Read it but dont judge dont care, dont think and dont remember
For this alone never defines me, but a phase and a moment i was in... broken and believing all at once
amir... if this is the real u... please i wud like to work with you on one of ur films... i can come to india...
kids make me laugh juts like ur interviews... but as soon as they are over the smile vanishes.... i know among so many ppl.... u dont really need to give me a chance cuz a thousands deserve it more than me... but i need it... juts once my family though donot deserve to go through my pain .they want quick fixes and i never believe in them... i beleive in fighting for something till my last breath...cuz i know and believe... even when everyone else dont...
u live my dreams by making movies like tare zameeen per, and following ur heart... and never quitting in what u truly beleive in ur heart... u give me that faith that life isnt always abt getting and results but abt living ur best bet and not regretting. so here i am asking u to give me a chance to work side by side... i am a good singer... i can dance... though i cannot come in movies but i wud like to have a dance with u and madhuri and salman and shahrukh :) its my wish to meet u, shahrukh, salman khan and madhuri... i love the rest as much but u ppl have a special place...and it will be like a big dream come true... god bless u...
may u always keep beleiving in the power of love, allah and keep bringing smiles and hopes in the heart of many ... i do belive life has no guarantee... and though i still feel there are years to live... i may not stay as young and vibrant as i am now... so i wnat this to happen sooner then later...
love and best wishes... Love
u know... i have lost my only dream... and with it the will to survive... but i know i cant die... cuz a lot of ppl life is dependant on me... may be if i work with you i get another spark to make me move through a few more days in peace ad happiness and vigor and enthusiasm... i ahve always been a very happy kid. but with him gone as if all my smiles and laughter and cheerfullness went away... i know its where he is... and they will return back with him... which i beleive he will he has to... in this life or next cuz i know deep down... i love him... but while he is away which can be may be forever... i wud like to give my mom, and nani my smiles... cuz they deserve it... they hate to see me lost... but i cant seem to find anything worth being happy abt and its hard to pretend around them...
his thoughts make me smile and cry and sometimes i feel i am going crazy... but i dont wnat to give up just now and lose this battle... cuz i know... allah is near to me he ;loves me and i am in this world to let ppl know he exists and he is more powerful and love is more powerful then anything..:)
.. and i want to make this for him... infact everything in my life is for him... he is lost too... and has lost faith ... i want to return it to him... cuz until he doesnt rest i cant...
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
ooooo i love this... now wont u guys scream along with me!
yESSSSSS! I am loving itttttt!:D
Yo!
cool boys where are u hidin?
OK Gals, if u r cool get on board! be Cool!
its ok to get a bit heavy once in a while... but then its time to chillll!!!!!
I can do without your love! but can't do without love!
But i cannot, will not, must not, hell not do without you!:)
thats the conclusion of today and a realization i wont be easily subsiding... why else u think i can deal with all that u have put me through!
.....
.....
....
side A ends here
Change side, stance thought!
Me: oh wait! stay here! dont go out!
He: why?
Me: you dont know but there are ppl to get u... and u must be protected...
He: oh really!
Me: yes ... dont ask all the questions now... just wait for a little time... pls...
you dont know how much u mean to this world... the more good u do ehre the more tough the going gets for u...and the more u r bound to be asked to leave the path of good... and the more u resist the more pain will come ur way... and the more pain u get will weaken ur resolve...
its rare that u can stand all that pain and still be as great and wonderful as u r...
now dont be too scared....
as long as u dont think too much of wats being said and feel its real u are still good.
He: then why did u tell me this...
Me: actually u r rite... i shudnt have... but then how will u know i care for u!:) and its ok to come to me when time is hard!
forget even this...
just know u r not alone! even if u r asked to think u r... dont heed that thought... as long as i am with u... u r not alone!:)
He: and how long are u going to be there...
Me: if i will ever leave i will leave a lot of prayers for u... that will keep u safe... and give u companion for ur loneliness...but for that to work... u will ahve to promise me or well not promise me... just know u shud always be doing the right thing...
my effectiveness will weaken as u will do and keep doing wrong!
as long as u do it with a good heart and honest self... u will eb able to find me ... or someone like me always!
now
i think its ok for u to go out...
smiles
He: hey wats ur name?
Me: Farida! they call me Farida!
He: nice meeting you Farida!
she with a smile keeping back those tears telling him dont forget me... for you are one of the best things that happened around here for me and i wud like to see more of every going day!
He not undertsanding that gesture... looks a bit at me... smiles harder and disappears in the crowd, in the life that awaits him!
She is on her own again!:) wondering wat to do next?
thats the conclusion of today and a realization i wont be easily subsiding... why else u think i can deal with all that u have put me through!
.....
.....
....
side A ends here
Change side, stance thought!
Me: oh wait! stay here! dont go out!
He: why?
Me: you dont know but there are ppl to get u... and u must be protected...
He: oh really!
Me: yes ... dont ask all the questions now... just wait for a little time... pls...
you dont know how much u mean to this world... the more good u do ehre the more tough the going gets for u...and the more u r bound to be asked to leave the path of good... and the more u resist the more pain will come ur way... and the more pain u get will weaken ur resolve...
its rare that u can stand all that pain and still be as great and wonderful as u r...
now dont be too scared....
as long as u dont think too much of wats being said and feel its real u are still good.
He: then why did u tell me this...
Me: actually u r rite... i shudnt have... but then how will u know i care for u!:) and its ok to come to me when time is hard!
forget even this...
just know u r not alone! even if u r asked to think u r... dont heed that thought... as long as i am with u... u r not alone!:)
He: and how long are u going to be there...
Me: if i will ever leave i will leave a lot of prayers for u... that will keep u safe... and give u companion for ur loneliness...but for that to work... u will ahve to promise me or well not promise me... just know u shud always be doing the right thing...
my effectiveness will weaken as u will do and keep doing wrong!
as long as u do it with a good heart and honest self... u will eb able to find me ... or someone like me always!
now
i think its ok for u to go out...
smiles
He: hey wats ur name?
Me: Farida! they call me Farida!
He: nice meeting you Farida!
she with a smile keeping back those tears telling him dont forget me... for you are one of the best things that happened around here for me and i wud like to see more of every going day!
He not undertsanding that gesture... looks a bit at me... smiles harder and disappears in the crowd, in the life that awaits him!
She is on her own again!:) wondering wat to do next?
Monday, September 26, 2011
The meeting with our TNC
A lil background!
I am a dawoodi bohra. We like to keep to our community for various reasons including the preservance of our faith! We are muslims and we are bohras.
So we have a system TNC which is a committe that works internationally helping bohras meet bohras for matrimonial reasons... we hold meetings where potential, ready to marry guys and gals meet... and have chat... counselors are there to undertsand ur preferences so they cud help u find the right match based on ur preference...
this is one of such meeting where a guy is telling his preference in the mate he wants to settle down with... and i find it hilarious to undertsanding... cuz i beleive i have preferences and we all have a right to have them...whether we end up finding someone based on them is totally a luck...
so i am not sure if this guy will be lucky until he fails a lot and finally gives up on his ideals:D
sharing for a flavor... :)
Diary of the Dawoodi Bohra Romeo | Monday 12th
“So, I understand you have been having some…difficulties?” says my new Taiseer-un-Nikah Committee (TNC) counsellor as she sips a cup of masala chai. She asks the question with arched eyebrows and a knowing look and I suspect she has heard the rumours that I am a “problem” case. This is my first meeting with her but not my first TNC counsellor - unfortunately I had to let the first one go due to poor performance and a bad attitude and the second one said she had to let me go for the same reasons!!! But anyway, seeing as it is my first time with her I want to get off to a good start and make a positive impression - after all, she could be the key to my future happiness!
We had started filling the bio-data form earlier in the evening and it had gone relatively smoothly. I have a good education, good job, my own flat, and am from a large and well-established family with a green chitti – all ticks there!
She seemed like a nice Aunty, although we didn't have the same sense of humour because when I mentioned that the dadi in my passport photo made me look like a young Che Guevara and that I would sell well in the Cuban Bohra market (Che che? hahah), she didn't even come close to cracking a smile - she just gave me a strange look and asked what my watan was and whether I had any bad habits!
Me: Watan is East African and I prefer the same and no Aunty, I don’t have any bad habits, although I don't mind celebrating with the occasional Cuban...
Aunty: (snapping): Stop this Cuban nonsense - we don’t have any girls there OK. I can speak to someone about the Miami jamaat.
Me: No I meant….oh never mind…
Aunty: What age do you want?
Me: Well I need to meet someone who is 24-26. That way I can get them knocked up and they can have the first kid before they are 30. Here’s the maths – it will take me a year to get to know them, a year to arrange a wedding, and I want to be married for 2 years before I have a kid. Plus the younger, the more malleable, it’s too hard to teach a 29-30 year old to treat me like God, believe me I’ve tried!
Aunty (outraged): Astaghfirullah! You are not God, who do you think you are!
Me (backtracking): Sorry, bad choice of words...
**There is a pause for a while as Aunty gives me a severe glare and takes a deep breath**
Aunty: What height are you looking for?
Me: OK, I can go as low as 5’3 but prefer taller. But let’s talk about looks. No mingers please. No darkies, no big noses, no bad teeth, no overweight girls, no lazy eyes, no skin conditions, no..
Aunty (interrupting): Why don’t you go to Bollywood and marry Bipashu Basu?
Me: Yes, well that’s not really the feedback I’m looking for....Anyway, Bipashu is actually a lot darker than she looks in the movies, she uses Fair and Lov..
Aunty (interrupting again): Oh so you are too good for Bipashu now…who do you think you are, Casanova?
Me: Well, these girls could do a lot worse! I’ve seen the quality of guys out there!! Anyway, let’s get back to location. I think it’s important to live in the same city as a girl to get to know them properly so I only want London girls! And please no freshies', they’re just on a totally different level, you know?
Aunty (indignant): No I don’t know. Look, in our culture you get to know the girl properly after marriage.
Me: Hmm, interesting, but I prefer before…
**At this point Aunty is just shaking her head and muttering something I can’t hear under her breath**
Aunty: What about her education?
Me: Ah yes, I need a university educated girl with a good professional career like a pharmacist, optician, dentist, or GP...no bankers or lawyers because they work long hours and I need my wife to be home early to make dinner for me and the bambino’s!. Oh yeah, she has to be a good cook.
Aunty: OK….and what about deen?
Me: Always good… in moderation, but no ridha’s please, they're an acquired taste.
So, I think I’ve given you a pretty good idea of what our starting point should be - what do you think?
Aunty (referring to notes): So, you want a tall, beautiful, fair, liberal, 25 year old girl from an East African family who lives in London, is a pharmacist and who can cook?
Me (happy): Exactly, we're on the same page!
Aunty (dispirited): OK, don’t call me I’ll call you....
Excellent! I think we made a lot of progress and can’t wait to hear back. Between her and all the new girls that have signed up on www.findabohra.com (“FAB”), I’m sure I can find someone I like - feeling positive!!!
:D
I am a dawoodi bohra. We like to keep to our community for various reasons including the preservance of our faith! We are muslims and we are bohras.
So we have a system TNC which is a committe that works internationally helping bohras meet bohras for matrimonial reasons... we hold meetings where potential, ready to marry guys and gals meet... and have chat... counselors are there to undertsand ur preferences so they cud help u find the right match based on ur preference...
this is one of such meeting where a guy is telling his preference in the mate he wants to settle down with... and i find it hilarious to undertsanding... cuz i beleive i have preferences and we all have a right to have them...whether we end up finding someone based on them is totally a luck...
so i am not sure if this guy will be lucky until he fails a lot and finally gives up on his ideals:D
sharing for a flavor... :)
Diary of the Dawoodi Bohra Romeo | Monday 12th
“So, I understand you have been having some…difficulties?” says my new Taiseer-un-Nikah Committee (TNC) counsellor as she sips a cup of masala chai. She asks the question with arched eyebrows and a knowing look and I suspect she has heard the rumours that I am a “problem” case. This is my first meeting with her but not my first TNC counsellor - unfortunately I had to let the first one go due to poor performance and a bad attitude and the second one said she had to let me go for the same reasons!!! But anyway, seeing as it is my first time with her I want to get off to a good start and make a positive impression - after all, she could be the key to my future happiness!
We had started filling the bio-data form earlier in the evening and it had gone relatively smoothly. I have a good education, good job, my own flat, and am from a large and well-established family with a green chitti – all ticks there!
She seemed like a nice Aunty, although we didn't have the same sense of humour because when I mentioned that the dadi in my passport photo made me look like a young Che Guevara and that I would sell well in the Cuban Bohra market (Che che? hahah), she didn't even come close to cracking a smile - she just gave me a strange look and asked what my watan was and whether I had any bad habits!
Me: Watan is East African and I prefer the same and no Aunty, I don’t have any bad habits, although I don't mind celebrating with the occasional Cuban...
Aunty: (snapping): Stop this Cuban nonsense - we don’t have any girls there OK. I can speak to someone about the Miami jamaat.
Me: No I meant….oh never mind…
Aunty: What age do you want?
Me: Well I need to meet someone who is 24-26. That way I can get them knocked up and they can have the first kid before they are 30. Here’s the maths – it will take me a year to get to know them, a year to arrange a wedding, and I want to be married for 2 years before I have a kid. Plus the younger, the more malleable, it’s too hard to teach a 29-30 year old to treat me like God, believe me I’ve tried!
Aunty (outraged): Astaghfirullah! You are not God, who do you think you are!
Me (backtracking): Sorry, bad choice of words...
**There is a pause for a while as Aunty gives me a severe glare and takes a deep breath**
Aunty: What height are you looking for?
Me: OK, I can go as low as 5’3 but prefer taller. But let’s talk about looks. No mingers please. No darkies, no big noses, no bad teeth, no overweight girls, no lazy eyes, no skin conditions, no..
Aunty (interrupting): Why don’t you go to Bollywood and marry Bipashu Basu?
Me: Yes, well that’s not really the feedback I’m looking for....Anyway, Bipashu is actually a lot darker than she looks in the movies, she uses Fair and Lov..
Aunty (interrupting again): Oh so you are too good for Bipashu now…who do you think you are, Casanova?
Me: Well, these girls could do a lot worse! I’ve seen the quality of guys out there!! Anyway, let’s get back to location. I think it’s important to live in the same city as a girl to get to know them properly so I only want London girls! And please no freshies', they’re just on a totally different level, you know?
Aunty (indignant): No I don’t know. Look, in our culture you get to know the girl properly after marriage.
Me: Hmm, interesting, but I prefer before…
**At this point Aunty is just shaking her head and muttering something I can’t hear under her breath**
Aunty: What about her education?
Me: Ah yes, I need a university educated girl with a good professional career like a pharmacist, optician, dentist, or GP...no bankers or lawyers because they work long hours and I need my wife to be home early to make dinner for me and the bambino’s!. Oh yeah, she has to be a good cook.
Aunty: OK….and what about deen?
Me: Always good… in moderation, but no ridha’s please, they're an acquired taste.
So, I think I’ve given you a pretty good idea of what our starting point should be - what do you think?
Aunty (referring to notes): So, you want a tall, beautiful, fair, liberal, 25 year old girl from an East African family who lives in London, is a pharmacist and who can cook?
Me (happy): Exactly, we're on the same page!
Aunty (dispirited): OK, don’t call me I’ll call you....
Excellent! I think we made a lot of progress and can’t wait to hear back. Between her and all the new girls that have signed up on www.findabohra.com (“FAB”), I’m sure I can find someone I like - feeling positive!!!
:D
Afternoon blues!
All asleep but me... its great to watch them oblivion of any care lost in a peaceful place... and i dont care if they like to stay there for as long as they want...:D and me here like a bat in the after noon! i hate to sleep in the afternoons... unless i am already sleeping... but when i wake up its a bad feeling! a guilt and loser kind feeling!:D
afternoons have always been the most unbearable time of my life... at work yes i never had any afternoons they were part of the morning only! why were afternoons created... may be if u can watch a good movie in that slot or listen to something great... or may be have a yoga class u can really make the best of that time... but otherwise its the most pathetic time of the day for me....
afternoon blues!
afternoons have always been the most unbearable time of my life... at work yes i never had any afternoons they were part of the morning only! why were afternoons created... may be if u can watch a good movie in that slot or listen to something great... or may be have a yoga class u can really make the best of that time... but otherwise its the most pathetic time of the day for me....
afternoon blues!
i am a girl and i like guys a lot!:D
its the truth that except for my brothers who i am pretty close to and never recognize as another gender!
i actually admire men more then woman i meet regularly...
from my best freinds, to ppl i can converse for hours and not get bored... its man who has the charm for me...
men who have made me who i am... and man who i owe a lot to... men who make me laugh and smile and men who make me cry and bang my head on walls, men who make me secure and protected and man who make me want to run and hide from...
those men who i avoid and dont wnat anything to do with are the ones.. who actually make men a bad thing! the rest all make me feel like the best thing happened around here
i know guys you might think the same abt the girls u have met... i know we need to understand we blend the best with each other and gays and lesbians are liars or worriers for no reason....
nothing against them but they are those who limit life... u cant give birth if u marry...
anyways men i was talking abt
from thos ecute hunks u cant take ur eyes off... to those mysterious serious head down ones... who give one look at u and ur world stirs and u have to make it stable again by... looking away and making them less powerful then they are...
hahaha! recalling one such incidence... and wondering where those feelings come from...
and then u see those creative ppl, from actors to singer, to directors, to entertainers, to poets, to , musicians, to dancers to politicians...
i mean u have them in thousands and millions,
so many faces and smiles and eyes capture ur mind...everyone interesting and exciting in thier own ways...having their own tune...
each different from other yet similar in so many ways...
from rhitik, to amir to salman, to amitabh, to imran khan, to imran khan, to quaide azam,to brothers,
some i have spend hours with some a wink with...
yet they all had been good in thier ways....
Man make my world go round! and the fact there are endless... and each better and different then other... gives me a hard time deciding... kon beneyga mera pati!:)
hehe!
Cuz its when i am given that question i cannot decide who i shud give the honour and who i beleive can give me the honour... with no desire for rethinking!
aah... does it matter if i cant decide and the made decision isnt giving me wat it shud have!
i dont think so!
let God settle that for me... i will be fine with His choice which will be the ultimate!
i actually admire men more then woman i meet regularly...
from my best freinds, to ppl i can converse for hours and not get bored... its man who has the charm for me...
men who have made me who i am... and man who i owe a lot to... men who make me laugh and smile and men who make me cry and bang my head on walls, men who make me secure and protected and man who make me want to run and hide from...
those men who i avoid and dont wnat anything to do with are the ones.. who actually make men a bad thing! the rest all make me feel like the best thing happened around here
i know guys you might think the same abt the girls u have met... i know we need to understand we blend the best with each other and gays and lesbians are liars or worriers for no reason....
nothing against them but they are those who limit life... u cant give birth if u marry...
anyways men i was talking abt
from thos ecute hunks u cant take ur eyes off... to those mysterious serious head down ones... who give one look at u and ur world stirs and u have to make it stable again by... looking away and making them less powerful then they are...
hahaha! recalling one such incidence... and wondering where those feelings come from...
and then u see those creative ppl, from actors to singer, to directors, to entertainers, to poets, to , musicians, to dancers to politicians...
i mean u have them in thousands and millions,
so many faces and smiles and eyes capture ur mind...everyone interesting and exciting in thier own ways...having their own tune...
each different from other yet similar in so many ways...
from rhitik, to amir to salman, to amitabh, to imran khan, to imran khan, to quaide azam,to brothers,
some i have spend hours with some a wink with...
yet they all had been good in thier ways....
Man make my world go round! and the fact there are endless... and each better and different then other... gives me a hard time deciding... kon beneyga mera pati!:)
hehe!
Cuz its when i am given that question i cannot decide who i shud give the honour and who i beleive can give me the honour... with no desire for rethinking!
aah... does it matter if i cant decide and the made decision isnt giving me wat it shud have!
i dont think so!
let God settle that for me... i will be fine with His choice which will be the ultimate!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I am sad!
I never regretted anything but now i am regretting something abt myself.
My mom has been kind and loving and she is a mom so i can expect that from her.
But i cant expect everyone to be so around me especially those who havent known and loved me so much.
My anger fits when they happen make me say wat ever i feel like. and when its over all i know is ashes of a once beautiful thing...
But no... i never get angry on the right thing... Its wrong i cannot handle... Its wrong i cannot tolerate, its when u cross limits that i am asked to leave mine and meet u halfway to give u my peice of mind...
And it doenst matter that whether i was wrong in blowing up or not... things break up, things are said, feelings are hurt and sins are multiplied.
and i regret even though i feel i was right.
I then try to understand the mechanism by which i live my life. the theory the philosophy and i wonder how i never get to have one close friend who i cud say is my soulmate. when i see freinds being so close and loving to each other... unable to do without each other, always wanting the other to guide them , to hear them and other so very interested in so... i wonder why i never cud enjoy all that...
why i had to always purse my lips when i had something to share, why i feared no one can understand me or wud care for wat i care... and why i felt no one and wat tey cared for meant anything to me...
So when sometimes i dont feel like wishing someone a happy b'day cuz i feel she wudnt care wherther i greet them or not... cuz they hardly greet me...i know i am being small hearted or sometimes even not doing it when i feel they can survive without my greetings...
but the fact that i always am ready to help ppl with troubles that are menaingful to me and diys for those that are not worthy of my time... i regret this but i am still unable to change myself...into a more of a simple and less limited girl
Decisions i made myself
take admission in BA Eco/
do it for 1 yr and then the distance and traveling and stupid tim lags between classes causing me depression...
so take admission in BCS did it for 3 yrs the last yr severe depression... yet cleared it... somehow... went to give papers while dying inside...
was interning for 2 yrs all the way to my bcs... the place was nice
got a job as sales coordinator... earning 7000 did it for a yr... when i got bored wityh the same work that was quotation making.... no more learning i felt and started to crave for different stuff...
started MBA tried handling both the job and MBA but my grades told me to not take a risk and i left the job, and the fact i had lost interest in the work,
did mba for two yrs... it was good... and bad... nithing is perfect...
wasnt that strong or confident abt getting a job it seemed like a big thing... i had very low confidence.. and mba didnt rise it that much..
once i am in i do great but to enter i usually cannot show my best cards ever
i feared gettinga good job and when no call came... for a month... i aksed a fried to keep me with him ... he had started his business recently and so he cudnt pay me more... i said i dont care i neeed to be working... so he agreed... and the salary was 4000 only... yes...
but before i cud start there i got a call from a company... and i got myself a post as asst manager sales for 12000 (tripple the amount i was agreeing to take...
my mom had felt really bad when my friend only proposed 4000 knowing i was an mba... i told her one thing mom ur girl will be jobless... wud u like that more then she is atleast working i can tell ppl i am earning more, dont worry... and she was so happy when i got a better offer... or may be it was her prayers which i never knew anything abt:D
i started the job and stayed there finally earning 40000 Rs. and that too with a kind of job security that wud let me make trips to USA for 4 months and i cud come and join back something no other work place wud ever offer...i didnt had to take leaves for muharram... since my boss was a bohri too...and so it was ideal in every way except
i didnt feel i was doing something worthy... i was earning, i was influencial, i was manager, but i felt like a slave of someones money and time...
all i wanted was to be in aplace i cud walk dance sit as i like... and i cudnt do anything... all of my day went without any nice exciting stuff... got boring like hell and he wasnt getting wat he wanted either... i was nasty, arguesome, sudenly and i felt i wasnt doing justcie to the amount i was being paid...
finally one day i resigned saying i dont feel i deserve this or even can do this anymore...
and i left breathing lighter, feeling better more alive...
that was the best decision i made... and all i feel i lost was 40000 rs... yes it is a lot... but its not worthy then me... and my happiness and stress free life...
i havent gained the courage or attitude to join back workplace... any other ... wen i left that place i made a commitment to never come back again... that the good bye was final. and i may do any other job but never go back...i bow only can wish God somehow lands me a better work and place and folks... that improve me as human... in every possible way...who are asubstance beyond substance.
OK
i met you 3 yrs back and i am still not given up on u...but i have given up on almost everything in life...
i few month back got an offer to volunteer and i took it... but i was going to leave it soon when i spotted Gulab, a kid in KG 2 a 7 yr old, that took my heart away with his innocence and smile.
if it wasnt for him i wudnt have been able to stay in that school. there were other kids too... but i didnt feel so strongly abt anyone... but the fact i cudnt be in his class or see him everyday make me wonder if i shud continue as he was the only reason why i wnated to be there... i know stupid of me... but that how i am...
and the fact i have left it more time then i have joined it... i feel i shudnt go unless i make somekind of a pact to atleast be with them for a yr or 6 month... but i cant since i dont know wat will happen tomorrow with me...
without commitment i dont feel like taking up anything and making commitment is a hard thing...
now if u all look at my situation and decisions... when my mom asks me to make a decision abt choosing a life mate and starting a life with him... i wonder how can it be so easy for me to meet a guy love him, and when he leaves i forget all abt him and marry another...
when they ask for a decsion i remember my commitment that i amde when i was talking to him that i will love him for ever and even after i die...
and with that commitment made... i dont think there seems to be any room for another man in my life... but the fact i made this commitment without even knowing wat he wants... and his no support in this regard makes me wonder wat to do...
shud i break the commitment i made with so much love and faith and passion. or be true to it and see it working its majic into my life...
the fact that with passing time and his oblivion to my needs and wishes my anger and ego tells me to hate him forget him, dump him, leave him... and sometimes they make so much sense... but still i cant seem to make myself do it...
and if i ever turn else where the only person i find better of my commitment and love is Salman Khan...
why? Cuz if it wasnt him, it wud have been killing for me to bear wat i was asked to bear. he owes me a lot after u!
and yes i do regret the fact i wasnt able to stop loving u, but i have really stopped acting and behaving like u wud have liked me to... that my respect for u, has gone lower then i wanted , and my trust has gone out too...
i am sorry but i am angry, until u make me feel better abt u... but why wud u do anything its not u who committed to love me it was only i who made that commitment and wants to be true to it!
how do i go anywhere from here!
My mom has been kind and loving and she is a mom so i can expect that from her.
But i cant expect everyone to be so around me especially those who havent known and loved me so much.
My anger fits when they happen make me say wat ever i feel like. and when its over all i know is ashes of a once beautiful thing...
But no... i never get angry on the right thing... Its wrong i cannot handle... Its wrong i cannot tolerate, its when u cross limits that i am asked to leave mine and meet u halfway to give u my peice of mind...
And it doenst matter that whether i was wrong in blowing up or not... things break up, things are said, feelings are hurt and sins are multiplied.
and i regret even though i feel i was right.
I then try to understand the mechanism by which i live my life. the theory the philosophy and i wonder how i never get to have one close friend who i cud say is my soulmate. when i see freinds being so close and loving to each other... unable to do without each other, always wanting the other to guide them , to hear them and other so very interested in so... i wonder why i never cud enjoy all that...
why i had to always purse my lips when i had something to share, why i feared no one can understand me or wud care for wat i care... and why i felt no one and wat tey cared for meant anything to me...
So when sometimes i dont feel like wishing someone a happy b'day cuz i feel she wudnt care wherther i greet them or not... cuz they hardly greet me...i know i am being small hearted or sometimes even not doing it when i feel they can survive without my greetings...
but the fact that i always am ready to help ppl with troubles that are menaingful to me and diys for those that are not worthy of my time... i regret this but i am still unable to change myself...into a more of a simple and less limited girl
Decisions i made myself
take admission in BA Eco/
do it for 1 yr and then the distance and traveling and stupid tim lags between classes causing me depression...
so take admission in BCS did it for 3 yrs the last yr severe depression... yet cleared it... somehow... went to give papers while dying inside...
was interning for 2 yrs all the way to my bcs... the place was nice
got a job as sales coordinator... earning 7000 did it for a yr... when i got bored wityh the same work that was quotation making.... no more learning i felt and started to crave for different stuff...
started MBA tried handling both the job and MBA but my grades told me to not take a risk and i left the job, and the fact i had lost interest in the work,
did mba for two yrs... it was good... and bad... nithing is perfect...
wasnt that strong or confident abt getting a job it seemed like a big thing... i had very low confidence.. and mba didnt rise it that much..
once i am in i do great but to enter i usually cannot show my best cards ever
i feared gettinga good job and when no call came... for a month... i aksed a fried to keep me with him ... he had started his business recently and so he cudnt pay me more... i said i dont care i neeed to be working... so he agreed... and the salary was 4000 only... yes...
but before i cud start there i got a call from a company... and i got myself a post as asst manager sales for 12000 (tripple the amount i was agreeing to take...
my mom had felt really bad when my friend only proposed 4000 knowing i was an mba... i told her one thing mom ur girl will be jobless... wud u like that more then she is atleast working i can tell ppl i am earning more, dont worry... and she was so happy when i got a better offer... or may be it was her prayers which i never knew anything abt:D
i started the job and stayed there finally earning 40000 Rs. and that too with a kind of job security that wud let me make trips to USA for 4 months and i cud come and join back something no other work place wud ever offer...i didnt had to take leaves for muharram... since my boss was a bohri too...and so it was ideal in every way except
i didnt feel i was doing something worthy... i was earning, i was influencial, i was manager, but i felt like a slave of someones money and time...
all i wanted was to be in aplace i cud walk dance sit as i like... and i cudnt do anything... all of my day went without any nice exciting stuff... got boring like hell and he wasnt getting wat he wanted either... i was nasty, arguesome, sudenly and i felt i wasnt doing justcie to the amount i was being paid...
finally one day i resigned saying i dont feel i deserve this or even can do this anymore...
and i left breathing lighter, feeling better more alive...
that was the best decision i made... and all i feel i lost was 40000 rs... yes it is a lot... but its not worthy then me... and my happiness and stress free life...
i havent gained the courage or attitude to join back workplace... any other ... wen i left that place i made a commitment to never come back again... that the good bye was final. and i may do any other job but never go back...i bow only can wish God somehow lands me a better work and place and folks... that improve me as human... in every possible way...who are asubstance beyond substance.
OK
i met you 3 yrs back and i am still not given up on u...but i have given up on almost everything in life...
i few month back got an offer to volunteer and i took it... but i was going to leave it soon when i spotted Gulab, a kid in KG 2 a 7 yr old, that took my heart away with his innocence and smile.
if it wasnt for him i wudnt have been able to stay in that school. there were other kids too... but i didnt feel so strongly abt anyone... but the fact i cudnt be in his class or see him everyday make me wonder if i shud continue as he was the only reason why i wnated to be there... i know stupid of me... but that how i am...
and the fact i have left it more time then i have joined it... i feel i shudnt go unless i make somekind of a pact to atleast be with them for a yr or 6 month... but i cant since i dont know wat will happen tomorrow with me...
without commitment i dont feel like taking up anything and making commitment is a hard thing...
now if u all look at my situation and decisions... when my mom asks me to make a decision abt choosing a life mate and starting a life with him... i wonder how can it be so easy for me to meet a guy love him, and when he leaves i forget all abt him and marry another...
when they ask for a decsion i remember my commitment that i amde when i was talking to him that i will love him for ever and even after i die...
and with that commitment made... i dont think there seems to be any room for another man in my life... but the fact i made this commitment without even knowing wat he wants... and his no support in this regard makes me wonder wat to do...
shud i break the commitment i made with so much love and faith and passion. or be true to it and see it working its majic into my life...
the fact that with passing time and his oblivion to my needs and wishes my anger and ego tells me to hate him forget him, dump him, leave him... and sometimes they make so much sense... but still i cant seem to make myself do it...
and if i ever turn else where the only person i find better of my commitment and love is Salman Khan...
why? Cuz if it wasnt him, it wud have been killing for me to bear wat i was asked to bear. he owes me a lot after u!
and yes i do regret the fact i wasnt able to stop loving u, but i have really stopped acting and behaving like u wud have liked me to... that my respect for u, has gone lower then i wanted , and my trust has gone out too...
i am sorry but i am angry, until u make me feel better abt u... but why wud u do anything its not u who committed to love me it was only i who made that commitment and wants to be true to it!
how do i go anywhere from here!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Want to develop a school course!
I have been thinking a lot, on those lines and created a concept of Youngsters upliftment program but couldn't work on that since alone i am always prone to led astray...
I would like to start again with a hope to be focused and take small and consistent steps to ultimately create a school course that can be taught in the schools in Karachi ensuring my kids and kids of others, get the best of education, to turn them into capable, worthy strong and confident humans, that know how to create better life for them and others.
YUP - needs my commitment if it ever wud like to breathe and have a life, and for this commitment i need my friends and all to support me to keep to it. and not led astray and get distracted by anything...
My goal is not to take it as a business and make it a money making machine, my aim is to develop it into a well established entity that creates passion into me every going day and gives me a motive to work on and keep myself active and productive in a worth while cause...
your suggestions and words will be of great value to me... and for motivation, and knowing i am on right track and must keep on it i wud need all the support i can get...
http://love-youngstersupliftmentprogramyup.blogspot.com/
I would like to start again with a hope to be focused and take small and consistent steps to ultimately create a school course that can be taught in the schools in Karachi ensuring my kids and kids of others, get the best of education, to turn them into capable, worthy strong and confident humans, that know how to create better life for them and others.
YUP - needs my commitment if it ever wud like to breathe and have a life, and for this commitment i need my friends and all to support me to keep to it. and not led astray and get distracted by anything...
My goal is not to take it as a business and make it a money making machine, my aim is to develop it into a well established entity that creates passion into me every going day and gives me a motive to work on and keep myself active and productive in a worth while cause...
your suggestions and words will be of great value to me... and for motivation, and knowing i am on right track and must keep on it i wud need all the support i can get...
http://love-youngstersupliftmentprogramyup.blogspot.com/
Monday, September 19, 2011
Spouse is a part of ur soul! and must be so!
When a freind shares his problem better with you then his spouse to be... i feel sad and bad..:(
Its like u can share everything with others and not one part of ur heart...
wat is the point of relations then ...when u cant share and expect the best of the support from them, when telling them a thing and hoping them to make u feel good is not possible...
kya yaar!
and then even i am victim of this mentality and behavior...
Kuch garbar hai, kehin kuch galat hogaya hai, and we need to change it...
atleast i want to for my life and sake...
who cares for others ... you have ur mind to think for urself...
i surely will find my life gets the support and love i need...
love and wishes
P.S when u cant share ur self with ur spouse... u r in the wrong place... change the reality or get out from there...
Its like u can share everything with others and not one part of ur heart...
wat is the point of relations then ...when u cant share and expect the best of the support from them, when telling them a thing and hoping them to make u feel good is not possible...
kya yaar!
and then even i am victim of this mentality and behavior...
Kuch garbar hai, kehin kuch galat hogaya hai, and we need to change it...
atleast i want to for my life and sake...
who cares for others ... you have ur mind to think for urself...
i surely will find my life gets the support and love i need...
love and wishes
P.S when u cant share ur self with ur spouse... u r in the wrong place... change the reality or get out from there...
This song
when i was a kid some 1-10 yrs old and used to think marriages gtake u away from your loved ones...
watching this song made me cry a lot... yet i loved it just as much...
An eastern bride, being married against her wish... scary i know...
but all she has in her say is these silent tears and a wish if she can die...
But the beauty of this simple girl is filled with vows, to protect her family, values, and traditions her immense love and devotion to her family...
Can you imagine... there were times when marrying was like u are abt to die... the man you are choosing will be holding ur reigns and you can only hope he is a just and loving man who will never harm you in anyways....
But that if you dont like wat u get, you should leave and run away... it was just as terrible as running away from a jail, when u have been fined for a crime...
and women... still believe that ...
and then there are some men who know how to treat a woman and some woman who know how to ensure their man know how to do that!
her emotions and words make a difference
for my english viewers here is a bit of translation
Father, may these ppl dont take me away
I feel i am passing through some life threatening experience
i thought father, my life will be that of a free willed person
why you pinned me with these stangers (her husband and inlaws)
what kind of relation is this that puts me on fire abd pain
around your your garden it seems, everything is lifeless and empty
What kind of doli (the thing you take bride to bride grooms place) i see
i see your world getting burned
My heart is filled of greif and pain... instead of happiness
had to lose my fathers home, now when will i lose my hope too...
how long will i have to live siging like this, i wish my breaths end too
wat kind of my life is ... it seems like i am drinking poison...
leave these ppl for these are liars of ppl...
I know its sad... but this has been reality for many...
i am glad ppl are getting educated and gaining undertsanding in human nature, realising who is right and wat is right, and helping their states and life...
love!
watching this song made me cry a lot... yet i loved it just as much...
An eastern bride, being married against her wish... scary i know...
but all she has in her say is these silent tears and a wish if she can die...
But the beauty of this simple girl is filled with vows, to protect her family, values, and traditions her immense love and devotion to her family...
Can you imagine... there were times when marrying was like u are abt to die... the man you are choosing will be holding ur reigns and you can only hope he is a just and loving man who will never harm you in anyways....
But that if you dont like wat u get, you should leave and run away... it was just as terrible as running away from a jail, when u have been fined for a crime...
and women... still believe that ...
and then there are some men who know how to treat a woman and some woman who know how to ensure their man know how to do that!
her emotions and words make a difference
for my english viewers here is a bit of translation
Father, may these ppl dont take me away
I feel i am passing through some life threatening experience
i thought father, my life will be that of a free willed person
why you pinned me with these stangers (her husband and inlaws)
what kind of relation is this that puts me on fire abd pain
around your your garden it seems, everything is lifeless and empty
What kind of doli (the thing you take bride to bride grooms place) i see
i see your world getting burned
My heart is filled of greif and pain... instead of happiness
had to lose my fathers home, now when will i lose my hope too...
how long will i have to live siging like this, i wish my breaths end too
wat kind of my life is ... it seems like i am drinking poison...
leave these ppl for these are liars of ppl...
I know its sad... but this has been reality for many...
i am glad ppl are getting educated and gaining undertsanding in human nature, realising who is right and wat is right, and helping their states and life...
love!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Your story is written oh your face! Do you need to worry?
if you want to really know someone deeply... take a sad impactful song and put it on in full volume... then take up the interview of that person... and mute it... so that u r watching the man speaking but u dont hear wat he is saying the song is on... and then try to see his expressions and his eyes and know him... you will be able to see his deep down self... u will know how insecure he is, or not, how much of a thug he is... or not...:D
the song i had one
Janey to ya janey na song was on... and i put on Salman khans interview...
sicne wat he was talking wasnt of interest to me... i muted him... and now i was listening to the sound int he back ground and watching him speak in mute...
the results were eye opening...
when i saw Salman i saw different streaks
when i saw rhitik i saw different...
but i saw soemthing clear... their souls!
:)
Dont beleive me... try this
and havent u heard...
words only make for 7% of the communication the rest is all in the gestures and bodymovement and eyes and smiles...
so if u want to know the soul of person... see his eyes and feel him in the silence...
:D
you will be amazed...
the song i had one
Janey to ya janey na song was on... and i put on Salman khans interview...
sicne wat he was talking wasnt of interest to me... i muted him... and now i was listening to the sound int he back ground and watching him speak in mute...
the results were eye opening...
when i saw Salman i saw different streaks
when i saw rhitik i saw different...
but i saw soemthing clear... their souls!
:)
Dont beleive me... try this
and havent u heard...
words only make for 7% of the communication the rest is all in the gestures and bodymovement and eyes and smiles...
so if u want to know the soul of person... see his eyes and feel him in the silence...
:D
you will be amazed...
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Dane Cook Vs. saad Haroon
OK!
I beleive wat i like and wat can capture my interests and attention and resonates with my tastes.
So when i watch Dane cook and am on the ground laughing vs.... watching Saad Haroon, a comedican from Pakistan... trying to make sense of his jokes...
which i beleive wud be getting lots of audience... I feel soemthing is missing
And then i come across this question... who will i support... and if we dont support our ppl how can we ensure they top it.
I thought for a second and i realised...
I would love to buy a ticket and watch and support but at the end of the performance if i feel it wasnt worth it... i wud never do it again
i cannot support anything that i feel lacks quality and excellence...
So what supporting our ppl means... and do we really need to do that...
Why i would crave more for salman and meeting him then Shan?
is it cuz i feel ghar ki murgi daal beraber...
no i dont think so...
The reason why Salman Khan tops it and hits there is not just the fact that he is a star and that he is an actor... and that too a brilliant one... its a human quality that makes him poular and want us to support and reach out and touch and stand with...And it comes with a lot of hardwork , sincere efforts and desire to excel, irrespective of whether u get something or not ...
So if u arent trying to be that on ur own... no one will be there to support u and make u reach that place....
So its lmao when i or anyone i know blames me for being a wannabe, or not caring for my country or taking pride...
If zerdari is wat we have as a leader, who doesnt desire to do a thing... then i cant be expected to be rpoud of our leradership...
If Pakistan ppl are not strong enuf to think seriously and act seriously abt thei future and their country future then i cant feel proud of them...
If amanat ali sings in isolation, never strives for more then being on FB... nor creating a destiny for himself , then i cant be proud of the accomplishments... which cud be similar to that of sonu nigham... shud he try and keep exceling in wat he knows best and does best...
For focus and exceling and putting total commitment to wat u chose to be and wish to stand is wat gets u... not how many ppl are on ur back or arent...
So if anyone ever tells u... you are a Pakistani, ourt ppl arent as supportive or our govt isnt as supportive or our family isnt as supportive that we can too have the success international stars gain...
all i wud ask u is to please take this crap out of ur mind...
Those who only want to rely on others for their success are ones who say that... not those who beleive in themselves and their dreams... and no wat it takes and are willing to do it...
So when i see Dane cook and saad haroon...
what i like abt Dane is the work and effort he puts to ensure the result that will make him feel great at the end of the performace
and if all pakistanis, resort to that kind of quality in wat they are best at... trust me... we cannot be anyless than the nations around...
till then... stay with the lazy, doubting, blaming, helpless, hopeless, cowardly, noncreative and untalented self as 90% of us are...
Boring i call each and every one of them... Boring and serey huey as hell:P
:D
I beleive wat i like and wat can capture my interests and attention and resonates with my tastes.
So when i watch Dane cook and am on the ground laughing vs.... watching Saad Haroon, a comedican from Pakistan... trying to make sense of his jokes...
which i beleive wud be getting lots of audience... I feel soemthing is missing
And then i come across this question... who will i support... and if we dont support our ppl how can we ensure they top it.
I thought for a second and i realised...
I would love to buy a ticket and watch and support but at the end of the performance if i feel it wasnt worth it... i wud never do it again
i cannot support anything that i feel lacks quality and excellence...
So what supporting our ppl means... and do we really need to do that...
Why i would crave more for salman and meeting him then Shan?
is it cuz i feel ghar ki murgi daal beraber...
no i dont think so...
The reason why Salman Khan tops it and hits there is not just the fact that he is a star and that he is an actor... and that too a brilliant one... its a human quality that makes him poular and want us to support and reach out and touch and stand with...And it comes with a lot of hardwork , sincere efforts and desire to excel, irrespective of whether u get something or not ...
So if u arent trying to be that on ur own... no one will be there to support u and make u reach that place....
So its lmao when i or anyone i know blames me for being a wannabe, or not caring for my country or taking pride...
If zerdari is wat we have as a leader, who doesnt desire to do a thing... then i cant be expected to be rpoud of our leradership...
If Pakistan ppl are not strong enuf to think seriously and act seriously abt thei future and their country future then i cant feel proud of them...
If amanat ali sings in isolation, never strives for more then being on FB... nor creating a destiny for himself , then i cant be proud of the accomplishments... which cud be similar to that of sonu nigham... shud he try and keep exceling in wat he knows best and does best...
For focus and exceling and putting total commitment to wat u chose to be and wish to stand is wat gets u... not how many ppl are on ur back or arent...
So if anyone ever tells u... you are a Pakistani, ourt ppl arent as supportive or our govt isnt as supportive or our family isnt as supportive that we can too have the success international stars gain...
all i wud ask u is to please take this crap out of ur mind...
Those who only want to rely on others for their success are ones who say that... not those who beleive in themselves and their dreams... and no wat it takes and are willing to do it...
So when i see Dane cook and saad haroon...
what i like abt Dane is the work and effort he puts to ensure the result that will make him feel great at the end of the performace
and if all pakistanis, resort to that kind of quality in wat they are best at... trust me... we cannot be anyless than the nations around...
till then... stay with the lazy, doubting, blaming, helpless, hopeless, cowardly, noncreative and untalented self as 90% of us are...
Boring i call each and every one of them... Boring and serey huey as hell:P
:D
what comes to rescue!
When i am down, when i am hyper, when i am sad, when i am happy, when i am unable to sleep and when i am too tired for anything...
He surely is there to pick me in any mood i may have and get me back on track...
So when i was unable to have a wink i resort to my savior once again...
i thought may be a sleeping music will put me to sleep... but nope nothing works
its my fault... i am not tired enuf in the day to sleep early...
the whole routine is distrupted... well i dont have one to speak of... so :P
but... the fact that discipline is imp for a successful life... becomes a flawed philosophy in my life...
I do accomplish a lot following a good well planned routine... but at the end a feeling i get is not of a success and happiness... i feel i am a machine...
and wat a stressing thought that can be... so in order to not have that feeling ever...
i quit my job, i quit volunttering, i quit... doing anything that can tell me i am on job...
I am free... thats wat i am... free to do wat ever i want...
But before i tell u to behave like me... every road has its own bumps... u better be ready to face them... cuz no road is bump free...:D
not even sitting idle doing wat u please....
Oh u might be thinking wat was that who comes to my rescue...
Who u think...
Dont know abt u... for me He is... My Maula my imam Imam Husain that holds the reign of my life and heart...
Its when i ensure my love for him is intact i have a sigh of releif... Lots of fun and dancing and masti... takes me away from remembering him, but when i see his name and my heart straigtens, my eyes pay homage and a sea of tears fall down...
He loves me i know... but do i love him and that i keep loving till my last breath wat i have to ensure... myself
i am getting sleepy now... listening to nohas and manqabat...
so the majic of the soothing words is working
Night every one... sleep well and rise well
He surely is there to pick me in any mood i may have and get me back on track...
So when i was unable to have a wink i resort to my savior once again...
i thought may be a sleeping music will put me to sleep... but nope nothing works
its my fault... i am not tired enuf in the day to sleep early...
the whole routine is distrupted... well i dont have one to speak of... so :P
but... the fact that discipline is imp for a successful life... becomes a flawed philosophy in my life...
I do accomplish a lot following a good well planned routine... but at the end a feeling i get is not of a success and happiness... i feel i am a machine...
and wat a stressing thought that can be... so in order to not have that feeling ever...
i quit my job, i quit volunttering, i quit... doing anything that can tell me i am on job...
I am free... thats wat i am... free to do wat ever i want...
But before i tell u to behave like me... every road has its own bumps... u better be ready to face them... cuz no road is bump free...:D
not even sitting idle doing wat u please....
Oh u might be thinking wat was that who comes to my rescue...
Who u think...
Dont know abt u... for me He is... My Maula my imam Imam Husain that holds the reign of my life and heart...
Its when i ensure my love for him is intact i have a sigh of releif... Lots of fun and dancing and masti... takes me away from remembering him, but when i see his name and my heart straigtens, my eyes pay homage and a sea of tears fall down...
He loves me i know... but do i love him and that i keep loving till my last breath wat i have to ensure... myself
i am getting sleepy now... listening to nohas and manqabat...
so the majic of the soothing words is working
Night every one... sleep well and rise well
Bros Wedding!:D
so i plan to dance on few songs on my brothers wedding... bhangra daloooo saare
:D
and i was thinking these songs willl really be nice...
for girls item
and with bwoyssss:D
Or
:)
Ghar ki shaaadi ki baat hi kuch aur hoti hai...
:D
and i was thinking these songs willl really be nice...
for girls item
and with bwoyssss:D
Or
:)
Ghar ki shaaadi ki baat hi kuch aur hoti hai...
Its simmering Abhi!:)
Cooking something yummy... :D and the best part is when it smells great, looks great and is accomplished in few quick mins... and has all those easy never going to disappoint me ingredients... rhythmically adding it with my intution to guide the taste...
sometimes though it so happens when i put it on stove and forget all abt it like a dream:D and when i remember it... it has lost most of its lustre and wat stares back at me is something unhappy asking me why u always forget all abt me look wat u made of me, being away for so long:P all i can be is sorry then! sometimes we can do that to ppl as well:)
sometimes though it so happens when i put it on stove and forget all abt it like a dream:D and when i remember it... it has lost most of its lustre and wat stares back at me is something unhappy asking me why u always forget all abt me look wat u made of me, being away for so long:P all i can be is sorry then! sometimes we can do that to ppl as well:)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Questions (Part 1)
I have realised that the beauty of life is in the beauty of questions u get to ask :)
Hmm so let me ask u all these questions
1) Is there anyone in the world you love so much that you could give your life for them?
2)Do you have a role model - someone you want to emulate? Whom do you admire the most?
3) If you won a million dollars in a lottery, what would you do with it?
4) If you knew you had only a year to live, What would you do first most?
5) What movie would u like your life to be?
6) What you think of me? :P
7) The experience of life was?
8) One person you can spend your life with and not think u will ever get bored of?
9) Is there someone from the past you really miss and would like to locate?
10)What you would liek to do on your first date with your love?
11) Your most feared thing?
12) If you were to live alone for a year? where would u choose to be ?
13) A topic that you cannot miss to comment and hear about?
14)- Do you like to Dance? would you like to dance with me? alone and with every and anyone?
15) What rain means to you?
:)
Hmm so let me ask u all these questions
1) Is there anyone in the world you love so much that you could give your life for them?
2)Do you have a role model - someone you want to emulate? Whom do you admire the most?
3) If you won a million dollars in a lottery, what would you do with it?
4) If you knew you had only a year to live, What would you do first most?
5) What movie would u like your life to be?
6) What you think of me? :P
7) The experience of life was?
8) One person you can spend your life with and not think u will ever get bored of?
9) Is there someone from the past you really miss and would like to locate?
10)What you would liek to do on your first date with your love?
11) Your most feared thing?
12) If you were to live alone for a year? where would u choose to be ?
13) A topic that you cannot miss to comment and hear about?
14)- Do you like to Dance? would you like to dance with me? alone and with every and anyone?
15) What rain means to you?
:)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Serenity of Life!
The rain falling outside as u watch through clear glass window draped with the lace curtains giving out the hazy view of the wet greens outside sitting on ur hard oak colored round table and sipping a warm cup of tea .... the dampness and coolness in the air finds a way through the open door... and all u do is watch in amaze and wonder... in that moment life is beautiful! and when they hit back as memories on a scorching hot day as u drive in the insane noise heat.. u were glad u were able to immerse urself completely in the serenity of life to deal with the unwanted parts. :D You can recall these moments in ur memories and make life happy again.
Up to something!
So when he told me you write really well but u write a lot... and it gets confusing...
i realised he has a point...
Yes Ateequay! i acknowledge this comment of u...
love u bro!:D
Acha i will try... but no its not possible... u dont know how it is for me... i dont have ur soul ur mind and ur heart in me... so its really not easy for me to work as u or anyone of u want me to work...
this heart this soul and this brain that i am stuck with has a tune of its own... a destiny of its own... and its exilerating to boring to dangerous.
And only i can bear all that... and if u cant... i totally understand and am cool with it...
I will try being how u want to be... but i know its going to take some yrs probably an eternity who knows... and if we are going to stuck for that long u may end up seeing some good changes..:P
With that i am going to tell u wat i did...
you guys are my chums one i can tell a secret and know i can survive without having to deal with nasty repurcussions...
I imagine if i tell the same things to:
1- Hasan a friend who is lost and unsure... he loves me... or desires me i dont know... but wat ever he does makes me feel he is creepy... like u know u need to keep ur mouth shut... so yesterday when i was sad and at the verge to talk and may be get help... i pinged him... and he came up with the question wats on ur mind ... that question got me on red alert... he wanst to get inside my ehad and mess with my already messed head... and i told him are u using some mind techniques on me... and he was like no... it was a simple question and i told... it doesnt seem like that... and i was zipped didnt utter a word... as to wat i would have liked to discuss... and as much as it hurts me to be so secretive it hurts me to know i have no choice but to keep to myself... and deal with it all alone... cuz ppl are so stupid... or dangerous!
2- Murtu - he is someone i met online... who again wanted to marry me... or atleast that was all he wanted me to succumb to... and then luckily he got married... and i was thank God... i am saved... and he still wants me to get hooked ofcourse... they all are concerned... but it was sad when i asked i am not sure who and he proposed himself... wat thats the crapiest thing u can say... i so wish he was joking ... but the silence makes me have doubts... but why? u are married now dude... and i wish u were not allowed to talk to girls, but ur wife... but that cant be the case i know... so atleast learn to know wat marriage means... it doesnt mean u can back off... once the decision is made...so to get help from him... is like getting urself bitten by a snake... ok i forgive him... but i know if this continues... i will say soemthing so horrible that he will start to hate himself... and me ofcourse...
3- Mom and Dad... if i tell them wat i am thinking... Dad will be angry and then quiet... mom wud try to be understanding on the outside and worrying like hell on the inside... fearing and calling one of her aids to come for the rescue... meri bachi ka kuch kero...:D
4- Bros... elder bro never mind... i wud rather not even think of something like that around him... younger one... will get worried... middle one... will worry on the inside or probably want to thrash me around so that i stop thinking on these lines on the top he will be go ahead... i have no issue upto u... u know i love u... yes i know sweets... thats the trouble i wish i wasnt loved so much... that it hurts me and u...:)
5- Hina my only female friend... kya ... dimagh kheraab hai... klya scohcti ho... hain na... i know... dimagh hona hi nahi chahiye... :)
6- Reh gayey kon... Blogger... Possible reactions...:D Silence... go ahead... understanding, positive... supportive... not as worrisome as my family and freinds... right?
So wat i am abt to do is... i had this absolutely beautiful diary which i got from india... for myself...:D and i thought i wud like some heart prayers in it... to help me in my moments... and so i started writing... just wrote one page and then it was lying there...
now i am thinking to meet Salman khan since a few months now... and i feel until i wont... mujhey chain nahi aayega... so i was thinking wat cud be the way...
i thought may be ill write him letters... and rather then writing just one letter i will write hi a chain of letters so he doesnt forget or can push me aside...
but that never happen... i did wrote them but didnt know if they were worth sending out...
but suddenly i got this urge to do soemthing... and so i wrote one more... trying to be as precise and to the point and sensible as i cud... and i was happy with the out come... i wrote it in notepad... and then i thought may be i shud use that diary and write it on that... this way... he may like it better... and the fact i am really not going to invest on him more... and dont even know a better letter wrting technique it made sense so now the diary with the written letter is ready...
and i am desiring to post it... i have his address but dont know if its the right one...
i fear if it wud reach him or not... if he will get it or his PA and wat if he simply throws it out ...
and the fact i may never know abt it... whether he got it and ignored or never got it... makes me wonder how to ensure he gets it... i am going to tCS it... and ask them how can they ensure if a letter gets to the recipient and that whether it is he who gets it and not some tom dick and harry..
second... i dont know where the nearest TCS is... and the fact i cant take any of my family with me... as they will get to know wat i am upto and i dont want questioning eyes... and looks... and objections... i want to do it... wiothout anyone who is a threat to this to know abt this...:)
I am 32 yrs old... do i sound like that... may be not... but may be cuz i acted 80 yrs old when i was 16 so i have a right to act 16 yrs when i am 32...
I don't have a problem
i realised he has a point...
Yes Ateequay! i acknowledge this comment of u...
love u bro!:D
Acha i will try... but no its not possible... u dont know how it is for me... i dont have ur soul ur mind and ur heart in me... so its really not easy for me to work as u or anyone of u want me to work...
this heart this soul and this brain that i am stuck with has a tune of its own... a destiny of its own... and its exilerating to boring to dangerous.
And only i can bear all that... and if u cant... i totally understand and am cool with it...
I will try being how u want to be... but i know its going to take some yrs probably an eternity who knows... and if we are going to stuck for that long u may end up seeing some good changes..:P
With that i am going to tell u wat i did...
you guys are my chums one i can tell a secret and know i can survive without having to deal with nasty repurcussions...
I imagine if i tell the same things to:
1- Hasan a friend who is lost and unsure... he loves me... or desires me i dont know... but wat ever he does makes me feel he is creepy... like u know u need to keep ur mouth shut... so yesterday when i was sad and at the verge to talk and may be get help... i pinged him... and he came up with the question wats on ur mind ... that question got me on red alert... he wanst to get inside my ehad and mess with my already messed head... and i told him are u using some mind techniques on me... and he was like no... it was a simple question and i told... it doesnt seem like that... and i was zipped didnt utter a word... as to wat i would have liked to discuss... and as much as it hurts me to be so secretive it hurts me to know i have no choice but to keep to myself... and deal with it all alone... cuz ppl are so stupid... or dangerous!
2- Murtu - he is someone i met online... who again wanted to marry me... or atleast that was all he wanted me to succumb to... and then luckily he got married... and i was thank God... i am saved... and he still wants me to get hooked ofcourse... they all are concerned... but it was sad when i asked i am not sure who and he proposed himself... wat thats the crapiest thing u can say... i so wish he was joking ... but the silence makes me have doubts... but why? u are married now dude... and i wish u were not allowed to talk to girls, but ur wife... but that cant be the case i know... so atleast learn to know wat marriage means... it doesnt mean u can back off... once the decision is made...so to get help from him... is like getting urself bitten by a snake... ok i forgive him... but i know if this continues... i will say soemthing so horrible that he will start to hate himself... and me ofcourse...
3- Mom and Dad... if i tell them wat i am thinking... Dad will be angry and then quiet... mom wud try to be understanding on the outside and worrying like hell on the inside... fearing and calling one of her aids to come for the rescue... meri bachi ka kuch kero...:D
4- Bros... elder bro never mind... i wud rather not even think of something like that around him... younger one... will get worried... middle one... will worry on the inside or probably want to thrash me around so that i stop thinking on these lines on the top he will be go ahead... i have no issue upto u... u know i love u... yes i know sweets... thats the trouble i wish i wasnt loved so much... that it hurts me and u...:)
5- Hina my only female friend... kya ... dimagh kheraab hai... klya scohcti ho... hain na... i know... dimagh hona hi nahi chahiye... :)
6- Reh gayey kon... Blogger... Possible reactions...:D Silence... go ahead... understanding, positive... supportive... not as worrisome as my family and freinds... right?
So wat i am abt to do is... i had this absolutely beautiful diary which i got from india... for myself...:D and i thought i wud like some heart prayers in it... to help me in my moments... and so i started writing... just wrote one page and then it was lying there...
now i am thinking to meet Salman khan since a few months now... and i feel until i wont... mujhey chain nahi aayega... so i was thinking wat cud be the way...
i thought may be ill write him letters... and rather then writing just one letter i will write hi a chain of letters so he doesnt forget or can push me aside...
but that never happen... i did wrote them but didnt know if they were worth sending out...
but suddenly i got this urge to do soemthing... and so i wrote one more... trying to be as precise and to the point and sensible as i cud... and i was happy with the out come... i wrote it in notepad... and then i thought may be i shud use that diary and write it on that... this way... he may like it better... and the fact i am really not going to invest on him more... and dont even know a better letter wrting technique it made sense so now the diary with the written letter is ready...
and i am desiring to post it... i have his address but dont know if its the right one...
i fear if it wud reach him or not... if he will get it or his PA and wat if he simply throws it out ...
and the fact i may never know abt it... whether he got it and ignored or never got it... makes me wonder how to ensure he gets it... i am going to tCS it... and ask them how can they ensure if a letter gets to the recipient and that whether it is he who gets it and not some tom dick and harry..
second... i dont know where the nearest TCS is... and the fact i cant take any of my family with me... as they will get to know wat i am upto and i dont want questioning eyes... and looks... and objections... i want to do it... wiothout anyone who is a threat to this to know abt this...:)
I am 32 yrs old... do i sound like that... may be not... but may be cuz i acted 80 yrs old when i was 16 so i have a right to act 16 yrs when i am 32...
I don't have a problem
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
What happens when u do wat u feel right and it comes out wrong!
So today i have been thinking, after i did something right... but that looks a bit wrong... infact its just as wrong as its right...
but the fact it may be wrong and shudnt have happened makes me wonder why the urge was so bad to do it... and when its all done... this thinking... when it can make no real difference...
I am writing this here so that it can help me understand wat happened today and wat i beleive may happen ample of more times in future...what it takes away from me and what it grants me...
I have always heard good things abt me from people who love me. I know they may be just being sweet and dont want to hurt me... so they may not speak the whole truth.
But my heart and conscience is always on the job... sometimes early sometimes late, sometimes when they dont need to say anything they blame me too criticize nag and make me hate myself so at times i really want these voices to leave me alone ...
So wat i did today and yesterday and i beleive i will keep doing until i dont get a clear signal saying "enough".... and then i will get even more uneasy...
(Speaking my mind and someone stopping me from doing it makes me do that)
Like seriously i have an issue i need to get help with and the fact its not as simple as having a physical problem... when u have a spiritual or deep mental problem... there are no real solutions...
Like do u know a pill for controlling anger. Or getting tears back into the eyes and be replaced by a smile. OR do u have a medication for turning bad thoughts into good ones... or hatred for someone into love or love for someone into indifference...or a pill to forget an incident that happened in your past... just that incident keeping everything else intact... Or a pill to know instantly wats the right thing to do that will get u the right result, that will get u wat u desire... and the wrong thing that will only get u and trouble so u can choose well...
I know some pills available, one are to relax you and make u sleep. it does something to your mind, it lightens u and drugs u so u dont have any intense thoughts that make keep u awake... basically it kills ur mind just as alcohol wud... making ur forget ur guilts and regrets too along with things that make u worry ... and drs call them medication.... a medication that makes u forget u killed a man and u need to worry or regret it... instead get u a drug that gets u help forget it... so that u may sleep well in the night and be fresh for work the next day...
So the natural process of one feeling guilty is killed... ur conscience is killed and u feel better...
i wud definitely like a pill that wud stop you from doing a sin... why rely heavily on God forgiveness, why not do something that wud stop us from doing sins only so we dont have to worry if God will forgive us or not... and what if he doesnt?
Like a wall between us and the sin so that we may be all good.
But since that's not a possibility... we have to live with the way things are...
Wit no pill for anger... and no vent out that takes it out without hurting us or anyone so wat happens is... we get angry and we hurt... ourselves and others... its a never ending chain... cuz when someone is hurt he is bound to be angry too... i used to think i am good... i dont react and say bad things to anyone... they think i have forgiven them forgotten it... let go... Have i.....
Noooooooooooooo!!!!!! :)
I didnt say anything but that doesnt mean i am ok with it...
so what i have to do... sometimes pile it up, sometimes get it out on myself... hating myself or my life... and everyone... taking it out on God... well that was OK... cuz i know he has a big heart and he can deal with it without getting angry or hurt... but sometimes its hard to keep it to God... it comes out o ppl... like ur chums and ur parrents or anyone u can get hands on...who is someone who is there to listen
or
crying terribly alone... and then wat... the dent is made ... and it will move with us... grow with us... cuz its not healed yet... why not... cuz we never tried healing it... all we did was push it down ... down down ... and its out of memory... cuz its pretty deep and lost... almost like those clothes we push into the attic since we cant use them... or do anything abt them... and wat happens... one day we accidently get knocked down by them... and they come tumbling up... creating havoc...making us uneasy and just as angry as we were when it happened...
So whats the solution...
And worse is when u know... the person who its related to... everytime u will see his face those angers will come up...and all u wud wnat is keep avoiding them... but how will u learn to be in relations when so much anger and pain and hurt is part of it...
I know... i understand... but he makes me so angry... and if i dont speak the truth wont it just be a cowardly thing... i need to speak my mind with him/ her she / he must know wat it feels like...
yes... sure... u must let know wat wrong they did to u... so that they never do it again... never even think... yes
and then u say it all out... and there u hear the cracking just after its said ... relationships are cracked hearts are cracked... and that night tears fall from eyes... and i wnat to know are they meaningless tears or they are honest, sincere... helpless tears, that cant change a thing ... and make it beautiful loving and worth living...
why was i to ever be in this situation... to be in love and yet have so much anger in me... and when it comes to chose one and leave the other i cant leave any ... cant stop loiving ... cant stop being angry ... cant forgive cant forget ...
how long can i be in this like this... why cant i just delete it... out of my memory and heart... and breathe normally...
why is it such a hard thing... wats making it such a hard thing... that one promise
and wat i will keep saying will only sound this ... i Hate you and dont want to see ur face again... when all i need u to hear is... i wish u were mine... i wish we were together and i wish there wasnt anything in u that i wud ever hate ... and that i wish u cud know all i mean is for me and u to have the most beautiful life... and i wish that life starts as soon as it can... and i wish i never dount u or take u for granted... nor u do that...
so wat it really is like now is u are not mine, we are not together, theres a lot in u that i cannot stand and i hate, and me and u are not having a beautiful life and its not seeming to start soon either... and u doubt me and take me for granted and so do i....
and yet i am not able to let it go... let you go...i cant let you go... but i must now forget u...must change my focus from you to where?
have u ever considered changing ur qibla from kaaba to somewhere else... wat if u were asked to, and u werent told where the new location is... wud it be easy for u to pray in all direction anticipating may be one of those directions will be the intented one, imagine how difficult that wud be... it seems everyone is asking me to do just that ... even u... and it feels cruel
wudnt u then rather keep praying to the qibla until the location was confirmed...thats wat i am doing... but i am already wavered in my mind...:(
tell me atleast where to and i will and if u cant atleast let me do this for as long as i live.
Allow me... and ensure me i am on the right track!
God i am talking to you!:( i dont think there is anyone else who ever knew the answers anyways!
but the fact it may be wrong and shudnt have happened makes me wonder why the urge was so bad to do it... and when its all done... this thinking... when it can make no real difference...
I am writing this here so that it can help me understand wat happened today and wat i beleive may happen ample of more times in future...what it takes away from me and what it grants me...
I have always heard good things abt me from people who love me. I know they may be just being sweet and dont want to hurt me... so they may not speak the whole truth.
But my heart and conscience is always on the job... sometimes early sometimes late, sometimes when they dont need to say anything they blame me too criticize nag and make me hate myself so at times i really want these voices to leave me alone ...
So wat i did today and yesterday and i beleive i will keep doing until i dont get a clear signal saying "enough".... and then i will get even more uneasy...
(Speaking my mind and someone stopping me from doing it makes me do that)
Like seriously i have an issue i need to get help with and the fact its not as simple as having a physical problem... when u have a spiritual or deep mental problem... there are no real solutions...
Like do u know a pill for controlling anger. Or getting tears back into the eyes and be replaced by a smile. OR do u have a medication for turning bad thoughts into good ones... or hatred for someone into love or love for someone into indifference...or a pill to forget an incident that happened in your past... just that incident keeping everything else intact... Or a pill to know instantly wats the right thing to do that will get u the right result, that will get u wat u desire... and the wrong thing that will only get u and trouble so u can choose well...
I know some pills available, one are to relax you and make u sleep. it does something to your mind, it lightens u and drugs u so u dont have any intense thoughts that make keep u awake... basically it kills ur mind just as alcohol wud... making ur forget ur guilts and regrets too along with things that make u worry ... and drs call them medication.... a medication that makes u forget u killed a man and u need to worry or regret it... instead get u a drug that gets u help forget it... so that u may sleep well in the night and be fresh for work the next day...
So the natural process of one feeling guilty is killed... ur conscience is killed and u feel better...
i wud definitely like a pill that wud stop you from doing a sin... why rely heavily on God forgiveness, why not do something that wud stop us from doing sins only so we dont have to worry if God will forgive us or not... and what if he doesnt?
Like a wall between us and the sin so that we may be all good.
But since that's not a possibility... we have to live with the way things are...
Wit no pill for anger... and no vent out that takes it out without hurting us or anyone so wat happens is... we get angry and we hurt... ourselves and others... its a never ending chain... cuz when someone is hurt he is bound to be angry too... i used to think i am good... i dont react and say bad things to anyone... they think i have forgiven them forgotten it... let go... Have i.....
Noooooooooooooo!!!!!! :)
I didnt say anything but that doesnt mean i am ok with it...
so what i have to do... sometimes pile it up, sometimes get it out on myself... hating myself or my life... and everyone... taking it out on God... well that was OK... cuz i know he has a big heart and he can deal with it without getting angry or hurt... but sometimes its hard to keep it to God... it comes out o ppl... like ur chums and ur parrents or anyone u can get hands on...who is someone who is there to listen
or
crying terribly alone... and then wat... the dent is made ... and it will move with us... grow with us... cuz its not healed yet... why not... cuz we never tried healing it... all we did was push it down ... down down ... and its out of memory... cuz its pretty deep and lost... almost like those clothes we push into the attic since we cant use them... or do anything abt them... and wat happens... one day we accidently get knocked down by them... and they come tumbling up... creating havoc...making us uneasy and just as angry as we were when it happened...
So whats the solution...
And worse is when u know... the person who its related to... everytime u will see his face those angers will come up...and all u wud wnat is keep avoiding them... but how will u learn to be in relations when so much anger and pain and hurt is part of it...
I know... i understand... but he makes me so angry... and if i dont speak the truth wont it just be a cowardly thing... i need to speak my mind with him/ her she / he must know wat it feels like...
yes... sure... u must let know wat wrong they did to u... so that they never do it again... never even think... yes
and then u say it all out... and there u hear the cracking just after its said ... relationships are cracked hearts are cracked... and that night tears fall from eyes... and i wnat to know are they meaningless tears or they are honest, sincere... helpless tears, that cant change a thing ... and make it beautiful loving and worth living...
why was i to ever be in this situation... to be in love and yet have so much anger in me... and when it comes to chose one and leave the other i cant leave any ... cant stop loiving ... cant stop being angry ... cant forgive cant forget ...
how long can i be in this like this... why cant i just delete it... out of my memory and heart... and breathe normally...
why is it such a hard thing... wats making it such a hard thing... that one promise
and wat i will keep saying will only sound this ... i Hate you and dont want to see ur face again... when all i need u to hear is... i wish u were mine... i wish we were together and i wish there wasnt anything in u that i wud ever hate ... and that i wish u cud know all i mean is for me and u to have the most beautiful life... and i wish that life starts as soon as it can... and i wish i never dount u or take u for granted... nor u do that...
so wat it really is like now is u are not mine, we are not together, theres a lot in u that i cannot stand and i hate, and me and u are not having a beautiful life and its not seeming to start soon either... and u doubt me and take me for granted and so do i....
and yet i am not able to let it go... let you go...i cant let you go... but i must now forget u...must change my focus from you to where?
have u ever considered changing ur qibla from kaaba to somewhere else... wat if u were asked to, and u werent told where the new location is... wud it be easy for u to pray in all direction anticipating may be one of those directions will be the intented one, imagine how difficult that wud be... it seems everyone is asking me to do just that ... even u... and it feels cruel
wudnt u then rather keep praying to the qibla until the location was confirmed...thats wat i am doing... but i am already wavered in my mind...:(
tell me atleast where to and i will and if u cant atleast let me do this for as long as i live.
Allow me... and ensure me i am on the right track!
God i am talking to you!:( i dont think there is anyone else who ever knew the answers anyways!
Dosti Ki hai to nibhani to pereygi:)
Do you believe this!
I am thinking i need to do some action in my life...
i am going to use the resources needed but
All i need is you guys to help me... get it done and until i am not done with the action keep on it with me
are you in?
beech raastey mein saath chor to nahi dogay? (wont leave me in midway?)
soch samajh ker jawab deyna! (be sure abt it and then reply) This is serious but can be fun too...serious that it needs to be done... fun cuz its not something that get anyone in trouble...
those who are in... must know for sure... the only reason why i will tell u further is if u commit... u will not leave midway until the action is complete...
and will not open your mouth or speak abt it to any one... not even ur closest chums... (i need promises on this)
those who are reading and agree to the condition email me and know that the information i am giving u must be never spoken to anyone else...
so if u guys are off low wills, or low memory or lose stomach:P... u can stay out of this...
let me know..
ciao...
P.S. Only those who believe they are trust worthy must come forward!:)
those who dont think they are or might fall back... pls do me and urself justice dont get into this!
ok time duration for this action possible completion must me 27 December 2011)sooner i am hoping...
:D
I am thinking i need to do some action in my life...
i am going to use the resources needed but
All i need is you guys to help me... get it done and until i am not done with the action keep on it with me
are you in?
beech raastey mein saath chor to nahi dogay? (wont leave me in midway?)
soch samajh ker jawab deyna! (be sure abt it and then reply) This is serious but can be fun too...serious that it needs to be done... fun cuz its not something that get anyone in trouble...
those who are in... must know for sure... the only reason why i will tell u further is if u commit... u will not leave midway until the action is complete...
and will not open your mouth or speak abt it to any one... not even ur closest chums... (i need promises on this)
those who are reading and agree to the condition email me and know that the information i am giving u must be never spoken to anyone else...
so if u guys are off low wills, or low memory or lose stomach:P... u can stay out of this...
let me know..
ciao...
P.S. Only those who believe they are trust worthy must come forward!:)
those who dont think they are or might fall back... pls do me and urself justice dont get into this!
ok time duration for this action possible completion must me 27 December 2011)sooner i am hoping...
:D
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Chahat ke do pal bhi mil payen dunya main yeh bhi kam hai kya:D
So i am in love with this song...:D
please take a break and listen to this shake a leg and if u are lucky to have a loved one close by give him a beary hug and kiss and let him sing this song with u... :D
I love u guys...
pls pray i get my love soon!
thank u!
and yessss if you ahvent watch this movie yet! pls DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Wat waiting for are youuuuuuuuuuuuuu
wanted to rhyme it:D
Its called Zindagi na milaygi doo bara
and yes waqai mein nahi milaygi dobara... to pls jeeeeeeee lo achey se ker lo woh sub kuch jo dil chahey!!!!!chahey dandey khaney milay ... yaa daant!
sahi
For my englsih followers
The movie title means
"You wont get this life again
so pls... watch this indian movie if u get a chance and with subtitles ... u wont regret!
i hope this is the last and final post for today and makes up for all the previous not so fun unhappy ones... this song did cheer me up and might be with me for the whole night today...
love and wishes
night!
what if they cant!
I am feeling sad!
so much for the fun walk with mom... laughters, smiles and back to my den feeling lonely... knowing so well this loneliness may be a companion for a life time and its hitime i start making friends with it and not treat it like the devil...
but i havent and nor i have a will to... sorry for those who are ok being on their own and alone... i need ppl and the best i can get... and i will not give up... and that too on my terms...
so when i emailed you speaking my heart and mind... hoping u wud understand but knowing deep down well u wont know how to reply or wat to... i know i have got u thinking, wondering... but i havent given u an easy path back to me...and for all i know... life for u shud be easy or u r better off without it... right...
But i had been understanding of u too remember... even if it tore my heart i tried standing by you...and although u made it all so so hard that i wud stop being there and run away... i am not doing this to make u run away... i am trying to only make u know wat staying for me means... and wat it takes and are u willing cuz if u r not... then may be we are better off...
even though i know i will never be better off... but atleast u can be... and i am ok with that... your happiness is not wat i will ever deny you.
So i anxiously wait to hear back from you... and i know it will be just the same wait i had when i wanted to hear my cell rung and i running to get it hoping it was from you for 6 months... every ring and if it was ten times that ph rang it was ten times i thot it was u...
but u didnt ... and ppl may think i am stupid but i still sometimes think its u calling... and wish its u:) to hear u once again.
or its ur message ...
but i am not sorry... for being this way...
do hell with everyone who think i shud be... you havent been through wat i have and even if u have... you may choose to discard it thinking its peice of cake... for me it wasnt and it never will be...
And i wont ever say it to u... or let you know but the fact that its written all over me... and asking for justice... i cannot ignore it...
i am waiting for justice and i know i wioll get it one day from you...
i want to hear it all i want you to share all the truth every bit of it so that nothing is left in you which is not said out... that ur heart is as open to me as mine has been to you and what only God knows now, i get to know too.
My intensity scares me...it scares me
Its strange how i can laugh sometimes and smile over things... feel so totally healed as there is nothing ever a matter to me and suddenly i am so down and in a pit of anger, pain and hurt that i am blinded suddenly if i ever be alrite...
this up and down of me is so deceiving so unexpected and so shortlived that i cannot even try to solve it... or know wat it is...
does it happen with any one of u... like u are absolutely thrilled rocking fun filled and happy and suddenly u r so down that u cannot deal with it or want anything anymore...
This scares me sometimes when i know i can handle it cuz i have to live with me forever... but wat if you cannot handle it... and i wont be able to handle that u arent able to handle me and i am not able to handle you.
we have to be able to do that... or else wats the point?
They say dont let the pain get to a point where it gets u lose ur senses, instead get help as soon as u see it coming... ad that they is me...
:D
Wish u all love and lots of it!
i am sharing this in words... cuz it will always be in words... and in case u were not listening imagine who was...:)
the lord the creator...he does listen and he answers too! dont forget...but the fact he sometimes want us to share this with ppl rather then only him...makes me wonder can all take this and handle this... wat if they cant?
so much for the fun walk with mom... laughters, smiles and back to my den feeling lonely... knowing so well this loneliness may be a companion for a life time and its hitime i start making friends with it and not treat it like the devil...
but i havent and nor i have a will to... sorry for those who are ok being on their own and alone... i need ppl and the best i can get... and i will not give up... and that too on my terms...
so when i emailed you speaking my heart and mind... hoping u wud understand but knowing deep down well u wont know how to reply or wat to... i know i have got u thinking, wondering... but i havent given u an easy path back to me...and for all i know... life for u shud be easy or u r better off without it... right...
But i had been understanding of u too remember... even if it tore my heart i tried standing by you...and although u made it all so so hard that i wud stop being there and run away... i am not doing this to make u run away... i am trying to only make u know wat staying for me means... and wat it takes and are u willing cuz if u r not... then may be we are better off...
even though i know i will never be better off... but atleast u can be... and i am ok with that... your happiness is not wat i will ever deny you.
So i anxiously wait to hear back from you... and i know it will be just the same wait i had when i wanted to hear my cell rung and i running to get it hoping it was from you for 6 months... every ring and if it was ten times that ph rang it was ten times i thot it was u...
but u didnt ... and ppl may think i am stupid but i still sometimes think its u calling... and wish its u:) to hear u once again.
or its ur message ...
but i am not sorry... for being this way...
do hell with everyone who think i shud be... you havent been through wat i have and even if u have... you may choose to discard it thinking its peice of cake... for me it wasnt and it never will be...
And i wont ever say it to u... or let you know but the fact that its written all over me... and asking for justice... i cannot ignore it...
i am waiting for justice and i know i wioll get it one day from you...
i want to hear it all i want you to share all the truth every bit of it so that nothing is left in you which is not said out... that ur heart is as open to me as mine has been to you and what only God knows now, i get to know too.
My intensity scares me...it scares me
Its strange how i can laugh sometimes and smile over things... feel so totally healed as there is nothing ever a matter to me and suddenly i am so down and in a pit of anger, pain and hurt that i am blinded suddenly if i ever be alrite...
this up and down of me is so deceiving so unexpected and so shortlived that i cannot even try to solve it... or know wat it is...
does it happen with any one of u... like u are absolutely thrilled rocking fun filled and happy and suddenly u r so down that u cannot deal with it or want anything anymore...
This scares me sometimes when i know i can handle it cuz i have to live with me forever... but wat if you cannot handle it... and i wont be able to handle that u arent able to handle me and i am not able to handle you.
we have to be able to do that... or else wats the point?
They say dont let the pain get to a point where it gets u lose ur senses, instead get help as soon as u see it coming... ad that they is me...
:D
Wish u all love and lots of it!
i am sharing this in words... cuz it will always be in words... and in case u were not listening imagine who was...:)
the lord the creator...he does listen and he answers too! dont forget...but the fact he sometimes want us to share this with ppl rather then only him...makes me wonder can all take this and handle this... wat if they cant?
Want to head for the beach and have some fun!
OK! so i know i am being silly but all i need is a bus... or mini van, some food some cool ppl...
so bloggers from Karachi... if u think u r in for it... we can head for hawksbay in this lovely weather till it lasts... but ofcourse i dont know how bad it can get and the floodings... especially i am in no mood to be strnagled in the middle of nowhere with water up to our head...
and whether my beloved parrents wud even agree to this idea of me going out all by myself with none of my bodyguards with me... i do feel its not such a viable idea... its ok to imagine it and take a deep sigh... and let me be where i am...
but let me share with u some of the fun i have had when i was a teens...and had this awesome pack of 13 absolutely carefree fearless creatures as friends
Names
Shireem Raddo, Sam, Munni, Dawood, Ali, Mammu, Masnorr, Tauqeer and sarwat, choti arwa beri arwa (cousin sisters) and me... ok (i think i was the shiest most worrisome of the group and cud be the most fun killer if u can think... reason... i was always sick... or having my own problems to deal with... i am sorry u guys i was just born in the wrong time and all i can say is thanx for bearing me for all thsoe yrs and inculding me on the never ending fun sprees...
so here we are... the most hillarious fun bunch...
Ali - the most cretaive of us all... from making delicious dips to acting like a girl for a play or for dancing those absolutely brillinat song or making stipud songs when we have weddings... he is the man, who can be serious angry happy and hillarious...
Mammmu- the joke cracker and the one i was always laughing it even when all had subsided and found it pretty lame and the fact i was the only one laughing and that too head over heels... made me feel embarassed later... and wonder why i find him so funny when all are just poised but i still cudnt care less... u make me laugh and thats it... i will love u always just for that... and the fact one day...
it was dawwods b'day... and i had a crush on him and i thot he had too... so i call him wishing him b;day and he is like "kehan ho tum" oh i still remember those words... i am like i just got in... and dont have a conveyance... he said i am coming to pick u... i not now i am praying he said ill be there at 8: 30 i am like ok... i am super excited wondering wat to wear... and 8: 30 dot he is there... cant beleive it... did he come alone... i hope not yet i wishing... i am glad mammuu is there with him... happy and sad... i wish him and then i am talking to mammuu ignoring dawwod full time... his anger getting higher and higher and higher i simply ignoreing... and then he fumes and get in his house... mahmood behind him and i behind mehmood... and guess wat as soon as mehmood enter the house he closes the door on my face... hey hello i was coming... and hen opens it and gives a good laugh... very funny... u always teasse me ... yes thats who he is...:D and though i was a little late to have fun at such jokes... i still remember these moments... and the fun... the best thing is when at the end of it all... they say... farida u are such a great company... and u guys cant imagine the joy i feel for being liked...
so thats justa glimpse of wat chmistry we had...:D
anyways
so
wat i cant ever forget is those sudden beach plans... out of nowhere...
12 o' clock sunday i am walking around bored... and there is a bell at the door... kon...
mammuuu... chalo we are going on the beach wat wait... time nahi hai forun aao hum needchay kherey hain...
i .... yesssss.... wait coming... change... mom dad i am going to beach with fre3inds... mom and dad (i dont even know ewat they are thinking)
i am down... and we are off...
and wat loads of fun it is... we take some chicken spread and bread... and drinks on the way... and dil chahta hai...kabhi na beetey chamkeelay din... ooooo!:D
lucky na... i know...
next... sat eve,.,, call we are going at dodis place... kyun pictuionary ka plan hai... ke
party... aunty assalmao alaikum... dawood hai... haan room mein hi... ae tum log hum ney socha tum bohat bor horehey hogay to entertain kerdeyin...:D
lol pictionary... he makes coffe and we wash the vessels...
so on new yrs night we have a nights out at his place... it was our second home...
then barb q sitting on the terrace talking laughing playing... that was all we did...
every week and week
then shireen was the first to fly off... her wedding rocked thre fact that if one of our cousins were marrying we all were automatically invited... so we were sometimes presnet in almost any wedding... and we were the jaan of the wedding atleats they all were...
u cant imagine... wat it was like to have them around...
and then once we had a night out on the beach... our moms were invited too... so it was 1 am... beach... moms sleeping inside and we kids telling scary tales... sam literally cried that day...:D she was told there is a ghost living on her terrace...ooohhh god she really cried...hehe
we were its ok sam dont worry hum hai na...lol
and then guess wat we saw in another hut a little away there were two men... and as we saw them... we realised they were drunk and walking to wards us... hum to bhaaago!
sub andar... and then in the morning wat a beauty it was to see the sun rise and i gyess that was the first time we had all been together on the beach seeing sunrise lkike that...
these are but some...
then that hyderabad trip... and not to forget some things they did which i cudnt join... but i did see a lot...
so thats it...
and if they were here now... i am sure we were having fun now too!
but so is life...i am glad they all are having a great life and so am i...
no regrets!
masha Allah!
so bloggers from Karachi... if u think u r in for it... we can head for hawksbay in this lovely weather till it lasts... but ofcourse i dont know how bad it can get and the floodings... especially i am in no mood to be strnagled in the middle of nowhere with water up to our head...
and whether my beloved parrents wud even agree to this idea of me going out all by myself with none of my bodyguards with me... i do feel its not such a viable idea... its ok to imagine it and take a deep sigh... and let me be where i am...
but let me share with u some of the fun i have had when i was a teens...and had this awesome pack of 13 absolutely carefree fearless creatures as friends
Names
Shireem Raddo, Sam, Munni, Dawood, Ali, Mammu, Masnorr, Tauqeer and sarwat, choti arwa beri arwa (cousin sisters) and me... ok (i think i was the shiest most worrisome of the group and cud be the most fun killer if u can think... reason... i was always sick... or having my own problems to deal with... i am sorry u guys i was just born in the wrong time and all i can say is thanx for bearing me for all thsoe yrs and inculding me on the never ending fun sprees...
so here we are... the most hillarious fun bunch...
Ali - the most cretaive of us all... from making delicious dips to acting like a girl for a play or for dancing those absolutely brillinat song or making stipud songs when we have weddings... he is the man, who can be serious angry happy and hillarious...
Mammmu- the joke cracker and the one i was always laughing it even when all had subsided and found it pretty lame and the fact i was the only one laughing and that too head over heels... made me feel embarassed later... and wonder why i find him so funny when all are just poised but i still cudnt care less... u make me laugh and thats it... i will love u always just for that... and the fact one day...
it was dawwods b'day... and i had a crush on him and i thot he had too... so i call him wishing him b;day and he is like "kehan ho tum" oh i still remember those words... i am like i just got in... and dont have a conveyance... he said i am coming to pick u... i not now i am praying he said ill be there at 8: 30 i am like ok... i am super excited wondering wat to wear... and 8: 30 dot he is there... cant beleive it... did he come alone... i hope not yet i wishing... i am glad mammuu is there with him... happy and sad... i wish him and then i am talking to mammuu ignoring dawwod full time... his anger getting higher and higher and higher i simply ignoreing... and then he fumes and get in his house... mahmood behind him and i behind mehmood... and guess wat as soon as mehmood enter the house he closes the door on my face... hey hello i was coming... and hen opens it and gives a good laugh... very funny... u always teasse me ... yes thats who he is...:D and though i was a little late to have fun at such jokes... i still remember these moments... and the fun... the best thing is when at the end of it all... they say... farida u are such a great company... and u guys cant imagine the joy i feel for being liked...
so thats justa glimpse of wat chmistry we had...:D
anyways
so
wat i cant ever forget is those sudden beach plans... out of nowhere...
12 o' clock sunday i am walking around bored... and there is a bell at the door... kon...
mammuuu... chalo we are going on the beach wat wait... time nahi hai forun aao hum needchay kherey hain...
i .... yesssss.... wait coming... change... mom dad i am going to beach with fre3inds... mom and dad (i dont even know ewat they are thinking)
i am down... and we are off...
and wat loads of fun it is... we take some chicken spread and bread... and drinks on the way... and dil chahta hai...kabhi na beetey chamkeelay din... ooooo!:D
lucky na... i know...
next... sat eve,.,, call we are going at dodis place... kyun pictuionary ka plan hai... ke
party... aunty assalmao alaikum... dawood hai... haan room mein hi... ae tum log hum ney socha tum bohat bor horehey hogay to entertain kerdeyin...:D
lol pictionary... he makes coffe and we wash the vessels...
so on new yrs night we have a nights out at his place... it was our second home...
then barb q sitting on the terrace talking laughing playing... that was all we did...
every week and week
then shireen was the first to fly off... her wedding rocked thre fact that if one of our cousins were marrying we all were automatically invited... so we were sometimes presnet in almost any wedding... and we were the jaan of the wedding atleats they all were...
u cant imagine... wat it was like to have them around...
and then once we had a night out on the beach... our moms were invited too... so it was 1 am... beach... moms sleeping inside and we kids telling scary tales... sam literally cried that day...:D she was told there is a ghost living on her terrace...ooohhh god she really cried...hehe
we were its ok sam dont worry hum hai na...lol
and then guess wat we saw in another hut a little away there were two men... and as we saw them... we realised they were drunk and walking to wards us... hum to bhaaago!
sub andar... and then in the morning wat a beauty it was to see the sun rise and i gyess that was the first time we had all been together on the beach seeing sunrise lkike that...
these are but some...
then that hyderabad trip... and not to forget some things they did which i cudnt join... but i did see a lot...
so thats it...
and if they were here now... i am sure we were having fun now too!
but so is life...i am glad they all are having a great life and so am i...
no regrets!
masha Allah!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Answering you Guys!
and akash... i am not against guy and girl relation and never will be... i beleive in it...
travel places, eat tasty, make your parents smile, do a random good thing and forget.. so much fun..
thse i do and they are the reason i am able to survive including helping friends where ever i can sharing a laugh and good time. they make me happy to an extent but they cannot remove the fact that a woman will ultimately need guy in her life. its the delimma i have
and if i undertsand Islam... the reason why man and woman are asked to be in perdah...will make u understand its not cuz islam is anti fun or happiness... its against man and woman getting ideas they arent supposed to entertain...:)
the reason why GF BF cuture is so rampant... and breakups are so easy... moving from one guy to another and one gal to another... and then wondering wat happened to being faithful... wat happened to being in love... what happened to having a bit of decency, knowing wats not urs must not be pursued wats urs must be cared for and looked after...
we are sinful when we enjoy a woman with a wrong eyes and a man too... tell me u dont... i am not talking to u akash... i know u r not a muslim... and u may have other philosophy running for u...but i know this for a mulsim man and woman to be true. unless we simply disregard it cuz its really hard for us to implement and beleive in
so i keep a quiestion in front of u...
you come across a girl who is attractive to u... whats the first thought comes to u?
1-help her respect her protect her
2-wow wat a beauty i shud get to know her better and if i cud date her
3- make her my sis and keep her out of reach of bad boys... and hand her to her husband one fine day
4- use her for the skills she posesses... not girlish, but intellectual and academic... and treat her like a family
5- any other enlighten me please... it may help me clear my mind abt u guys and those who i dont know inside out... which happens to be my family and friends who i treat like my bros...
travel places, eat tasty, make your parents smile, do a random good thing and forget.. so much fun..
thse i do and they are the reason i am able to survive including helping friends where ever i can sharing a laugh and good time. they make me happy to an extent but they cannot remove the fact that a woman will ultimately need guy in her life. its the delimma i have
and if i undertsand Islam... the reason why man and woman are asked to be in perdah...will make u understand its not cuz islam is anti fun or happiness... its against man and woman getting ideas they arent supposed to entertain...:)
the reason why GF BF cuture is so rampant... and breakups are so easy... moving from one guy to another and one gal to another... and then wondering wat happened to being faithful... wat happened to being in love... what happened to having a bit of decency, knowing wats not urs must not be pursued wats urs must be cared for and looked after...
we are sinful when we enjoy a woman with a wrong eyes and a man too... tell me u dont... i am not talking to u akash... i know u r not a muslim... and u may have other philosophy running for u...but i know this for a mulsim man and woman to be true. unless we simply disregard it cuz its really hard for us to implement and beleive in
so i keep a quiestion in front of u...
you come across a girl who is attractive to u... whats the first thought comes to u?
1-help her respect her protect her
2-wow wat a beauty i shud get to know her better and if i cud date her
3- make her my sis and keep her out of reach of bad boys... and hand her to her husband one fine day
4- use her for the skills she posesses... not girlish, but intellectual and academic... and treat her like a family
5- any other enlighten me please... it may help me clear my mind abt u guys and those who i dont know inside out... which happens to be my family and friends who i treat like my bros...
I am not lonely i choose to be this way! i like it my way or no way!
I never intend to be a loner but this is wat makes me back down and shy away from reaching out to men and others for fun and good times!
Guys who may want to date me rather then think of me as a sis...
friend once who now think of me as a p[potential mate making me run miles away and wishing i was a guy
Guys who i meet who i fear will somehow become one of the above... , unless u already have a GF and u love her to death
Guys who are single and looking i become a prey to their undecided minds... and to ensure they dont get ideas i have to keep myself scant..
now those who can really be great, and they might not have an idea for me, or even desire... they flirt and i cannot understand wat they are meaning(my mind and its stupid thinkiing sometimes make up storties when there arent any)... like i know they dont mean anything but then why cant they just act normal or help me act normal like i am a sister and i work and we work and then we log off and incase we have free time... there is this awkward silence and then the conversations go from one topic to another and ultimately one word is uttered which makes me move back... and start thinking like where is he leading wat does he mean by that..
so i cant dress nicely, girly way... cuz i dont want anyone get ideas i am a girl... yes the only person i want to look like a girl is the one i want to marry to everyone else... i am a friend, a colleague, one who pulls ur leg, one who will argue with u... so that u will want to run away... but sorry cant be a girl with u...cuz i sreiously cannot handle men attention... for me its a signal of danger! run for life !!!!!:)
and when i am not being a girl... i am being bad... really bad pathetic...
those who i know have GF and think of me like a sis... and ensure me 120 times that they have no desires wat so ever other then exchange words and gain wisdom from me have some time pass. and get some ideas, work on some projects... help each other
they are going rare...
and the fact that those who are married, sometimes talk with such carelessness makes me nervous too... i wonder why men think any woman who isnt married or is talking to u is soemone u can wipe ur hands on:( i mean surely i can give u a punch but the fact that u were once a great friend and i owe u a lot... i wudnt dare want to do it... and all i can do is be as rare as possible... become extinct... and then if i cannot avoid u... treat u like an elder brother or uncle so ur bad side never get a chance to come out ...
guys my age are either married or needing a mate... hi time ... and i have to avoid them cuz i am not looking...:) i am simply wanting to kill time so i can keep my sanity while u arent there
All i am left with are these trusted men
brothers they are away and have a life of their own...
cousins they are busy have a life and friends crcle of their own
that leaves u ... my potential mate and life time friend... but then u dont want to move on and commit... and i cant deal with so much distance... i want someone who is real who i can touch and grab.... go for a walk with, have a fight with share my fears and concern, play with run with ... wat ever...
now i have nothing against women... except that they bore me...
the reason men always had a major place in every part of my life... i am used to men... their companies, their talks, their topics, i have 3 bros... 12 male cousins who i used to be with and enjoy more then my GFs who sucked... or may be i sucked for them... may be the later... but i wanst to marry them so who cares or cared... but the fact ... no woman other then madhuri gives me a reason to want to have as a comapnion... makes me wonder where do i get myself madhuri... even my sweet friend Hina, who was the only reason i was able to survive the 1.5 yrs of KU, i cant even bear her company for more then a phone call once a week... and the fact that i keep posponing our get togathers for i can precisely know how it will go... she is single too...
we will go somewhere talk something (that will range on the fact we are not married and how sad that is) it is why cuz i want to marry and so does she... imagine u were hingry and food was scarce... wud u be talking abt MJ nahi na... so its natural)... eat some and back home... talk is something we can do on the ph... eating can be done seperately... places we choose are definitely something i can miss all my life and never regret... movies yes can happen , but when i am ready she is not and when she is in mood i am having a heart break...
so i end up blogging in my room, listening to my fav songs, dancing, doing watever comes in my heart and missing u or someone like u... who wud come and save me from ruining my life like this...
why is it so hard for u...or for God?
so sometimes i get this urge to to runaway to far off places like naran, living in a valley in a small house raising chickesn:P or living on mount everest, and luckily find a passer by marry him and live there happily ever after, or take a flight come to ur place and ask u to let me live with u...:) as a paying guest... how fascinating that wud be:P or live in islamabad , but that kind of feels depressing working and coming to an empty home... wats bad in my home here... atleast i have my family but i want to be around cool ppl who are not in mood to marry even if they are my age and guys... may be i shud find some gays... they will surely make my life less complicated... and i can wait for u while having a great time with those men... who wont make me feel insecure and unsafe with them... wat say:D unless they have another kind of a trait that i cannot live with!
I owe this to you... please before i go insane... please ill do anything u will say just save me from this part of my life...
Its me and only i am to be blamed!
Guys who may want to date me rather then think of me as a sis...
friend once who now think of me as a p[potential mate making me run miles away and wishing i was a guy
Guys who i meet who i fear will somehow become one of the above... , unless u already have a GF and u love her to death
Guys who are single and looking i become a prey to their undecided minds... and to ensure they dont get ideas i have to keep myself scant..
now those who can really be great, and they might not have an idea for me, or even desire... they flirt and i cannot understand wat they are meaning(my mind and its stupid thinkiing sometimes make up storties when there arent any)... like i know they dont mean anything but then why cant they just act normal or help me act normal like i am a sister and i work and we work and then we log off and incase we have free time... there is this awkward silence and then the conversations go from one topic to another and ultimately one word is uttered which makes me move back... and start thinking like where is he leading wat does he mean by that..
so i cant dress nicely, girly way... cuz i dont want anyone get ideas i am a girl... yes the only person i want to look like a girl is the one i want to marry to everyone else... i am a friend, a colleague, one who pulls ur leg, one who will argue with u... so that u will want to run away... but sorry cant be a girl with u...cuz i sreiously cannot handle men attention... for me its a signal of danger! run for life !!!!!:)
and when i am not being a girl... i am being bad... really bad pathetic...
those who i know have GF and think of me like a sis... and ensure me 120 times that they have no desires wat so ever other then exchange words and gain wisdom from me have some time pass. and get some ideas, work on some projects... help each other
they are going rare...
and the fact that those who are married, sometimes talk with such carelessness makes me nervous too... i wonder why men think any woman who isnt married or is talking to u is soemone u can wipe ur hands on:( i mean surely i can give u a punch but the fact that u were once a great friend and i owe u a lot... i wudnt dare want to do it... and all i can do is be as rare as possible... become extinct... and then if i cannot avoid u... treat u like an elder brother or uncle so ur bad side never get a chance to come out ...
guys my age are either married or needing a mate... hi time ... and i have to avoid them cuz i am not looking...:) i am simply wanting to kill time so i can keep my sanity while u arent there
All i am left with are these trusted men
brothers they are away and have a life of their own...
cousins they are busy have a life and friends crcle of their own
that leaves u ... my potential mate and life time friend... but then u dont want to move on and commit... and i cant deal with so much distance... i want someone who is real who i can touch and grab.... go for a walk with, have a fight with share my fears and concern, play with run with ... wat ever...
now i have nothing against women... except that they bore me...
the reason men always had a major place in every part of my life... i am used to men... their companies, their talks, their topics, i have 3 bros... 12 male cousins who i used to be with and enjoy more then my GFs who sucked... or may be i sucked for them... may be the later... but i wanst to marry them so who cares or cared... but the fact ... no woman other then madhuri gives me a reason to want to have as a comapnion... makes me wonder where do i get myself madhuri... even my sweet friend Hina, who was the only reason i was able to survive the 1.5 yrs of KU, i cant even bear her company for more then a phone call once a week... and the fact that i keep posponing our get togathers for i can precisely know how it will go... she is single too...
we will go somewhere talk something (that will range on the fact we are not married and how sad that is) it is why cuz i want to marry and so does she... imagine u were hingry and food was scarce... wud u be talking abt MJ nahi na... so its natural)... eat some and back home... talk is something we can do on the ph... eating can be done seperately... places we choose are definitely something i can miss all my life and never regret... movies yes can happen , but when i am ready she is not and when she is in mood i am having a heart break...
so i end up blogging in my room, listening to my fav songs, dancing, doing watever comes in my heart and missing u or someone like u... who wud come and save me from ruining my life like this...
why is it so hard for u...or for God?
so sometimes i get this urge to to runaway to far off places like naran, living in a valley in a small house raising chickesn:P or living on mount everest, and luckily find a passer by marry him and live there happily ever after, or take a flight come to ur place and ask u to let me live with u...:) as a paying guest... how fascinating that wud be:P or live in islamabad , but that kind of feels depressing working and coming to an empty home... wats bad in my home here... atleast i have my family but i want to be around cool ppl who are not in mood to marry even if they are my age and guys... may be i shud find some gays... they will surely make my life less complicated... and i can wait for u while having a great time with those men... who wont make me feel insecure and unsafe with them... wat say:D unless they have another kind of a trait that i cannot live with!
I owe this to you... please before i go insane... please ill do anything u will say just save me from this part of my life...
Its me and only i am to be blamed!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Teri Meri Meri Teri Prem Kehani hai Mushkil
One day i got a call and my life changed forever.
One day i hugged u and my life changed for ever
One day i said my first i love u with silent tears falling from my eyes and my life changed for ever
One day i heard your heart thumping as you walked and my life changed forever
One day i heard from her and my life changed forever
One day you left me and my life changed forever
One day you sang that song and my life changed forever
And today as i write one email after another to you my life keeps changing.
Every word that comes out of my mouth, makes a hell of a difference in my and your life.
Life is changing and so are we every moment and second... i am not wat i was 15 yrs back... i am not wat i was 3 yrs back, when u were a nobody. today you have a name an identity, a presence that plays havoc with my life.
The fact that i hear from you and i cannot concentrate on anything makes me wonder wats this all about. the fact that u matter even if u live miles away, we never talk, we never see each other or hear each other...the fact that i reach out to you every now and then and u never stop me or put a ban on me... makes me take all the liberty in the world, sometimes makes me wonder wat this is about.
I still dont understand why that phone call happened... and though i hate how things progressed between us... i still dont regret a single sec of my life that had u in in it...cuz I remember that day when i heard u i felt my dreams have been answered, that u were created from all those ideas and fantasies i had carefully collaged over the over the canvas of my life for years, and as if God was keeping a count of every one of them and finally offered me you at the end of a long tedious, life claiming wait.
As if you were the gift of all those toils, and pains i had went through, those tears i had cried on my terrace asking God why, Why u cant give me that... as if he was listening intently only waiting for the right time to answer my every why?
You happened and i went down on my knees telling God, i beleive you, i love you, i am so very grateful to you.
But the whys keep coming up... all i know is once again Gods waiting for that right ttime to send me a sign... that will answer them... and God shall keep answering until i dont stop asking why?
and will only say... I accept! I beleive you! No more questions, no more desires, no more wants, no more!
One day i hugged u and my life changed for ever
One day i said my first i love u with silent tears falling from my eyes and my life changed for ever
One day i heard your heart thumping as you walked and my life changed forever
One day i heard from her and my life changed forever
One day you left me and my life changed forever
One day you sang that song and my life changed forever
And today as i write one email after another to you my life keeps changing.
Every word that comes out of my mouth, makes a hell of a difference in my and your life.
Life is changing and so are we every moment and second... i am not wat i was 15 yrs back... i am not wat i was 3 yrs back, when u were a nobody. today you have a name an identity, a presence that plays havoc with my life.
The fact that i hear from you and i cannot concentrate on anything makes me wonder wats this all about. the fact that u matter even if u live miles away, we never talk, we never see each other or hear each other...the fact that i reach out to you every now and then and u never stop me or put a ban on me... makes me take all the liberty in the world, sometimes makes me wonder wat this is about.
I still dont understand why that phone call happened... and though i hate how things progressed between us... i still dont regret a single sec of my life that had u in in it...cuz I remember that day when i heard u i felt my dreams have been answered, that u were created from all those ideas and fantasies i had carefully collaged over the over the canvas of my life for years, and as if God was keeping a count of every one of them and finally offered me you at the end of a long tedious, life claiming wait.
As if you were the gift of all those toils, and pains i had went through, those tears i had cried on my terrace asking God why, Why u cant give me that... as if he was listening intently only waiting for the right time to answer my every why?
You happened and i went down on my knees telling God, i beleive you, i love you, i am so very grateful to you.
But the whys keep coming up... all i know is once again Gods waiting for that right ttime to send me a sign... that will answer them... and God shall keep answering until i dont stop asking why?
and will only say... I accept! I beleive you! No more questions, no more desires, no more wants, no more!
In case i ever want to watch them again
My fav Movies that left an impact on my soft and tender heart when i was just a kid, leaving a mark, that hasnt stopped working its majic in my life even now...
So the fact that when i love something i love it forever and never ever stop holds true...
Films that i fell in love heads over heal...
Salman Khan's
Meney Pyar Kiya (
Baaghi
Amir and Madhuris
Sajan
Tezab
Dil
Dil hai ke manta nahi (off the records, i blackmailed mom once and went on hunger strike... reason she wanted me to see someone and i wanted to marry no one but you) i can smile now on that but they were some really tough times for her:P
Raam Lakhan
Khalnayak
Other stars
Prem Rog
Hina
So the fact that when i love something i love it forever and never ever stop holds true...
Films that i fell in love heads over heal...
Salman Khan's
Meney Pyar Kiya (
Baaghi
Amir and Madhuris
Sajan
Tezab
Dil
Dil hai ke manta nahi (off the records, i blackmailed mom once and went on hunger strike... reason she wanted me to see someone and i wanted to marry no one but you) i can smile now on that but they were some really tough times for her:P
Raam Lakhan
Khalnayak
Other stars
Prem Rog
Hina
So i have this cousin of mine:D
His name is moiz and he is one of those absolutely hilarious, funny, beautiful a little confused, :) but awesomest ppl i know...
But there is this one trademark quality abt him... he is anti India to a level where its funny...:D (i dont know why) i think its something that happened when he was a kid... well he still is a kid :) and it hink will remain so for me ...
no just kidding if u will see him u will know he is harmless and just kidding ... he is just angry for they being anti pakistan... cuz he adores PAkistan u see..
i never cud understand his alergy to india... but some of the proofs are
he cannot hear a term india in his home or anyone loving anything indian.. so when this aunt came over to their home in toronto once not knowing he was home... talking to his mom abt his elder son marriage... showing them an indian girl...
he was probably studfying in his room when those words hit his eardrums...
as soon as aunt was out he came out glaring looking to his mom...
his mom ignored his stupid look but he contiunued... did i hear the word indian... are u thinking of bringing an indian to our family...
his mom was its not for u... its for mufazzal... he was no india comes to our home...:P
his mom was laughing by now... what do u have so against Indians:)
but this is how bad it is for him... poor guy he might be shocked if i tell him i am thinking of bringing Salman Khan to ourt family:) or adopt him or something...
peta nahi woh mera kya hashr kereyga... magar salman ke liyey i will fight every one... To moiz u be ready for some good fight when u come here next... which i am hoping is next month...
yeyy i am so happy to have u back!
this time though u will act maturer since u have got engaged and u need to put some impression on ur lady...:)
Me i know u when u were born... and u were such a cutie pie... u still are one of the best looking guys in our family... except for the bragging part... the rest is totally cool...
i love u cousin!
But there is this one trademark quality abt him... he is anti India to a level where its funny...:D (i dont know why) i think its something that happened when he was a kid... well he still is a kid :) and it hink will remain so for me ...
no just kidding if u will see him u will know he is harmless and just kidding ... he is just angry for they being anti pakistan... cuz he adores PAkistan u see..
i never cud understand his alergy to india... but some of the proofs are
he cannot hear a term india in his home or anyone loving anything indian.. so when this aunt came over to their home in toronto once not knowing he was home... talking to his mom abt his elder son marriage... showing them an indian girl...
he was probably studfying in his room when those words hit his eardrums...
as soon as aunt was out he came out glaring looking to his mom...
his mom ignored his stupid look but he contiunued... did i hear the word indian... are u thinking of bringing an indian to our family...
his mom was its not for u... its for mufazzal... he was no india comes to our home...:P
his mom was laughing by now... what do u have so against Indians:)
but this is how bad it is for him... poor guy he might be shocked if i tell him i am thinking of bringing Salman Khan to ourt family:) or adopt him or something...
peta nahi woh mera kya hashr kereyga... magar salman ke liyey i will fight every one... To moiz u be ready for some good fight when u come here next... which i am hoping is next month...
yeyy i am so happy to have u back!
this time though u will act maturer since u have got engaged and u need to put some impression on ur lady...:)
Me i know u when u were born... and u were such a cutie pie... u still are one of the best looking guys in our family... except for the bragging part... the rest is totally cool...
i love u cousin!
Rain makes me
dance, sing, fly, jump, live, wonder, drench myself in it and when i hear song like these in the back ground... its the kind of sommersault my heart goes through!!unexplainable!
Dil Sanbhal ja zara phir muhabbat kerney chala hai tu
dil hai, maan hi na jayyeee!:D
aur woh bhi mera dil:) <3
:)
Dil Sanbhal ja zara phir muhabbat kerney chala hai tu
dil hai, maan hi na jayyeee!:D
aur woh bhi mera dil:) <3
:)
Thursday, September 8, 2011
To my Bros! Muhammad Ali, Tahir and Husain!
Your brother is your first friend in life. No one will ever understand your crazy family like your brother. Even if you don't get together or talk as much as you could, or you're always fighting, he'll always remain your friend. Your brother will hold your hand for a little while, but will hold your heart for a lifetime. It's "National Sister Week", repost if you have a sister that you love with all your heart...i can say the same abt my bros... never missed having a sis...:D
and to wat i remember we never really fight... cuz somehow i got all i asked... sometimes early soemtimes late...:D hehe! Love u guys, u bring life to my otherwise lifeless existence.
and i cannot agree with the holding ahdn part... brothers never leave u hand... even after u r married...:D they hold both the hand and the heart...
So if u are my husband and you will give me trouble...:D which i know u will never do, u can be assured i have three big brothers who will make ur life hell:P
if i ever tell them abt u...
just kidding....
I remember the thappars we have exchanged rarely but they were the best thappars anyone cud have...
Me age 11 my elder bro age 15
On The TV Program
He slapped me cuz i changed the channel, and didnt give him the remote... or something like that... Dhuzzzz
I was off my balance... it was that bad...cried.... and then next day all forgotten...
Me: my little bro... who adored me... said something wrong or irriateted me... every oen was present... i dhuss... straight on the face...
He Quiet, sad left and went into his room... i totally guilty , sorry i dont know wat... wishing he wud come back and we will be back the same we have been...
didnt come out... me getting on the verge to cry... wat did i do... he loves me so much and this is i do to him... u r a bad sister... bad bad sis...
I utter a sorry...
we are back
Last year on vacations... in the jeep...
I had the cam, didnt wanted to give him... i resisted he slapped... staright on face... wat the hell... i am older then u. even if i am being wrong u cannot slap me...bad face... totally angry... wont ever talk again... no sorrys... pain... and mom and dad totally lost... (yeh kya hua)
mood kheraab... indefinite silence... tears comeing in my ears... as i sat turned from everyone...
2 hours i getting back on terms...
next day all is well
but wat i know is... when i was down... my bro kept calling the whole night asking my mom how is she...
when i lost his priced watch and came hoping to hear some bad things... all he said it was just a watch its ok... and i was thrilled... to see wat a real man my bro is...
when i tell him wud u mind if i dont attend ur wedding and he said... all i want is for u to be happy... everything else dont even bother...
when i am sad they are sad, when i am happy they are happy... i ask wat i need they offer me... i try never to tell them... i am not into material things... just some fun...
but wat they wont do is... if i ask them in the middle fo the night to take me beach...
dimagh kheraab hai...
:D
i know there is a limit... and when i cross i get munh ki... hehe
but the best part is when sometimes they stay for me to get ready and walk along with me to the mosque... i have this strange pride... around me... to know these wonderful men are my bros... who are there for me every sec i need them is... like i am a billion dollar girl for i have bros like you three...
So whether it is those laughters during meals, or fighting for the laptop, teasing for no reason, getting worried when they have an accident or running to docs when they are in pain or i am in pain...or those endless moments that i hardly even remember since they are so many... and the fact there is not end to it, makes me forget count...
I love u ppl... for all that u did or tried doing... i wish you all the suuccess and love and happiness and blessings there are in the world...
Take care
May God be with you watching over you for you keep erect the world ur sis lives in...
and to wat i remember we never really fight... cuz somehow i got all i asked... sometimes early soemtimes late...:D hehe! Love u guys, u bring life to my otherwise lifeless existence.
and i cannot agree with the holding ahdn part... brothers never leave u hand... even after u r married...:D they hold both the hand and the heart...
So if u are my husband and you will give me trouble...:D which i know u will never do, u can be assured i have three big brothers who will make ur life hell:P
if i ever tell them abt u...
just kidding....
I remember the thappars we have exchanged rarely but they were the best thappars anyone cud have...
Me age 11 my elder bro age 15
On The TV Program
He slapped me cuz i changed the channel, and didnt give him the remote... or something like that... Dhuzzzz
I was off my balance... it was that bad...cried.... and then next day all forgotten...
Me: my little bro... who adored me... said something wrong or irriateted me... every oen was present... i dhuss... straight on the face...
He Quiet, sad left and went into his room... i totally guilty , sorry i dont know wat... wishing he wud come back and we will be back the same we have been...
didnt come out... me getting on the verge to cry... wat did i do... he loves me so much and this is i do to him... u r a bad sister... bad bad sis...
I utter a sorry...
we are back
Last year on vacations... in the jeep...
I had the cam, didnt wanted to give him... i resisted he slapped... staright on face... wat the hell... i am older then u. even if i am being wrong u cannot slap me...bad face... totally angry... wont ever talk again... no sorrys... pain... and mom and dad totally lost... (yeh kya hua)
mood kheraab... indefinite silence... tears comeing in my ears... as i sat turned from everyone...
2 hours i getting back on terms...
next day all is well
but wat i know is... when i was down... my bro kept calling the whole night asking my mom how is she...
when i lost his priced watch and came hoping to hear some bad things... all he said it was just a watch its ok... and i was thrilled... to see wat a real man my bro is...
when i tell him wud u mind if i dont attend ur wedding and he said... all i want is for u to be happy... everything else dont even bother...
when i am sad they are sad, when i am happy they are happy... i ask wat i need they offer me... i try never to tell them... i am not into material things... just some fun...
but wat they wont do is... if i ask them in the middle fo the night to take me beach...
dimagh kheraab hai...
:D
i know there is a limit... and when i cross i get munh ki... hehe
but the best part is when sometimes they stay for me to get ready and walk along with me to the mosque... i have this strange pride... around me... to know these wonderful men are my bros... who are there for me every sec i need them is... like i am a billion dollar girl for i have bros like you three...
So whether it is those laughters during meals, or fighting for the laptop, teasing for no reason, getting worried when they have an accident or running to docs when they are in pain or i am in pain...or those endless moments that i hardly even remember since they are so many... and the fact there is not end to it, makes me forget count...
I love u ppl... for all that u did or tried doing... i wish you all the suuccess and love and happiness and blessings there are in the world...
Take care
May God be with you watching over you for you keep erect the world ur sis lives in...
Desires, wishes, or God knows what!
I was born normal, shy simple, happy, cheerful, thoughtful, and sensitive but happy
i ended up being wat i am now of 32 yrs
i am having ready for doing things which were not even allowed to be considered or even thought abt suddenly, that were a total no no...
And the worst part is... people i rely on helping me not indulge in things which may get me in trouble are ok and totally backed off on making me listen to their logics...(basically there isnt a logic u see which they can convince themself or me...) but they cant even think of one to make me stop in my track... and i am so worried how far will i do in this...and where will it lead me... yes my heart which i was so proud of .
1- Dying to meet Salman and not letting him die or me die without doing this...
2- Wanted to do a concert with micheal jackson,(May his soul rest in peace) that didnt happen, its ok...
3- Watch Celine Live
4- Madhuri (Never mind) i can drop it... the urge has left me... it was an impulse(see how i take things and drop them)
5- Get Married to him, (and bringing him to Maula) yet knowing something is not completely roght abt it or is just not that possible... still not letting go.. fearing him and needing him, pushing him away and then waiting patiently for him...
6- RJ (dropped the idea) i simply cant be a positive lively RJ..so no(the fact that i am not using one asset to make a dfference do give me chills sometimes:( but its ok
7- Act in a movie (Amir or Salman's production) do a small powerful part, that is graceful and cheerful
8- Die for Imam Husain, and Maula (I owe my life to them and God ofcourse)
9- Wear all the dresses that i havent been able to as of now... (I was hoping i will marry some chill guy who will not have a prob and i cud just be my real self with him) and get away sinless:D
10-Find true love, one i dreamed and wished for
11- Have two sons definitely and make them heroes(not movie ones but the real dudes...:) Insha Allah
12- Watch everything breath taking that God made and Experience heaven, below the real one...in this world (How totally vague this is for God to ever make it happen)Its just that i dont want to miss out on anything... anything that i will regret i didnt do while i was here...
13- Have a Caravan and live life with no direction or regulations...move aorund travel and explore
14- Live in USA/ Canada/ on an island, somewhere in a small wooden hut with my man, who is a strong man...and worship him:D
15- Visit Switzerland for sure before Husain Comes back from Germany... else it will be more costlier and less fun
16- Go to fairy meadows and Nanga parbata and skurdu for treking with Ali Khamoosi and get my photo shoot there...:D
17- Go to UAE and spend time with Tahir, seeing him like a grownup, man he has become and yes go skiing, go to burjalarab, watch all the best Dubai has to offer...
18- Try being elegant and less messy, without losing the focus on why i am down here...
19- Die Young or Be young even in my 100s, somehow i feel i am going to have a long life, one i dont wish for, but one God intends for me... so i need to make sure i dont end up being a grumpy old woman who hates her life or who makes everyone want to stay out of her but that who has goals and real stuff lined up to be done till her last breath...
20- Write a book that doesnt misguide but only make ppl beleive in Love, Miracles, god, Faith, Following ur heart, being human, being genuine, living a life full of fun... while outlining my life story for giving it a more realistic then fictious view. Reality makes u believe, fiction only makes u wish...
Go up to heaven with a smile, and know that i am forgiven for all the wrongs i cudnt help doing or was to weak to avoid or not doing as much good as i possibly cud have, had not been i so pleasure oriented... and am loved for trying to make my life best for me and those around me... even if i did fail terribly.
i ended up being wat i am now of 32 yrs
i am having ready for doing things which were not even allowed to be considered or even thought abt suddenly, that were a total no no...
And the worst part is... people i rely on helping me not indulge in things which may get me in trouble are ok and totally backed off on making me listen to their logics...(basically there isnt a logic u see which they can convince themself or me...) but they cant even think of one to make me stop in my track... and i am so worried how far will i do in this...and where will it lead me... yes my heart which i was so proud of .
1- Dying to meet Salman and not letting him die or me die without doing this...
2- Wanted to do a concert with micheal jackson,(May his soul rest in peace) that didnt happen, its ok...
3- Watch Celine Live
4- Madhuri (Never mind) i can drop it... the urge has left me... it was an impulse(see how i take things and drop them)
5- Get Married to him, (and bringing him to Maula) yet knowing something is not completely roght abt it or is just not that possible... still not letting go.. fearing him and needing him, pushing him away and then waiting patiently for him...
6- RJ (dropped the idea) i simply cant be a positive lively RJ..so no(the fact that i am not using one asset to make a dfference do give me chills sometimes:( but its ok
7- Act in a movie (Amir or Salman's production) do a small powerful part, that is graceful and cheerful
8- Die for Imam Husain, and Maula (I owe my life to them and God ofcourse)
9- Wear all the dresses that i havent been able to as of now... (I was hoping i will marry some chill guy who will not have a prob and i cud just be my real self with him) and get away sinless:D
10-Find true love, one i dreamed and wished for
11- Have two sons definitely and make them heroes(not movie ones but the real dudes...:) Insha Allah
12- Watch everything breath taking that God made and Experience heaven, below the real one...in this world (How totally vague this is for God to ever make it happen)Its just that i dont want to miss out on anything... anything that i will regret i didnt do while i was here...
13- Have a Caravan and live life with no direction or regulations...move aorund travel and explore
14- Live in USA/ Canada/ on an island, somewhere in a small wooden hut with my man, who is a strong man...and worship him:D
15- Visit Switzerland for sure before Husain Comes back from Germany... else it will be more costlier and less fun
16- Go to fairy meadows and Nanga parbata and skurdu for treking with Ali Khamoosi and get my photo shoot there...:D
17- Go to UAE and spend time with Tahir, seeing him like a grownup, man he has become and yes go skiing, go to burjalarab, watch all the best Dubai has to offer...
18- Try being elegant and less messy, without losing the focus on why i am down here...
19- Die Young or Be young even in my 100s, somehow i feel i am going to have a long life, one i dont wish for, but one God intends for me... so i need to make sure i dont end up being a grumpy old woman who hates her life or who makes everyone want to stay out of her but that who has goals and real stuff lined up to be done till her last breath...
20- Write a book that doesnt misguide but only make ppl beleive in Love, Miracles, god, Faith, Following ur heart, being human, being genuine, living a life full of fun... while outlining my life story for giving it a more realistic then fictious view. Reality makes u believe, fiction only makes u wish...
Go up to heaven with a smile, and know that i am forgiven for all the wrongs i cudnt help doing or was to weak to avoid or not doing as much good as i possibly cud have, had not been i so pleasure oriented... and am loved for trying to make my life best for me and those around me... even if i did fail terribly.
my deep down fear about being married?:(
They are enuf to let marriage stay a far thing... yet as if my heart sinks as i think me in my 40s single and alone... wasted!
So ill try to honestly write down my fears and pls dont tell me i am stupid to think like this... i know i am may be... but i wud rather have someone help me get over them then reiterate wat i already know...
1- I fear marriage with the wrong person, and then unable to get out of it, cuz theres a lot of emotional and personal responsibility attached in marriage... Its an unbreakable commitment... once made must be lived with all it offers.
2- I fear marriage with the person i love who cannot love me back and its obvious... he will then either cheat on me, or may be treat me with harshness my little heart cannot handle
3- I fear being inadequate and too tired and unhappy delivering to needs of my family who may have a lot of expectations from me, and in order to keep them happy with me, i might be asked to do things i hardly ever do or did...what if i dont do a good job and they are not pleased... wud it mean i will be asked to leave and i cant bear it
4- I fear i will be a bad mother, careless, who will be worried more and who might not have enuf money to give them a beautiful childhood and wat if they end up coming out unhappy and dissatisfied... like i get sometimes... to see my klids not doing better then me, will make me the most unhappy i can get
5- i seriously have no clue how and what will i do with my kids, will i make the right decisions, will i be able to give them good values, and if they will end up being rebels like me will i have patience and love to get them back on track or will i lose my mind...
6- That the spark that i have with my husband will go away as soon as kids come and life will be monotony which ii always have a hard time dealing with...
7- Would we be in love totally madly deeply or will it be a compromise one of us wud have done... which we will always keep bringing up every day of our life
8- will he enjoy my company or wud avoid being around like some men do
9- would he be able to help me in my worst times and get me out, or will he get scared and wud think wat a horrible mistake he made marrying me
10- Will i after being married be able to be on his side, more then anywhere else... and will we never part again
11- that if i speak my heart out to him , share my fears, my desires, he will be patient with me, and undertsanding and loving and caring... and so wud i be to him or we will neglect each other.
12- wud he think he is lucky to be married to me or it was a bad luck?
13- What if he is not happy with me for one or more reasons?
14- what if i find faults and cannot respect him?
15- What if i cannot listen to him, nor do as he pleases, and i dont want to get a divorce
16- i cannot think of a divorce... i cannot deal with it.
17- but i cant deal with being single all my life either... they are both similar torture for me...
18- Is God really unhappy with me, cuz i said no to so many man before am i being punished
19- Am i really not a marriagable material?
20- All i need is love, being happy, have a serene beautiful, worth having life... with someone who i can share myself with in the most friendly genuine open and passionate way... and to love him and be loved by him till our last breaths...am i asking too much!
These are fears, but they run me... they do...but i wish if they are not real fears, they leave me alone... or you somehow let me get over them...
So ill try to honestly write down my fears and pls dont tell me i am stupid to think like this... i know i am may be... but i wud rather have someone help me get over them then reiterate wat i already know...
1- I fear marriage with the wrong person, and then unable to get out of it, cuz theres a lot of emotional and personal responsibility attached in marriage... Its an unbreakable commitment... once made must be lived with all it offers.
2- I fear marriage with the person i love who cannot love me back and its obvious... he will then either cheat on me, or may be treat me with harshness my little heart cannot handle
3- I fear being inadequate and too tired and unhappy delivering to needs of my family who may have a lot of expectations from me, and in order to keep them happy with me, i might be asked to do things i hardly ever do or did...what if i dont do a good job and they are not pleased... wud it mean i will be asked to leave and i cant bear it
4- I fear i will be a bad mother, careless, who will be worried more and who might not have enuf money to give them a beautiful childhood and wat if they end up coming out unhappy and dissatisfied... like i get sometimes... to see my klids not doing better then me, will make me the most unhappy i can get
5- i seriously have no clue how and what will i do with my kids, will i make the right decisions, will i be able to give them good values, and if they will end up being rebels like me will i have patience and love to get them back on track or will i lose my mind...
6- That the spark that i have with my husband will go away as soon as kids come and life will be monotony which ii always have a hard time dealing with...
7- Would we be in love totally madly deeply or will it be a compromise one of us wud have done... which we will always keep bringing up every day of our life
8- will he enjoy my company or wud avoid being around like some men do
9- would he be able to help me in my worst times and get me out, or will he get scared and wud think wat a horrible mistake he made marrying me
10- Will i after being married be able to be on his side, more then anywhere else... and will we never part again
11- that if i speak my heart out to him , share my fears, my desires, he will be patient with me, and undertsanding and loving and caring... and so wud i be to him or we will neglect each other.
12- wud he think he is lucky to be married to me or it was a bad luck?
13- What if he is not happy with me for one or more reasons?
14- what if i find faults and cannot respect him?
15- What if i cannot listen to him, nor do as he pleases, and i dont want to get a divorce
16- i cannot think of a divorce... i cannot deal with it.
17- but i cant deal with being single all my life either... they are both similar torture for me...
18- Is God really unhappy with me, cuz i said no to so many man before am i being punished
19- Am i really not a marriagable material?
20- All i need is love, being happy, have a serene beautiful, worth having life... with someone who i can share myself with in the most friendly genuine open and passionate way... and to love him and be loved by him till our last breaths...am i asking too much!
These are fears, but they run me... they do...but i wish if they are not real fears, they leave me alone... or you somehow let me get over them...
this is going on for sometime... i am simply delaying it cuz i dont like failures!
Salman
ill tell you something or may be i will share these letters which i wrote to you hoping one day i will post them...
do you think this is time...
but before you get hands on them... or someone who works as ur PA..seeing everything delivered to u... which i dont want... i will share them here for my blogger friends to comment...on the degree of 1 -10 that he will respond and will not think i am a psycho when he finds them
so are you guys up for rating me...
and please this means a good deal to me...so pls be yopur honest, supportive, generous self.
i know there is a possibility this fails terribly like i dont hear from him ever...
then what will you suggest... like should i wait for his reply... or keep sending them again and again...
also i am very bad with decoration and making it all cheezy... i think i was born the most careless women alive, who doesnt know a thing on how to impress a guy or anyone for that matter... who only was lucky to have some extraordinary ppl by luck to be a part of her life... for which she only can give credit to her extremely awesome luck...and to some extent her wild imagination and beleive that she is someone truly special... and wasnt born for ordinary things...
so yes... i think this faith makes me take a lot for granted and gets me in situations which can get her go down on her knees every now and then, sometimes in pain sometimes in gratitude, sometimes in fear and sometimes in ectasy!
So who is in to read my love letters to Salman...
they are my heart content.
love is not just limited to someone u r to marry. its for anyone who tugs at ur heart and somehow never leaves ...
ill tell you something or may be i will share these letters which i wrote to you hoping one day i will post them...
do you think this is time...
but before you get hands on them... or someone who works as ur PA..seeing everything delivered to u... which i dont want... i will share them here for my blogger friends to comment...on the degree of 1 -10 that he will respond and will not think i am a psycho when he finds them
so are you guys up for rating me...
and please this means a good deal to me...so pls be yopur honest, supportive, generous self.
i know there is a possibility this fails terribly like i dont hear from him ever...
then what will you suggest... like should i wait for his reply... or keep sending them again and again...
also i am very bad with decoration and making it all cheezy... i think i was born the most careless women alive, who doesnt know a thing on how to impress a guy or anyone for that matter... who only was lucky to have some extraordinary ppl by luck to be a part of her life... for which she only can give credit to her extremely awesome luck...and to some extent her wild imagination and beleive that she is someone truly special... and wasnt born for ordinary things...
so yes... i think this faith makes me take a lot for granted and gets me in situations which can get her go down on her knees every now and then, sometimes in pain sometimes in gratitude, sometimes in fear and sometimes in ectasy!
So who is in to read my love letters to Salman...
they are my heart content.
love is not just limited to someone u r to marry. its for anyone who tugs at ur heart and somehow never leaves ...
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Whats ur day going to be like?
This day is dedicated to
water (10 glasses),
songs of salman and madhuri,
the movie tezab,
the rainy weahter,
the pizza the drink,
the memories of u and me
and some beauty tips i learned yesterday...
some sweet messages, from me to them and from them to me
and some fruits
and lots of prayers and wishes
and singing
Some recording
and some dance moves i need to master.
wat else... u think this is productive enuf... i dont want to doubt! just trying to fill days with stuff i wont regret.keeping away the unwanted without hurting a soul! wats ur day going to be like today!
i juts hope this all somehow extends to the whole day length and i am not short of anything to do to have time to feel how incomplete and broken my life is without u!
i love the above activities. all of them. ALL I WISH IS TO BE BUSY ENUF TO NEVER FEEL SORRY, TO NEVER FEEL ANGRY TO NEVER FEEL MAD TO NEVER FEEL DEPRESSED TO NEVER FEEL OUT OF PLACE OR SHAPE AND TO NEVER NEVER HATE MY FOLKS AND YOU AND GOD AND LIFE.
ONLY LOVE LOVE AND LOVE!
water (10 glasses),
songs of salman and madhuri,
the movie tezab,
the rainy weahter,
the pizza the drink,
the memories of u and me
and some beauty tips i learned yesterday...
some sweet messages, from me to them and from them to me
and some fruits
and lots of prayers and wishes
and singing
Some recording
and some dance moves i need to master.
wat else... u think this is productive enuf... i dont want to doubt! just trying to fill days with stuff i wont regret.keeping away the unwanted without hurting a soul! wats ur day going to be like today!
i juts hope this all somehow extends to the whole day length and i am not short of anything to do to have time to feel how incomplete and broken my life is without u!
i love the above activities. all of them. ALL I WISH IS TO BE BUSY ENUF TO NEVER FEEL SORRY, TO NEVER FEEL ANGRY TO NEVER FEEL MAD TO NEVER FEEL DEPRESSED TO NEVER FEEL OUT OF PLACE OR SHAPE AND TO NEVER NEVER HATE MY FOLKS AND YOU AND GOD AND LIFE.
ONLY LOVE LOVE AND LOVE!
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