I hate working for Money:(

Took me half hour but my kitchen is viewable again..:) there is still a heap of displaced clothes lying on my table...and i keep delaying wishing as by miracle they will be in their places...

i am a procrastinator of a high level, especially when it comes to organizing my drawers and cleaning my room and placing the clothes in its right place... i wonder if i had a servant, who wud come after me, and as i wud change wud take the worn one, and go away... until i need them again.. and then i wud find them laundered ironed and hanging... for me to take them out and flaunt away...:) but alas no such perks for me... may be one day...

i wasnt born in a palace no... but i had been pampered by my mom, who always thought it was best to do my work for me...being an only girl helps... and now though she regrets her mistake, still unable to do a thing, i find it all part of the plan... part of how my life was to be...

its not just my folks, i am a very imp figure in whole of my nanyal being the most influencial woman...the only sister of so many brothers and cousin brothers... and also unmarried. If i had been married, they wud still had pretty much forgotten abt me...but being still around, with no one to make decisions for her but her ownself.. they sort of always be on guard to help me or make sure i am not in a potential danger, devising plans to get me tie the knot, using all kind of strategies, from manipulation, to sweet talk, to anger, to being disappointed to being dont care...but deep down one thing they can never avoid showing... great love for me...

so when my brother asked me whats going on in my life, which i feel is an very iunsulting question... juts because i am not married with kids, doesnt make my life less of a life then urs. do i ever ask hows life going? so i answered, hoping to get them feel better abt me... telling them i got so many kids in my life, volunteering at a school and enjoying it big time... i thought being of use will help them get less worried abt me... my bro and bhabi did the ooh aahs and then there was another question... wat abt a job? are u goping to think abt it? and i was like... no i havent... nor i think i wud want to...

i have not given up of my previous job to get back in the same devil again... i know money matters but not that i am ever going to resume working under someone...

and suddenly i felt as if i was obliged to work and earn for myself...and the stress suddenly started coming... and with that came my feeling of being useless... no matter if i die for a cause, but if i am not in a job getting paid or in a business making money... i am a taboo...:(

when i adamantly said i havent thought abt it not i feel i want to.. my bro turned to his wife in a disapproving way... my sister! and i had to gulp down some of the pieces of my broken heart, and my face had lost its vitality... i tried to control my anger... wondering juts cuZ i am not earning makes me less of a sister?

i understand u are thinking how will i survive? but isnt thats for me to think... i am not on roads and i am not spending a fortune...

i have got an MBA and i had been working for ten yrs... doing nothing... but earning a fortune... now i want to do something even if it doesnt pay me anything...

unless i find a balance where i can take the money... while also feeling internally happy... but its still time for that... if money wasnt attached with being limited, controlled and stressed and unworthy, and pathetic and caged and little minds... i wud have gladly accepted it... but that is all wat comes when i think of it... prove me wrong.