the beautiful canopy and baithak, dashing young waiters including that tom cruise part 2... where actually he is part 2 cuz he reminded me of tom cruise... now i can proudly say tom cruise reminds me of him...:)he is juts that awesome.. but he was not just good looking, he was hospitable, respectful, well mannered, well spoken, well dressed well groomed, well ...well well...:) lol is that a crush... well no... its not... it cant be... i cant keep having crushes like this... i have an eye for beauty... i enjoyed him just as much as i enjoy may be tom cruise ... so does that mean i have crushes on them no... tats not it... i juts enjoy experiencing men, i am a woman... so well its natural ... blame God for that:) but yes...its bad when i stop on every good looking man... hoping i found him finally... and cursing msyelf for being this way... and how u used to hate me for this... and blamed me for beinga loser:P ...but wat wud u think of me... crushing on every good looking guy there is... and not even that good looking guy, sometimes juts a guy... who has anything that grabs my attention...

But i know for once i will be engaged or married... i will have a special pair of eyes juts for u... and the normal ones which i have will be for the rest of the beauties... just in case u feel insecure... and well it will be u i will be taking all the nakhras of...:)

anyways wat to say abt the night it was serene, it was pleasant, i felt pampered... it was sweet, it was something i want to experience every once in a while... and finding a place in karachi, for which i feel this kind of affinity is some thing... for i am the one... who goes into stuff for experimenting only and then i'm like theek tha... Next:)

What do we do? I lack and i know:(

What do we do when she has stopped to move us... her existence we have become oblivion of... and she feels this change suddenly all the time?


we recognize these untold questions in her eyes " u dont talk to me any more, you are always busy here and there...u dont even smile at me anymore or not as often as i think u used to...you dont even say i love you and that you cant think life without me..."

"I am the same someone who u used talk endlessly abt things, who u to watch sleeping and coming closer to see if she was still breathing in fear what if u r no more...and when ur friends used to hate u u used to come home and find her witing for u and embracing u and u used to think atleast i have her, and now i walk past u without u even caring to raise an eyebrow... But yes you call me when u r sick, when u have something to share which u cannot think to share with anyone else... when u suddenly need some advise which i am the best person to get it from... and well when u need anything which only i can give to u... but once the need is over i again become like no body..."

And v know its true... v know vu r acting in very selfish ways... yet v feel its something which comes natural to us... and v want something abt that person to excite us so much that v start looking at them more then v look at the computer screen, or television, or news paper, or, the plate of food, or the shops and the accessories loaded, or the clouds, or the moon, or the girl that went past u or the man , or even a mali, or that kid v had never seen before... or anything which is not as old as her...

But she fails to raise that excitement... to give us something new to look abt to comment about, to grab our attention...

But this person is one... v will leave the whole world if she calls u to come rescue her from something which is abt to harm her, or have harmed her... she is that one person v will break anyones finger if he/she ever points at her... she is that one person v will protect over our life...she is that one person v will knowv will want to know is having someone to keep her company... even when v fail to provide it... and someone v will get worried if hasn't reached home on the time she usually comes back... who v will call all her friends and acquaintances, when she leaves the cell at home... who v want to know where she is if v wake up and she isn't there when she is supposed to be... and v send out a prayers she is fine and safe... and v feel relieved when v find her laughing and gossiping, or having beads in her hand sitting on a chair on the terrace...

and when u see her u give her a quick look and move out... hoping that she must not see that tear in our eyes... sometimes of self pity, sometimes for the stupid pain which she cannot take away... nor any tablet or doctor, sometimes that stupid laugh which v r too embarrassed to share with her... or anything which v know she cannot comprehend... for theres a generation gap... which keep getting wider... as v keep coming across millions of different thoughts and information and problems and concerns pulling us to leave that safe cocoon, which suddenly has become too boring and help for these problems is out there and we reach for the wider more crazier world which she isn't in touch with... for she is only in touch with us...

for she only cares for us... where as v care for the whole world...

for she only needs us where as v need the whole world...

and for she only thinks abt us... where as v think abt the whole world...

for v are her world... and she is just part of our world...

She is a mother... and v are that kid, which is fascinated by everything that is new around him/her which if she doesn't reach out to she will miss out... for a mom u can never miss out... u have her for waiting on u, looking for u, watching over u for the eternity...

until v become a mother and then v have a kid just like us and a world that is even more fascinating, more exciting more, devouring, more inticing, more indulging then what we had..and v will be a mother whose kids keep wandering, and may peeps once in a while, if we have been lucky and were kind to our parents in their old age...

My Heart is tugged to u... and i cannot break it free

Its great when u r that sweet voice in my heart, telling me i still have u and we are destined to remain in each others heart forever... its saddening and heart losing when i feel u have started on a path that will take u millions of worlds away...never to meet again, not in this world or heavens above...

Under construction

"God has to do a work IN you before He can do a work THROUGH you." we are always under construction and then one day in that state of construction we die... and then we keep being constructed in another world... for perfection is a state which takes eternity to happen... and eternity doesn't have an end:)

Some are less constructed then us...some assume they are wonderfully constructed until they see someone better constructed then them and then construction on self is restarted... some try closing their eyes so they can avoid the pain and efforts required to construct themselves but they met with an accident which opens their eyes and now they have to start constructing... for their own good and betterment.

So if you come across a person, you dont think is well constructed, know that you will also come across a person who is better constructed then u... and before commenting on him be sure you will not be escaping comments abt u... and if those comments dont give u a good feeling avoid having and giving others too...:)

When i hear ppl talking abt others flaws... i wonder how easy it is for them to ignore their own flaws... I have them they have them everyone has them...then why point to others...when u have ur ownself to point it and work on...We have a lot to work on ourselves... its a blessing we have ppl to love us and care for us and devoted to us even in our state of imperfection and flawed existence...

And i will try now a little more to cherish and value and care for them...and not act like i am doing a favor existing and living with them...

God silently watches us...He is truly gracious for showing us our mistakes and giving us a chance to get better... cuz if he doesnt... that Day He will not be the same old God, we so easily take for granted and justify our wrongdoings to. And then we will have no one to turn to and get plead and show our tears and fears to. That day our justifications will not make sense like they usually do

Sunday June 05, 2011

Dont know if i need to remember this day or not.

I have to see you Maula, i want to meet you once, mujhey apney paas bulalo! Maula Please!

ik baar mujhey apna chehra dikhado mujhey smile kerdo maula... mujh pe nazar kerdo maula... mujhey apnbi pyar bhari nazar se ik aur baar dekh lo... mujhey saairab kerdo maula...

Maula

Maula Salamat Raho, Raat din hai Dua
Taa- Hashr Baaqi Reho Ae Burhanul Huda


Ibddaaa'a ke tarey mein qurbaan
Do jag ke saharey mein qurbaan

Tahir(S) key Dularey Main Qurban
Tayyab(AS) ke Piyarey main qurban

Ae Maula Muhammad Mai Qurban
Yaqoote Muhammad(SAW) Mein Qurbaan
Hum naame Muhammad(SAW) Main Qurbaan
Hum Shaane Muhammad (SAW) Main Qurbaan

Ae Daaiy-e- Yezdaan Main Qurban

Ibddaa Key taarey main Qurban
Tayyab key piyarey mein Qurban
Tahir key Dularey Main Qurban
Do jag ke saharey mein Qurbaan

:(

This Day, This Life

This day, this life dedicated to u My Maula:( and to those i am given in care of and for all those moments when lifes cares, the hustle bustle and beauties and excitements and triviality takes my mind away from u...forgive me and ignore my incompetencies and inability to pay for your love.

Though i know you are in shape of a mortal, i want to forget and not accept this fact of life that one day you shall be leaving us... for once i want God to change his laws... For God can and He has, hasn't he, from Getting the moon and trees to move from their place and come bow to Rasulallah, to having marry the virgin to give birth to Jesus, from letting Moses to get his upbringing in the pharohs own palace when he for fear of moses being born had asked all the kids to be killed...

So its highly possible... But yes why wud u do it for a silly girl like me... i dont know but i dont care... for all those dreams which are still to come true... and for me to be able to know You are there even when i am physically world away... but you are there breathing, praying smiling, relaxing, sitting, talking...and listening to my endless arzis, prayers and answering them exactly when i need to hear from you, helping me make those decisions and taking those steps, which i am unable to take without you watching and telling me you can do it and i am there to watch and ensure they turn out in your best interest...:)

So i need you... i need for me, for my kids for their kids till the end of time till eternity till the end of this world... So Maula... i am going to pray with the faith that it has to come true... May you live Long till the day of judgement...hoping that by a miracle this will come true... if only it doesn't mean you will have to suffer cuz of this...for to see u in pain is worse then letting u go...

Love and trust go hand in hand!

As soon as i remember you which is every other moment, i log on to FB and watch ur profile one more time... as if, if i dont i will miss the train i was supposed to be on... and there i see u lying in that same position u had been for more then 4 weeks now...

You haven't changed your profile pic, which tells me something abt u and ur days...:) and though i hadnt liked it when u put this pic on as, i cudnt see the u, , instead found someone who looked like u,showing off the world look at me i am the great....no names... i felt sad and bad...

Now as i keep viewing it... i catch a glimpse of the same u, i was so comfortable, totally myself with... and see a sadness in ur eyes and i know where the pain coming from... u dont have me nor anyone like me to listen to ur scoldings, to ur confessions, to ur manly quests, to ur new buys, including the car, to give u a sound piece of advise, to give u a hifive, to give u a thums up, to give u a cuddle to give u a massage...:) juts the online one... to give u the peck, to give u those thousand prayers, to laugh at ur jokes, to make u smile, to be ur guardian angel as u slept oblivion to me or my feelings... i bet u miss all that, u may have taken them all for granted when i was all there... u being ensured she has no place to go and trust me i dont have... but... now u cant have me, for this time i am not going to be tempted by my heart to make it easy for u... to have me when u need me (for someone holds me in the place and i cannot move in ur direction even when my heart craves, and goes blind in yearning to reach out to u and get the needs met, then i find a stable force, enabling me to get back to a sensible position)... this time... its a little different and complicated... for this time... u will need to cross the shores, climb the highest mountains, travel the lonely roads, spend a thousand dollars before u can have me back... for love comes in ur life as a free gift, but if u mess with it, it asks of u a price u cannot really pay with all of ur whole life...

Nikah, The meeting of two souls:)

This is a pic of Nikah ceremony held of my cousin sister in UK London.

On Right is the father of bride and on left is the groom. Inside the piece of clothe their hands are binded, as Maula, our one and only spirtual guardian, speak the vows out...

The Groom here is making a pact to the father of the bride that he is going to take care of his daughter and they shall both be abiding by the holy laws and the rest of the vows, ensuring this holy matrimony is a success not juts for the two of them but every life that is touched by them... ensuring faith and love of God to stay in the generations to come...:)

Brother is in Town!

Late night talks wanting the other to quit bringing up topics so that we can finally hit it off,eyes heavy with sleep yet tempted to reply back, until one totally shouts out... bus ab ik awaz nahi niklay gi... go to sleep everyone:) breakfast extended till middays... sleeping at odd hours and then again up for another toast of silly to imp discussions ranging from religion to politics, to finance, to future plans to my wedding dilemma to his upcoming wedding plans, to his feelings, to my feelings to moms feelings while dad takes all in silence with a placid smile...talking and more talking between suppers, prayers, going out...

Brother is in Town

Water crisis!

Water has become a rare commodity...in our home...

And every night as i put on the suction... i recite salawat, praying to God to be kind enough to send enough water so that we can easily use it the next day long...

Sometimes it comes somedays doesnt...

There were times when water used to over flow and we used to wash the whole terrace with water... now we dont even have enuf to water the few plants... and every day i walk outside a prayer is sent to them... God please let them live... send them enuf livelihood... for these plants are just as much part of our family as those ducks which our neighbours have taken as pets... and mostly left to roam around for food on our streets...

for this time if my plants die i will not buy them again... reason... i dont have enuf water for them...

And when during this crisis, i come across news like India is responsible for our water shortages as they have got illegitimate hold on our part of the water... my sentiments of anger arouse for the indian government... and i am suddenly looking at them as enemy...

And then i sent a prayer to Gulab, for he lives in an even more destitute place then i... and to even imagine he ever went to sleep with no food or water makes my heart reach out to see if he (My kid, one i cudnt give birth to) is sleeping peacefully... and that his parrents have ample to ensure he is always well provided...

and not juts Gulab so many of the people residing around the country around the world...for if u cannot afford enuf food and water... u r facing the worlds biggest injustice... dont mind the lack of education, electricity... but water and bread... how can anyone survive without that...

If God is the only one who can do anything abt it... then Allah i ask you to provide ample for ur creation...everywhere... no matter how much man himself tries to snatch away from each other...

She scares me! yes she does!

Her face tortures me, disturbs me in ways no one ever did... for she is his Ex, someone who held his world when i was non existing...strange but he and her, they didnt had a need to ever enter my world or ever cross my paths had they been two placid souls... in love with each other as they both claimed they had been for so many years... had they never took love for granted, or thought one to be as easily replaceable as they thought it was...

If i someday, without knowing her for who she was, had came across her, would she still had made the same dent or impression on me... as she did when one day out of the blue i got her email in my mail box introducing me to who she was, and calling me names and things i never thought anyone cud use for me, shaking my being...though for so many months, even wanting to meet her myself and constantly asking him to show me her, and his refusal, she entered and took away the peace i had got myself as i tried building my world around him, learning to finally let go of my guard, letting him inside, showing him my world and my inner most privelledges spaces that i had reserved for someone i wud one day call my husband, my soulmate, my everything...

But her face casts a shadow on me , as i cannot really makeup who is more unjust in this situation... me for ever thinking to have a future with him or she for coming back rocking my world, leaving it dented...

Soo far my life was completely a fairy tale... He is not my first love... i had been sincerely, if not passionately in love with two men previously... and to be very honest had they reciprocated those feelings, i wud have gladly stayed with them till eternity, for love for me is unreplaceable...

Foor me , snatching someone, pinning someone to myself is never a natural need... for i beleive we all belong to God... and to ever claim someone is all ours is only denying the truth...... and so... the need to be possessive never corsses me... i never knew how to be posessive abt any one... for me from my brothers to my mom, to my nani... to my room, to my clothes every thing had been sharable... But i knew for one thing i wont be ever be able to share my love my husband with another... to have to share him was a nightmare i cud never think i cud live, i wud live single all my life, never be loved, but that i had to share him with another woman, never, not in my life. I would gladly give up my love had he ever shown feelings for anyone, but if he felt for me and i felt for him, there was no way i wud let anyone enter my world and ruin my peace of mind and home. But i dont think God ever intented for me someone who was not meant for just me alone...


If he is hers then he cant be mine... and if he is mine then i dont need to ever fear him to ever be someone elses...

But something abt wat we had, makes me wonder, who he truly belongs with... me or her... and this answer doesnt seem to have a clear picture...


But her face makes me want to befriend her to know... what exactly was the reason for their parting, where exactly is the devil lying that makes them both incapable to stay happy together... and wat exactly is the reason that doesnt let them even part without feeling like life is unjust...

For the decision to come together was theirs, the decision to part was theirs too... then why fate is the culprit, God the decider... when they themselves are making these decisions... why are they reluctant to take the responsibilty of their own actions.

And why everytime i see her remeniscing in her past, make me feel he hasnt told me the whole trth... that there is more to it then wat he has shared... that somewhere wat she has become isnt completely her fault... that somewhere in her ruin, he has been a complete contriubutor... and somewhere in his ruin she has been a contributor too...

But as i wait for their stories to unwind further and i to find a path for myself... i simply cannot say what i really feel for that woman... She is strong, she is independant, she is beautiful and she is assured of herself, yet she draws from him a strength which she cannot get from anywhere else... and that is wat she misses when ever she feels he will be taken away from her...

yet for him... all i know is... he is trapped in the past, which he cannot undo or rectify... she is a part of his life which he simply cannot erase, and until then he cannot really do away with...


But everytime i see her face, i feel my heart cringe ... and my beautiful day losing its color... as if i had been smacked with acid... and this feeling i know needs to be healed... for i need to know how a kid, turns into an acid... and if she isnt totally responsible for it... why blame her for the harm...when she touches anyones life... for she wasnt born acid... she turned into one... didnt she and when u try to understand wat led it happen... the story will hold him somewhere in the very centre of that story...culprit or not... thats something i need to know...

as for him... he has hurt me, broken my heart and trust in ways... yet something abt him tugs to my heart like a kid which u cannot unlove no matter how many msitakes he makes... or may be its my weakness, once loved, i cannot learn to unlove someone... and i took a fairly long and concrete way to get him there... for the journey... had been a very painful, yet miraculous one...


if he has been the reason for my most painful times... he is also the reason for my most beautiful and comforting times...

But she...do i and her have a reason too? is she here to teach me something tell me something or is it just something i shudnt bother myself with?

In trance!

in trance... :) lost gone...i wish i am not needed, not asked for, not called, for i dont like to disappoint ppl when i am in a trance... lost in a moment which has my heart... and until the feeling leaves me i will be in it... restless, aroused, drowned...Need a Blow to bring me out of this... sometimes reality means nothing to me...

X- Factor India

SO i was crying half the time... and smiling the rest even laughing:) X Factor does that...

You come from all around india to prove your singing talents, and the feelings and hopes and dreams associated with it is something truly amazing...

I cudnt help my tears when there was this 21 yr old macho, handsome guy, singing a sad song... Bhuladiya... and as his mom stood there with her hands clenched and tears falling, i cud see how she must have had been there along the way seeing him sing, correcting her, feeding him, caring for him and seeing him there on the munch... wanting her son to get his dreams... to become successful... and then when sonu and the rest of the judges said yes we all were crying yes... i was... also wondering if the song had some story too...

Then a rikshaw wala came in... with his wife and a year daughter... and as he started ... i cudnt stop jhooming:P i was in the trance as he sang in voices similar to that of mukesh... andevery one moved along... so when he shared his dream, that he wud like to get his wifes dream to be a teacher ... and sonu said that i can see ur wifes dream coming true and not juts that i can see u driving around with ur wife in a car soon... and how he humbly broke down... telling the journey behind him, the hopes, the dreams , the hard times... and the wonderful opportunity that took him from the rumbles and might be placing him somewhere top... i cried and when my brother tried teasing him for crying i hushed him for these emotions are priceless...

They may not have money, but they were fortunate and exceptional in many ways...

then a lot more but these two moved me the most...

The best part watching these programs is when we all bring down our facade and cry and come in line with our human most sensitive side , where we are joyous on someones victory and sad on someones disappointments... people miles away, divided by borders, yet we feel for them like our own...Like its not their success or failure we are watching its as if we see humanity winning or losing....

Being Human and Now Akbar Shahbaz!

Just in the morning when i made a comment on being human status.... the team member replied


" Farida.... long time how have u been, how is all going... God bless" and i cudnt help smiling for being remembered by being human team :D... and went a little ahead thinking one day Salman Khan will say this... "hey farida... Long time... how r u doing my friend, life isnt same without u:P "(haha dream on farida , dream on)


and now this


This is an email i just received from my teacher Akbar Shahbaz, a very known figure in the radio history.

I went to him for a two month course and juts after a week i had to leave for US. However due to some change in plan i never went, but not juts that i didn't go back to take my remaining classes, as something terrible had happened and my apetite for everything went away with it... i knew for once that after completing this course it will be a waste if i dont get a shot on one of the channels, and without me being in state of awesomeness which this job entitles i wont be able to do it... my life had made a turn which had left me paralyzed and so i never regained the motivation to join the course, i quit my job, i cudnt quit living but that was that i had quit everything else:( such was my sorry state...

I am feeling better much better, but i am still not completely back... rocking back...i know i will after i get u back with me...:) smiling kicking me in the ass... like always... But this note makes me feel great,and appreciate life and myself more then i usually do:)... i know i leae impressions on ppl... but such deep ones i never knew...in such busy times with so much to grab ur attention and heart... it just makes me believe in myself a little bit more...

here's the letter i received from my mentor, who i never called back in anticipation of me not yet ready for it:) (Mind u i wasnt a good student, i was way to unenthusiastic and lacking then his students still i got this email:)

Hi Farida Nizam, Salaamoalaiycum & Hello There!!


I hope you are doing good, which ever part of the world you are at.

I got one of your mails but it was all blank. I hope I didn't miss anything. We, at Radio Star Broadcasting school are also doing good. Some of my students are now on the Radio and TV.

This note was just to say Hello. Keep in touch and let us know if you are coming to Pakistan.

Best regards,
Akbar Shahbaz

PS: i never went to USA... but he thinks so... i have already paid the course fee, which entitles me to resume back the studies where i left them... he thinks i have a radio voice:)

Strongly, Madly, Deeply...

When i see maula... sad... i want to do anything to make him smile... to let him know as long as i am there i wont let a thing happen to you or us... :) and then i feel i am no body just a crazy kid who never stopped living in her dreams, where everything was possible... where she cud fight and get killed and do it with a smile... but in reality... she cannot retain a smile even when she is faced with not even close to death event... she isnt yet that strong but one day she will or who knows she will go even more coward over the days...But Maula... dont be sad, for it means u are afraid we wont turn out to be as good as we say we are... Are you afraid for us not being strongly madly deeply in love with u... is it that scares u for us and our future... I cant claim for the rest... but for me and my offspring i promise u i will give birth to kids who will never fail u...:) who will be even more strong in their faith and love for u then me...:) Please maula smile... for i know with ur smile my world gets its livelihood... My life is for u... take it ... for i belong to no one else but u... do as u please with this humble servant of yours. Make me wat u always dreamed for me... i dont know yet if i am ready for the test... i am scared for when i say God i am ready, god really gets more serious then i may have imagined... he juts literally takes all i say and makes it happen... I dont know wat will he ask of me this time...what if i chicken out...

if i do, then push me into it, but dont ever let me leave your side, or stop loving me, watching over me, being there for me and making me do as you would please...for thats wat love asks, for thats wat faith asks and it never settles for less... never...:)

Not without you in my heart....

I fear it, i beg for it to not happen, i hope for it to not happen, i wish for it to not happen but one day may be it will happen and i wont be able to do a thing...my plights and screams will not stop it, my tears and breaking down and losing sanity and throwing fists around will not stop it and my reasons and justifications will not stop it... i will have to face it and live with it and i will feel wronged... i will hate my life but that wont make a difference, i will plead with God, Reason with him, even brutally shout at Him, call him unjust, it wont make a difference and then i will after a while give up and find myself moving along with it and seeing beyond it juts like a dawn comes after a night... and what i will find will amaze me, lighten me make me smile once again just a little brighter and fuller...something i was never to give myself a chance to ever experience if i had not been asked to part with what ever little i was holding on to... like a dying man holding on to the last hope and lifeline...thinking it would end with his/ her life... but when God gives u life, he also gives u a reason to live it and though we may doubt if we ever will come across something better more beautifuler then we have, we are proved wrong everytime when we are asked to let it go and move in the direction god reserves for us, whether we let go without a lot of hate or do it with patience and faith its up to us...

And yet to know i will have to see it, experience it tears my heart...makes me make a silent wish to never let me see it for i fear i wont be able to bear it. why will i be asked to part with you... see how i have strengthened myself, see how i am not letting myself down...

I dont really mind this distance... all i cannot let happen is to be one place and my heart somewhere else... if my heart agrees to go with me where i go... then i am not afraid to walk anywhere... but not without my heart...

Dont read it for i dont know if i made a sense...

Sunnis and Shias can never be same, nor can Bohris, nor can Hindus, nor can Christians... they are not one... but they still can coexist peacefully. You dont have to be of the same breed and blood and even cast or faith to treat the other with respect and care... but to call one faith to be equivalent to another is not a stance worth fighting for... its possible to use mother for maa for mom... and mean the same... but to call God, Allah, bhagwan and Jesus, are not one and the same thing.... for jesus will remain to be jesus, Allah will remain to be Allah and Bhagwan will be bhagwan not Allah.

So when i hear some Dr. Mujtaba, to take all the Muslims for a walk to declare we are all Pakistani, i feel it's okay for every one of the faith to unite this once to fight for the country which is as much yours as mine, and to keep our differences to ourselves and not let that mingle with a thing which is honorable for all indisputably, but i am not sure of who this person is and how sincere he is in his effort and if this movement isn't about making all faith to think they are one and the same just cause they are all living in one spot

Unless i resemble your faith to an extent that we differ not in any one definition we will not be considered similar on basis of faith (iman)...

I have learned the most generous, yet trying way... that faith has a paramount significance in ones life.

Where as one faith allows for fortification to be an okay social custom, another calls it an unpardonable sin. Where as one faith announces Ali to be next to Rasul in every walk of his life, Other claims him to be not so, where one says Jesus to be son of God or God himself, the other claims for him to be his humble apostle.

To change one truth into a lie is an act of manipulation and hypocrisy, which is next to the sin of shirk in Islam and for me Islam is the only religion worth following reason i am a Muslim and bound by my own heart and soul to die as one...

but to say Shia is more of a Muslim or Sunni is more of a Muslim or that a Muslim has a right to live more then a Christian or that one is bound to be like other to get salvation really is not something we are in position to comment about... what we should know is that if we are different it is for us whether to stick being so and live our life on our faith or take the other... but to say we all are one and thus it doesn't matter what we believe and practice or who we follow... will not be one and the same thing...

your faith is what u decide with all the knowledge and wisdom u possess and it is what decides only your life alone and of those who u have a power to influence it on, that is your offspring.

you drape me....and make me shine

Cant believe parting with my dresses cud be such an emotional thing:) they are mine and i love them and thinking someone else wud have them doesnt give me a good feeling, i still am not over them..(i never really get over things that easily)... i parting from them never works...they made me look good feel good look beautiful and feel respectful, they draped me, so no one cud look down on me... they honoured me by never failing me... yet i went a little over the head with them... playing football in kurta shalwar... and they had no choice but to show their displeasure by tearing from one of the sides... and now i dont think it will ever be the same... yet i feel i can do something so i dont have to give them up alltogether...

same goes with the rest, due to me gaining weight sometimes or they getting a little old and pale in color, but still retaining some of their cuteness and feel that made me fall in love with them... i still cant get a heart to give them away...

so thats me... when i love something its a big deal to let it go...though i may be careless with them... as i am careless with even myself, but never do i ever stop loving them... never...

now i am holding them in my lap... and wondering if i cud fix them so i dont have to really let go of them... they are the dresses that always get a good compliment when i wear them... and i love to see myself draped in them... for they enhance me in every possible way...:)

no wonder why i think so much for every thing that i bring into my life... for i only have to have the best....i can do without nothing but if i have to have it it has to be my hearts choice...:)

ooh so i keep them... for they soothe me...:)