Temptations....

Its hard and its sad, when temptations come as the most natural urge...and you don't understand how u can go against your own nature...and desires... and the worst it when u sulk when u try to avoid it for the fear what if it really is just a temptation to turn you into that which you wanted to avoid and hate being when u started this journey and what if it takes you away from that goal which as a kid you held close...

what harm i feel it cud be to dress like them and let myself lose and feel the freeness of the feeling, that feeling my skin and body could use to regain its color which it lost trying to pin myself down when all i wanted was to fly...

but i know not. For a girl i protected and the soul i protected to be endangered with what lies beyond that freeness is what has made me keep myself closed behind doors and in veils.

If you could life the veils to find the me and love what you saw in there and cherish me for all i am and offer you, wouldn't i be then truly be saved...

But the in see all those unveiled beauties around me enticing you... and as i see you drifted in them i feel nothing else but a desire to wrap myself again, for i only showed myself to you with a hope it was you i was born from, it was you i was to please with my beingness and it was me who only could hold your heart and mind and soul. But it wasn't true... and as i walk out of your life, with a hope may be you will realize...your not coming after me made it clear, my veil came off for a man, not meant for me.

I am juts glad i didn't show more of me, or who knows i would have had with it lost my faith and Gods faith in me too.

I thought love is all abt giving it to someone, but when you give it to someone who isnt born for it, or to deserve it... it all seems like a waste.

As time passes my hope to find a better you walks out with it...making it even harder for me to protect reasons which would make it possible to take you back if you ever chose to return.

Return would you? For what?

to find solace at the end of a tiring journey which you took as u ran after your dreams and desires, and which never gave you them, or even after giving you couldn't offer you any solace or peace.

To find me, which is well as unlikely as you being sinless.

To find yourself, which is likely, as i do believe i have you held in my heart like no one else does, and to find that you you shall need to come back and claim the place which may have refused all the rest when they tried filling the same spot, and it is after so many years still awaiting you.

I wonder how change i will be as a person when that will happen. Will i be that lovestruck girl, who clinged to you like a lifeline, like an oxygen mask, like a stream of life, like a moment of joy, like a dream come true...jerking on your calls, sighing to hear from you when it was highly unlikely, waking up in the night with a jerk...crying hot tears, as she clenched the pillow wetting it, wondering how could someone make her feel this way, and long for your touch... t held by you once again

or a woman, who had grown stronger and more stable in these years, losing that vitality of youth which could make those things possible, for her to lay down at your feet on your one gesture, leaving everything behind her just to receive one gesture that wud set her free and make her glow and bring her to life.

I don't know but i wish by a miracle some of it was preserved and wud remain so for as long as i and u are in this physical world and beyond.