The journey is coming to an end!

couldnt help typing in...

these wise words hit me... as my mind was brought to attention to the gushing heaven sent raindrops... gushed like a shower... its been a week of heavy rains here in mumbai.. and watching the scene from the twentieth floor in pawai is wonderful...

You rained on me like this rain... and i enjoyed wat ever i was destined to like i enjoy these rains...they hit me once a year and the feeling remains ... but we enjoy it a bit ND THEN GET LOST IN OTHER THINGS, READING, LISTENING WATCHING PPL AND THINGS PERTAINING TO PPL... HEARING PPL AND THEIR COUNTLESS EVENTFUL TORIES... UNABLE TO HEAR WaT GOD Is TRYING TO SAY IN HIS SILENT YET ROaring voices...

You have been awarded to me by God...its more of my desire met for it was hearfelt, my faith my only dream... i knew god cudnt deny me you even when u ureself denied...But i am not going to claim you unless its wat u want the most...:)

At times when i see myself attracted to men... unable to help my facinations for those faces and features and ways... almost forgetting my promise made in my heart to u... i do wonder wat if one of them wud approach me, wud i be able to say no to them, decline them... for u... or wud u be able to decline those beautilful women... who i know ur eyes cudnt possibly miss to enjoy... for someone like me...:)

but i know for one thing... i caannot enjoy you ever again unless u agree to marry me and u to enjoy me... you and i can have everything else... but this without the sacred vow made for i am Allahs and you are awarded by him...only Allah has a say in wat i can have and i cant and who can have me and who cant!

But that he allowed me you is like he gave me the world... i am the most blessed and lucky girl i know!:)

India! The dream comes true...

I was precisely 12 yrs old when i wanted to meet madhuri ... and visit india... there was this big fascination abt that place... why, cuz all those beautiful hindi movie songs were shot there... and those songs were originated there... telling me india was much more how i wanted world to be then pakistan... where i cud never find one madhuri to interact with:D

And then life went on... and i kept growing... knowing understanding, beleiving... But that dream or wish never left... but it never got to a level where i was to do soemthing abt it... it was that wish... which i was ok letting go... as a lot of other things happen, and they were far more imp...

So india was not really on the list of things to do...

And then... suddenly it got the most imp thing to do status...

It got back in action, cuz u, my beloved seemingly took forever to decide... and my peace of mind was hijacked... i was unable to do a thing abt my situation... cudnt stop talking to u, cudnt convince u to meet me and reach a conclusion... cudnt continue talking... and i knew not a single way to get back to a state of normalcy... and i was left with one last resort to get maula to decide my case and give me a verdict on it... which wud ease life in an instant... and for that i had to go and travel to india where he was...:)

And in this time... i dont know how many nervous break downs i have got, wat kind of tormenting moments i lived through...

and then in the middle of it one more wish emerged... my desire to meet salman khan and have a heart to heart talk...

to know something that my heart wants to know abt this man...

so now with these two beautiful goals i head to india insha Allah tomorrow...

i am happy, i am nervous... and this thought that every one puts in me... youa re going to meet maula... not possible... he is not in the state to meet u... u know na he is unwell... every body is saying its impossible... even when i asked my nani to pray i meet him she said... not possible and i screamed at her... asking her... use those powerful ones... where u ask god that no is not an option... i am telling u nani... i am not coming back without meeting him... and she got a little worried and said ok i will pray wat ever ur umeed is comes true... :D i know how to play with these all ppl... and hit them where they need to be hit... emotional black mails... they are needed sometimes...

Salman khan... yes i know its hard to catch him...

Maula is in saify hospital...i will be on the same floor as he is... how wud that feel... i wud ask the docs t tell me which is his room and ill sit all thsoe days out there... saying it all... feeling it all getting him to talk to me behind the closed doors...for being that close to him makes me feel like i am in heaven... he is our heaven... i know he hears me... he watches me he reads my heart and mind... and he places in there wat he feels i need... removes wat he thinks is harmful... :) I love u maula... and if i cud just be with u... nothing in this world cud harm me... mentally physically spiritually...:)

I know its hard for me to ever let u go... so i know u will live for me... and for the millions like me...! Long live maula... and make me how u want me to be...:)

never leave me!

Is it me or U

to love u was easy... to hate u and forget u... an eternity of pain i must go for every pain pushes u deeper in my being!embedding u in me, making me nothing but u... i am thinking to change my name to u... for so much of me is full of u!

I want to say this to him? his silent reply wont leave me anywhere...:(

will u hit me back... for i wish u cud hit me back... so hard that i forget everything. please, may be juts may be i will find a way of moving forward... away from u,.. finally able find the right one and help myself...i so want to get married... and be with someone but until u dont go its impossiblle... i know u dont want to be in way to my happiness then may be u can just show me how bad u are... so that i fear u ... and run away from u towards a better person... just may be...wont u help me? i cant trust u nor can feel bad abt u, u r a coward... but i am not... i can take ur hit...for i know its good for me... it will end this for me...i will be free of u... free to go to anyone... anywhere... be happy again...please say something so bad so hurtful, so harsh so bad...that i can finally free myself of u... please free me. if i ever was a friend to u...please do this for that sake...if i ever gave u some happiness, some peace some love... juts do it for that...

Are you Alive?

Ever thought, a silent inactive man, he is like an old dreary building with no sign of life and a laughing dancing one... he truly is alive...

i want to be the later even if the total span of hours i live is 1:D

Free Me

You gave me birth, but not self esteem
You gave me food, but not how to survive on my own
you hid me in your chunri so no one cud hurt me
But you took away my strength and courage

I asked for freedom, you said its danger outside
I asked for wat to do, you said get married
I asked who i shud , you said how can i know
i asked i need to be on my own, you said u will break my heart

I went out one day, left the cell at home
I thought u might be worried then i wished u wud learn to trust God
I came back late but not a lot, i saw anger in ur eyes
u didnt say a word and went upstairs and cried

Next day u cried with me, telling i dont care for u
I said i do, but wud u simply trust God a little more then just ur mind
you said u cant be brave and powerful
i said, i want u to be, for i cant have a weak mother anymore

i said it out and felt sad too,
was i really becoming uncaring and arrogant too
or was i right in demanding, ppl to let me be brave
and for them to be brave too, to live fully and not with a weak heart

I hurt with my confessions, but i cannot lie anymore
i want to hear ppl telling me to do it, not making me sit at home and do nothing
i am tired of being chained by worried and fears and concerns
i wish for a family that backs me to lay my life then protect it for them to watch me grow old and die with an empty heart and soul

I know when she will read this... she will feel bad abt herself
but she wont ever understand wat i am asking of her ...

i am quiet and i cry, i feel helpless and caged,

cant hurt her and so i must get hurt, i must give up my dreams... and live with her all my life...so that she doesnt get a heart ache... no matter how my heart keeps dying inside... for my mom doenst deserve it...

she tell me my tears make her cry
and i cant cry in front of her...

but does that mean i am happy
but as long as i dont cry in front of her and watch tv with her... she thinks my life is in order...

No its not Mom,. its not for i deserve to be with him... why cant u in ur heart see it as a happy u me and him... why u see an unhappy u why?

how can i change this image in ur mind so that i cud be free of ur hold on me...

to hurt u is not my intention... to pamper u, i cant ...

for i never wanted ur pampering but some faith in wat Gods asking... of u...

I love u but does the above show it? i dont know... but this is me...

I am now scared of U

so i know i have issues and now on top of that i am scared of u...the only person i wanted to be with! where does it leave me... and i know u wont do a thing to help me get back comfortable with u!

I am scared to make that call... to hear ur confessions, and insulting remarks... to hear u belittle me and my feelings once more... to relive that day where u had smacked on my face and i was able to feel everything but hatred for u...

if only i was able to hate and be indifferent to u... i wud be such a happy girl... but i cant...

So when he asked me... wat i want to do... and i said wait...he said you cant live like that... and i said... all of u know to tell me wat i shudnt do, why cant u guys tell me wat i shud do, to which he said we will tell u... we shall help u meet ppl... and i said wat if i say no to them all like i have been doing....

Are you going to force me... He said no... you will do it only when u r convinced urself... we will never force u... then i said wats the point... i know in my heart he is the only one i want to be with...

But then yesterday, i spotted two guys who i was trying to envisage in the picture and i cud see a happy me... contrasted with u... with u i saw a scared me...

But those two were way younger then me... and probably not even aware of my thoughts...Oh why you had to do it? See what you have left me to feel and think and even do!

Advise to man... if you cannot marry a woman... dont ever say those three words to that woman...I love U , dont kiss her, dont woo her, dont hug her... u wud rather hit her and abuse her but u dare not make her fall in love with u... unless u are planning to marry her and dont take forever to bring her home... Faith will make it all happen and love will make it all easy...

Dont ever take temptations for love... they are temptations... and nothing more... they end after being satisfied... love and marriage has a long way to go...

God bless us all and keep us happy and safe

3 am in the night, Cant sleep!

This is what social gatherings do to me...they make me think endlessly, on the topics raised, questions posed, opinions shared and ppl met.

Went yesterday to T2F to hear a 20 yr student , studying in mahindra college in India telling us his experiences while he roamed illegally to almost every city of India, disclosing how exactly similar we are to them and they are to us... and asking us... why this nationality differences then ...

the most interesting thing i remember was he once with 2 bus drivers spending the night... where they drank some 8 or so bottled of beer and opened up while they had him sitting in the middle... telling him how many girls they raped and ppl they killed all the time telling him in their drunkardness,... tu to hamara dost hai:D lol

no way... and luckily he survived that meeting...

lol! crazy... and here in Karachi... his mother was on coals the whole two yrs when her son... kept mingling with all sort of ppl enjoying the newly learned skills on how to lie, deceive and fake an indian identity totally while being a Pakistani...

But it was an absolutely wonderful meeting him and doing that...

We do have some great places to hang out ... but if this is how i am going to be awake everytime i do something exciting... or meet someone exciting... then its better i dont indulge into such things...

But i simply cant help...and half of the time i am wondering... did i sounded when i spoke like that other girl... who everyone asked to shut up... since she went on and on... was even i that bad... when answering wat is the need for being a national... and why are u proud of ur nationality if u r? i guess no one is there to answer how i sounded or wat impression i made...something ill never know... i guess:D so better not think a lot abt that... jo hogaya so hogaya...!

Correct me if i am wrong! But don't degrade me!

when u have friends from oxford and harward... wat does that mean... they save u yrs of hardship and get u the crux of the 4 yrs everytime u talk to them or hear them

(Bilawal for example:P)....:D similary... wat does a ten yr of schooling of urs means to the street kid ... u talk to him once and he knows wat u really did there!:P if only u share good parts as well as u share the bad parts

I blv Right and Wrong!

there was a time when i saw someone doing a job badly i wanted to take over..:D but with million places to be... only amt of time i cud give each was a second, of rightness and then dump it for other....now contrasting it being in one job being right all the time... there is no right and wrong... ur preference it is and u can change it as many times as u like... for there is no right and wrong... and then finally u will die one fine day... do it ur way for there is no wrong and right...huh! yeh right, yeh wrong... why were these words created if u r right and there really isnt anything right or wrong?

He a lost player, she a convicted winner! Their hearts beat on the same beats!

A journey of a woman in love to get with her one and only love, not on her conditions, not on his but conditions of true love and conditions laid by Allah!


What do u say?

Wud u want to read it further...?

3 little beggars ... Jamila, Anila nad Sarah!

mom asked me to drop him to his place which was close to my home... so i went ... as i was dropping him i spotted three girls, (mangney walis kinds) ages : 6- 3 and a baby not a month or two old...:(

the eldest came to ask for money and since i left with no shopping desire i didnt had any... i gave her one ruppe.. with a sad face, wishing i had more... which she took... and my mind took it all in... three small kids in this part of the neighbopurhood... wandering, with a one month old... and i am sure they are hungry and thirsty... and that kid in their hand... i dont think she is old enuf to stay hungry or thirsty for long...

on the way i regretted not having any money.. but i thot since they are here only and simply sitting a... may be i can catch them

once home i thot may be its ok i shudnt think so seriously and they wud be gone by now... and they arent going to die... if u r not going to take care of them.... God will somehow send them something...

but my better self took hold of me and said, so we dont do a thing even when we easily can... and so i went into the kitchen... took some fruits, without telling mom...

to explain to her and get her agreement... fearing she will make me understand something i dont want to... i didnt say a word... went in packed stuff for them to eat, and went back to the place i saw them hopin they were still hanging there... but when i entered the street, my heart went down when they were not where i last saw them... but i thanked god when i saw one of them sitting on the barrier... road barrier...

i called them gave them food and an empty water bottle... in my hurry i didint fill any water... they took it so i asked them abt their family and why they were here... etc... she told we were here to get some money to buy food and milk... since i had given the food... now wat was left for them was to get milk... i had plenty at my place... so i went back got milk for the baby in the pepsi ltr bottle... enuf for the kid to last for the day...

when i came back the girls had laid the baby down on their chunri and feeding themselves with the food i had given... i was glad...

i thought, i told them to eat and then come with me i will drop them home , which they understood as , "stop eating sit with me and ill drop u"... i tried to horn to tell them othetwise byut they didnt understand ... so i got out of the car... to where they were to explain them ... i told them to feed the milk to which they said they dont have her feeder i said... how can u bring the kid out wat if she dies of hunger, she said one of her sis already died like that... i took the bottle cover poured some milk and tried to feed the infant... she drank some ... she kept crying the whole time in the car and then i dropped them to the basti... i had thoght i wud go chat with their mom and ask them why they were letting these girls to do it but the answers i already got from the girls..

We have two mothers, our father is in gao... e said he was sick and left us..:P sick yeh right... one of the mother works does the same thing i beleive and one sits at home? Why? dont know...:D

Why dont u work?

I did in a big house i cleaned and cleraned it was way big...

then my mother said dont...

How much do u make in a day?...sometimes 50 sometimes 100 bucks...

and wat u get from that money? Aata,

Do u have enuf to eat...? Sometimes sometimes not

do u take of for the dday after a breakfast? sometimes sometimes not...

Bhook nahi legti? Lagti hai

How much that women was paying for work...? only 500

Now i get the answer. when they go begging they make minimum 50

50 X 30 + 1500

swhile the woman gives only 500 for a month.

When money is all u need urr mind guides u the best possible route, in their case it is begging



Child laybor or begging... is there anything they are left with when thier parrents dont have means to support them?...not really unless we take them in... and do wat their parrents cant...

but are we willing to do that... I for one u for one?

I am still wondering!

I dont know if i will ever see them again... or am willing to change their lives... completely...for if i am not... nois there a reason for me to go ahead?

Didnt do a thing!

So today got me thinking again... i am off work/ job... and i am not resuming it ever again... unless i find a reason compelling enuf...

But then i am left with a whole life and nothing to do... other then kill the time one way or other ...

I wud like to get myself in other girl' shoes and do wat they do... but Madhuri is not allowed, Salman Khan is not favored, Maula, is way too hard and difficult, and a path that will take me away from everyone... as i cannot really follow him around others joyfully....

Marriage wud have been a life saver... but without someone to be able to commit even that is not happening... take a job and kill the time... or sit at home and kill the time... both are similar... with no likeminded ppl to find similar interests to share... and work for... i am left with internet, FB and blogging, which i wud do at work... or home... at work i find it wrong and unhealthy at home... found not guilty...

And then as my thoughts bleaked, and freaked me... i took that one visible route left for me to take... get help, get someone to chalk the path for u...and so i without telling my mom,quietly slid in my car and went ahead... where?

to the community head, comedoctor, come, advisor, come person in charge, come friend, come, most possible source for solution...

if i had a better source i wud have got to it first, but since i dont... i found it the best thing to do and wisest too...:D and i felt so releived in this instant when every single one around me had given up, to have someone to give me that hope ...

i stepped in the main office located in our maskid complex, we have a beuatiful grogeous one, and was greeted by a beautiful smile from my childhood friend's mom... friend who is now happily mothering two beautiful kids in Toronto...:D

Nafisa aunty is always smile... she loves to laugh and smile... and she is beautiful... and warm

i was in the que... and glad it wasnt a long one... but mroe ppl come after me and knowing i may take much more longer then anyone of here... i went to the reception and told her u can send in anyone while i am talking as i think i will be taking to which she said if the matter is long, why dont u talk to the PA who cqan give u a time... i said i dont need any middle man...

she said u shud talk toPA and so i did, and was greeted by an elderly man... who asked me why i was there... i firmly told i cant disclose its personal.. give me the theme... he said to which i refused i am sorry.. just tell me when i can see him... and he said... u can go talk to him now...

and so i went in the Janabs office...

This was our first meeting and i was hoping i cud get away without disclosing my personals i.e name etc, so if he gets offended or knows too much abt me... i dont feel uncomfortable especially if he ends up not helping... but when he asked me my complete name along with my surname... i knew there was no hiding...

i told him i need some time to dsicuss in detail... to which he said he is busy today with three meetings... and gave me time for tomorrow 11 am...:D i left with a smile...

came home with a releived sensed as if i am on my way to solving my problem after a big road block... as i entered there was jafar bhai, an aged servant of our relatives, who once a week dropped by our place amidst his deteriorating health...

mom asked me to drop him to his place which was close to my home... so i went ... as i was dropping him i spotted three girls, (mangney walis kinds) ages : 6- 3 and a baby not a month or two old...:(

the eldest came to ask for money and since i left with no shopping desire i didnt had any... i gave her one ruppe.. with a sad face, wishing i had more... which she took... and my mind took it all in... three small kids in this part of the neighbopurhood... wandering, with a one month old... and i am sure they are hungry and thirsty... and that kid in their hand... i dont think she is old enuf to stay hungry or thirsty for long...

on the way i regretted not having any money.. but i thot since they are here only and simply sitting a... may be i can catch them

once home i thot may be its ok i shudnt think so seriously and they wud be gone by now... and they arent going to die... if u r not going to take care of them.... God will somehow send them something...

but my better self took hold of me and said, so we dont do a thing even when we easily can... and so i went into the kitchen... took some fruits, without telling mom...

to explain to her and get her agreement... fearing she will make me understand something i dont want to... i didnt say a word... went in packed stuff for them to eat, and went back to the place i saw them hopin they were still hanging there... but when i entered the street, my heart went down when they were not where i last saw them... but i thanked god when i saw one of them sitting on the barrier... road barrier...

i called them gave them food and an empty water bottle... in my hurry i didint fill any water... they took it so i asked them abt their family and why they were here... etc... she told we were here to get some money to buy food and milk... since i had given the food... now wat was left for them was to get milk... i had plenty at my place... so i went back got milk for the baby in the pepsi ltr bottle... enuf for the kid to last for the day...

when i came back the girls had laid the baby down on their chunri and feeding themselves with the food i had given... i was glad...

i thought, i told them to eat and then come with me i will drop them home , which they understood as , "stop eating sit with me and ill drop u"... i tried to horn to tell them othetwise byut they didnt understand ... so i got out of the car... to where they were to explain them ... i told them to feed the milk to which they said they dont have her feeder i said... how can u bring the kid out wat if she dies of hunger, she said one of her sis already died like that... i took the bottle cover poured some milk and tried to feed the infant... she drank some ... she kept crying the whole time in the car and then i dropped them to the basti... i had thoght i wud go chat with their mom and ask them why they were letting these girls to do it but the answers i already got from the girls..

We have two mothers, our father is in gao... e said he was sick and left us..:P sick yeh right... one of the mother works does the same thing i beleive and one sits at home? Why? dont know...:D

Why dont u work?

I did in a big house i cleaned and cleraned it was way big...

then my mother said dont...

How much do u make in a day?...sometimes 50 sometimes 100 bucks...

and wat u get from that money? Aata,

Do u have enuf to eat...? Sometimes sometimes not

do u take of for the dday after a breakfast? sometimes sometimes not...

Bhook nahi legti? Lagti hai

How much that women was paying for work...? only 500

Now i get the answer. when they go begging they make minimum 50

50 X 30 + 1500

swhile the woman gives only 500 for a month.

When money is all u need urr mind guides u the best possible route, in their case it is begging



Child laybor or begging... is there anything they are left with when thier parrents dont have means to support them?...not really unless we take them in... and do wat their parrents cant...

but are we willing to do that... I for one u for one?

I am still wondering!

I dont know if i will ever see them again... or am willing to change their lives... completely...for if i am not... nois there a reason for me to go ahead?

Opinions Needed

I never had close friends...What does that mean?

I opened up, just to learn i wasnt good enuf for him... What does that mean?

I found out horrible things, that i cudnt support or feel good abt him and he thought i was inconsiderate, someone he never cud feel good around... what does that mean?

I know his addiction, its his ex...and i never knew her influence on him until he opened up and she came back... and what he said while he tried explaining his feeling... i started to doubt myself , my love, my support , him, and feared she taking him away... and he not caring... for who ever wins him... wud mean he wins... ...that is he cannot decide which one is better she or me or may be someone out there... what does that mean... (Cheating nooo! indecisiveness and weakness and ignorance probably yes)

She loves him, cant live with him anymore, yet cannot decide, she wants him to desire her or wants other men to desire her so she can finally get back in a relationship... and make him feel he isnt worth it... its a power fight and lust, or may be it is love... and i am to naive to know as i nevr had a real relationship to undertsand how these temptations work and play havoc with human minds and heart... what does that mean...

if sex as an education is imp... wat if the partner u get is not just as much eductaed as u... or had a different cirriculum as u... and u end up sleeping (yes after marriage ofcourse) Realizing his ways are more savage then u can take... leaving u choices... like u take it or leave it... What does that mean... why cud it then be so necessary... to marry... when leaving someone is that easy.. and there really isnt a commitment involved... why not then stay single or sleep with ten men or women... before marriage...

Love.... if i truly beleive my definition and understanding is worthy, positive, backed by true principles of islam... then why, realising it has taken such a long time... what does it mean?

I found a guy online... randomely... who was intresting in ideas... and it was good to explore things with him.... but i never mated with him for marriage reason... unless abt 5 yrs later... he got his sexual needs aroused... a need for mate gotten better of him... and then instead of looking else where... he started to settle with me... as i was the easiest one... trying to know my fantasies... which were for me to only share with my husband.. something holding me back... this knowledge he is a friend and we are not allowed to discuss that with anyone other then one we intend to marry nad one we love and i dont love him period... and he telling me that is pretty lmao... really... i definitely dont think so... u r saying it cuz... angoor khattey hain... and then finally it was time to cut off... and with that, all those kind gestures, before this evil lust and thoughts had set it, lose their worth... i dont think i am doing a thing wrong putting a stop on it... nor i am unfriendly or hateful towardds him as a human... i am uncomfortable with his growing tendencies... and since its hard for me to explain him this and come to a mustually satisfying conclusion... without creating more tensions... its ideal to shut up and close... let them think wat they want... for me.. i am securing myself... probably froma sincere friend... but sincerity has a very high connotation in my eyes... one unmatched so far by H as a friend and A as a lover and life partner...

And if my criteria s does happen to be totally impossible to meet in todays world... What does it mean?... doi leave them behind thinking they are not worth it...and become dead like everyone else...

But who is going to tell me.... where am i so wrong... and able to motivate me to do the right thing... is there someone who knows better then me...

you guys? ...

there is one who i beleive knows better then anyone... he is up there... and then we have one here... luckily, but sometimes oppening up to him seems like i am troubling him with a trivial matter... its juts my life... how imp cud that be...

But may be i dont value myself even as much as he does... this is the reason why all these questions never get answered and we never get courage to do wat we deserve cuz we are ignorant ...either we are too arrogant..or we are too degraded.... we simply dont know how to value us right.. or others..

I come across faces... they attract me or rather the desire to learn more abt them attracts me.... what does that mean?

I know it takes time to get close to someone... i took that time... i grew close only to be broken into million pieces... how can u now expect me back to do it...this time... i wont do it... like i did with u.... i cant seem to do it again... ever... even if my life depends on him... its u or its no body... unless someone i can feel even without me trying a bit sits in my heart... as strongly and powerfully as u did...and doesnt take a no... like u never took it...

5 New members in my neighbourhood!

we have got these 5 white ducks in our neighbourhood... and today i spotted them in my gali enjoying the evening... together:D it was so serene, and as i watvched them i prayed, may then have enuf, food , water, love, support, company, excitment and peace for them to love it here... and when i was on the term love i saw two of them sitting kiss each other...:D finally, a guy came to rung the bell of the house they were sitting at and they thought finally it was time to leave and the five matakti latakti walked in a row... making a noise... as if saying acha to hum chaltey hain:D felt as if we are living in a park, kids playing ducks roaming and ppl walking:D Love my neighbourhood and since we know almost every one by heart it is that we are one big Family, masha Allah!

And it is cuz of the strength of the name... Shabbira Abad!

Jamsheeraaaaaaaaaaa!

so when my masi pops in sometimes wearing my discarded dresses, and looking pretty and happy, loving the dress... i feel double glad.. feel so grateful to God for someone valuing my stuff more then i cud, teaching me how to care for things, and she is a wonderful girl, who can clean, cook, dance, sing, and laugh and smile on almost everything...and she makes the best eye brows free of cost:D How gorgeous is that!

Fireshots in the night!

in my balcony, enjoying the wind and beautiful night until distinct fire shots are heard... in the back ground drifting me from my peacefilled thoughts to wonder who is now being shot, somewhere, wat families are being affected...:( was thinking to stay out until my eyes shut down ...:) When i was younger there was one night like this and now its here again! that time i cried terribly, and in the morning heard it was a wedding:P

muneeb and mughees:(

merey paas kuch hota agar to itna hota, ke in masum ko yun mertey huey na dekha hota... aah kis maa ki lagaygi in behis baasiyon ko, ke khuda jis dil main nahi woh nahi musalman hota! jo dekhta rehey herat mein inhey cheekhta, woh shaks kya waqei mein hai insaan hota... mein agar hoti to rok leti unhey... thi kehan mein tha jub yeh hadsa hota....:(

Singing!

If my voice wud strike u one day out of blue... when i was but a stranger... juts my voice to back for who i am... i know u wud imagine me to be a sweet, thoughtful, warm and loving person...


:)

And u sang to me...u did... and in that moment i loved u ... i loved it so well that my tears came out...

Love!

we love cuz we know or want to keep knowing until we learn and then we decide whether to stick or not... and then we end up sticking when we feel its worth holding on to...love is a choice....for some a must for some just an option!

for me its the only must thing:)

Face i Love!

so if there is one face which doesn't change ever... and exudes the same love u saw the first time... same possibility, same appearance, same persona... even if u see it thousand times in thousand situations...even when u change a thousand appearances urself...that face is indeed a face of God, and wat wud i do if i didnt had that face in my life:) to let me know i am ok! and even if i am not...i am bound to get ok:D how can i not love that face, do i have a choice?

Never take that face for granted, for thats the only way for us to reach salvation!:)

then i have more faces,

My parrents, but their faith sometimes give up, i cant see the confidence i want to see.. when i am down... and then my sibblings... who adore me, but cannot do a thing abt my pain...:D for its not for them to find a remedy... and then i have friends... who care for me... but are exactly as helpless as i am...

But this face is all powerful, all knowing...and all healing... and After God i can bow to it give my reigns... and be at a place... almost resembling heaven

in midst of this dying pain inflicting world, who wudnt be happy to be in a heaven every second of her /his life... but we are that lucky, and its His love, undying unfailing love... and our rock hard adherence to it... as soon as we lose it we lose...

Blessed are we indeed... for we are saved the misery of this world...and we dont have to worry who to trust:)

I never thought of him like a close friend! But wat was he then? someone i shared so much of me FOC

His Questions are teasing and bugging! as if he is trying to know my secrets for his own pleasure...

I never felt very close to him, or had feelings for him...or cud care for him, and nor i cud sense any of it from him...

We liked talking to each other cuz we found each other interesting or well he had this idea to know ppl and learn and get better... i was may be a subject he studied to gain insights like no books good give...

and i had realised it...

But no doubt he was a sort of releif when i was going through some troubled times... he always encouraging me to feel better, not guilty for any thing i sometimes assumed were my mistakes...

But over the days and since my love affair... it was as if his nosiness started to hurt me and make me feel uncomfortable... there was a dread when he asked me this question... "wats up" as if trying to know my plans and wat i was upto... and somehow mess with them... and i stopped telling him a thing...

i found it hard to say "nothing" when i know it wasnt the truth and how earlier i wud tell every little detail of thoughts in my mind... now i knew going beyond that phrase cud potentionall cost me...

and i find that sarcasm in his voice... blaming me for lying not understanding my need for it...and yesterday when he proposed for me to tell him my life story so he cud get a plot for his movie... i laughed a little in myself... thinking... how easily ppl cash on other ppls stories... making blocikbuster to sell some masala...i didnt say it all out...understanding that this urge isnt so bad... but i am glad its juts that earlier i had suspected he growing interest in me ... on sexual front which was even hard for me to cope... that was the reason why i felt him to be like predating over me... watching me... trying to know my activities... and i wish i cud delete him from FB so i cud juts know someone is not following me...

i have considerably gotten over my habbit to blurt out everything that crosses my mind on FB oblivion of how many ppl of how many profile read it... i still am not totally over it... like this blog... i wonder if any one who knows me that close reads it... and wat he will think of me next time he /she meets me...

I used to think H is someone of a better friend then AB (The one), and AB hated it, telling me thats cuz u havent known him in person that u trust him... in ur imagination... i now feel he is may be right... but then trusting AB is not safe...

except for my family and brothers... i am really not sure who to trust completely not even salman khan... i do feel all my respect for him is bound to go down once i meet him... its always so happens... i have this huge image built in my mind abt someone and when i meet them it comes crashing down...

i hope SK u dont disappoint me... i wish u are strong enuf to retain wat u say u beleive..

as for those who want to know my story to create blcok buster... its my life... if anyone shud benefit from it it shud be me... not the world around..:)

but life is not a money making business.. life is a sacred, divine givin space for sinners to do some good and return back to their eternal abode...

Absence!

Gulab how r u doing ... i so wish i had a camera that cud see u just now! what u might be going through or enjoying! thinking, hoping, learning, wondering! seeing, coping, appreciating bearing! everything... and wish i cud be that Armour that protects u from bad nazar!!!! God bless u and turn u out in a great guy! like the great kid u r!

You took my heart everytime i saw u, there was a need to be on watch for u... a need something deeper, which i cant put out here... but God knows wat i am talking abt... and thats wat matters... for him to know my intentions, my hopes, my fears and my hopes... for only he has the key to help me... and ensure anything in my life...

but i have been away from u... and i wonder when i meet u again which i will may be... for i know u r the reason why i dont feel like quitting this place to see u everyday...i still wonder that when i meet u again... those feelings will reappear, will have the same intensity as before or will i be seeing u with a different lens...:)

those i love it so happens my lens shows me the same picture no matter how many years later i see them! thats how love is it doesnt change no matter wat u show it put it through... it retains and reprroduces the same result... everytime...

you know wat i am thinking... before leaving u... i thot of u like someone who gave me a reason to survive...his absense...i felt may be i will eventually able to fade the pain and him in ur presence...

and i did... as my heart concerned itself with u and how to make it easier for u... better for u... in the moment... he was overshadowed...

now... i am wondering on ur return will that concern resume... and where will it lead me...are u part of the plan my destiny... well i dont mind if u r, only if i dont lose or leave something imp while i accomodate u... soemthing detrimental...

all these answers will finally come out, these mysteries will get solved...they have to:)

and yes my trip is postponed... everything is part of the bigger plan... excitement will continue... but not that this delay is longer then i anticipate... but trust me as i was thinking to be in bombay... there was something not coming right... there were lot id wat if... and my intensity of the tasks had gone down...

i wonder why it happens... but it says something... we need to decipher wat our heart and God is trying to tell us...

no need to be impatient or disappointed... lifes major success come from major disappointments... if i say this will it give everyone a new hope... i hope it does... do we have a choice... unless we want to end up crying and feeling sorry...

Guilt is another thing... those who cant feel guilt on even their sins....i wonder how they find salvation... or do they?

Visiting Bombay! on a mission Possible!:)

I dont have my passport in hand yet... but tomorrow i am supposed to be heading for india... yup... its by bus travel... and we are a group of ppl... all bohris... but no one i know or have ever met before... so i dont know wat to expect from the crowd..:) i hope i meet some sweet ppl who make the trip a smoother more happier one...
Finally!!!! this trip i had wished since childhood
I wont be travelling with them all along... for all i needed them was to get me the visa... and then i will be on my own...and will be spending more of my days infact all of them possibly in bombay, for the mission wont leave me room to travel further or experience more... this time its two imp tasks at hand... and i cannot leave the place without accomplishing them both... but doing it alone scares me... but then i cant see anyone else wanting to do the same...and i hate the idea of having someone dragged along... through out the trip only doing wat i want... i can ask that from myself only... to go with my plan... and only focus on wat i am focussing...:) even if i had a hubby... i can know i wud have freaked him out... so i am glad i am single and on my own... somethings are meant to be done alone... as no one can dare support u or care for wat u want... :)

i do fear it all wont be that easy... and though i am pressed i wont be back without doing them... i dont know how much fate is going to help me in this...and whether god thinks my obsession is just and sincere... for if its not... i dont think God will let me...have ... a little focus and deservingness i lose and i am gone... no cookies for me... and how can i ensure my deserving of these two things...other then wat i was like this past few months......

and yes i want answers to my lifes most pressing questions... and its hard for me to open up without fearing being mocked up or sidelined... i want to be heard to be helped to be guided... i need someone to chalk out my life for me... now that i cannot do it myself... and who is better then him to do that... but am i ready to do wat he will ask of me... am i ready yet to walk that path in actual not in imagination, where everything is piece of cake...

wat wud u say to someone who is willing to make a billion dollar, but who has been scared of taking risks, risking her safety and life to walk out of her comfort zone... silly right... at times i feel i am being that unreasonable... and adamant...

but i am walking out of my home all the way to their city...and i trust i will find him... i will get my intentions... i shall get this chance i need... and i wish it isnt the last one... that i have many moreeeeeeees!

one more thing...none of my family in india knows abt these plans... and i cant really see any of them willing to let me lose and move alone around....they wont be able to accompany me, nor encourage me to be on my own... they will make sure i end up being with them, staying home or simply show me around to places they can...

they will probably scare me to give up on these two missions thinking its impossible for a girl to do wat i am planning for... for once i wish i was a man... who cud fight the bad ppl, move around without worrying of being raped, or kidnapped, or harassed, or stared or followed...:( tats the only thing that makes me not venture into places, i am not sure of...

I have heard though india is safe...how much i will have to experience on my own...scared a bit, which makes my excitement go down and down...

but nothing shud stop me... as i may not be getting another golden chance like this once again... in a long long time...!:)

need ur prayers and wishes....

If i go tomorrow will be back in 20 - 30 days...insha allah!

My God be with me on every step of my way and protect me!:) and help me do the right things and meet the right ppl!