Saturday, May 28, 2011

What to do? stuck so stuck

So i cannot make up my mind abt any one, but i need someone badly... i know that i love him, and need him... but that i cant have him, nor take him, nor will ever say all this to him again ever...at times i feel like i will go mad with this place i am... and these feelings which make me totally locked in his feel... at times i feel i just want to meet him once and hit him so hard and take out all my feelings, anger, pain and hurt, so i am empty of him and can again refill myself with someone anyone.. and be totally freed of him... even if he slaps and hits back(which i know he wont in million yrs:(... i dont care... i wish he had pained me so that my love for him wud have ended then and there but this sweet talk... makes me always look up to him, desire him want him ... i know everything he said to me was ,meaningless to him... but every word i said was wat i meant with all my heart... i know i wont stop living my truth even if it kills me... but now i want to be free of him so i cud let someone else in, since while he is there all man are non existing uninvited... undesired un needed... ... i wont let a man even come close before i am totally over him, the pain he gave me... i dont want to give to another soul... we think we are over someone until we let someone else in and then tell him we are in love with the one we cudnt have and then we kill the poor soul who came in for some love... he doesnt deserve to deal with our unresolved past...unless we are seeking future with him and only him... and for me... as long as he is part of me... i cant think of future with anyone else... for he is my present and he shall be my future...

is there a therapy i can take to free myself of him... if someone cud brainwash me... so i cud totally be able to remove every tiny memory that connects me to him...

at the school finally i was able to forget him in the kids i had forgotten even myself... but now vacations are starting and i know with time alone... he will come more strongly then he cud with my mind filled with kids and Gulab, which came like a blessing, and in caring for him i was finally hopeful i will be able to get over him completely... ppl around me bore me... with the stuff that hardly take my mind off... i wish if only i cud have gulab ( all for myself for 1. 5 months so i cud keep his thoughts from haunting and pinning me down to him..But Gulab may have other plans or even desires... and i am never going to make life hell for him, so may be the ordeal isnt over for me:( i dont know how and when it will... may be with the end of my life... but God please i need some happiness before that... i need some love before that... i maybe n my ill-faith may have asked u to give me only a moment of joy before i die... but i wasn't sure then that i cud ever have more... but i need more now... i want so much more of it... as one moment isn't enuf with him even this life is small too small even an eternity is small... so please consider my plea and unite us for an eternity if u can... for i will need him for that long... for always for ever... and ever...

this song today brought me closer to u... no wonder we shudnt listen to songs they make us feel emotional when we have almost got over it...:(

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