So i did it!

and i dont know wat it will bring... i still know i had to!

we need to tell ppl wat we think and how we feel and even though ppl wont take us positively always... we need to still do it our way...or the way we know...

i have slapped ppl in my life... once i slapped an older colleague...i was eating with him and i felt he touched my hand and i cudnt hold myself i slapped him right in face... and then realised wat i had done... he was off for that... two days... it was impulsive yet necessary... to let him know never again... he must do it...

then i slapped once my bro for pushing me off balance and it came straight... in that moment the anger gets best of me... and ofcourse he was pissed... but then i said sorry or may be i didnt... but i was sweeter to him after that... i love my bro until he teases me in times i am not in mood to take...

and i have virtually slapped u today for all the wrong u did... i know may be it puts the biggest end to everything to ur ever coming back, but it was necessary...

forgiving u without giving u a piece of mind wud be an impossible thing... i am not moving on ... no i dont think i can love anyone like i loved u... and i dont think i will feel good with someone who i dont love like that... but putting words to my feelings is imp...

i never wanted to do that... to hit u... it was one thing i never wanted to ever experience... taht i hoped u will be that one person i can bow too but never raise a hanfd...i had thought u will always be good to me... i will never need to use it with u... no matter how much u tease me hurt me... i will always get along... i will always forgive... but that u will treat me like this... that u will hurt me like this... i never thot u cud... and now that u did... how can i not let u know its not ok... how can this be ok... something u let go and move on...

i slapped u to remind u... it was someones heart u played with... one who treated u like the most imp person... who cared for u, like her own flesh and soul, who cried with u, laughed with u... when u were scared to open up to ur own ppl... who has made a pact to never leave ur side... u played with that one person you so conveniently said u loved and cared for... and one u find so easy to replace... or try to replace... but i know u never can...for i am one piece... someone who has seen u that close and still dared to love u and have faith in u

But why my heart still doesnt beleive... its over... why it still feels hope that one day i will be laughing again... with u... over ur silly bragging and u making fun of me for being so silly... why... i feel one day... i will be there in the kitchen making food for u...and u will be watching me with that cheezy smile... saying something stupid... and make me mess it all up and run to kick u...:) that u will still say something stupid and make me laugh on all this... why i still feel u arent be that bad... u cant be that bad...

My Brother loved it!!!!!

so i have been singing since i was young... comments i have got :

tumhari awaz mein boht dard hai...:) Shireen
u have got an RJ voice... My mentor and van friends...:)
sweet voice of aptech... the student counselor Aptech... and the fact that i won a thousand Rs price... winning a compettion that had 9 men and me... we had three rounds and well the seconf finalist sang nusrat fateh ali khans song... and he had an awesome voice...so i felt great...especially the thing i loved was i wasnt able to produce a high sound... i cant sing on high tones... so the guys actually had to sit really close to hear me... and i shut my eyes as i feared the crowd will make me nervous... but when i opened the serentity and sincerity in everyone around me listening with love ... made me keep them open for the rest of the song...:)
once i was singing a song from ghalib poetry... and my cousin in the other room asked... were u listening to ghalib just now... not beleiving it was me...:P hehe i never quite told her...
well it does run in my family... my abbu loves to sing and my mom recites mersiyah her mom did that too...
we sometimes sing duet me and my bro... rare but we did...

and finally never doing it explicitly... i know i am damn shy... and well i cant dance or sing in front of anyone... or if i will it will be done consiously... not in the free spirit i do when no ones watching or hearing... but once recorded its easier to let them in...

and my brother loved my clip... he wants me to sing one on her wedding... a pretty timy wish from a bro to his sis... i wud give him a world if he asks and if i can afford...:) so yessh

and now i shared with another of my lady friend... lets see wat she says... but i feel i want to impress sonu nigham and make it once to for him to hear me and rate me... and soend one day trying to teach me... free of cost haan!:) and Sk too:) oh i wud be a happy person...

Happy Singing!

Yeh dor, Kabhi na tootey!

na tootti hai na sulajhti hai:) yeh dor bus chubhti hai! kabhi hansati hai kabhi rulati hai... apney honey ka ahsaas dilati hai... yeh dor meri hasti hai...na tootti hai na sulajhti hai!na ho ker bhi saath nibhati hai... ik dost ki yaad dilati hai! na tootti hai na sulajhti hai! k merey khwab reza reza na ho... inhey apney mein somoti peroti hai! yeh dor meri apni hai! na totti hai na sulajhti hai! raahon mein agar kantey ho to apney pero pe uthati hai... khushiyon mein bhool jaoon to, phir saamney ajati hai! na tootti hai na sulajhti hai... yeh dor bus chubhti hai!

Unresolved stuff!

Sometimes answers dont come and questions keep hammering at u hard ... making u doubt ur sanity, nagging at u, tugging at u pulling at u like a stubborn kid and u are silently taking it all in, waiting for God to guide u to it, to help u form words, thoughts, paths and actions... so u can finally sooth away and stop these questions from harassing u... sometimes u want to be left alone with everything that only soothes:) i even see these questions framed on others faces when the inner voice has taken a toll on me... oohhh can u ever escape this devil of unresolved phases in ur life...

Though when resolved u create more problems to solve so u can feel theres something left to be done...

I miss this!!!!!:( but i am glad i had it once...

He: agar tumhara koi dushman ho usey tumharey saath kamrey mein rekh dena chahiye... woh pagal hojayega aur tum us kay dimagh ka dahi kerdogi...

me: hihihiiiii!:P

He: u know tumhari ik achi baat hai.... k tum aisi baton per hans deti ho.... is sey do batein hoti hai mera gussa thanda hojata hai aur tum hans bhi leti ho... but i fear u will change after marriage...
Me: kesi hojaoongi, (evil death ki terah.... cheekhoongi,kya keroongi....)
He: Silence...

a hurt man can be like that...:( fearful and doubting of love of happiness... for nothing can be owned or preserved...but that u let it go of fear u will lose it one day... wats a point in that?

but then i guess if its in our fate we cant really miss it can we...

Have you tried singing?

I sing, like a free bird, like a free soul... i sing... i used to write urdu songs... sher when i was in my teens... i do them still... they speak my feelings like the rest of my words... but they are more closer in expressing the poetic and artistic side of me... there was a time when i used to hide wat i wrote for i know it was raw stuff... a girl wasnt supposed to feel or write... a taboo... u can say but i cudnt hold my words and feelings juts like i cudnt hold my breath...:) they are my lifelines...

i have lost so many... as i never thought they wud ever be sung to anyone... i was scared of being judged or misinterpreted... The sweetness and warmth and purity of soul... cud easily be degraded by one small unclean thought... and for me my words were precious, my feelings matter... even if they didnt get me anything other then that moment in its richness...

some are way too open and revealing... i wont ever put them here... For God and my hubby are two souls who will ever learn that part of me... every one else is an outsider, allowed only to watch a part of me i choose to show...

We all keep secrets inside... they are precious, they are amanat.... when we put them on display we degrade ourselves and that secret... we are tempted or well i can say those are... who dont get from it the blessing and bliss which it gives when u protect it... like u protect ur honour, ur faith, ur truth, ur loved ones - ur most treasured and cherished belongings... you protect them over ur life...

So tender so warm yet so cold at times
I talk of this man, a boy , friend of mine

When I first heard him my heart hammered deep
When I laid my eyes on him his manliness intrigued me

But finally when I met him the emotions were loud and clear
Though nothing of a man I assumed I felt quite at home without fear

He listened oh so well like a gentle man from a british novel
But the sterneness in his face made me think of him as a villain

As I kept on talking clueless of what he thought or felt
I was choked on few strong words spelt

One was love, One was kiss one was our names pronounced together
Locking me to him by some unintentional grasp yet one that was there forever

Never I had thought I wud have to hear what I heard
As he spoke of his views so rigid so strong and from mine differed

I felt my fear getting better of me
Reviewing him once again this time with scrutiny

But felt at ease yet again as I heard him laugh like a baby
Oh he has a heart I felt a warm one and something I wud love to see

For an hour we kept exploring talking knowing
Finally on third call we were broken from the spell we were going

As he moved to the door his sister asked…
If we knew each other from the past

I answered we had talked once
But the time was not so good I deduce

And a blow of laughter sprung in the air
Calling it a happy end to a blissfull affair

As he took my hand so unexpectedly
I cudnt but feel something go of with him of me

Was it my heart my soul or just a dream
Something stirred deep in me

I walked him down and shut door on him
Realizing after wards if I had closed my self to him

He took my number but never called me
For 2 weeks I thought but then got busy

And then suddenly one fine day while making dough
As my mind wandered why life was rough

And I thot if there were something more I cud do
To make this life a little better to view

And a thought sprung from nowhere but deep
A call of an action and leap

To nudge this person why he never came back
What was in me that didn’t match

So I finally emailed him on FB
And from there started a bitter sweet love story

lol! can such a sweet thing be anything harsh or evil? was my heart giving me wrong signals or was it a way to know life will keep throwing these stones at u... and u need to keep walking straight with the conviction... that never dies...

i still care for u... with all my heart i do and something in me says i always will beyond this world in the next and beyond... u r in my heart, which will be empty and hollow without u....

MOM!

mom! she is a sea, a mountain, a river, a desert, a sky, a never ending bounty a soul born in this world to love me and rest of her heart pieces that beat abt her... and she beats with them... so many parts scattered here and there... i am glad she has so many of them... so that if one is hurting the other heals... if one is missing other keeps her company...:) i wish she is never lonely! and the pieces keep adding and adding...:)and her love keeps flowing like it knows no end