Opinions Needed

I never had close friends...What does that mean?

I opened up, just to learn i wasnt good enuf for him... What does that mean?

I found out horrible things, that i cudnt support or feel good abt him and he thought i was inconsiderate, someone he never cud feel good around... what does that mean?

I know his addiction, its his ex...and i never knew her influence on him until he opened up and she came back... and what he said while he tried explaining his feeling... i started to doubt myself , my love, my support , him, and feared she taking him away... and he not caring... for who ever wins him... wud mean he wins... ...that is he cannot decide which one is better she or me or may be someone out there... what does that mean... (Cheating nooo! indecisiveness and weakness and ignorance probably yes)

She loves him, cant live with him anymore, yet cannot decide, she wants him to desire her or wants other men to desire her so she can finally get back in a relationship... and make him feel he isnt worth it... its a power fight and lust, or may be it is love... and i am to naive to know as i nevr had a real relationship to undertsand how these temptations work and play havoc with human minds and heart... what does that mean...

if sex as an education is imp... wat if the partner u get is not just as much eductaed as u... or had a different cirriculum as u... and u end up sleeping (yes after marriage ofcourse) Realizing his ways are more savage then u can take... leaving u choices... like u take it or leave it... What does that mean... why cud it then be so necessary... to marry... when leaving someone is that easy.. and there really isnt a commitment involved... why not then stay single or sleep with ten men or women... before marriage...

Love.... if i truly beleive my definition and understanding is worthy, positive, backed by true principles of islam... then why, realising it has taken such a long time... what does it mean?

I found a guy online... randomely... who was intresting in ideas... and it was good to explore things with him.... but i never mated with him for marriage reason... unless abt 5 yrs later... he got his sexual needs aroused... a need for mate gotten better of him... and then instead of looking else where... he started to settle with me... as i was the easiest one... trying to know my fantasies... which were for me to only share with my husband.. something holding me back... this knowledge he is a friend and we are not allowed to discuss that with anyone other then one we intend to marry nad one we love and i dont love him period... and he telling me that is pretty lmao... really... i definitely dont think so... u r saying it cuz... angoor khattey hain... and then finally it was time to cut off... and with that, all those kind gestures, before this evil lust and thoughts had set it, lose their worth... i dont think i am doing a thing wrong putting a stop on it... nor i am unfriendly or hateful towardds him as a human... i am uncomfortable with his growing tendencies... and since its hard for me to explain him this and come to a mustually satisfying conclusion... without creating more tensions... its ideal to shut up and close... let them think wat they want... for me.. i am securing myself... probably froma sincere friend... but sincerity has a very high connotation in my eyes... one unmatched so far by H as a friend and A as a lover and life partner...

And if my criteria s does happen to be totally impossible to meet in todays world... What does it mean?... doi leave them behind thinking they are not worth it...and become dead like everyone else...

But who is going to tell me.... where am i so wrong... and able to motivate me to do the right thing... is there someone who knows better then me...

you guys? ...

there is one who i beleive knows better then anyone... he is up there... and then we have one here... luckily, but sometimes oppening up to him seems like i am troubling him with a trivial matter... its juts my life... how imp cud that be...

But may be i dont value myself even as much as he does... this is the reason why all these questions never get answered and we never get courage to do wat we deserve cuz we are ignorant ...either we are too arrogant..or we are too degraded.... we simply dont know how to value us right.. or others..

I come across faces... they attract me or rather the desire to learn more abt them attracts me.... what does that mean?

I know it takes time to get close to someone... i took that time... i grew close only to be broken into million pieces... how can u now expect me back to do it...this time... i wont do it... like i did with u.... i cant seem to do it again... ever... even if my life depends on him... its u or its no body... unless someone i can feel even without me trying a bit sits in my heart... as strongly and powerfully as u did...and doesnt take a no... like u never took it...