muneeb and mughees:(

merey paas kuch hota agar to itna hota, ke in masum ko yun mertey huey na dekha hota... aah kis maa ki lagaygi in behis baasiyon ko, ke khuda jis dil main nahi woh nahi musalman hota! jo dekhta rehey herat mein inhey cheekhta, woh shaks kya waqei mein hai insaan hota... mein agar hoti to rok leti unhey... thi kehan mein tha jub yeh hadsa hota....:(

Singing!

If my voice wud strike u one day out of blue... when i was but a stranger... juts my voice to back for who i am... i know u wud imagine me to be a sweet, thoughtful, warm and loving person...


:)

And u sang to me...u did... and in that moment i loved u ... i loved it so well that my tears came out...

Love!

we love cuz we know or want to keep knowing until we learn and then we decide whether to stick or not... and then we end up sticking when we feel its worth holding on to...love is a choice....for some a must for some just an option!

for me its the only must thing:)

Face i Love!

so if there is one face which doesn't change ever... and exudes the same love u saw the first time... same possibility, same appearance, same persona... even if u see it thousand times in thousand situations...even when u change a thousand appearances urself...that face is indeed a face of God, and wat wud i do if i didnt had that face in my life:) to let me know i am ok! and even if i am not...i am bound to get ok:D how can i not love that face, do i have a choice?

Never take that face for granted, for thats the only way for us to reach salvation!:)

then i have more faces,

My parrents, but their faith sometimes give up, i cant see the confidence i want to see.. when i am down... and then my sibblings... who adore me, but cannot do a thing abt my pain...:D for its not for them to find a remedy... and then i have friends... who care for me... but are exactly as helpless as i am...

But this face is all powerful, all knowing...and all healing... and After God i can bow to it give my reigns... and be at a place... almost resembling heaven

in midst of this dying pain inflicting world, who wudnt be happy to be in a heaven every second of her /his life... but we are that lucky, and its His love, undying unfailing love... and our rock hard adherence to it... as soon as we lose it we lose...

Blessed are we indeed... for we are saved the misery of this world...and we dont have to worry who to trust:)

I never thought of him like a close friend! But wat was he then? someone i shared so much of me FOC

His Questions are teasing and bugging! as if he is trying to know my secrets for his own pleasure...

I never felt very close to him, or had feelings for him...or cud care for him, and nor i cud sense any of it from him...

We liked talking to each other cuz we found each other interesting or well he had this idea to know ppl and learn and get better... i was may be a subject he studied to gain insights like no books good give...

and i had realised it...

But no doubt he was a sort of releif when i was going through some troubled times... he always encouraging me to feel better, not guilty for any thing i sometimes assumed were my mistakes...

But over the days and since my love affair... it was as if his nosiness started to hurt me and make me feel uncomfortable... there was a dread when he asked me this question... "wats up" as if trying to know my plans and wat i was upto... and somehow mess with them... and i stopped telling him a thing...

i found it hard to say "nothing" when i know it wasnt the truth and how earlier i wud tell every little detail of thoughts in my mind... now i knew going beyond that phrase cud potentionall cost me...

and i find that sarcasm in his voice... blaming me for lying not understanding my need for it...and yesterday when he proposed for me to tell him my life story so he cud get a plot for his movie... i laughed a little in myself... thinking... how easily ppl cash on other ppls stories... making blocikbuster to sell some masala...i didnt say it all out...understanding that this urge isnt so bad... but i am glad its juts that earlier i had suspected he growing interest in me ... on sexual front which was even hard for me to cope... that was the reason why i felt him to be like predating over me... watching me... trying to know my activities... and i wish i cud delete him from FB so i cud juts know someone is not following me...

i have considerably gotten over my habbit to blurt out everything that crosses my mind on FB oblivion of how many ppl of how many profile read it... i still am not totally over it... like this blog... i wonder if any one who knows me that close reads it... and wat he will think of me next time he /she meets me...

I used to think H is someone of a better friend then AB (The one), and AB hated it, telling me thats cuz u havent known him in person that u trust him... in ur imagination... i now feel he is may be right... but then trusting AB is not safe...

except for my family and brothers... i am really not sure who to trust completely not even salman khan... i do feel all my respect for him is bound to go down once i meet him... its always so happens... i have this huge image built in my mind abt someone and when i meet them it comes crashing down...

i hope SK u dont disappoint me... i wish u are strong enuf to retain wat u say u beleive..

as for those who want to know my story to create blcok buster... its my life... if anyone shud benefit from it it shud be me... not the world around..:)

but life is not a money making business.. life is a sacred, divine givin space for sinners to do some good and return back to their eternal abode...

Absence!

Gulab how r u doing ... i so wish i had a camera that cud see u just now! what u might be going through or enjoying! thinking, hoping, learning, wondering! seeing, coping, appreciating bearing! everything... and wish i cud be that Armour that protects u from bad nazar!!!! God bless u and turn u out in a great guy! like the great kid u r!

You took my heart everytime i saw u, there was a need to be on watch for u... a need something deeper, which i cant put out here... but God knows wat i am talking abt... and thats wat matters... for him to know my intentions, my hopes, my fears and my hopes... for only he has the key to help me... and ensure anything in my life...

but i have been away from u... and i wonder when i meet u again which i will may be... for i know u r the reason why i dont feel like quitting this place to see u everyday...i still wonder that when i meet u again... those feelings will reappear, will have the same intensity as before or will i be seeing u with a different lens...:)

those i love it so happens my lens shows me the same picture no matter how many years later i see them! thats how love is it doesnt change no matter wat u show it put it through... it retains and reprroduces the same result... everytime...

you know wat i am thinking... before leaving u... i thot of u like someone who gave me a reason to survive...his absense...i felt may be i will eventually able to fade the pain and him in ur presence...

and i did... as my heart concerned itself with u and how to make it easier for u... better for u... in the moment... he was overshadowed...

now... i am wondering on ur return will that concern resume... and where will it lead me...are u part of the plan my destiny... well i dont mind if u r, only if i dont lose or leave something imp while i accomodate u... soemthing detrimental...

all these answers will finally come out, these mysteries will get solved...they have to:)

and yes my trip is postponed... everything is part of the bigger plan... excitement will continue... but not that this delay is longer then i anticipate... but trust me as i was thinking to be in bombay... there was something not coming right... there were lot id wat if... and my intensity of the tasks had gone down...

i wonder why it happens... but it says something... we need to decipher wat our heart and God is trying to tell us...

no need to be impatient or disappointed... lifes major success come from major disappointments... if i say this will it give everyone a new hope... i hope it does... do we have a choice... unless we want to end up crying and feeling sorry...

Guilt is another thing... those who cant feel guilt on even their sins....i wonder how they find salvation... or do they?

Visiting Bombay! on a mission Possible!:)

I dont have my passport in hand yet... but tomorrow i am supposed to be heading for india... yup... its by bus travel... and we are a group of ppl... all bohris... but no one i know or have ever met before... so i dont know wat to expect from the crowd..:) i hope i meet some sweet ppl who make the trip a smoother more happier one...
Finally!!!! this trip i had wished since childhood
I wont be travelling with them all along... for all i needed them was to get me the visa... and then i will be on my own...and will be spending more of my days infact all of them possibly in bombay, for the mission wont leave me room to travel further or experience more... this time its two imp tasks at hand... and i cannot leave the place without accomplishing them both... but doing it alone scares me... but then i cant see anyone else wanting to do the same...and i hate the idea of having someone dragged along... through out the trip only doing wat i want... i can ask that from myself only... to go with my plan... and only focus on wat i am focussing...:) even if i had a hubby... i can know i wud have freaked him out... so i am glad i am single and on my own... somethings are meant to be done alone... as no one can dare support u or care for wat u want... :)

i do fear it all wont be that easy... and though i am pressed i wont be back without doing them... i dont know how much fate is going to help me in this...and whether god thinks my obsession is just and sincere... for if its not... i dont think God will let me...have ... a little focus and deservingness i lose and i am gone... no cookies for me... and how can i ensure my deserving of these two things...other then wat i was like this past few months......

and yes i want answers to my lifes most pressing questions... and its hard for me to open up without fearing being mocked up or sidelined... i want to be heard to be helped to be guided... i need someone to chalk out my life for me... now that i cannot do it myself... and who is better then him to do that... but am i ready to do wat he will ask of me... am i ready yet to walk that path in actual not in imagination, where everything is piece of cake...

wat wud u say to someone who is willing to make a billion dollar, but who has been scared of taking risks, risking her safety and life to walk out of her comfort zone... silly right... at times i feel i am being that unreasonable... and adamant...

but i am walking out of my home all the way to their city...and i trust i will find him... i will get my intentions... i shall get this chance i need... and i wish it isnt the last one... that i have many moreeeeeeees!

one more thing...none of my family in india knows abt these plans... and i cant really see any of them willing to let me lose and move alone around....they wont be able to accompany me, nor encourage me to be on my own... they will make sure i end up being with them, staying home or simply show me around to places they can...

they will probably scare me to give up on these two missions thinking its impossible for a girl to do wat i am planning for... for once i wish i was a man... who cud fight the bad ppl, move around without worrying of being raped, or kidnapped, or harassed, or stared or followed...:( tats the only thing that makes me not venture into places, i am not sure of...

I have heard though india is safe...how much i will have to experience on my own...scared a bit, which makes my excitement go down and down...

but nothing shud stop me... as i may not be getting another golden chance like this once again... in a long long time...!:)

need ur prayers and wishes....

If i go tomorrow will be back in 20 - 30 days...insha allah!

My God be with me on every step of my way and protect me!:) and help me do the right things and meet the right ppl!