Efforts! you have to make them and you will!

you may know that your fate will itself come to ur doorstep... but if u are not willing to make efforts for the fate you desire... you truly dont deserve it... even if u by chance get it!:) and until u prove urself worthy u wont be able to hold on to it for long!:)

have you ever felt

hi every one!

hope you are all doing great ...

i am fine, a moment feeling awesome and the other feeling out of place unsure dioreinted and a mess...

now i know its hard to pin down wat i am most of the time for my ownself rest alone the ppl around me and especially those who i are thinking to chose me to be their partners for life... it can be an ordeal, for i dont give them reasons that will simplify anything for them and to let them know wat to expect with me. but i have a bit of it written here to give them an idea

I am a person who is an idealist. I am a rational idealist. i beleive its possible but i need to be patient and work deligently abt it in order to get it.

I have a lot of time with myself. If i am expected to live till 60. i have precisely 28 more years which is a lot of time almost as much time as i have been here.

and trust me it has been a perfectly timed life.

now if i write down my goals and see if this much time will be enuf to get them all then i wud say... the actual time i will need to get them all done is...

Switzerland (20 days)

Meeting with Salman (1 Day to meet, i day for travelling, a yr to follow up and trace and pursue and get an appointment)

Aqa Maula ( 1 day for registration a month to get the result a month to spend with him and a day to be able to be in his presence and do the arzi.. if i mean to do that 10 times it will be multiplied by ten the same time

Meeting with Him (My secod halF)...

well depending on his willingness to make my life easy... it can take from a week to 5 yrs or more... its indefinite...

now

if i keep 28 yrs in my mind and these goasl... i am not sure which to go for and when

ok... now those things which were not mandatory but wud not be something u will regret

are


a trip to usa... and s many trips as i plan
A trip to uae one min but i am not willing to make many there... one wud be enuf...

now two things i might want to experience for the heck of it and sideline them later cross them as expeirenced and not to mention again

skydiving.. since i have seen him do that

and snorkling... yup it wud be good

it wont take more then a month to complete them all...


now wats remaining to be done...

raise kids if i have them...
make love if i ever have him say yes and we be married
wat else...

no clue... not a bit of clue...

do everything that comes my way... i guess... meet ppl and enrich my epxeriences...

can u based on these activities advise me a plan...

now i know life cant be a straigh path u walk... but it necessarily doesnt have to be a crooked too... where u go sytraight and then reverse back to the starting point and then go left and then reverse back and then take a right in the middle and then wander somewhere and then one time get urself in the middle of nowhere... and ur time is up....


for me reaching there... is imp... and other then following this one person who i know knows the way.... i only can find these goals which can define my life path...

does that define me well for u to understand me perfectly! this is all there is to me. really!

I am cuz He is!

once i asked him, why he isnt teaching me wat the whole world is learning... he kept silent like always and i ran after wat world was learning... now i understand why he never felt the need!:) and i am back to him to learn wat he is teaching me... this time though the world runs around while i sit with him and watch them do that! sometimes i watch him smile:) sometimes i watch him sad and i reach out to take all his sadness away! but never i have been so relaxed and at home! never!

Thoughts! they can become ur destiny... choose them well!

hi frnds!

how r u all doing?

hope all is good. i wish so... things are great around here!

my bones how ever are not doing so well due to my inaction these days and having nothing to do...


my bones speak to me " farida we need ur care, and special attention... in case u want us to stay with u for the rest of ur life" else who knows we might leave u before time... i say i dont trust the docs with u, i am taking calcium tabs and olive oil... its true u r not being used properly as i am not having much work around for u, and i worry if ill exert u a lot u may just get killed faster anyways... Drs i dont trust! they will take money and still end up being as helpless as i am! and ill find a solution dont u worry, my freinds! i have got this killer of a mind that can find solutions of any stature... but u gotto trust me and beleive in me!


rest all is well...

but this wierd yet exciting yet positive yet solution oriented thought came in my mind... that is to adopt a child... to whyich my bro gladly says adopt me instead:D

and i told him i dont want grownups i need kids who cant take care for themselves so that they can make me feel responsible around them... u guys can do wonders without me anyways...

my mom agreed... i reasoned with her... and she loves me and my reasons so she gave in... her fear ofcourse which she didnt even bother listening was how she will react to the thousand question posers around the cuntry and globe... but i know being my mom has strengthened her to a great extent... she knows she can listen to me or to the world... and she knows when i come in context... everyone is out...

but i am rethinking this... as usual....

say i will first need to talk to my area amil sb... and his looks and gestures can take the life out of me... for he isnt going to be as sweet as my mom!

and he is going to make me want to bury myself in the soil to save his embarassing remarks... or just angry ones...

so thats a big block i have to face...

once he is convinced and does the raza to Maula... whose word is the most imp force that can stop me or push me, his approval will mean the rest of the world can now go on the side!

my first place to look for the child is edhi foudation.. as i wud like to take a kid a boy whose both parrents are not there...

and who is below the age of 1... 3- 6 months ideal

if i find one ill take him... if i dont... which wont be the case for i know its not a big criteria like the one i have for the man i marry thats impossible to acheive!:D

so with that kid... i know for sure my life will have a purpose for another 20 yrs... and wont it be interesting when he wud call me mom and rely on me... for every small thing... and wont it be fun to help him learn things discuss abt things with him... talk to him know his preferences try to understand and make him undertsand things...

answering his first questions... and for once stop being a child myself to be able to act like a mother or someone imp...:D

anyways

i am not thinking beyond it!

Fates!

dont come after me... for where i go only i can go!

be strong enuf to find ur own path!

i dont change anything abt me for others and i dont wish u to change anything for me.

u will meet me there if we are reaching out for the same thing if not, we shall never meet!

When you have had enuf!

let the tears come and fall... they wont do as much bad as the screams and shouts and rants! when both are to make things come to u faster its always better to let some tears fall then some remarks hurled around! God loves tears more then anger filled rants to say the same thing!

its never assured that these tears will be lessened for the future... but nor it is promised that the need to be angry will be minimized either!

one saves the damage one causes it further!

Doubting you!

Its when i see ur smile my heart says... thats the person i loved! and still want to love

and when i see u in pain my heart says thats the person i loved, and i wish to make feel better, can i, for i must be by his side...

but its when i see u in a mindset to conquer something and walk the path not meant for me... i start doubting can u be the person i am bound to love

and my heart doubts along... not enuf to walk away from you... but enuf to not take that step and close the distances between us.

My Head!

my head is complicated specy...it wants to make every easy thing complicated and then has its moments and fun sorting it out.... thus helps me utilize my endless time on this earth feeling wonderful thinking dreaming, planning, analysing, experimenting, discussing, asking, questioning every tom dick and harry:) investigating,wondering reflecting learning understanding and sighing aha now i get it, and feeling like its some kind of a detective here on a mission impossible!:)

but it wont ever go to the person who has the answers... as it thinks he will kill the fun telling me wat it is and taking out the suspense making life like a movie u already know the end... and then u hardly ever watch it with interest nor find any twists which can make u use ur head!

and i dont want to grow old that fast!

Know!

My emptiness may lead me to u but its when i am full and i come to u when u should feel good abt urself, for then u r the reason why i am there not my emptiness!

we may get a chance to fill ourselves with anything that is around... but when we say no to them while say yes to u... u are then in demand!

but as soon as u will get a competition u may lose attention... unless you are solid and dont lose ur grounds for when u do... there is only one thing u may have -

a great fall down!

Egypt... wud u let me in... cuz i want to come! pls!

so i come to read some good stuff, stuff that wud do the thing... but nope i dont find any good ones!

none of the topics or captions catch me...

and i say so wat if u cant find something wat u want to read u can write something that u want to read


and so i do as my mind suggests

i write wat i may like reading with awe bringing me up catching my attention drawing me to itself and then bringing on my lips a smile , twinkle in my eyes, make my heart beat a little faster, make me feel beautiful, make life filled with excitement, colors, entusiasm and passion which is lacking....


so i write wat i wud like to do or want right now...


i would like to vist ur place...and inform ur friend armand i am here and want to meet him... and then when he comes to get me...

i share with him my plan....and ask him to let me stay at his place while i do the most craziest ideas...

this is one thing

second... i do as i am hoping to do...

go vist misr (egypt cairo) right now i cant because i havent got the raza letter needed.

but i still go without it and enter the city... and go for ziarat of imam husain... and go to faiz and tell them i am here now... and without raza but u see i waited so long and didnt come... now u cant let me be all alone in this strange land... and consider my case especially and dont be mean or angry instead be understanding and let me live with u all... and enroll me in....

my bros though show me a different picture they say... u will reach there... they wont let u enter without that letter you will then be stranded on the airport...

i say fine... they will give me food and water... who knows after a day they look at my innocent face and stop being cruel and let me in... to which he says wat if they give u a bad treatment... and tried scaring me wat if the cab driver takes u to the wrong place... and who will then be there u cud call for help...

i said i will call my cousin who is already there... he can atleast let me reach a safe place... and he says... wat if he doesnt come... or u cant get in touch with him or wat if he turns his face... since he is already having enuf room for himself... to which i said... if he ever turns his face on me... he will then see wat i do with him...

so anyways... they tried making me a pussy as much as they cud... and now i am still not sure whether going without the raza letter is a wise thing or not... definitely not the wisest thing but u need to be clever sometimes when the ghee doesnt come out with the right finger... and then may be if i go there... imam husain wont just let me face all the trouble alone... i know he will surely come for my rescue... and then maula is there too!

i will call them and they will come like super man to save me... if i get in trouble... which i hope i never get...

at most wat they will do is wont let me enter the city and ask me to go back to pakistan.... since i wont have the return ticket for that day...they will have to fugure out themselves....

besides i will be reciting salawat all the time... reciting all thsoe great prayers that take away all the trouble ... nothing will happen....

but if i reall look deep in my heart... it wants me to do the dare ... only that its not the truth and dare wali dare... and thinking i am the same girl who used to even fear those dares and thus always chose truth.... makes me wonder am i ready for taking such a dare...

and what if maula dont come to rescue saying... if u do stupid things dont ask me to come to rescue... i told u not to come without raza now deal with it urself...

:(

but even though i know he can say that... i do know in my hearts of heart... he will slap me later but he will come to rescue...cuz i am stupid he is not:D

and he is there to help stupids like me to be safe! rather then teach a lesson!

Right maula?

atleast thats how i feel!

but i know if my brothers know this... they will not agree! even though in thier hearts of hearts they wud like this to be true! cuz they are scared beings!

Neele Neel Amber Per

if u wish to date me:) and want it to be a hit for life...

make sure i listen to this song while i am with u! and yes we must be alone and i shud feel safe!

who knows it may increase ur chances to win my heart!

a secret i am sharing with all those who may be interested, except him... who already has my heart:D


Neele Neele Amber Per (On the dark blue sky when the moon comes out)




oh yes, this is not the only criteria... but this will win u way more favors then those who wudnt!

you can try with girls u wish to mate... incase they are made of the same fibre as i am this may get u lucky

:D

How Far

how far you would go to find urself! thats precisely what i will be traveling to find u!:) how long wud u wait to unite with urself! thats precisely how long i will wait to be with u!

for finding u is finding me! the more i will keep myself away from u... the more i will suffer!

i may have learned to live pain! and it may have grown lesser with time, i will never let it die for with it the need for me for myself will die!

My life is to serve!

1- God and his apostles and his devotees who work for him. that is precisely Maula for now! His word is as Good as Gods word for me.

2- My parents and kin who have been there for me every sec of their lives

3- My man and my future family, who aren't here yet but who shall get my full support when ever they make their entry

4- Salman Khan and his foundation!

5- and all those who i feel are deserving of my services as and when they need them!

What do i get in return... treasures that cant be explained in words! for having these folks who don't fail to please my heart is the greatest boon for me.

Salman fever is gone, Salman's message must be lived!

Salman Khan talks about his trust Being Human, his inspiration and his plan for the foundation.Salman tells, “My trust, the Being Human Foundation, is an inspiration from my parents. It works to help people who need aid. Currently, we have not asked for monetary help from anyone. I only take money frommy close friends and family and meet all the other funding requirements on my own. I am in the process of setting up a website for the trust and the idea is to make money for charity from the website. We’ll be selling things like bracelets signed by me, my paintings, sketches, clothes I’ve worn in my films. We’ll put it all for sale and the proceeds will go towards the charity. It’s a good feeling to see a child smile soon after being close to not living. I have been blessed by God who has given me so much, I don’t just want to lend my face to a cause; I want to be there and support it in as many ways I can. I want to teach people that the biggest gift in the world you can give to anyone is to be human.

if we all strive being like him, the world surely will become the liveliest place there is!

Rebel in the family!

i fear my younger bro:) one look from him and i know i am in trouble!:) actually all three can throw those glaring looks once a while and i smile sheepily... they wanting to hit me bad! i am the rebel! one person they can never be sure of... with her mind she is a total nut for them to alwyas worry abt:) but after the heat is over and the screaming is down... we are laughing on each other herkats or dil chahta hai songs along!:) our similar taste in music and jokes is the line drawer between us:D

My ideas btw are 360 degree opposite to theirs... u can imagine the kind of ordeal i have to face getting them to be calm around me:)

People!

who am i faithful to? those who think i am faithful will be able to tell this ...

who do i love? those who think i love them will be able to tell u this

Who do i care for? a lot of ppl at lot of times

who do i adore? a lot

who do i cherish? a lot

who do i go for help to? mom, bros, maula, God and some more family members

who do i need? Him probably

Who do i want? him probably

who do i look up to? Maula,

who do i listen to? Maula

who do i idolise? no one completely

who do i trust? Maula

Who i will obey unconditionally? Maula

Who do i run to!

I wnat to run from ppl, who scare me to death, when they try stealing my dreams, i have cherished and protected more then my life...

they dont 3want me to win, not want my love to be realised... all they care is to break my will and loosen my strength that i give in to their demands and give up...

and i so want to run to someone for protection but they all open their arms waiting to devour me... and i run no more... only close my doors and pant and wait for this nightmare to end...

and i dont know how long will i remain closed to the world scared from everyone wanting to harm me, by taking away from me the sweetest reason why i want to be here in the first place...

cant live without that! I just cant!

Salman Fever! Is it on the downfall!

What he does for the world will always be applauded... what he has done for the pained souls and his clean intentions... he will never lose his respect in my eye.... but for a few traits that can make him low... he will lose some of it if not all... and if he continues on the path... gaining more height in the negative front... he may lose more with time...

But the fact i only approve him for the goodness never for the bad... on the bad part i am more understanding of him...which happens when u cant forsake a person for the wrong disregarding the good he is doing... we all are partly good and partly bad... some are bad more then good some are good more then good... some dont care for good, some only care for good...

I have faith in him! but whether he knows how to keep faith and remain faithful, thats his part of the equation...

My feelings are for a certain reason...And they would end with that reason being no more...

So if i adore you today... and dont tomorrow... its something in me and u changing that did it... and its possible...

My adoration for u... if makes u happy today... will make u unhappy tomorrow... so dont rely much on it...

Rely instead on ur own truth... and protect it... for once lost you will be be deprived of that base without which u are like a broken kite, whose destiny is amongst the bushes torn and forsaken!

But as long as you hold hard to that truth... no matter wat winds come and go... u will keep that way thriving and glorified!\

I am lonely without you.

Nothing scares me more then losing possibility to get in touch with u... to know the ways to reach you are not being narrowed down for me... and extinct... even if i hardly make contact, nor u listen, nor u pay attention, nor u reply...

for as long as i can see ur face, and know a few things... i feel my breath comes good, for a little fear of losing u for good makes them come short....


was it like that for you too... i think yes... not for me but the one you loved.

So if i am not really interested in marrying you, dont even trust you to be the right guy for me, dont even think i can forgive u and forget the past events...cant even know if i will treat u with the same awe and love and respect like i did, why i cant let you go and forget all abt you...

Its really kiddish of me to hold on to you for some desire to never be empty of u...

may be this stupid kiddishness will cost me my future and life...

Is it worth it... when u are all past me... to hang on to your thoughts your name, your hope, your desire ... when u are so out of reach, not even worth the chase...

I have no idea where is this leading me and why?

i wish i cud ask Maula now to erase you and everything of u from my mind heart and soul cleanse me like i never knew you, like u never happened...

i know if he helps me... it can happen.... and clean this mirror for another face, one that is bound to stay there for ever...

for i dont blv in short term, bound to end things

Not permanent!

Dont say i am a gem! Dont be impressed by my personality and looks! Dont look up to me now...Dont take me as final... my journey isnt over... it has but started... dont take me for my word i havent proved my worth yet... wat i say i am on i may never get there... wat i make u blv abt me now may not be true...i am not yet tested with the worst times to show u my reality... i am still unexposed and when i get fully expose u may not blv wat u see... so dont bother trusting me... cuz i dont as yet! if there is one u must trust... its who i trust with closed eyes! and open heart... and he is but one!i guarantee u he will never fail u even if u will a thousand times!

Every time you say i am a gem, you make me happy...i feel good in myself...but be ready to be disappointed for i am not unchangeable yet! i am not permanent!

Tell me God! Allah the exalted!

Tell me God what you have in store for me...

Lead me to what you think i deserve ... whats meant for me

dont let me be the judge of my life and chooser of my destiny

You be the judge and decide wats best for me...

Lead me to the place where i can be in one piece

lead me to my real self, the self i was seperated from when i made that sin

you didnt just took my home from me... you also took away the vision and sight to be able to recognize it ...

and that i beleive has been my greatest punishement ever to be unable to see and acknowledge and recognize wat was my own once my keepsake, my everything!

What was the last thing u sent my way, for me

did i bow down to u in gratefullness and took it to my heart and placed it in my heart with the utmodt dedication and devotion or did i ruled it out, ignored and dumped it saying thats not worthy of me....

Did i took it to my soul and united it with me in a bond of eternal love and obedience or did i casted it out, looking down on it, running away from its reach

Would u not then stop sending your blessings to me, if i have disappointed you...for i dont want you to favor me, if i have not been true to u, true to my word and promise to u...to my birth and my existence...

I know not God my need to exist, they say i was born to obey you to serve you to praise you and to devote my self to you...

I beleive it or may be i dont... if i do its cuz it makes sense to me... if i dont may be cuz it doesnt... and i now clearly know how men and what men makes sense of something...

What ever he thinks he wants desire or feel akin to becomes understood, wat ever he cannot take or feel good abt he misunderstands and rreject and doubts...

arent we clever God.... but can we ever be able to fool our hearts, souls and minds and You...


So i on this truth and understanding place myself out in open to not just you but all those ppl... who have me in their lives, who rely on me, depend on me, need me, have me,so that they can know what i am...

If you are the ultimte judge for me... the decider of my fate... then why shud i worry abt any one else...

So do as you wish with me... make me as u wish goes right for me...for my mind can think and find u... everything else its you who needs to show to me.....

Show me the right way to continue this long journey... all i care is for the path to lead me to you... to win your favor and approval... everything else i dont care, if u dont wish it for me...dont destine for me...

i can share forever with u and still it wudnt be enuf!

hi

are you mad at me for being disrespectful or saying wat i did... well actually u can be... cuz i am mad for all u did wrong... for the right things i still have a warm spot for u and faith that one day it will surpass and outlive the wrong ... but its a long way to go...:) and u r not alone... we all are on the same journey... i may not be as wrong as u... but i am still wrong... with some ppl... and if they had not been so deadly in love with me and forgiving ... i wud have been doomed by now...

i wish u well in life ... like i always did... and i guess you are doing fine... i am fine too... not perfectly fine... which i never was nor ever will be... and even if i end up being so in a moment... it wont remain so forever...


i met this person from india who is an outstanding person and writer... and imaginative...it has been truly a wonderful expeirence coming across him. and i realise i miss being friends with u...but if u were not a guy or someone i cant be with other then for marriage reasons... i wud have gladly been your friend and not let my limitations become expectaitions....

but i guess God has other plans for me and i am totally cool with wat ever they are...


its when they choice part comes and he gives me reign to be the decision maker i kind of panic and do both good and bad things...but with no right mind... but never a bad heart!

why is it this way, why God created so many restrictions to be with u... that i can only be with u if i marry u and care for u... and am cared by you and be faithfull to u and be loved back by u with earnestness and sincerity...

if i had not wanted this for myself... and if i cud be with u... like those indians guys and gals who find it so easy to say their heart out and still keep in a limit... and know they will not ever go beyond it... with u i never cud form those limits and wasnt it this fear i wud have never feared being with u... even for once... and i guess neither wud have u...

God i wish i can find a way out of this...

:(

Priyanshu Chatterjee and my analyzations!

I know you guys don't care abt my love affairs... :D

But i care and this blog represents wat i care for not you... so no donuts for u if u came looking for them:)

i deeply care abt everyone of them... with my heart and soul... for when you touch me, i mean my heart:) for that's precisely where u need to hit me hard, if you ever want to be anywhere around me...

Now i fell in love with his character, or the fact that it was he who played it... and since i dont have a chance to ever know if anyone cud have ever been there in his place to really win the same place in my mind or heart i call it...

I cant say, as the movie wont be coming out again, with somone else in it... so call it fate or luck or coincidence, or wat ever...he is someone i ...........


fill in the blank with what ever word you can think for it doesnt matter, whether u get wat i am trying to say, cuz you never can truly get wat i will be saying....

so i have a thing for him... juts like i have a thing for salman khan, and the person i was wishing to get married to, and the previous two... before him... who i had same ideas for...
i have a precise thing for each one of them... but none of them matches the other... and thats a thing too...:D

haina kehani mein twist...

Admiration, fascination, love, attraction, likeness, interest, affection, devotion, ishq(dont know its English word for it...:) probably English ppl are devoid of experiencing such feeling and state to be able to invent a word for it... but please be comfortable sharing your knowledge and wisdom with me... both of which differ in meaning.) adroation, need, desire, want, wish, faith, hope, wonder, enthusiasm, ectasy yes i have felt that too! but no pls dont think its same for all of us...

What if i told u that the color u see when u say red is green when i say it... how cud u test, if green means green and not red...:P

like wat looks like green to you is actually looking red to me but i use the same name for it that is green.. but what u see in green is red for me...:P

lol!

enuf of confusing you all... i like doing that to myself and i never reach to the right conculsion... not that it matters to my health to ever reach a conclusion in these cases anyways...


But these are the feelings i have felt in my life...:D so a big cheers for me :)


So now i will share something with you all

I feel ....... for (That guy in my life) and he will always be there for as long as i live here and beyond... i am bonded to him for life long for my part... dont know abt him...

I feel ...... for Salman Khan... (why? some of it is clear some of it not)

I feel ...... for rhitik .... (bendey mein depth hai)

I feel ..... for priyanshu ....( the fact that he resemble Dawood so much...:D someone i cared for a lotttttttt! and it got complicated... cuz my expressions of that care fell short of showing anything great ever:( but well what we had is engraved in my heart, and wat we didnt have was a bliss in its own way... and i am glad it is that way... oh so may be priyanshu wud have not made so much of the mark on me... if he didnt resemble dodi so much...

I feel nothing for Dodi (Dawood) but wish him the best. we are through in the friends way... but thats the best thing in its own way... its best for him and thats all that matters to me cuz it cant be bad for me, if its best for him... and i shall ensure that remains so for the rest of our lives...God bless him... and i dont know if he wants a kid bad... but i wish if he does, God grant him the wish and make him a father soon ameen!:)he has been married now for quite some time:) i hope he is crazy happy in his life.. i so wish!

My endless respects for the following always

Amir Khan

and well that is all coming to my mind...


Have you realised by now that those who continue to strive and stay in the scene, are never really forgotten... cuz their presence becomes hard to ignore...

so blame me not if i havent named anyone who is a Pakistani and alive...

consistency is the name of the game...integrity is the name of the game, striving to keep to the stands you feel closely too is the name of the game...

and i beleive those i admire or those who have left either a deep or positive mark on me on every countenance of mine get this limelight spot in my heart....

your absence wont matter to me... or will make me forget you if your presence hasnt failed to wow me or plastered something strong one me.... and thats true for everyone of those who hit me hard... most of them happen to be men... so yes yay to the man folks...you surely rock my ship and keep my life here pleasant most! and youa re indeed a boon of God for me...


anyways thats it for tonite probably, these are some of the ppl i admire, but i wanst born with... those i am born with are a class apart!:)

doomed with them forever:P

P.S

What if i was told all these ppl i am being fascinated by are actually going to be closely related to me in the after life... like may be they all end up being my family members:D asuming this only!

OK!

I came across a person who has it all

the sensitivity , the expressions, the looks, the attitude, the coolness the hautiness, and all the ingredients one can wish in a guy, one cud befriend to feel something real after a long long wait...

but he is an indian and he is probably friends with girls of all kinds, and when u look closely, you can see a lot of other things which make it a not so possible person to connect and have a bond with wat so ever...

so what u do, is you tell urself, you probably are a flirt, cuz its now a tenth time you think u have come across a real dude...

and i ask myself why not?

even if i am married with one real guy, the possibilty there are thousands of real guys around the globe and i come across them is not a sin....

but arent u contented with the one you have that you find urself, desiring knowing more of them...and i say... the one i shud have been contented with is probably not contented with me... and i cant be a fool to not let my heart meet and be happy in presence of other and acknowledge soemthing beautiful, rather then hating myself for being pleased...

but the fact this very thing may not be taken as positively by me if my partner was having such feelings for his female friends and fans...

which makes me wonder, why human heart cannot make a choice and stick to it without being pleased by others....

if u can ask me to close myself to everone but the one i am marrying or giving my reigns to...i shud be able to do it... given the man i marry, must not have anyone other then me to please himself... which is not true for men who are allowed to have as many as 4 women at a time...

now all i ask... is it a sin to be attracted by more then one man at a time...or admiring them, or being fascinated by them

hmmm?

God will surely answer me in time... for he is the answerer, but dont give me this one word, its from God, so must not be questioned... for it looks fake to me...

i am not questioning God i am trying to undertsanding why this is right for man wrong for woman?

Last Resort or First

when nothing works, last resort is to ask God to do it! but i now reach to God as soon as something doesn't work or i face a problem and i am not sure wat to do and don't want to wander a lot! it feels great to reach out and know he is there, but is that right to do to ask help so often from God? cuz i do know he listens even if he ignores sometimes based on the kind of thing i am asking for help!:) at times i can be pretty stupid with the kind of questions i ask!

i know he wud sometimes hold his head in his hands listening to my bla blas...

well i am stupid i know.... but how else am i going to learn.... besides he is not like humans to tell me off when wat i am asking is not wat they want to talk abt, or he doesnt have an answer for my high level asnswers, he never tells me off... i can go to him as often as i like and he still wont be tired of my questioning and stupidity, nor will be short of the answers i require... cuz he knows me and wat i am capable of ever asking... remember all i have is God gifted yes including that brain and heart and soul i so lavishly shove around! and yes my looks too... he cud have created me an ugly hag and i cud cry all day long but gladly and thankfully he created me in the best shape possible for a person like me, so i cant be grateful enuf for all the bounties i so lavishly use...

But how God ends up being there for me is something i cant expect from anyone out here, not even my bros, not that they wud mind having super powers to make my world perfect, but still its not possible for them to have them! so i often think then why wud i need any of u except that life will be pretty frightening without u all, even though i know its God who sends help for me, you ppl ensure i dont get in a place of danger alone in the first place !

the fact that i am looking for someone who wud listen to me, undertsand me, answer me, and explain it so well to me... is may be a need i shud let go... for wat if u cant fulfill this criteria ever...

does that mean u are incapable of getting my approval and love...

the fact i need God, more then anyone still remains true... but the fact that i need to say yes to a man and move on with him on the path to God, take his hand and start to build a world i possibly cant make alone even if Gods there with me every second of my life...is something i shud always remember, but my incapability get married lies in the fact that i cant understand wat is right enuf to expect from a man... and who that man shud be?

who is going to tell me that if not my heart, if not God? and if not you Maula?

My mom and dad, my bros, my friends, or those countless ppl who think they know wats right for me more then i ever can know cuz they are more experienced and lived more yrs here then me...

duh!

See i know who can help me... god, myself and Maula...

anyone else... first pls get help for urself then come to help me ok!

I am not indestructible... but i am definitely not a fool to not know who is my right aide and source of knowledge and wisdom in this world:)

Jub se tum aayey nazar mein!

Khoya Khoya rehta hai dil

Dherkeno see aaj yeh kya chupke chuke kehta hai dil:)


Why these mysteries!

Fiction, who me?

"Why read fiction when you got a life like mine!:) since you have happened, my life has twists and turns that make every fiction boring!


So my bro asks me " why not give what you have to the world, you can make a difference in so many lives, why not do soemthing...

and i said... let me make a difference in mine and then surely i shall do it to others!

i had promised once to make a difference in urs and Gulabs!

i want this

i shall have this

let God make his own way for me to follow and acheive myt objectives...

but before that i need to clear myself on wat they are and be sure they are worth giving it all!

Can anyone recommend me a person who inspires you a lot and who u think i can learn a lot from and must work with! please!

i am not looking for a job, i am looking for a man i can work for!

Bad girl!:(

not happy with myself again!:( if i am the only person in my way !i still cant kill myself, nor convince or motivate myself to step out... nor can fool it into distracting nor force it and shove it to the side... nor pursuade it , nor influence it, nor argue with it and win over... not even order or request, nor get others to help, so i wud rather wait for something out of the blue to do the due one fine day!

Don't Teach me!

i am not disrespectful, i have knowledge! and i only let u know that in my own natural way. sorry if that hurt ur feelings, to hurt anyone is not my intention... but if u come in my way... u will get hurt! that much i know!

yesterday night was EPIC!

I Want to remember what happened!:)

i started with my eldest bro wanted to have a word and then the rest of my bros joined in... and we spend the whole night on the bed 4 of us... oblivion of every thing and everyone else... trying to understand each other and making the other understand... and i was the base reason for the whole discussion...

and although i listened seriously to all of them... and i counterstrike all their questions doubts and worried... i still know wat i was happy abt was that we all were able to bring it all out in the open... our feelings, our concerns and our love for each other...

as we grow up and leave home making lives for ourselves... we at times cannot keep the same flame of friendship and love alive... it gets fading over time... if we dont tend it very closely....

nothing makes me more happy but the fact that all my brothers are knitted together in a strong bond... thats unbreakable here and beyond...

the fact that we can scream at each other feel bad abt the comments made, and things said and yet laugh crazily helping us know this one fact nothing can be as big as wat we have between us... nothing can come between us...

and yes i know why they all did it... cuz they want the best for me... want to see me happy settled in life and since they all think they are males and more able to give a better solution then me myself... cuz i am girl... i for once was able to make them know its never abt the gender but the soul...

i have a heart and mind... and yes i am weak... but not that i am helpless and cannot help myself without anyone .... i need you guys but not that i can hear u all without using my own brain and seeing if wat u r suggesting is good for me or not and i have a SAY... I have a RIGHT to this SAY and i have a RIGHT to CHOOSE!

:)

What also i was able to see and which made me feel glad and comforted was that where i was and wnated my bros to be they all were coming on their own paces... we were united on the most basic level and atleast if we were all not there... we were on the same path....

we all were headed for the same place... and thus... i can know this discussion and night was indeed one that was lucky, and benefitting to all of us...


What we had is a night long discussion that was finally called off ayt 5: 30 am in the morning... when we heart the morning Azan....

and then it was surely time to sleep

we were all together this way after a gap of 6 yrs... it was definiutely a feeling of reliving our childhood when we were living in the same home... and used to have discussion every day

now with all out there...this is indeed a great thing...

The only Reason why i said yes!

To you was cuz i was not able to say it to anyone else... no seriously thats the only reason

but for every other reason under the sun... it has been a no, a big Fat loud, NOooooooo!

and i do think abt wat u say... when u ask why u love me?...

i have no crazy idea, other then u r the only one i was able to say yes to... and stick on it for this long but for every other reason that i search and find, its a big NOooooo...

I am not sorry for any thing... not for the yes or for the numerous nos... but once my cousin brother (a married man) said something to me, when i was feeling sad regretting saying no to a guy who wanted to marry me...

He said
Girl, there are thousand reasons to say a no, but only one reason to say a yes...:)

i guess he was right... cuz there is but only one good reason... and that reason is strong enuf to deal with all the nos that i keep coming at, convincing me to stop and forget, and throw u away... and that reason still keeps winning!

Shit you Got me! Can i play this round again... ? and why i feel i still wud want it to be u!


i know one more round or thousand more rounds... i have this feeling i will only say yes to u!

Dont ask me ppl... may be i am nuts, may be i lost my sense or something strange happened with me that day... it was enuf to make me lose my senses to understand , analyse, realize think, calculate, and i made this pact keeping God the witness.... and now i have this whole life and eternity to know the reason why?... Don't I

and no dont think i love u... i am mad at u! and i wish i cud confront u and do everything that i wish wud clear my heart and soul of u! i am.... (the word for this has not been discovered)


I am going through this... but i know i wrote every bit of this fate for myself...through my thinking and deeds!

So pls dont sympathize with me.... i am still the creator and writer of my life, so wat i cant write more then ur name yet and not a solution for the problem we are facing!