Mothers need to Burry their daughters before their death...

i never thought i wud be saying this ...

But i wish my mother cud really bury me now... its a saying when ur daughter reaches an age of marriage parrents shud send her to her home... bury her...

Now i fully undertsand wat it means... and why it was emphasized...

It means dont keep ur heart in her, or u shall be making her life tough for her... when u let her go and be on her own u not only give her the space and life which is her due right but u also are able to keep away from worries which are never something useful or beneficial to have...

And you cannot burry ur soul until u trust God is there to help her and protect her better then even u cud...and that she will be able to solve all the problems that she somehow gets on her table just like u did... remember... and also it is wise to let ur daughter and son deal with their own troubles rather then u hanging around their doors trying to oush in as soon as ur mind suggests her husband or wife have raised a hand on them....

Remember they chose themselves to be in the situation with all that u have already given in terms of , knowledge faith and wisdom, now unless they come forward themselves... u have no need to get involved... for anything behind that door is a business and a trust they shudnt break... for a news going outside a husband home... is a trust broken... such is the sacred relation of marriage if done with love and knowledge the institution has...

Unless u in ur own knwoledge understand u r being treated unjustly... u always have a door to come out of that institution...

But to discuss things to outsiders with a hope to get an answer will never suffice...

Relying on others to decide ur fate is the lowest category of faith possible... for faith is wat u firmly beleive with closed eyes and dont need a second opinion ever for...

In Rasulallahs time ppl reached out to Rasulallah when faced with a delimma... Who do u have in ur times...?

I have u maula... the only source... but even coming to u without asking permission of my husband is wrong...so before i will ever enter a wedlock i will ensure he understands ur place in my life and wud agree that when in doubt u will be the one who will decide... if he wont agree i wont marry him... But then wasnt that alwyas the first thing which i emphasized whenever i thot abt someone for wedding even him....He doesnt beleive in u... and that is the reason why we are unable to be together... as soon as he does there wont be anyone more happy then me...:) till then i wish him well and i wait for his return to u prior to me...:)

Strange

Strange when i see ppl flirting, and still not getting beyond that...:) i see they like each other... but may be they are waiting for the other to really make that specific suggestion...but none does and they keep playing it safe... not daring to ask and bear the consequences...

but those small mistakes which u were so always waiting to make in ur childhood... now u cant make them... for now a small failure or rejection seems like the end of ur life where as in childhood, holding a walking cockroach and putting it in ur mouth was not as disgusting or heart breaking...:) shit i dont know wat i am writing... my mom sitting next to me... and i dont want her to read any of this... may be one day i will definitely share with her this...:) love her...

Waqt-e- Namaz!

Azaan bhi kya cheez hai... Insaan ko hiladeti hai... apni jegah se:P (Love u God on my way! Have loads to discuss:)

Empty Mind, should never be left on its own devises!

If i really made up my mind to read all the great work there is... and take all the time to finish one before dismissing it... i will need exactly eternity... :P and since i beleive i have it for myself... and wat will i do with all that time...i wish i had a system devised where i cud scan it all in my mind and let my mind produce a copy one after another so i cud never be bored...i dont care of the dramas and real pain... but boredom and empty mind left on its own devises can play a havoc with me.

Sometimes when i listen to myself talking to you... i then feel more understanding of her and what she did when she made that call... we are frustrated by what u did and how things are... and we dont know how to get ourselves out of u nor back with u...

and i cannot in that moment decide why i shud deserve to be with u more then her or expect from u wat she cudnt get...

Though i know a lot of her choices were wrong in terms of dealing with u ... but a lot of ur choice were wrong too and so were mine... and if we all are wrong then why anyone of us think we dont deserve wat we have got ourselves into...

at times when i imagine me and u being happy and fulfilled in life while she struggles alone i cannot feel sorry and want to switch places... but when she comes and i find u both struggling and unhappy... while i myself not having a place to be... i dont know which of the two stories should really become the reality...

and then i try to imagine you and her soemhow making it happy together... and real happy or atleast enuf happy for u to never look back or wonder wat it cud be if u were with me... totally oblivion of me... then i am unsure who to place myself with... for i know... the way i was with u... i am with u... i cant be with anyone... how can i find another u for me...if only i cud i wud surely be able to do away with u... but noone but u... i used to think may be i can get myself hooked on to SK... but i know how u wud label me... my love was sellable...

it was u who wronged me... all the way it was u... but how easily u make me feel bad by telling it was me who didnt know a thing abt being true and loving u...

i know i know... i can bet over ur and my life... never will u be able to say this one thing abt me...

"she didnt love me right... and she wasnt there when i needed her the most"... cuz u wud have to be a man without a heart to be able to say it... and i know whether u have anything or not u do have a twisted, but beautiful heart... the heart that made me fall in love with u... the heart that i made my home the day i laid my eyes on u and heard u smile...:) and the heart i vowed to protect till the end of my life... and i am still true to that promise... for isn't this ordeal to weaken my resolve...

sometimes i feel may be i will one day back down... sometimes i feel i am being asked by God to back down, to give up to let go... and sometimes i feel it is ok to back down.. and so i feel may be i will... but my heart can marry someone but that u will ever be out of my heart... that i wudnt care wat happens to u... or if u r ok.... someone has to kill me to stop me from that... even my hubby... will know that when its u in question even he cannot say a word... now where will i find that hubby... not sure... and wonder why he will want to deal with me... only if God has a plan... then well miracles can always happen... cant they...but why wud i need someone to be with me when its u i wanted there more then anyone...but then future will unfold it... juts like one of those novels u read... is it ok to feel happy to see my life was a real love story too...:) at times i am more happy to have a love story then to know whether i got u in the end or not... for love is imp... not the ending...

Time to Go!

i want to run away...:) to a place where i cud be i dont know... some thoughts are like an arrray of scenes u dont have words to really write them. glad for not having a good vocab gosh... wish i didnt know how to write the first sentence, its bad this moment, not even close the next...without knowing where to run ... running away can be a very stupid thing...may be its time for another trip or pill:( whchever does the work. Somewhere! here i come! (its a secret... wont even tell my parrents:) will call them to tell i am ok... dont worry abt me... and i love u more than life... but i needed this more than u .. :P dream it is for my mom will raise the sky on this one...

They wont be able to breathe until they cud see me on the skype... and know i am ok... and will remain so till the end of my life:) this is love too...

i want to do something exceptional... something i never dreamed of...wat is that one thing u did u never dreamed u wud do?

What to do? stuck so stuck

So i cannot make up my mind abt any one, but i need someone badly... i know that i love him, and need him... but that i cant have him, nor take him, nor will ever say all this to him again ever...at times i feel like i will go mad with this place i am... and these feelings which make me totally locked in his feel... at times i feel i just want to meet him once and hit him so hard and take out all my feelings, anger, pain and hurt, so i am empty of him and can again refill myself with someone anyone.. and be totally freed of him... even if he slaps and hits back(which i know he wont in million yrs:(... i dont care... i wish he had pained me so that my love for him wud have ended then and there but this sweet talk... makes me always look up to him, desire him want him ... i know everything he said to me was ,meaningless to him... but every word i said was wat i meant with all my heart... i know i wont stop living my truth even if it kills me... but now i want to be free of him so i cud let someone else in, since while he is there all man are non existing uninvited... undesired un needed... ... i wont let a man even come close before i am totally over him, the pain he gave me... i dont want to give to another soul... we think we are over someone until we let someone else in and then tell him we are in love with the one we cudnt have and then we kill the poor soul who came in for some love... he doesnt deserve to deal with our unresolved past...unless we are seeking future with him and only him... and for me... as long as he is part of me... i cant think of future with anyone else... for he is my present and he shall be my future...

is there a therapy i can take to free myself of him... if someone cud brainwash me... so i cud totally be able to remove every tiny memory that connects me to him...

at the school finally i was able to forget him in the kids i had forgotten even myself... but now vacations are starting and i know with time alone... he will come more strongly then he cud with my mind filled with kids and Gulab, which came like a blessing, and in caring for him i was finally hopeful i will be able to get over him completely... ppl around me bore me... with the stuff that hardly take my mind off... i wish if only i cud have gulab ( all for myself for 1. 5 months so i cud keep his thoughts from haunting and pinning me down to him..But Gulab may have other plans or even desires... and i am never going to make life hell for him, so may be the ordeal isnt over for me:( i dont know how and when it will... may be with the end of my life... but God please i need some happiness before that... i need some love before that... i maybe n my ill-faith may have asked u to give me only a moment of joy before i die... but i wasn't sure then that i cud ever have more... but i need more now... i want so much more of it... as one moment isn't enuf with him even this life is small too small even an eternity is small... so please consider my plea and unite us for an eternity if u can... for i will need him for that long... for always for ever... and ever...

this song today brought me closer to u... no wonder we shudnt listen to songs they make us feel emotional when we have almost got over it...:(