Mothers need to Burry their daughters before their death...

i never thought i wud be saying this ...

But i wish my mother cud really bury me now... its a saying when ur daughter reaches an age of marriage parrents shud send her to her home... bury her...

Now i fully undertsand wat it means... and why it was emphasized...

It means dont keep ur heart in her, or u shall be making her life tough for her... when u let her go and be on her own u not only give her the space and life which is her due right but u also are able to keep away from worries which are never something useful or beneficial to have...

And you cannot burry ur soul until u trust God is there to help her and protect her better then even u cud...and that she will be able to solve all the problems that she somehow gets on her table just like u did... remember... and also it is wise to let ur daughter and son deal with their own troubles rather then u hanging around their doors trying to oush in as soon as ur mind suggests her husband or wife have raised a hand on them....

Remember they chose themselves to be in the situation with all that u have already given in terms of , knowledge faith and wisdom, now unless they come forward themselves... u have no need to get involved... for anything behind that door is a business and a trust they shudnt break... for a news going outside a husband home... is a trust broken... such is the sacred relation of marriage if done with love and knowledge the institution has...

Unless u in ur own knwoledge understand u r being treated unjustly... u always have a door to come out of that institution...

But to discuss things to outsiders with a hope to get an answer will never suffice...

Relying on others to decide ur fate is the lowest category of faith possible... for faith is wat u firmly beleive with closed eyes and dont need a second opinion ever for...

In Rasulallahs time ppl reached out to Rasulallah when faced with a delimma... Who do u have in ur times...?

I have u maula... the only source... but even coming to u without asking permission of my husband is wrong...so before i will ever enter a wedlock i will ensure he understands ur place in my life and wud agree that when in doubt u will be the one who will decide... if he wont agree i wont marry him... But then wasnt that alwyas the first thing which i emphasized whenever i thot abt someone for wedding even him....He doesnt beleive in u... and that is the reason why we are unable to be together... as soon as he does there wont be anyone more happy then me...:) till then i wish him well and i wait for his return to u prior to me...:)

Strange

Strange when i see ppl flirting, and still not getting beyond that...:) i see they like each other... but may be they are waiting for the other to really make that specific suggestion...but none does and they keep playing it safe... not daring to ask and bear the consequences...

but those small mistakes which u were so always waiting to make in ur childhood... now u cant make them... for now a small failure or rejection seems like the end of ur life where as in childhood, holding a walking cockroach and putting it in ur mouth was not as disgusting or heart breaking...:) shit i dont know wat i am writing... my mom sitting next to me... and i dont want her to read any of this... may be one day i will definitely share with her this...:) love her...

Waqt-e- Namaz!

Azaan bhi kya cheez hai... Insaan ko hiladeti hai... apni jegah se:P (Love u God on my way! Have loads to discuss:)

Empty Mind, should never be left on its own devises!

If i really made up my mind to read all the great work there is... and take all the time to finish one before dismissing it... i will need exactly eternity... :P and since i beleive i have it for myself... and wat will i do with all that time...i wish i had a system devised where i cud scan it all in my mind and let my mind produce a copy one after another so i cud never be bored...i dont care of the dramas and real pain... but boredom and empty mind left on its own devises can play a havoc with me.

Sometimes when i listen to myself talking to you... i then feel more understanding of her and what she did when she made that call... we are frustrated by what u did and how things are... and we dont know how to get ourselves out of u nor back with u...

and i cannot in that moment decide why i shud deserve to be with u more then her or expect from u wat she cudnt get...

Though i know a lot of her choices were wrong in terms of dealing with u ... but a lot of ur choice were wrong too and so were mine... and if we all are wrong then why anyone of us think we dont deserve wat we have got ourselves into...

at times when i imagine me and u being happy and fulfilled in life while she struggles alone i cannot feel sorry and want to switch places... but when she comes and i find u both struggling and unhappy... while i myself not having a place to be... i dont know which of the two stories should really become the reality...

and then i try to imagine you and her soemhow making it happy together... and real happy or atleast enuf happy for u to never look back or wonder wat it cud be if u were with me... totally oblivion of me... then i am unsure who to place myself with... for i know... the way i was with u... i am with u... i cant be with anyone... how can i find another u for me...if only i cud i wud surely be able to do away with u... but noone but u... i used to think may be i can get myself hooked on to SK... but i know how u wud label me... my love was sellable...

it was u who wronged me... all the way it was u... but how easily u make me feel bad by telling it was me who didnt know a thing abt being true and loving u...

i know i know... i can bet over ur and my life... never will u be able to say this one thing abt me...

"she didnt love me right... and she wasnt there when i needed her the most"... cuz u wud have to be a man without a heart to be able to say it... and i know whether u have anything or not u do have a twisted, but beautiful heart... the heart that made me fall in love with u... the heart that i made my home the day i laid my eyes on u and heard u smile...:) and the heart i vowed to protect till the end of my life... and i am still true to that promise... for isn't this ordeal to weaken my resolve...

sometimes i feel may be i will one day back down... sometimes i feel i am being asked by God to back down, to give up to let go... and sometimes i feel it is ok to back down.. and so i feel may be i will... but my heart can marry someone but that u will ever be out of my heart... that i wudnt care wat happens to u... or if u r ok.... someone has to kill me to stop me from that... even my hubby... will know that when its u in question even he cannot say a word... now where will i find that hubby... not sure... and wonder why he will want to deal with me... only if God has a plan... then well miracles can always happen... cant they...but why wud i need someone to be with me when its u i wanted there more then anyone...but then future will unfold it... juts like one of those novels u read... is it ok to feel happy to see my life was a real love story too...:) at times i am more happy to have a love story then to know whether i got u in the end or not... for love is imp... not the ending...

Time to Go!

i want to run away...:) to a place where i cud be i dont know... some thoughts are like an arrray of scenes u dont have words to really write them. glad for not having a good vocab gosh... wish i didnt know how to write the first sentence, its bad this moment, not even close the next...without knowing where to run ... running away can be a very stupid thing...may be its time for another trip or pill:( whchever does the work. Somewhere! here i come! (its a secret... wont even tell my parrents:) will call them to tell i am ok... dont worry abt me... and i love u more than life... but i needed this more than u .. :P dream it is for my mom will raise the sky on this one...

They wont be able to breathe until they cud see me on the skype... and know i am ok... and will remain so till the end of my life:) this is love too...

i want to do something exceptional... something i never dreamed of...wat is that one thing u did u never dreamed u wud do?

What to do? stuck so stuck

So i cannot make up my mind abt any one, but i need someone badly... i know that i love him, and need him... but that i cant have him, nor take him, nor will ever say all this to him again ever...at times i feel like i will go mad with this place i am... and these feelings which make me totally locked in his feel... at times i feel i just want to meet him once and hit him so hard and take out all my feelings, anger, pain and hurt, so i am empty of him and can again refill myself with someone anyone.. and be totally freed of him... even if he slaps and hits back(which i know he wont in million yrs:(... i dont care... i wish he had pained me so that my love for him wud have ended then and there but this sweet talk... makes me always look up to him, desire him want him ... i know everything he said to me was ,meaningless to him... but every word i said was wat i meant with all my heart... i know i wont stop living my truth even if it kills me... but now i want to be free of him so i cud let someone else in, since while he is there all man are non existing uninvited... undesired un needed... ... i wont let a man even come close before i am totally over him, the pain he gave me... i dont want to give to another soul... we think we are over someone until we let someone else in and then tell him we are in love with the one we cudnt have and then we kill the poor soul who came in for some love... he doesnt deserve to deal with our unresolved past...unless we are seeking future with him and only him... and for me... as long as he is part of me... i cant think of future with anyone else... for he is my present and he shall be my future...

is there a therapy i can take to free myself of him... if someone cud brainwash me... so i cud totally be able to remove every tiny memory that connects me to him...

at the school finally i was able to forget him in the kids i had forgotten even myself... but now vacations are starting and i know with time alone... he will come more strongly then he cud with my mind filled with kids and Gulab, which came like a blessing, and in caring for him i was finally hopeful i will be able to get over him completely... ppl around me bore me... with the stuff that hardly take my mind off... i wish if only i cud have gulab ( all for myself for 1. 5 months so i cud keep his thoughts from haunting and pinning me down to him..But Gulab may have other plans or even desires... and i am never going to make life hell for him, so may be the ordeal isnt over for me:( i dont know how and when it will... may be with the end of my life... but God please i need some happiness before that... i need some love before that... i maybe n my ill-faith may have asked u to give me only a moment of joy before i die... but i wasn't sure then that i cud ever have more... but i need more now... i want so much more of it... as one moment isn't enuf with him even this life is small too small even an eternity is small... so please consider my plea and unite us for an eternity if u can... for i will need him for that long... for always for ever... and ever...

this song today brought me closer to u... no wonder we shudnt listen to songs they make us feel emotional when we have almost got over it...:(

If i cud make a movie...

today the array of thoughts were amazing...:) sometimes my imagination goes really fascinating... i wonder if it cud be made into a movie it wud be a block buster for sure...:) and i wud be a millionaire in no time... :D money is never a problem if i set my mind to it... its just that if making money means i have to part with my essence... the deal is unacceptable to me...

i understand but i cant stop wishing:) i simply cant

Somethings our heart wants, or desires or awaits or is hooked up on, even when the mind so surely think its not possible and we shud just move on... and not pain ourselves so... but we simply cant stop...

sometimes the pain frustrates us, sometimes blinds us, sometimes make us cry and complain, and get mad, sometimes it just makes us want to get ourselves killed, but never does it leave us... nor we leave it...

And when i have these moments... yes moments only can be heavy on days and months... and that is why i am so glad i only have these momentarily phases where i am wore down to such a level that life almost ends for me...tomorrow is my B'Day:) will be 32... not afraid...of my age... nor the fact i wont always look this pretty... but i know we all have to face this devil and as long as i am loving someone, being loved by someone ... and understanding my purpose here is not just to vent on moving age, or cry for not being married or with u... but its something much more grander then that so long ... i will not grow weary in my heart... but today i am really down...

tomorrow... i am going to have a party, we will cut the cake... for Gulab... and all those who want it to be their b'day... if i can make him smile once more my life will be so blessed...

i fail to make him smile...may be cuz i am too bothered just enjoying him...unable to do anything worried too much for making a bad scene...

tomorrow i will make up for today... tomorrow his smile will make me happy once again... and i will feel my young happy self...:)

i am only 32... i have 30 more yrs to go before old age may hit me... but sometimes even a day is like a million yrs...i wish i cud hate u... so may be i cud love someone else...:)

my teeth i will miss u... seriously was i that bad to u:(

Another name for me would be careless... the answer for all that i dont have or that i am losing one after another:) dont tell mom but i guess i might need to see the dentist again:P and i dont know how to break this news to her... we were there last week... no she wont kill me... she is too soft for that, but she might do something that i will regret even more :) so either i will live with this or get it solved alone...she doesn't need to know everything anyways:)

I hate working for Money:(

Took me half hour but my kitchen is viewable again..:) there is still a heap of displaced clothes lying on my table...and i keep delaying wishing as by miracle they will be in their places...

i am a procrastinator of a high level, especially when it comes to organizing my drawers and cleaning my room and placing the clothes in its right place... i wonder if i had a servant, who wud come after me, and as i wud change wud take the worn one, and go away... until i need them again.. and then i wud find them laundered ironed and hanging... for me to take them out and flaunt away...:) but alas no such perks for me... may be one day...

i wasnt born in a palace no... but i had been pampered by my mom, who always thought it was best to do my work for me...being an only girl helps... and now though she regrets her mistake, still unable to do a thing, i find it all part of the plan... part of how my life was to be...

its not just my folks, i am a very imp figure in whole of my nanyal being the most influencial woman...the only sister of so many brothers and cousin brothers... and also unmarried. If i had been married, they wud still had pretty much forgotten abt me...but being still around, with no one to make decisions for her but her ownself.. they sort of always be on guard to help me or make sure i am not in a potential danger, devising plans to get me tie the knot, using all kind of strategies, from manipulation, to sweet talk, to anger, to being disappointed to being dont care...but deep down one thing they can never avoid showing... great love for me...

so when my brother asked me whats going on in my life, which i feel is an very iunsulting question... juts because i am not married with kids, doesnt make my life less of a life then urs. do i ever ask hows life going? so i answered, hoping to get them feel better abt me... telling them i got so many kids in my life, volunteering at a school and enjoying it big time... i thought being of use will help them get less worried abt me... my bro and bhabi did the ooh aahs and then there was another question... wat abt a job? are u goping to think abt it? and i was like... no i havent... nor i think i wud want to...

i have not given up of my previous job to get back in the same devil again... i know money matters but not that i am ever going to resume working under someone...

and suddenly i felt as if i was obliged to work and earn for myself...and the stress suddenly started coming... and with that came my feeling of being useless... no matter if i die for a cause, but if i am not in a job getting paid or in a business making money... i am a taboo...:(

when i adamantly said i havent thought abt it not i feel i want to.. my bro turned to his wife in a disapproving way... my sister! and i had to gulp down some of the pieces of my broken heart, and my face had lost its vitality... i tried to control my anger... wondering juts cuZ i am not earning makes me less of a sister?

i understand u are thinking how will i survive? but isnt thats for me to think... i am not on roads and i am not spending a fortune...

i have got an MBA and i had been working for ten yrs... doing nothing... but earning a fortune... now i want to do something even if it doesnt pay me anything...

unless i find a balance where i can take the money... while also feeling internally happy... but its still time for that... if money wasnt attached with being limited, controlled and stressed and unworthy, and pathetic and caged and little minds... i wud have gladly accepted it... but that is all wat comes when i think of it... prove me wrong.

Doubts

things that are meant to be, they happen anyways, whether u go for them or u dont, or its u who make them happen, with a consious effort as if u asking for it made them happen?

if they will be given paradise for bringing in their heart even a raai of love of ahlebait, wat is their heart filled with for the rest, hatred for them, in that case wont the raai of hate make it hard for them to enter heaven?

if marriages are to be done of the ppl with same faith why some of the marriages of similar faith fail and of dissimilar faith turns out wonderful.

are all woman made from the ribs of their man. then wat abt those who are single, and never marry or marry and are divorced?

If nikahs of only a momin are real, then why so many non bohris, are good at keeping vows, where as momin arent.

Why is that i love a kid who isnt a bohri, with a devotion, which i never felt for a bohri kid? so much that if i had to let go of having a kid of mine, i wudnt regret?
what is that i experience for him, since he isnt a family nor even of the same faith? i do know my feelings for him are pure and heart felt, and unexplainable and a choice to consider and make dear to my heart.

why i feel more generous and well mannered and honest and dependable and humble ppl outside dawwodi bohra then in bohras, or is it, that compared to the rest of the world, bohra population is way small and as i am only lucky to see the best of outsiders, its more of a wrong statistic.

Why Salman khan seems close to my heart, what am i to learn abt myself and my weaknesses from him, and same goes for Abbas

If F and A don't feel good without each other, why they find living together an impossible deal, even when they both know they will not be able to tie knots with anyone else too and wat have i to learn abt my weaknesses from both of them. why was i involved in their life, when i easily cud have missed it, why fate borught us together. wat relationship i share with him? why i am uneasy leaving him out of my heart and having someone else as a life partner, when its so obvious a lot in us doesn't click.

Is my fear of sex and inability to like it something of a spiritual problem?

Is my fear of my husband to have feelings for other more then me a fear which comes from a spiritual weakness or its valid fear.

Two of my worst nightmares came true, does that mean the rest will come true too?

Those who dont have maula as the most trusted source of support and healing and guidance, what guidance is available to those who dont have maula, and hel them find lasting peace of mind?

I dont regret not listening to anyone or do as they say, but maula, does it mean i have a spiritual problem, which arises from my sins, and not something to feel proud and ok about?

Will list more when i get them:)

Gulab!

Spotted him instantly like a rose in flowers, stood out to my eyes like no other and i was hooked to him.

He is someones son, and sibbling, but for me he is God send for me to love and protect.

Such is a pleasure to watch him that i find behanas to go to his class juts to catch a glimpse and my heart misses a beat when i dont see him there.

Not to mention my only reason to come to school is to catch a glimpse of him, and like a knight protect him from any mishap, which cud ensure his soft and beautiful heart to get a dent, which can change him into one like them...

I dont remember to pray for him, wondering if these feelings make any sense. And if God really approves of all this.

But this once i am not going to let any reason make me want to keep my heart from letting the love show even if every one else freaks out. As long as i dont make him uncomfortable.

So when i spotted him today, well i went to search for him:) i know guilty of that and will always be, i found him standing alone, watching with mixed emotions kids all around him trying may be to stay out of trouble or getting a blow, which kids usually in fun can give him, and he being such a delicate baby, formost fears being hurt physically.

He saw me, and though i wanted to wave excitingly, which is something i never ever do... i wonder why, for me placid joy in watching him from far without stirring anything, that he himself dont want to change, is it. I dont beleive in display of my deep emotions by using gestures which cannot jutify my feelings and thoughts not dont come naturally, and from within...

I didnt had a reason to follow him or wave to him, and no subject for me to have a talk. I didnt wanted to be that one obsessed woman. But isnt that wat i am. only that i am not in anyway wanting to capture him, juts to protect him, and more of the substance and heart and soul that enbeds in this body, none the less, his innocent face and every part is dear to me like my own flesh and blood.

I love him. and i wish to always.

But who knows in later years i will find this love dying as it has for that one girl, i believe i liked in school times, and now i dont have any feelings for her at all.

But with her it was different. Although i found my heart tugged to her, the sensation was very different then now.

May be with time and as my faith has improved, i have learned to love with more meaning and worth and sensibility.

But this kid knows nothing abt this. Although he is small, and not really told in particular how to behave and wat to think or do ... he does have a mind which takes clue from his encironment, keeps himself away from harm, even the slightest, finds the most harmless pleasures to be the only reason to please him and i find in him a glimpse of may be wat i was.

Someone who was always busy in her own thoughts and world. someone who was way to sensitve for being labelled or punished, who felt that the world is out to get u and to stay from trouble u need to be as innocent as possible... something which gave me a lot of pain, but was worth it. and although i never came across a person who was there just to understand and be there...i wish to be there for him.

Who knows there was a kind soul too who was looking for me, who i never cud understand or entrust myself on. Yet one who never got tired watching over me. But hey if i think i am so kind and so watch ful, why i beleive the creator wont be.

so i pray that as long as i am around the school, able to be around him, i am always there to help him from any potential danger that is harmful to his happiness and self esteem, and peace:) Yes Allah Peace, for ii wud always want him to find a reason to smile, and be grateful and happy and remain to be his innocent self. :)

Ameen

paraya kerdiya hai itna... k ab humko woh hansna woh mazaq, woh daant woh maar woh pyar, woh roothna, woh manana, woh qasmein khana woh wadey kerna, woh maafi mangna, woh maaf kerna kuch bhi apna sa nahi legta...humse mazaq kertey kertey keb najanay tum ne hamein ik mazaq benadia...ya shayad tum hi ik mazaq they jisey humne zindagi ka sub se khoobsurat ahsaas samajh liya...galti hamari hi hogi:) shikwa phir tume se kesa...tum ne to sirf hansi di, aaansoo to meney khud likhey jo ab ja ker bilkul kahtam hogayey hain...aaj mein tumharey gham se azad hoon... kal shayad tum se bhi. aur phir shayad is jehan se:)

Meney keb chaha tha k tumhari zindagi mein aaoon, mein to sirf dosti kerney aai thi, mein to sirf pyar kerney aur paney aai thi... mujhey kya khabar thi tum apney hissay kla pyar ker k ussey bezar bhi hogeyey hogay, uski aisi shakal dekhchukey hogey, jis ki wejah se ussey derney legey hogay. meney to pyar ka sirf khubsurat chehra hi dekha tha, meney to sirf pyar mein khoney aur us mein amar hona seekha tha, meney to sirf aetebarr or toot k pyar kerna chaha tha, meney to sirf pyar mein deewana hona seekha tha... pyar mein udaas, be qerar, behis, gham se nidhal, behosh or pamal hona to tum ne sikhaya, pyar ko ik rog or ik mehnga shauq to tum ne saabit kiya...pyar itna mehnga, aur jaan leva nahi hai... yeh jaan deta hai, yeh zindagi deta hai, yeh sukoon deta hai, yeh taskeen deyta hai, yeh khushi deta hai...

yeh woh nahi deta jo tumney diya aur liya... tum ne pyar bhi kiya, aur dil bhi tora.

Allah! The Love that never Dies, but only Strengthenss!

Worries end where faith begins!

If you ask, ask Allah and if you seek help, seek help from Allah.
- Muhammad (salAllahu alayhi wasalam)
[at-Tirmidhi, Ahmad]

Do to me, O Allah, what is worthy of Thee; And not what is worthy of me.
- Saadi al-Shiraz

"Verily, after hardship there is relief".
- Quran

When the world says "Give up", Hope whispers "Try one more time".

Whoever desires to purify his heart,
then let him prefer Allah to his desires
- Ibn al-Qayyim

Come, come, whoever you are.
Wanderer, Worshipper, lover of leaving.
It doesn’t matter.
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times.
Come, yet again, come, come.
- Rumi

A calamity that makes you turn to Allah is better for you than a blessing which makes you forget the remembrance of Allah.
- Shaykh Ibn Taymiyyah

If you make intense supplication and the timing of the answer is delayed, do not despair of it. His reply to you is guaranteed; but in the way He chooses, not the way you choose, and at the moment He desires, not the moment you desire.
- Ibn Ata’Allah

“I will equip you with three words, then you must leave me to face what I am facing. Be the farthest of people from those things you have been forbidden, and be the most involved of people in the good you have been commanded to do; and know that the steps you take are two steps: a step in your favour and a step against you, so be careful where you come and where you go.”
- Al-Hasan Al-Basrî- Abû Na’yam, Hilyah Al-Awliyâ` 2:154

If you do not work hard and face difficulties along your way in seeking glory, you will never taste honor and relief when you attain victory.
- Ibnul Qayyim

Love does get Lost

i sometimes imagine you calling me and the conversation it would be.

It goes something like

You: hi ....

Me: Hi!

You: How are you

Me: good you

Y: i am good too.

and pause

i awaiting you to say something in your justifcation to take the pain and hurt and disappointment away

and you in a hope that i will say something which will end the drifts and distances between us collapse...

deep down we both know the drift is so long and deep and huge that unless we are madly deeply in love only then we can help it melt away.

and then i ask to myself Are we?

and there is but silence

I vowed somewhere in the middle to never stop loving you and ever replacing your pic with someone else... to never be so away and thoughtless as to not have a thought of u ... and so forth i have been successful... people come and go like waves, and i in a moment am filled in awe of what i am seeing and feeling but they all leave for the shores they are meant for... and i am left with a sense of lovelessness as i feel you not making my heart beat like you used to...that i dont even feel i will jump when i will see you in person... that i wont even feel like my breath is coming in gasps... or that i will feel a sudden rush of passion to make me run into your arms like i have reunited with myself after we were painfully kept away from eachother against our wills and time and world couldnt keep us away any further...

Cuz in this moment my heart is filled with ideas, words, thoughts, and beauty of another kind, one that i thought i never would have imagined with you on my mind 24/ 7.

now that as if i was asked to make other things my centre of attention, i am fearfully understanding that i was wrong when i said nothing in this world made me feel more good than being by your side...

I don't think it will be true... and i cant even say, that i miss being held by you or kissed or talked tenderly more then i enjoy being around the kids, wanting them to dream, create and build a life which soar them to everything they set their eyes on...without ever have to face what you and i faced.... the devil of low self esteem...

I Love you... but not like i used to ...

Mujh se pehli si mohabbat merey mehboob na maang...:(

and since i cant give you that, i wonder why you would want to ever be with me? what for?

Favors!

ppl ask me favors once in a while, and some of them i find like opportunities wondering if they shud be thanking me or i thanking them...and some i have a hard time living up... i take my songs with me or musing thoughts, so that my face doesn't show my boredom, and i avoid making eye contact because i am such a loser when it comes to hiding emotions:) yet they persist and then they dont like wat they see.

Karachi - We couldn't do justice to you...

long drive, a delicious barb que served by a tom cruise look alike waiter topped with the velvet sand, the salty breeze, the placid moonlight and the roaring ocean waves, make me wonder if its the same city that is burning with terroristic attack claiming lives every now and then... and the reply is yes..the fear of death can not keep the spirit of this city die...Khi my city i wish u well:)

the feeling of passionate lovemaking ...

I wonder why some married woman cant appreciate marriage, when they have someone to have sex with all the time...:) isnt that just the best part of being married... to be glued to your better half even if its like once a day that memory alone could make everything feel like a fast forward movie until you are united again...

If i was one of you... my smiles and excitement would know no end no matter how many days and years pass away... the thought of it would weaken my knees take away my stresses and make me all ready for love... no matter what else shitty going around as i would feel myself lost in him and the ectasy i would be in...

and i would never want that feeling to ever leave... ever...:) no matter how old i get to be...

Yet when i see a couple oblivion of the existence of each other or at least not feeling the passion i wonder, how can they not feel anything... i know they are in public you cannot really show it all.. but then if those in affair can do it... i dont think that excuse is really valid... Does love or that fire really end after having it ... or is it they are not doing it right? not the way its meant to be.

God! Allah! My Lord, My Pride, My everything

i tug to god sometimes in absentmindedness and he turns to me... but i dont remember wat i was abt to say or sometimes when something fills me up and words just can do justice so we smile to each other instead... i just love having Him around...:) and wow he never fails me... neverrrrrrr

More Vocab NOOOOOOOOO:(

so arent they really words, that google prompts us to get right when we try to subscribe to something...cuz the last one read "oxylout" and i thot it means without oxygen:P wat if they were words ... no please... i dont want more vocab ... i wish all the memory of words diminishes, and words around me all seem like lines and circles... so i dont get more ideas

How to Stop Myself

I can close my eyes so i dont see further dont seek further...and cant be lured or distracted...or close myself behind lockers where the only thing i can see is walls black in color and a floor, with no window... but with so much of what my mind already contains, the words i know, the pics i have seen, the voices i have heard, the mind that doesn't know how to sleep or rest, i will not be able to contain myself as the will to break free will either make me break the walls or bleed myself to death if they cannot be broken down.

your love doesn't seem to do the trick either...But He, May be its time i seek him and ask him how to really stop myself from being led astray, if that is what i am being?

No words! After this...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered, Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives, Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies, Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people will cheat you,
Be kind and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, people may destroy overnight, Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous, Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people may forget tomorrow, Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough, Give the world the best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, It's all between you and God, It was never between you and them anyway

Temptations....

Its hard and its sad, when temptations come as the most natural urge...and you don't understand how u can go against your own nature...and desires... and the worst it when u sulk when u try to avoid it for the fear what if it really is just a temptation to turn you into that which you wanted to avoid and hate being when u started this journey and what if it takes you away from that goal which as a kid you held close...

what harm i feel it cud be to dress like them and let myself lose and feel the freeness of the feeling, that feeling my skin and body could use to regain its color which it lost trying to pin myself down when all i wanted was to fly...

but i know not. For a girl i protected and the soul i protected to be endangered with what lies beyond that freeness is what has made me keep myself closed behind doors and in veils.

If you could life the veils to find the me and love what you saw in there and cherish me for all i am and offer you, wouldn't i be then truly be saved...

But the in see all those unveiled beauties around me enticing you... and as i see you drifted in them i feel nothing else but a desire to wrap myself again, for i only showed myself to you with a hope it was you i was born from, it was you i was to please with my beingness and it was me who only could hold your heart and mind and soul. But it wasn't true... and as i walk out of your life, with a hope may be you will realize...your not coming after me made it clear, my veil came off for a man, not meant for me.

I am juts glad i didn't show more of me, or who knows i would have had with it lost my faith and Gods faith in me too.

I thought love is all abt giving it to someone, but when you give it to someone who isnt born for it, or to deserve it... it all seems like a waste.

As time passes my hope to find a better you walks out with it...making it even harder for me to protect reasons which would make it possible to take you back if you ever chose to return.

Return would you? For what?

to find solace at the end of a tiring journey which you took as u ran after your dreams and desires, and which never gave you them, or even after giving you couldn't offer you any solace or peace.

To find me, which is well as unlikely as you being sinless.

To find yourself, which is likely, as i do believe i have you held in my heart like no one else does, and to find that you you shall need to come back and claim the place which may have refused all the rest when they tried filling the same spot, and it is after so many years still awaiting you.

I wonder how change i will be as a person when that will happen. Will i be that lovestruck girl, who clinged to you like a lifeline, like an oxygen mask, like a stream of life, like a moment of joy, like a dream come true...jerking on your calls, sighing to hear from you when it was highly unlikely, waking up in the night with a jerk...crying hot tears, as she clenched the pillow wetting it, wondering how could someone make her feel this way, and long for your touch... t held by you once again

or a woman, who had grown stronger and more stable in these years, losing that vitality of youth which could make those things possible, for her to lay down at your feet on your one gesture, leaving everything behind her just to receive one gesture that wud set her free and make her glow and bring her to life.

I don't know but i wish by a miracle some of it was preserved and wud remain so for as long as i and u are in this physical world and beyond.

Love making, Life making:)

so why having sex is not enough... i mean why it shudnt be the only thing u need?

May be cuz the female V card is like something she gives u witha hope of commitment and when u cant give her that she is left with a pain she cannot handle which blinds her and almost deceases her.

So if you really cannot do her justice and have no such intention too atleast by any means even if she is herself unprepared leave her with a kid, so that she has a reason to survive by taking care of her... and it wud be ideal if you have done her so much that the idea of being with you or having anything like sex makes her scream and run away so that she could live happily ever after...

i never thought the movies and novels of undying love and commitment of a man and woman were only fantasies when i came into this world. Watching my parrents together struggling to keep morsel on our mouths... i wondered why they were so bored with life and didnt even as much as hugged each other, when they had the freedom and opportunity to do that, why they cudnt see eye to eye with anything and why my father liked being glue to tv more then mom... and all i cud think of was to cuddle with someone who i cud love till i wud pass out...

being a virgin for so long and having a close meeting with someone who i feel was a man i cud want... i now feel, its like a curse placed on marriages and its ofcourse a sin to have sex without marriage... so if anyone wants a life full of love and sex and happiness and pleasure and beauty whats his her best bet...

as both of these places have their own devils ... but then i understand... its after all the devil that makes none of the situation a win win... but with faith and desire of love you can give him a hard time and turn the tables ... but we are getting limited ... beleivers...or getting weak ...

My favorite fantasy is that if ectasy... and me staying there for eternity...:)

lifeline is it?

So we may argue we need food water air for survival but he is to me the lifeline... that one reason that keeps me holding on to life...

and those small moment of pleasure which i land and get addicted to... so much is my desire to be always fulfilled ... without you around and not wanting to crave for u and make these moments pain-filled... i rely on these lifelines...

i wonder where u get yours from? but i am sure we all do have them and get them and cling to them...for we cannot die before we are destined to...

i may be doing something very right somewhere but it still doesn't take care of the wrong i am doing somewhere, hence this