What happens when u do wat u feel right and it comes out wrong!

So today i have been thinking, after i did something right... but that looks a bit wrong... infact its just as wrong as its right...

but the fact it may be wrong and shudnt have happened makes me wonder why the urge was so bad to do it... and when its all done... this thinking... when it can make no real difference...

I am writing this here so that it can help me understand wat happened today and wat i beleive may happen ample of more times in future...what it takes away from me and what it grants me...

I have always heard good things abt me from people who love me. I know they may be just being sweet and dont want to hurt me... so they may not speak the whole truth.

But my heart and conscience is always on the job... sometimes early sometimes late, sometimes when they dont need to say anything they blame me too criticize nag and make me hate myself so at times i really want these voices to leave me alone ...

So wat i did today and yesterday and i beleive i will keep doing until i dont get a clear signal saying "enough".... and then i will get even more uneasy...

(Speaking my mind and someone stopping me from doing it makes me do that)

Like seriously i have an issue i need to get help with and the fact its not as simple as having a physical problem... when u have a spiritual or deep mental problem... there are no real solutions...

Like do u know a pill for controlling anger. Or getting tears back into the eyes and be replaced by a smile. OR do u have a medication for turning bad thoughts into good ones... or hatred for someone into love or love for someone into indifference...or a pill to forget an incident that happened in your past... just that incident keeping everything else intact... Or a pill to know instantly wats the right thing to do that will get u the right result, that will get u wat u desire... and the wrong thing that will only get u and trouble so u can choose well...

I know some pills available, one are to relax you and make u sleep. it does something to your mind, it lightens u and drugs u so u dont have any intense thoughts that make keep u awake... basically it kills ur mind just as alcohol wud... making ur forget ur guilts and regrets too along with things that make u worry ... and drs call them medication.... a medication that makes u forget u killed a man and u need to worry or regret it... instead get u a drug that gets u help forget it... so that u may sleep well in the night and be fresh for work the next day...

So the natural process of one feeling guilty is killed... ur conscience is killed and u feel better...

i wud definitely like a pill that wud stop you from doing a sin... why rely heavily on God forgiveness, why not do something that wud stop us from doing sins only so we dont have to worry if God will forgive us or not... and what if he doesnt?

Like a wall between us and the sin so that we may be all good.

But since that's not a possibility... we have to live with the way things are...

Wit no pill for anger... and no vent out that takes it out without hurting us or anyone so wat happens is... we get angry and we hurt... ourselves and others... its a never ending chain... cuz when someone is hurt he is bound to be angry too... i used to think i am good... i dont react and say bad things to anyone... they think i have forgiven them forgotten it... let go... Have i.....


Noooooooooooooo!!!!!! :)

I didnt say anything but that doesnt mean i am ok with it...

so what i have to do... sometimes pile it up, sometimes get it out on myself... hating myself or my life... and everyone... taking it out on God... well that was OK... cuz i know he has a big heart and he can deal with it without getting angry or hurt... but sometimes its hard to keep it to God... it comes out o ppl... like ur chums and ur parrents or anyone u can get hands on...who is someone who is there to listen

or

crying terribly alone... and then wat... the dent is made ... and it will move with us... grow with us... cuz its not healed yet... why not... cuz we never tried healing it... all we did was push it down ... down down ... and its out of memory... cuz its pretty deep and lost... almost like those clothes we push into the attic since we cant use them... or do anything abt them... and wat happens... one day we accidently get knocked down by them... and they come tumbling up... creating havoc...making us uneasy and just as angry as we were when it happened...

So whats the solution...

And worse is when u know... the person who its related to... everytime u will see his face those angers will come up...and all u wud wnat is keep avoiding them... but how will u learn to be in relations when so much anger and pain and hurt is part of it...

I know... i understand... but he makes me so angry... and if i dont speak the truth wont it just be a cowardly thing... i need to speak my mind with him/ her she / he must know wat it feels like...

yes... sure... u must let know wat wrong they did to u... so that they never do it again... never even think... yes

and then u say it all out... and there u hear the cracking just after its said ... relationships are cracked hearts are cracked... and that night tears fall from eyes... and i wnat to know are they meaningless tears or they are honest, sincere... helpless tears, that cant change a thing ... and make it beautiful loving and worth living...

why was i to ever be in this situation... to be in love and yet have so much anger in me... and when it comes to chose one and leave the other i cant leave any ... cant stop loiving ... cant stop being angry ... cant forgive cant forget ...

how long can i be in this like this... why cant i just delete it... out of my memory and heart... and breathe normally...

why is it such a hard thing... wats making it such a hard thing... that one promise

and wat i will keep saying will only sound this ... i Hate you and dont want to see ur face again... when all i need u to hear is... i wish u were mine... i wish we were together and i wish there wasnt anything in u that i wud ever hate ... and that i wish u cud know all i mean is for me and u to have the most beautiful life... and i wish that life starts as soon as it can... and i wish i never dount u or take u for granted... nor u do that...


so wat it really is like now is u are not mine, we are not together, theres a lot in u that i cannot stand and i hate, and me and u are not having a beautiful life and its not seeming to start soon either... and u doubt me and take me for granted and so do i....

and yet i am not able to let it go... let you go...i cant let you go... but i must now forget u...must change my focus from you to where?


have u ever considered changing ur qibla from kaaba to somewhere else... wat if u were asked to, and u werent told where the new location is... wud it be easy for u to pray in all direction anticipating may be one of those directions will be the intented one, imagine how difficult that wud be... it seems everyone is asking me to do just that ... even u... and it feels cruel

wudnt u then rather keep praying to the qibla until the location was confirmed...thats wat i am doing... but i am already wavered in my mind...:(

tell me atleast where to and i will and if u cant atleast let me do this for as long as i live.


Allow me... and ensure me i am on the right track!

God i am talking to you!:( i dont think there is anyone else who ever knew the answers anyways!