Up to something!

So when he told me you write really well but u write a lot... and it gets confusing...

i realised he has a point...

Yes Ateequay! i acknowledge this comment of u...

love u bro!:D

Acha i will try... but no its not possible... u dont know how it is for me... i dont have ur soul ur mind and ur heart in me... so its really not easy for me to work as u or anyone of u want me to work...

this heart this soul and this brain that i am stuck with has a tune of its own... a destiny of its own... and its exilerating to boring to dangerous.
And only i can bear all that... and if u cant... i totally understand and am cool with it...

I will try being how u want to be... but i know its going to take some yrs probably an eternity who knows... and if we are going to stuck for that long u may end up seeing some good changes..:P

With that i am going to tell u wat i did...

you guys are my chums one i can tell a secret and know i can survive without having to deal with nasty repurcussions...

I imagine if i tell the same things to:

1- Hasan a friend who is lost and unsure... he loves me... or desires me i dont know... but wat ever he does makes me feel he is creepy... like u know u need to keep ur mouth shut... so yesterday when i was sad and at the verge to talk and may be get help... i pinged him... and he came up with the question wats on ur mind ... that question got me on red alert... he wanst to get inside my ehad and mess with my already messed head... and i told him are u using some mind techniques on me... and he was like no... it was a simple question and i told... it doesnt seem like that... and i was zipped didnt utter a word... as to wat i would have liked to discuss... and as much as it hurts me to be so secretive it hurts me to know i have no choice but to keep to myself... and deal with it all alone... cuz ppl are so stupid... or dangerous!

2- Murtu - he is someone i met online... who again wanted to marry me... or atleast that was all he wanted me to succumb to... and then luckily he got married... and i was thank God... i am saved... and he still wants me to get hooked ofcourse... they all are concerned... but it was sad when i asked i am not sure who and he proposed himself... wat thats the crapiest thing u can say... i so wish he was joking ... but the silence makes me have doubts... but why? u are married now dude... and i wish u were not allowed to talk to girls, but ur wife... but that cant be the case i know... so atleast learn to know wat marriage means... it doesnt mean u can back off... once the decision is made...so to get help from him... is like getting urself bitten by a snake... ok i forgive him... but i know if this continues... i will say soemthing so horrible that he will start to hate himself... and me ofcourse...

3- Mom and Dad... if i tell them wat i am thinking... Dad will be angry and then quiet... mom wud try to be understanding on the outside and worrying like hell on the inside... fearing and calling one of her aids to come for the rescue... meri bachi ka kuch kero...:D

4- Bros... elder bro never mind... i wud rather not even think of something like that around him... younger one... will get worried... middle one... will worry on the inside or probably want to thrash me around so that i stop thinking on these lines on the top he will be go ahead... i have no issue upto u... u know i love u... yes i know sweets... thats the trouble i wish i wasnt loved so much... that it hurts me and u...:)

5- Hina my only female friend... kya ... dimagh kheraab hai... klya scohcti ho... hain na... i know... dimagh hona hi nahi chahiye... :)

6- Reh gayey kon... Blogger... Possible reactions...:D Silence... go ahead... understanding, positive... supportive... not as worrisome as my family and freinds... right?

So wat i am abt to do is... i had this absolutely beautiful diary which i got from india... for myself...:D and i thought i wud like some heart prayers in it... to help me in my moments... and so i started writing... just wrote one page and then it was lying there...

now i am thinking to meet Salman khan since a few months now... and i feel until i wont... mujhey chain nahi aayega... so i was thinking wat cud be the way...

i thought may be ill write him letters... and rather then writing just one letter i will write hi a chain of letters so he doesnt forget or can push me aside...

but that never happen... i did wrote them but didnt know if they were worth sending out...

but suddenly i got this urge to do soemthing... and so i wrote one more... trying to be as precise and to the point and sensible as i cud... and i was happy with the out come... i wrote it in notepad... and then i thought may be i shud use that diary and write it on that... this way... he may like it better... and the fact i am really not going to invest on him more... and dont even know a better letter wrting technique it made sense so now the diary with the written letter is ready...

and i am desiring to post it... i have his address but dont know if its the right one...

i fear if it wud reach him or not... if he will get it or his PA and wat if he simply throws it out ...

and the fact i may never know abt it... whether he got it and ignored or never got it... makes me wonder how to ensure he gets it... i am going to tCS it... and ask them how can they ensure if a letter gets to the recipient and that whether it is he who gets it and not some tom dick and harry..

second... i dont know where the nearest TCS is... and the fact i cant take any of my family with me... as they will get to know wat i am upto and i dont want questioning eyes... and looks... and objections... i want to do it... wiothout anyone who is a threat to this to know abt this...:)

I am 32 yrs old... do i sound like that... may be not... but may be cuz i acted 80 yrs old when i was 16 so i have a right to act 16 yrs when i am 32...

I don't have a problem