Since i was a child i always felt out of place almost every where...there was an urge to withdraw myself back to my own sphere back... and though at times i feared this tendency of mine, now i have accepted and start respecting this as a very integral quality of me, and my need to feel at home with someone and find a home is eternal...:)
When i was growing up, doing errands reluctantly sometimes... i felt a voice in my head telling me... soon you shall be in your own home. yes a home of my own... and not my moms... i was 15 may be... but then another voice wud make me feel guilty for not feeling at home and involved in the place i was, my parrents... but the need to be in my home still haunted and tempted me, a husband to love me and a friend to understand and talk to me things my parrents , brothers and sisters cudnt.
so my first crush... but it wasnt emant to be my home... and one day when i did get the guts to talk with him i realised he didnt feel like home too... i was not at home .... i felt disappointed... how cud i not feel home with him...and yet i knew he wansnt the one... and then i found someone again... someone more sweeter, more close... and though i loved being around him... i still cudnt really feel at home...nor invited...
and then i finally was after a conversation totally sure he wasnt my home either...
then i luckily one day got a ph call from you... and as i talked and listend i felt something stir in me... and i felt a need to know u better to get more close... and then we came really close so close that we hugged and kissed and cuddled... and guess wat...as u hugged me... i felt i was at home... my home... i cudnt me more happier... but even u still didnt invite me to your own home... u did allow me in ur heart... but still not in your life... and i didnt mind cuz wat i really wanted was to be home... and i realised ur heart was my home...as i felt filled up with u... i knew you were my home... now i am torn once again from you... though i know i am there to stay in ur heart for ever...i cant stop wondering wat if even being with you i still dont feel at home.. though i know as long as i am in ur heart and u in mine... i am home... i still dont know if thats wat my real home is and then i see a lot of couples busy in life having everything they wanted , yet one day sitting alone i spot them thinking as if they are still searching ... for wat... a home... a place where their heart is and will stay forever... and then i realise... wat that real home is... its in the rememberance of you my lord... its in remeberence of u... a place where i take refuge when i feel lost, unsure... incomplete, scared, hurt... and even wasted... i rememeber u and in an isntant i feel home... and so i know... no matter how many refuges we find in this world... our heart still will get wearied after a while and will want to be home... and thats what your embrace is...
God you are my home... to return to you is where i will finally be home... no matter how many homes i change... how many hearts i live... yours is the one i will surely want to be back... and so i shall be homeless until i die..:)
but other then that eternal home, wat i really miss is a home which is in my beloveds arms... so let me have that home now... as i feel i need a refuge once again..:)
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